Fickle movie critic and friend of the obese- Gene Siskel has died of brain cancer at the age of 53. We give his unexpected death- 2 thumbs... 6 feet down! Keep eatin', Ebert! You'll be reviewin' flicks with your buddy in no time!

Baseball great & Mr. Coffee™ Spokesman- Joltin' Joe DiMaggio has died of (big surprise here) lung cancer at the age of 84. We... um... W-we'll see you in hell, joltin' Joe! (Well what the hell can ya say about this guy? Squeeze Marilyn's tit for us? I mean C'mon...)

Throaty cartoon personality- Jean Vander Pyl has croaked at the age of 79 due to yep, you guessed it, Cancer! Among the characters characters she's brought to life: The Flinstones' Wilma, The Jetsons Mrs. Spacely, and Bullwinkle's Natasha. Her next character? Ol' Dusty™, The Rotting Corpse.

Old Blue eyes- Frank Sinatra has passed away due to a heart attack at the age of 82. Please join us in this stirring memorial tribute song:
To the tune of "New York, New York":
"Start diggin' my tomb...
I'm rotting away...
I'm gonna be a part of it...
My wake, My wake...
These catheder tubes...
Are making their way...
Right through my veins and heart- oh shit!
My corpse, Myyyy corpse...
I wanna wake up in a coffin dug six feet deep
And find i'm stiff as a board...
E-ter-nal sleep!"

The Original "Mr. Socko"- Senor Wences has passed on at the age of 103 due to natural causes. He will sorely be missed for his hand puppeteering skills, and zany spanish accent. R.I.P. Senor! "S'okay?" *lifting coffin lid* "S'alright!"

Legendary Baseball announcer- Harry Caray has passed away due to a stroke at the age of 77. The long time voice of the Chicago Cubs will always be remembered for his stirring renditions of the all time classic, "Take Me Out To The Ballgame". So now to honor this man, we here at P.I. are proud to take off our baseball caps, and sing out our own stirring rendition of the tune in hopes that it will reach his ears up in the great ball park in the sky!

Blockbuster Videos' worst nightmare- Dana Plato- has died of an apparent drug overdose at the age of 34. When reached for comment, a distraught Gary Coleman reportedly said "Whatchoo talkin' bout, bloated corpse????"

Airborne grappler- Owen Hart- has plunged to his death on live television at the age of 34. At the time of this tragedy, Owen was wrestling as his alter ego, the perrenial good guy- The Blue Blazer. Congrats Owen, you've finally gotten that big push you were waiting for at Over The Edge, going from Blue Blazer... to Black Suit! So R.I.P. Owen- no matter how good you are, sooner or later, everyone jobs to Gravity!

From "Velvet Fog" to Velvet-lined Casket- Portly musician & Jabba The Hutt's stunt double- Mel Torme- Has passed away at the age of 73 due to complications from a stroke suffered three years ago. Mel will probably be best remembered for co-writing one of the most famous yuletide carols ever- "The Christmas Song". To honor this man who has brought us this timeless classic we shall now don our Santa hats & go "wassling" to the heavens above:

Disheveled space doctor- Deforest Kelly has passed away at the age of 79 due to natural causes. While not trekkies ourselves, we see fit to present the man who will be forever remembered as "Bones" with this loving tribute:

"Dammit Jim, I'm a corpse NOT a doctor!"

Candy maven Forrest Mars, Jr., inventor of world-famous M&M's, has died of natural causes at age 95. His body will melt in the ground, not in your hand. *RiMsHoT*

America's favorite son- John F. Kennedy Jr. has Just F#@kin' Krashed! R.I.P, Aquaman...

William Shatner's wife, Nerine Kidd Shatner, has been found dead in the couple's pool, a victim of an apparent drowning. Beam her up, Jesus!

America's most beloved prankster- Allan Funt has passed away at the age of 81 due to complications he had from an earlier stroke. Frown! You're in Candid Coffin!

Ladies man and Basketball hero Wilt Chamberlain has died of a heart attack at the of age 63. His legendary penis will be buried next to him in a child's coffin, so that the chicks may pay their proper respect.

Golfer Payne Stewart has died in a freak plane crash at age 42. Honor this man today by bashing in some stupid yuppie private jet flying dickhead's skull with a 9 iron. R.I.P, Payne- your body in the ground is God's hole-in-one

Portly sitcom diva, Shirley Hemphill has died of natural causes at age 52, though some forensic experts believe the weight of her afro caused a massive brain hemmorage. As a result, representatives for Angela Davis have been taken in for questioning.

Part-time rapper, part-time glutton, Big Pun, has died at age 28 of an apparent heart attack. As a result of his death and fear that they may be candidates for a similar fate, Chubbrock, Fat Joe, and Heavy D will be appearing in Richard Simmons' next excercise video- Bustin' Caps To The Oldies.

Kansas City Chiefs' star Derrick Williams has died as a result of injuries he suffered when the car he was driving flipped over and ejected him, causing numerous injuries. His seat belt has been taken in for questioning.

Jesus Christ's's evil twin, magician Doug Henning has died at age 51, of liver cancer. For his next amazing feat, ladies and gentlemen- he will make a coffin disappear 6 feet into the ground & pull a worm out of his eyesocket! R.I.P., Doug- with any luck, Copperfield will be keepin' ya company real soon!

America's most beloved product pimp- Jim Varney has finally lost his battle with lung cancer at the age of 50. "Hey Vern! Whatychya doin' with that Formaldehyde?"

Peanuts pusher- Charles Schulz has passed away due to a massive heart attack at the age of 77. Good Grief Grave, Charlie Brown!!

Prudish M*A*S*H* star Larry Linville a.k.a. Major Frank Burns, is the most recent victm to be taken by Good Ole Cancer™ at the age of 60. From holding Hot Lips, to being held by cold casket, he will be sorely missed. R.I.P. Larry... Where the hell was Hawkeye when ya needed him, huh?

The "Sultan Of Salsa", Tito Puente has died during a heart operation at age 77. *festively playing the xylophone on his ribcage with a feverish latin beat* FIESTA!! AIAIAIAIAIAIAIIIIIEEE!!!