Yuffie:  Aeris?  What are you doing, here?

(Yuffie walks up to Aeris and kneels down next to her and looks at the flowers)

(Aeris looks at Yuffie, smiles, and hands her a flower)

Aeris:  Aren't they beautiful?

Yuffie:  I guess.  *Achoo!*

(Yuffie sneezes)

Yuffie:  Damn hayfeaver.

Aeris:  I always liked flowers.  In Midgar, where there is nothing but pollution, crime, and corruption, it's always nice to see
something beautiful growing and living through it all.

Yuffie:  Yea.  I suppose that's one thing that makes Wutai better than Midgar.  Sure, it might be really boring but at least it's not really exciting.

Aeris:  Haha, well, sometimes instead of looking at the bad side of everything, you should be more optimistic and be thankful for all the good things you have.

Yuffie:  Hey, you're right.  It's nearly impossible to stay in a distressed mood around ya, isn't it?

(Yuffie looks around the meadow then sighs.  She gets up, walks around for a moment, then kneels by Aeris again)

Yuffie:  Cloud misses you.  Why did you have to go and do that?  What were you thinking at the moment?

Aeris:  Do what?

Yuffie:  You should have seen the shock on his eyes, as Sephiroth came from the sky.

Aeris:  Sephiroth?  I didn't know he would.  I don't want to talk about it.

(Aeris gets back to tending to the flowers)

Yuffie:  Why not?  It seems like a pretty big deal to me and...

(A lady in a green dress with long red hair and an olive branch in her hair appears at the edge of the meadow)

Kaelle:  Don't you think you've tortured her enough?

Yuffie:  Huh?  Who are you?

Kaelle:  My name is Kaelle, the original goddess of power.  But you already knew that.

Yuffie:  Oh!  Well of course I did!

Kaelle:  Right.

Yuffie (to herself):  Dammit, I need to pay more attention in class.

Kaelle:  You shouldn't push it, Yuffie.  Although it sounds bad, there will be times when you won't have the power to change fate.  There was nothing that could have saved Aeris.  Her life was forfeit to save the planet.

Yuffie:  But you're a goddess!  You could have done something, couldn't you have?

Kaelle:  And there will be other times where just because you have the power doesn't mean you should use it.  Yes, we could have prevented Aeris's death but we decided against it.  Her life was worthless, anyway.

Yuffie:  Worthless?

Kaelle:  What is the point to living but to pass on your own seed so that your offspring can live to pass on their own seed?

(Kaelle softly grabs onto the branch of a nearby tree and strokes the leaves)

Kaelle:  What difference is there between a human and this tree?  The human might be able to move, create, and manipulate, but the end result is the same.  They die, become one with the lifestream, then get regurgitated back into something else.

Yuffie:  My... life isn't worthless, is it?

(Kaelle closes her eyes and holds a leaf up to her face)

Kaelle:  Sorry to say it.  Yours is one of the most worthless of all.

Yuffie:  Wait here while I get a second opinion on this.

(Yuffie runs up to Aeris)

Yuffie:  Aeris, what do you think about life?

Aeris:  Life?  I wasn't expecting you to ask me something like that.

Yuffie:  I dunno.  Do you think that I've accomplished anything in my life at all?  Every time the subject comes up, I get the feeling that you guys didn't need my help at all.

Aeris:  Well, you did steal everyone's materia.

Yuffie:  ......... so it wouldn't have mattered if I was born or not.

Aeris:  Aw, Yuffie, don't be so sad.  Your life is precious, and you're still young.  You still have your entire life ahead of you.  You should be thankful for that and your own life.

Kaelle:  Hmph.

(Yuffie looks at Aeris)

Yuffie:  Thanks.  Hey, could you tell that to Kaelle?

(Kaelle has a surprised look on her face)

Aeris:  Who?

Yuffie:  Kaelle, she's the original goddess of power!  She's standing behind me.

(Aeris looks behind Yuffie and her eyes grow wide)

Yuffie:  What?  Aeris?  Is something wrong?

(Yuffie turns around and sees this huge dark evil tree)

Nathan:  YUFFIE!  Look out!

(The tree rears back one of its large branches to strike at Yuffie and...)
 
 

(...Yuffie gets smacked hard and is sent flying into a nearby building)

(Nathan runs up to Yuffie)

Nathan:  Are you okay?

Yuffie (cringing):  Wonderful save, there.

