I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel allday.
--Frank Sinatra

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.
--William Butler Yeats

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
--Ernest Hemingway

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
--Ernest Hemingway

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
--Dean Martin

Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.
–Anonymous

No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness -or as good as drink.
--G.K. Chesterton

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
--Catherine Zandonella

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
--Ambrose Bierce

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
–Anonymous

I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
--W.C. Fields

Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.
–Anonymous

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
--David Daye

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
--Oscar Wilde

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
–Anonymous

I 'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
--Tom Waits

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
--Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fallasleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven...
-- Brian O'Rourke

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline.
-It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
--Frank Zappa

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
--Winston Churchill

He was a wise man who invented beer.
–Plato

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
--Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
--Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
--Humphrey Bogart

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.
--David Moulton

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
--Kaiser Wilhelm

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
--Dave Barry

I drink to make other people interesting.
--George Jean Nathan

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
--Homer Simpson

The Manager
Y.M.C.A - Hotell
LONDON

Dear Signore Direttore,
Now I am tella you story wot I was a-treated at your hotella.
I am a-comma from Roma as tourist to London and stay as a-younga christian man at your hotella.
When I comma in my room I see there is no shit in my bed - how can I sleep with no shit in my bed? So I calla down to receptione and tella: "I wanta shit".
"Go to toilet", they tella me.
"No, no. I wanta shit in my bed", I say.
"You'd better not shit in your bed, you sonna-wa-bitch", they say.
What is a sonna-wa-bitch?
I go down for breakfast into restorante. I order bacon and egga and two pisses of toast. I getta only one piss of toast. I tella waitress, and point at toast:
"I wanta piss", I say.
"Go to toilet", she tella me.
"No, no. I wanta piss on my plate", I say.
"You'd bloody wella not piss on the plate, you sonna-wa-bitch", she say.
This is the second person who do not even know me and calla me "sonna-wa-bitch", and why is your staff replying "Go to toilet", is that a modern tella? I do not understand, please tella me!
Later I go for dinner in your restorante. Spoon and knife is laid out, but no fock. I tella waitress:
"I wanta fock".
"Sure, everyone wanta fock", she tella me.
"No, no. You don't understanda me. I wanta fock on the table", I say.
"So you sonna-wa-bitch wanta fock on the table? Get your ass out of here", she say.
How comma this christian hotell tella the guest in such bed manner?
So I go to receptione and ask for bill. I no wanta stay in this hotella no more. When I have paid the a-billa the portier say to me:
"Thank you, and piss on you".
"Piss on you too, you sonna-wa-bitch, I now go back to Italy", I say.

Direttore, I never gonna stay in your hotella no more, you sonna-wa-bitch.

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde".
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the Blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said,
"How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"