"Piss Swiller" asks: Fathead, are you in any way related to a certain Irish chap named McPissy™?
Here, you will find an archive of questions sent in by our humble readers. Remember, the responses herein are the opinions of Fathead, and may or may not be endorsed by the rest of us, but don't tell Fathead that, or he may shoot us in our sleep. Without further ado:
"Richard
Simmons" asks: Dear Fathead,
I have a couple of questions for you.
1. I have fat thighs and upper arms. Since you're in
such great shape, will you be my personal trainer?
2. Are tech stocks generally a good investment?
3. How do you get that garlicky smell out of bed
sheets? Thank you for your time.
Fathead Sez: 1) Hell no, pantywaist. 2) Tech stocks? The only good investment is investin' in a bottle of booze. F#@k wall street. 3) Burn 'em, preferably with you still in 'em!
"p4\1c" asks: Why is Ricki Lake so damned sexy?
Fathead Sez: Because you're drunk and lonely at 4pm. Try watching sober, and the bitch'll give ya the willies!
"Chris" asks: Where do babies come from?
Fathead Sez: The tip of my diseased prick, kid!
"Minty Nads McGee" asks: Dear Fathead, The other day my girlfriend and I were, y'know, doing the horizontal polka when she says,"Hey, honey, would you like me to massage your testicles with toothpaste?" So I said,"Sure, why not?" My gonads burned with intensity as I ran to the bathroom to rinse them off. Left feeling betrayed and minty fresh down there, I stormed into the bedroom and demanded an explanation. When I returned she was gone. Should I call her? Should I pop a cap in her cracker ass? What should I do?
Fathead Sez: "Tell Mom I said come home already!
"Kings Plaza Ho" asks: Dear Fathead, is it wrong for me to blow the ooohhh so sexy security guards at Kings plaza to get out of being arrested when they catch me shoplifting?? or should i be blowin the store managers instead?
Fathead Sez: You oughtta blow 'em all.... away! *12 minutes of maniacal laughter and handgun waving*
"Llamafeeder" asks: Are you really Sheer Terror?
Fathead Sez: God Forbid! Why, that lowlife drunken scumbag thinks he's so high-and-mighty with his Shriner's hat and his pinkie ring.. i'll shank that rotten sunvabitch in his sleep oneadese days, you just friggin' wait and see!
"Turdchomper" asks: Why are your teeth so f#@ked-up looking?
Fathead Sez: The VA cut back on funding, so it was maintenance on the plate in my head, or dental. Since I tend to blackout when the plate shifts, I chose maintenance. The ol' choppers aint as bad as they look though- I bit a c#@ksucker's finger off just a few weeks ago for reaching towards my 40oz- took the bastid clean off, too! *more maniacal laughter*
"Bill" asks: Have you ever had sex with 2 women?
Fathead Sez: You mean at the same time? Yes. Unfortunatley, them 2 women were Bella Abzug and Janet Reno. Whattya expect after a case of Thunderbird? Good judgement?
"D Skin" asks: Is it normal for a female to have erectile dysfunction?
Fathead Sez: The only "erectile dysfunction" a female can have is when the batteries die out in the vibrator.
"Johnny Jump" asks: Are you some kind of Republican, Charlton-Heston-Asskissing gun freak, Fathead?
Fathead Sez: Sorry, I dont have time to answer this one. I'm too busy cleaning my gun in front of my shrine to Charlton Heston. *waving gun while laughing maniacally*
"DIRTY ROTTEN STEVE" asks: I was wondering why it is that every uneducated, violent, angry moron in the world lives and breeds on my block? Was it something I said?
Fathead Sez: You live next door to P.I.? You got any beer? We'll be right over!
"Finster" asks: What can I do to curtail my incessant desire to flash my genitalia lovingly across the internet?
Fathead Sez: Take up whittling (on your prick). That'll learn ya!
"Wolfie" asks: If you shot Ann Landers with a 12 gauge deerslug in the woods, would that fill your tag or could you simply say she was in the way of your round and you meant to get a buck instead?