Nathan:  Hey, you're the master ninja, not me!  I figured that you'd jump out of the way or something like that.

Yuffie:  Gee, it makes me feel so much better to see your confidence in me.  But why don't you handle that thing while I bleed to death for a few minutes?

(Irene casts cure 3 on Yuffie)

Yuffie:  Or maybe not.

(The dark evil tree lumbers over to Yuffie and Nathan)

Nathan:  Fear not, for I shall use my wonderful peep ability to scan this monster's weaknesses!

Yuffie:  It's a damn tree!  It's obviously weak against fire, right?

Nathan:  According to my clokedex, this is a Mu Tree and it's a plant type clockwork.

Yuffie:  Moo tree?  What does it do?  Fire killer cows?

(Yuffie darts a shurikan at the Mu Tree)

Nathan:  Actually, it represents nothingness.

(Everything near the tree gets sucked into a void)

Yuffie:  So everything around it basically becomes nothing?

(The void around the tree grows larger)

Nathan:  Well.... according to legend it will eventually turn the whole planet into nothingness if it's not destroyed soon.

(Irene gets almost gets sucked into the void but Nathan quickly catches her and keeps her from flying in)

Yuffie:  Why would Shinra manufacture something that represents nothingness?

(Yuffie grabs Nathan with one arm and a nearby lamp post with the other)

Nathan:  Well, the Mu Tree is really a legendary clockwork said to be made only by gods and powerful ancient races.  Now that I think about it, I think I remember hearing that Deus thing we fought a while back was a legendary clockwork, too.

(Nathan starts shooting the tree)

Yuffie:  Great, not one of THOSE things again.  I'm getting tired of having to eradicate every stupid weapon that arrives to destroy our planet.

(Irene blasts the Mu Tree with a holy spell and it keels over and everyone stops getting sucked in)

Irene:  Haha, I r0xx0r3d him.

(Yuffie yanks Nathan and Irene out of the big pit of nothing)

Nathan:  Be that as it may, I can't help but think that the appearance of these clockworks designed to specifically destroy the planet is not a good thing.

(The Mu Tree explodes, sending Yuffie, Nathan, and Irene slamming into the nearby building)

Yuffie:  No shit!
 
 
 

(Cosmo Canyon.  Every Cosmo Canyoner is running around doing... um, stuff)

(Richiese walks into view)

Richiese:  Ah, I wonder what those fools are thinking, now.

(Richiese walks up to Elder Hargo)

Richiese:  I am here in the name of Princess Camui.

Hargo:  Camui?  She hasn't gotten into any trouble, has she?

Richiese:  No, but I need to pick up something for her.

Hargo:  Oh?  What does she need?

Richiese:  I have orders to take all the materia in Cosmo Canyon and bring it to her.

Hargo:  What?  Our materia?!?  We can't just give you that!

(Richiese grabs old man Hargo by the neck and puts her claws up to his throat)

Richiese (grinning):  I sincerely hope you reconsider.

Hargo:  Argh!  Nanaki, where are you now?

(Hargo hands Richiese a bunch of materia then runs away)

Richiese:  I'm sure this isn't all of it!  I hope that I don't have to bring the entire wrath of Wutai down on all your heads!

Bugah:  Okay, okay!

(A ton of materia is thrown at Richiese, crushing her)

Bugah:  Omigosh!  Think we killed her?

Hargo:  Don't know, don't know!

Bugah:  Maybe we should dig her out?

Hargo:  Oh yea, good idea!

(Bugah and Hargo remove some of the materia.  Richiese jumps out and punches both of them)

Hargo:  Oh wait, bad idea!

(Richiese grabs out a little phone device, dials some numbers, and presses a button on it.)
 
 
 

(Elena is sitting back at her secretary desk and chewing bubble gum while talking on the phone)

Elena:  Oh, and Rude did the stupidest thing while he was drunk yesterday.  He grabbed Reno, spun him around, then threw him out the window.  I swear, sometimes he just seems like a complete idiot.

(There's a beeping noise at the phone)

Elena:  Oh!  Hang on, Rude, I got another call.

Rude:  *sniff*

(Elena presses a button on the phone)

Elena:  Heeeelloooo?  Shinra telemarketing services, here for all your telephone shopping needs.

(The person on the other line hangs up)

Elena:  Anyway, Rude, what were we talking about?

Rude:  We were talking about how much of an idiot you were.

Elena:  Oh.

(Elena's eyes get all watery)

(There's another beeping noise at the phone)

Elena:  Hang... on.... Rude, I got another call.

(Elena blows her nose on a handkerchief)

Elena:  Shinra telemarketing services, here for all your telephone shopping needs.

Richiese:  Ah, I give greetings to my fellow villains of the telephone industry!  I hope you guys are doing a good job of making life hell for everyone.  But I could have sworn that this number was for the Shinra Office.

Elena:  Drat, yea, you're right.  Who do you want to talk to?

Richiese:  I want to get in touch with the head of the Shinra Science department, please.

Elena:  Oh?  Do you have an authorization code?

Richiese:  No, but I can do an excellant impression of a telemarketeer, myself.  I shall now offer to sell you a...

Elena:  Okay, okay!  Sheesh, I'll connect your line to her.

(Elena presses a button on the phone)

Elena:  Dammit, I hate it when it's such a slow day that I have to resort to this stupid secretary job just to make an extra buck.

Rude:  What took so long to get that other person off the hook?  Did she not fall for your telemarketing imitation or something?  Oh well, what were we talking about?

Elena:  We were talking about how much of an idiot Reno was.

Rude:  Oh yea!
 
 
 
 

(Kafan walks up to the video screen and turns it on.  Richiese and a large pile of materia is displayed on screen)

Richiese:  I need some advice.  You wouldn't happen to know exactly how I am supposed to channel the power of materia collectively to make it into a powerful life force, do you?

Kafan:  Haven't you paid any attention during chemistry class?

Richiese:  I have a world to conquer and destroy!  I don't have time to waste with petty details!

Kafan:  Well it should be in your textbook somewhere.

Richiese:  Cool, I'll look it up.

Kafan:  Is any of that for Yuffie?

Richiese:  Why would I give my arch nemesis some of MY materia?

Kafan:  Well, her birthday is tomorrow.  And we all know she's really your best friend.

Richiese:  I could have sworn she already had her stupid birthday only a year ago.  Well, any idea where she is so I can send her a little.... present?

Kafan:  She's in Midgar somewhere.  It probably won't be difficult for me to find her since we have security cameras everywhere... even in the bathrooms for some stupid reason.  Good thing I found that out and disconnected all the ones in MY room.

Richiese:  That was something I don't think I needed to know.  But I'll give you Yuffie's... present so you can give it to her.

(Richiese writes something on a piece of paper, puts it in an envelope, then places the envelope into her phone device.  It pops back out on Kafan's side)

Kafan:  You're giving her a check?

Richiese:  No, I'm giving her something much better than that.  But I don't want you to read it because it's for Yuffie.  Well, I'll be off now.

(The video screen turns off)

Vincent:  She destroyed the entire Corel Mining Company, you know..

Kafan:  What?

(Kafan turns around and looks at Vincent)

Vincent:  Your theory about the orbs was correct.  After Yuffie revived that orb, the entire underground world was completely erradicated.

Kafan:  What?  That can't be right... that theory was completely unsubstantiated and only based on hearsay.

Vincent:  Hearsay can be a powerful thing sometimes.

Kafan:  Hmm.... if my theory is true, then there's nothing we can do, anyway.

Vincent:  There is always something you can do.  Human beings are not helpless.  Sephiroth is a prime example.

Kafan:  Sephiroth is a prime example of how truly helpless human beings are.

Vincent:  Hmm.  Well, I'm going to stop her.

(Vincent exits the room)

Tina:  Why did you tell him that stupid little fable?

Kafan:  I don't know.

Tina:  You put Yuffie's life in danger.  That wasn't a very nice thing to do.

Kafan:  I know that now.

Tina:  Well, you'd better find Yuffie soon.  And she needs your poison orb.  If we don't get all eight orbs in time, the fiends will have the entire world wiped.

(Kafan and Tina walk out to the balcony.  Carnie is standing at the edge looking out to the stars)

Kafan:  What happened down there?

Tina:  Yuffie couldn't save the earth orb in time.  Lich managed to drain it of all its power and it couldn't hold up the underground area any longer.

(Silence as Kafan stares at Carnie for a moment.  Carnie is looking out to the sky.  Her eyes have blackened make-up around them.)

Kafan:  Carnie, what are you doing over there?