Fathead Sez: If you (or any of you) happen to shoot Ann Landers in the woods, bring her to P.I. Headquarters. Know-it-all's are quite tasty this time of the year!
"Reverend Kate" asks: Do you prefer regular, extra-spicy, or the oft-ignored honey maple flavor Jimmy Dean sausage?
Fathead Sez: Honey maple. With mustard.
"Commanding Officer" asks: Why is my asshole always irritated? Am I wiping too much? Or too hard?
Fathead Sez: You're wiping with barbed wire. Gradually switch to Brillo™, then a medium-to-fine grit sandpaper, and you'll be alright.
"Anonymous" asks: why is it that guys sometimes act like girls?
Fathead Sez: Because Femminists have been sapping the nation's testosterone at an alarming rate since the mid-60', producing a half-man-half-steinem hybrid who walks the earth unsure of his own manhood, leading to an increase of Michael Bolton record sales and increased production of "Lite" beers. One way to reverse this horrific trend is to read "P.I. Hates You!", preferably while drunk, sitting on a chair made out of raw meat!
"Fruity" asks: What is the answer to the human overpopulation answer on this planet?
Fathead Sez: Nuclear Holocaust. Either that, or take away the world's TV sets and the mass suicides that follow would be sure to trim back a few billion people or so. *more maniacal laughter*
"Steve McQueen" asks: Why are rainbows so many f#@kin' colors?
Fathead Sez: Ask a real question ya friggin' sissyboy! Rainbows!?!? Testicular Cancer on ya first born!
"Joe" asks: How do I get a job in Germany?
Fathead Sez: Try the Himmler employment agency. They got my brother a Job as oven cleaner.
"Irene" asks: Will I have a baby this year?
Fathead Sez: With the way you been puttin' out lately? Most definitely...
"Piss Swiller" asks: Why in the name of F#@k is Guiness so expensive?
Fathead Sez: It ain't when ya steal it! *Wink*
"Billy Bob Bubba" asks: How do you know if you are gay?
Fathead Sez: If you find yourself with a penis in your ass more than 1 Friday night in a row- you're gay.
"Shmuck Boy" asks: What is a "G", really?
Fathead Sez: A thousand bucks, one of the letters of the alphabet, and a lowlife with a minimum of 1 gold tooth in his crack-addicted head!
"Young, clean child of 2 parents" asks: In the P.I. video game for Sega Saturn, how do you get the key to unlock the liquor cabinet? and what's the code to to increase the blood spurts, excessive genitalia, and gang signs?
Fathead Sez: To get the key, you have to defeat the crack dealer that stands in front of Mistress Olga's (the Bowery stage). For the extras menu, enter "Shaft" as your player name, then beat the game on "Pimp" skill level.
"Piss Swiller" asks: Why cant people just admit that life is shitty, for christ's sakes?
Fathead Sez: Who's not admittin'? Life blows!
"Gary Coleman's little brother" asks: Have you been eating Cheetos?
Fathead Sez: Why? Does my svelte figure give me away?
"Storm Rouge" asks: Are you gay?
Fathead Sez: Is this a proposition? Ya better have a fat checking account, kid!
"Merie" asks: Will corey ask me to the dance?
Fathead Sez: Only in exchange for a han'job...
"Yucky Morrow" asks: Fathead, if there was a fight between Leonardo DiCaprio and Richard Simmons, who would you put your money on?
Fathead Sez: Although this "fight" would only amount to a few minutes of limp-wristed flailing, my money would be on Simmons. At least he's in some kinda shape from sweatin' to the oldies and shit. The DiCaprio kid's all baby fat.
"Sleepy" asks: What's the ingredient in turkey that makes you so tired?
Fathead Sez: Cyanide. In an extremely low dose, of course.
"Curious" asks: Will there ever be a cure for AIDS?
Fathead Sez: There already is. Dont shoot up or take it in the ass. Where do I pick up my Nobel Prize?
"Anonymous" asks: Wont somebody shut that fat Rosie O'Donnell bitch up, already?
Fathead Sez: I've been trying to for a year. Security's too tight.....