(Carnie takes out a large orb and places it on the balcony rail, then takes her flute and plays a tune similar to Terra's theme music)

(Carnie takes out a stuffed moogle from her pocket, puts it next to the orb, and gives the flute to it.  It continues to play the flute)

Carnie:  .....

        Do I ever go where I choose to?
        Do I ever know where the wind blows?
        Will we ever have our salvation?
        So come my friend, until the end.

        Will they ever know what is true?
        Do they realize what they do?
        Do they even know that the wind... doesn't blow?
        The roads which will not bend, have come to their end.

        Is it true our fate is unchanging?
        Is it true our star will never come?
        Do I ever know where the wind blows?
        Can we stop this trend and prevent the end?
 

(Carnie turns to look at Kafan. She's grinning evilly)

Carnie:  Kafan!  I had the most wonderful idea.  I just realized that with all of the information I have on Shinra, now, I could easily tear down this demonic company and bring back Paradise!

Kafan:  Come again?  I thought you were over this.

(Carnie spins around)

Carnie:  I've seen the light again, Kafan!  This is it!  The perfect time to revive the Cetra!  Then we can finally get destroy THEM!

(Carnie glares at Tina, who remains expressionless)

Kafan:  Carnie, it is scientifically impossible to revive a race that is already extinct.

Carnie:  We're not extinct, Kafan.  And we still have the power to bring them down.  Are you with us?

Kafan:  Are you drunk?  And what do you mean by "we?"

Carnie:  Well, I'm not worried.  You'll remember what Lars said to you.  Hopefully by then, I will have already found Paradise and we can start from there.

(Carnie grabs the stuffed moogle, orb, and the flute and jumps off the balcony)

Kafan:  Carnie!

(Kafan runs to the edge of the balcony and looks down to see Carnie slowly levitate to the ground then run off)

Tina:  She's drunk.

Kafan:  .......

Tina:  Was that the ice orb?  You'll have to ask Carnie for it and give it to Yuffie when Carnie's hangover is over.

Kafan:  Yea, I will.

Tina:  Good.  She should be at the edge of Midgar in sector 255.  You'll know she's nearby when you find the airship, the Highwind, which is completely infested by Plague.

Kafan:  Plague?

Tina:  You know what will happen if you hold onto that orb.  It'll be just like last time.  You don't want to be responsible for another mass slaughter, do you?

Kafan:  Of course not.

Tina:  You've done a good job of maintaining the orb's power for us, Kafan, but it's time to hand the orb down to someone who could better handle it.  I know Yuffie, of all people, doesn't seem like the right choice but you know, better than anyone else, about her true potential.

Kafan:  Yes, I said I'll get it to her.

(Kafan walks back inside and enters the elevator.  After the elevator moves down a couple floors, it stops and Kafan exits it and walks up to Elena, who's still chatting at her secretary desk)

Elena:  Yea, I guess.  The only person who really wasn't an idiot was Tseng.  I miss Tseng.

Kafan:  Elena, care to do something else besides sit in a desk all day and talk on the phone?

(Elena puts the phone down on the table)

Elena:  Well, I guess anything is better than pretending to be a telemarketeer to get  away from all those important calls from important people to other important people.

Kafan:  Good.  I need an escort through Reactor No. 9.

Elena:  Reactor Nine?  The new one?  Gee, I don't know that area very well.  I'd better get Rude and Reno.

(Elena picks up the phone)

Elena:  Hey Rude, could you find Reno and come over here?

(Rude pops out of a hidden closet behind Elena's desk with Reno)

Reno:  Hiya!

Elena:  What are you doing there?

Reno:  Spying on your phone conversations.

Rude:  ........

Reno:  Turks here and ready for anything!

Elena:  No reactor full of radioactive fumes will stop us!

Kafan:  (These guys really need Tseng back...)
 
 
 

(Inside a prison in the Highwind, which is full of lots of green slime and greenish fog all over the place.  Some of the Highwind crewmembers are playing cards with some Wutai soldiers in the prison cell while Gorky eats some rice)

Highwind Crewmember:  Full house.

Wutai Soldier:  Royal Flush.

Highwind Crewmember:  Dammit.

Gorky:  Gee, sitting around an airship waiting for someone to arrive gets really boring sometimes.  No wonder why gambling among airship owners was rampant a long time ago.

Yuffie's voice:  Hello?  Anyone in here?

Gorky:  That's Miss Yuffie's voice!  What's she doing over here in Midgar?

(Yuffie, wearing a gas mask, runs down the stairs and over to the prison)

Yuffie:  Gorky!  Those Highwind guys with no names!  What are you doing in there?

Crewmember:  Playing cards.

Soldier:  It's lots of fun.

Yuffie:  Oh.  Okay.  I'll wait until you're done.  How do you guys survive with all this poison gas floating around?

Crewmember:  Aw, it's not so bad once you get used to it.

Yuffie:  Hey, do you guys know where Cid is?

Crewmember:  These bastards killed his girlfriend then threw him in a jail at Rocket Town!

Soldier:  No we didn't!  Okay, well, we threw him in jail but we didn't kill his girlfriend!  We still don't know what happened to her or to the rest of the Rocket Town populace.  Besides, we had to throw Cid in jail so he wouldn't kill himself out of grief.  And we let that fat guy, Palmer, go, because we didn't care if he kill himself.

Gorky:  Someone like that fat Palmer could only hurt Shinra in the long run.

(Gorky greedily snarfs up more rice)

Yuffie:  Are you done yet?

Wutai Soldier:  Royal Flush.

Highwind Crewmember:  DAMMIT!  Yea, we're done.  I'm out of money.

Other Soldier:  Me too.

(Yuffie lock picks the door)

Yuffie:  Wow, first try!  I'm not that bad of a ninja, afterall.

Crewmember:  Actually, the door was already unlocked.  We just didn't bother to open it since we were too busy playing cards.

Yuffie:  Oh.  Well, how'd you get in there, anyway?

Gorky:  After Mikaru left to find your evil imposter, some sort of evil poisonous beast and his army of poison beasties came out of the engine and threw us in this dungeoun, then said something about leaving for reactor nine to guard a poison orb.

Yuffie:  A poison orb?  In Reactor Nine?  I thought there were only eight reactors and most of them blew up.  Hmm.  Well, I guess I can't leave without getting that orb since the gods themselves seem to want me to collect them.

(Everyone exits the prison)

Yuffie:  Are you going to clean all this sludge up?

Gorky:  Of course!  Oh, and thanks for letting us out of there, Miss Yuffie!  Now I can quickly go buy you a birthday present while the night is young.

(Gorky exits)

Yuffie:  Birthday present?

Wutai Soldier:  Well yea, you didn't know?  Tomorrow is November 20th, your birthday.

Yuffie:  It is?  I could have sworn that I celebrated my birthday only like one month ago.

Wutai Soldier:  Well, whatever.  We have to get out of here to get some fresh air!

(Everyone runs outside)

Nathan:  Whew!  You're all right.  I wish I brought more than one gas mask but it looks like it wasn't needed.

Yuffie:  Yea.  Did you know that my birthday was tomorrow?

Nathan:  It was?  I thought you celebrated that only 2 months ago.  Last I checked, birthdays for the same person were a year apart.

Yuffie:  Well, I sorta did.  But that was only because we were trapped back in time at a different date so I don't think it counts.  Besides, all I got was a cupcake that Shake made for me and it tasted like horse dung.

Nathan:  Oh, I see your point.

Yuffie:  .......but I guess it's too late to set up a real birthday party, isn't it?  After all, I'm too busy trying to save the planet and all that stuff.  And the rest of my friends are all at Wutai or somewhere else far away.

Wutai Soldier:  Ah, it's getting late!  I'm going to sleep.

Highwind Crewmember:  Yea.  Good night!

Yuffie:  It's not a big deal and it's late, anyway.  I'd better start pitching up the tents.

(Yuffie climbs down the airship ladder to the ground)

Nathan:  Well, that's not very nice.  I think after all the work she done with saving the planet from meteor and now this, she at least deserves a decent party.

Highwind Crewmember:  Actually, Yuffie barely did jackshit when it came to saving the planet from meteor.

Nathan:  Shows what you know.  Come on, Irene, let's see if we can get the Highwind back into shape for Yuffie's birthday party.

Irene:  (We?  What do you mean by "We"?)
 
 
 

(A Mako reactor.  A helicopter flies and crashes into the reactor, then explodes)

(Another helicopter lands next to the reactor's entrance)

Elena:  Whew, good thing we weren't in THAT helicopter.  I'm a better helicopter pilot then you guys thought, right?

(Elena looks at Rude and Reno.  Reno's hair and Rude's one hair is standing up)

Tiamat:  On a side note I'm not sure if Rude has one hair but whatever.