"Piss Swiller" asks: Fathead, are you in any way related to a certain Irish chap named McPissy™?
Fathead Sez: McPissy™? More like McPissed off!
"Anonymous" asks: My room is too warm.. what should I do?
Fathead Sez: Move outta the desert. I hear The Netherlands are nice this time of year.
"Darkness" asks: Why cant I get laid?
Fathead Sez: Stop asking the whores to charge by the inch. They have to make a living too, ya know!
"Burnin' Stoolie" asks: Fathead, I have a problem... it burns when I go poo... what causes this and what should I do?
Fathead Sez: Cause: anal fissures. Solution: a gory suicide.
"Another Pimply Geek" asks: Hi, I am planning on filling the body of everyone at my school with bullets. Do yo have any advice? Perhaps the stealthiest firearm for death from seemingly nowhere?
Fathead Sez: DAMN! I got to this letter after school was let out for the summer! Hopefully you were able to carry on without instructions from Uncle Fathead, but in case ya held back, I gotta go with a totally different method. Flamethrower. Bullets and school shootings... are so passe' nowadays... to get the media's attention- FLAME ON!!! *wink*
"Mark" asks: where can I get G.I. Joe comics?
Fathead Sez: I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say the comic store.
"Loverboy" asks: Will I be rich?
Fathead Sez: No, you'll die homeless and alone in a hovel with no one around to notice your corpse for at least 3 weeks, when the stench causes the cops to come check out the situation, in which case you'll be thrown in a cardboard coffin and buried unceremoniously and anonymously in a hole at Potter's field. Hope that helps!
"Chamlay" asks: Why do I wake up with 'morning wood'?
Fathead Sez: Better that than 'morning crabs'.... not that I would.. uh... know....
"Lotsanutscarne" asks: How come no one has invented "ball spray" yet? They've had vagina fresheners forever! My balls feel ashamed and deprived of their true elasticity!
Fathead Sez: In life- Ya gotta improvise... Try Lysol. Sure, the bitches may complain about the taste, but antiseptic nuts are the freshest nuts in town!
"Chris" asks: Why is the girl I like such a bitch? God, I hope she rots in hell. What the hell's her problem??
Fathead Sez: Chris, it could be anything from her ass looking too fat in her jeans, to plain ol' PMS. Whatever the cause of her angst, however, the answer is a devastating bitchslap. You'll thank me later (unless she pulls a 'Bobbit' on ya, in which case, you're on your own).
"Roid Boy" asks: Fathead, why in the hell do people not use their turn signals while driving?
Fathead Sez: Because they are weakly little shits who cannot muster the strength to move the neccessary lever. Dont look for people to use the turn signals until they make it an auditory command, like where you say "left" into an overhead mic built into the sun visor... and even then, society's too lazy to speak correctly, so hopefully this new gadget will be 'mumble-proof'...
"The Imposter" asks: I find myself sweating uncontrollably from unlikely parts of my body. What should I do?
Fathead Sez: Like we dont know this is Louie Anderson!
"Ma Jin Hong" asks: What's the best way to cheat without getting caught?
Fathead Sez: Run around town with "groucho" glasses on. Works for me!
"Piss Swiller" asks: Why cant humans shake themselves dry like dogs?
Fathead Sez: They can. Ever see a drunk with the D.T.'s?? (if not, stop by P.I. Headquarters on a friday night)
"Cammy" asks: Why in the hell do we have to go to school, it is all so f#@king worthless. Cant we just blow them all to hell?
Fathead Sez: Because without school, you wouldnt be able to read this page. And that would be... a.. shame.. ah, you're right- just blow em all to f#@kin' hell, already!! MUHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!
"D Skin" asks: Paper? or Plastic?
Fathead Sez: Paper if you're buying porn (your neighbors dont need to see you carrying "Uncle Jimmy's Chickenhawk Follies, Vol. 7"), and plastic if you're buying handguns/ammunition (your neighbors need to see what they're up against if they decide to turn you in for buying "Uncle Jimmy's Chickenhawk Follies, Vol. 7").