Kafan:  Let's go.

(Kafan, Elena, Rude, and Reno enter the reactor)

Elena:  I thought this reactor was new.  What's all this green stuff on the floor?

(A winged greenish yellowish Ahriman, which is a beast with wings and one big eye, flies up to Kafan)

The Ahriman:  Kafan, you've betrayed the Light Warriors.  I can not let you retrieve the poison orb.

Reno:  Poison orb?

Kafan:  Who are you?  You have no right to question what I do!

The Ahriman:  I am Plague, the recently appointed fiend of poison!  You're a fool, Kafan.  A weak-minded hypocrite who only sides with the winning side.  But you will die here, and we will be free to destroy those "gods" without your treachery!

(Plague dissappears)

Elena:  Gods?  Fiend of poison?

Reno:  Huh?  What?

(The door behind Kafan and the turks closes)

Rude:  ..........

Reno:  Oh shit.

(Kafan swings her stick in a circle then presses a button on it.  A handle and trigger appear at one end of the stick and the other end opens up, turning the stick into a long barrelled gun)

Kafan:  What are you waiting for?  You're job is to help me reach the reactor core.  Come on!

Rude:  Of course.

Reno:  Great...

Koffing:  Koffing!

(Kafan shoots the koffing and it explodes)

(The group heads to the bottom of the Mako reactor, fending off the various beasts with Reno's nightstick, Rude's kung foo and magic, Elena's grenades, and Kafan's chemical weaponry and gun.  The four stop in front of the big reactor core.  Inside the core hovering in midair encased by glowing light is a green orb)

Elena:  Ew.... good thing we wear mostly black, although getting all these poison stains out of my white shirt will be very difficult.

(Plague flies down in front of Kafan)

Plague:  You still won't give up?  Now you must face me, Plague, the fiend of poison!

(A bunch of red Ahrimans fly up from the core depths)

Plague:  Now you must deal with me and my dreaded Death Sentence attack!

(Plague casts "Count" on Kafan, Reno, Rude, and Elena but it doesn't work)

Plague:  Huh?

Reno:  Don't you just love accessories that protect you from mortal attacks?

Plague:  Gods dammit!  Those $&(#)@#$ sons of $#@(es and their stupid accessories!  No wonder why every next Final Fantasy game is so damn easy!

(The party gets blasted with a mass poison spell but nothing happens)

Elena:  Accessories and armour that protect from status ailments are really helpful, too.

(Kafan throws an acid potion at Plague)

Plague:  AAAAAAH!!!! MY EYE!!!!

(Plague spins around and spirals into the depths of the core and there's a huge explosion down there.  All the Ahrimans fly away)

Reno:  Hmm... well that was interesting.  Ya know, it's rather nice to be the center of attention and get to fight boss monsters instead of just being seen as side villains.

Rude:  Yea.

(Kafan walks up to the core and presses some keys at the key pad there.  The light around the orb dissappears and it floats into Kafan's hands)

Kafan:  I've unlocked the door systems.  Let's go.  It's late.

(The group leaves the core area)




(The next day...)

Zenith:  Happy Birthday, Yuffie!

(Inside the main Wutai pagoda)

Yuffie?:  It's my birthday?

Shake:  I baked you a thrifty cupcake!

Yuffie:  Really??  Thanks!!

Shake:  Too bad we can't sing the happy birthday song because it's copyrighted so if we did, Tiamat would get sued!

Yuffie:  Oh well, that's okay!

(Yuffie takes a bite out of the cup cake then quickly spits it out)

Yuffie:  YUCK!!!!  This thing tastes like horse dung!

Shake:  Hehe...

Yuffie:  I wish Mikaru were here.  I wonder what's taking her so long to kill that stupid imposter of mine.  And where did Richiese go?

Stilt:  Richiese had some... plans and couldn't attend your *cough* bullshit *cough* birthday.

Zenith:  Here's your birthday present from me.

(Zenith hands Yuffie a large package.  Yuffie quickly opens it up)

Yuffie:  Oh wow!  A full set of Squaresoft Final Fantasy Ninja clothes with matching red headbands and neato chain vest.  And a large bouquet of flowers with a heart-shaped box of chocolates and some sort of small device with a button on it.

(Yuffie presses the button on the small circle shaped device)

(Everyone's three favorite clowns in clown suits, Ozzie, Flea, and Slash, run up to Yuffie)

Ozzie, Flea, and Slash:  Happy birthday, happy birthday!  Whoopy doo!  Whoopy doo!  Open up your presents, open up your presents!  Just for you!  Just for you!

(Ozzie, Flea, and Slash run away)

(Yuffie looks up at Zenith)

Yuffie:  Wow!  Thanks, Zenith!

Zenith:  Anytime.

(Zenith bows)

(Two hours after a bunch of mirth and merriment, everyone has left except Yuffie? and Stilt and the Pagoda room is all messy with a bunch of confetti and cake strewn around)

(Judith enters the room)

Judith:  OKAY, what the hell do you think you were doing?

Yuffie:  Well, if I'm going to be Yuffie I might as well celebrate her birthday, right?

Judith:  .......

Yuffie:  But I feel guilty being given birthday presents that were meant for Yuffie.  Seeing as to how Mikaru hasn't killed her yet, I suppose it would be only fair that I get these birthday presents to her.  Like a final gift before Mikaru gets the job done.

Judith:  .......

Yuffie:  What?  You won't do it?

Judith:  You're the one who's supposed to be taking orders from me!  And I'm still mad that you sent Mikaru without my permission!

Yuffie:  Mikaru's a great fighter.  You worry too much.  Stilt, find a way to get these presents to Yuffie please.

Stilt:  Hmph.

(Stilt grabs the presents)

Stilt:  Might as well.  I need to find Yuffie so I can apologize to her.

(Stilt leaves)

Yuffie:  Being the ruler of Wutai is lots of fun.  I wish my favorite little doggy was here.  Oh well.
 
 
 

Tiamat:  Setting up a birthday for idiots who didn't prepare in advance.

When in trouble looking for party favors, green sludge in all its elasticity can be a wonderful substitute for confetti!

(There's a bunch of green lines strewn over the Highwind)

Tiamat:  In need of a cake?  Just rummage through nearby garbage cans and find an old thrown out one.  But make sure you remind your guests not to eat it!

Nathan:  Dammit, Irene!

Irene(throwing up):  :(

Tiamat:  If you need to invite party guests at the last minute, generic characters work fine!

Highwind Crewmembers and Wutai Soldiers:  Hiyas!

Tiamat:  And if you still need more party guests, just get a bunch of cardboard cut out people and paste them into the background for a static looking party group, kinda like what they did in old cartoons.

(Nathan glues more cardboard people to the wall)

Tiamat:  Finally, when all is said and done, don't forget what you have to say to the birthday girl.

Nathan, generic people, Gorky, and Irene:  HAPPY BIRTHDAY, YUFFIE!!!

(Yuffie looks around the Highwind)

Yuffie:  It's craptacular, guys.
 
 
 

Escargo Express Mailman:  This is Escargo Express!  Here's a postcard from the ice isle for you, Cloud, from some gal named Tifa.

Cloud:  Er... thanks.

Escargo Express Mailman:  We have mail for a girl named Yuffie.  You wouldn't happen to be Yuffie, too?  When you do a job like this where you have to deliver to people without addresses, you tend to have to ask people these things.

Cloud:  Do I look like a girl?!?

Escargo Express Mailman:  Well, you sorta do.

Cloud:  .........Watch it or I'll shove this big sword up your...

Mailman:  Okay, okay!  Do you know where I can reach Yuffie?

Cloud:  Well, not really.  What's the problem?

Mailman:  I need to get this present to her by the end of today, because it's her birthday!

Cloud:  What?  Damn, I've been too busy trying to find Tifa to remember Yuffie's birthday.  But I don't have time to buy her a present.  Who's this package from?

Mailman:  It's from an anonymous source.

Cloud:  Here, I'll take it.  I'll give it to Yuffie and say that it's from me.  Since it's from an anonymous source, there's no harm in that, is there?

Mailman:  Whatever!  I've done my job and given you this package.  Bye bye.

(The mail man runs away)

Cloud:  Come to think of it, I think I did see one of Yuffie's friends heading for sector 255.  I'd better mosey on over to there.
 
 
 
 

(Godo, Tina, and Kaelle walk into the Highwind.  Godo looks at all the people playing cards and the "Happy Birthday, Yuffie!" banner written and made using green sludge)

Godo:  Hmm, good.  I'm just in time for the festivities.

(Godo hands Yuffie a giftwrapped box then sits down to play cards with the other people)

Yuffie:  Aw dad, you remembered!

Godo:  Whatever.

(Yuffie opens up the package and takes out an ice materia)

Yuffie:  Wow!  And you didn't get me crap for my birthday, either!

Godo:  Quiet!  Playing cards!

Yuffie:  Wow, you gods are pretty nice, bringing my dad here to celebrate my birthday with me.

Tina:  Don't mention it.  We're gods.  We're the good guys.

Kaelle:  Celebrating the worthless day you were born.  How pathetic.

Yuffie:  What?

Kaelle:  This is all so meaningless.  You're celebrating the day your worthless life came into being.

Godo:  Bah, my daughter might be a pain in the ass but she's not worthless.

Tina:  Kaelle, stop that!  Yuffie's not doing that bad.  She's already gotten one of the eight orbs.  Oh, and look!  She's about to get another orb right now!

(Kafan enters the Highwind)

Yuffie:  Professor Kafan!

Kafan:  .......Hello, Yuffie.  Hello, everyone.

Yuffie:  Oh wow!  It's nice to have my dad and my favorite teacher for my birthday party, at least.

Kafan:  ........

Tina:  Yuffie, Kafan also has a present for you, don't you, Kafan?

Kafan:  A present.  Sometimes certain people seem to only have good things handed to them in life.  Is this a present from the gods?  What about those people who just don't have any luck?  Who get banished from their hometown because they loved their enemy?  Who get dumped by their loved one because someone else came along?  Did they deserve it?  Or were they just being handed another "present" from the gods?

Kaelle:  How dare you...

Tina:  Kafan, are you feeling okay?  Don't let Lars influence you with his lies!

Kafan:  I'm sorry.  Yuffie, I'm so sorry.  But I am a member of the Light Warriors.  I have already been "tainted" by Lars's blasphemy.  And because of that, you will have to kill me.

(Everyone glares at Kafan.  Kafan spins her stick around and it transforms into her gun)

Godo:  WHAT?

Yuffie:  Kafan!

Kafan:  You need the poison orb, Yuffie!  You need it to save the planet!  I have the poison orb, but you'll have to kill me for it.  I challenge you to a no-holds barred duel to the death, Miss Yuffie!  And none of you can intefere because you are not allowed to break the long forgotten Wutai code of honor!

Godo:  Kafan, are you insane?!?

Kafan:  I'm sorry....

(Kafan throws a potion to Yuffie then takes some flower petals from her sleeves and throws them into the air.  The flower petals quickly spread around the room, emitting a pink gas)

Godo:  ARGH!  You're using your poison move on us?

Kafan:  You have better all get out of here now, before you all die!

Nathan:  Crap!!!

Gorky:  Shit.

Kafan:  Yuffie, drink that.  It'll provide you with temporary immunity to the poison.  By the time it wears off, the poison will be gone.  As for the rest of you, why are you still here?  Do you want to die?

Generic people and cardboard cutouts:  We're outa here!

(All the generic people and cardboard people run upstairs)

(Nathan coughs)

Nathan:  Can't I ever do anything?

(Irene grabs Nathan and runs upstairs)

(Godo glares at Kafan)

Godo:  Dammit...

(Godo and Gorky run upstairs)

(Yuffie looks at the potion and stumbles back, then quickly drinks it)

Yuffie:  Kafan, why are you doing this?

Kafan:  It is destiny, Yuffie.  You've already killed Saki.  You have to kill the remaining seven Light Warriors before you can be successful.  You have to kill me.  That potion will protect you from the most deadliest of my poisons, the flower type, but it won't protect you against anything else.

(Kafan shoots at Yuffie, who dodges out of the way, then jumps far back)

Kafan:  The battle has already started, Yuffie!!!  There can be no other outcome except the death of one of us!  There is no other way!  It has already been ordained by the gods!

(Yuffie looks at Tina and Kaelle)

Tina:  I didn't plan it to be this way...

Kaelle:  You're the designated heroine.  She's right.  You have to fight her.

(Kaelle and Tina dissappear)

Yuffie:  Oh my gawd....

(Kafan, who's at the other side of the Highwind now, shoots at Yuffie again.  Yuffie quickly runs across her side of the Highwind, dodging Kafan's shots.  Kafan shoots Yuffie)

Yuffie:  Ow!

Kafan:  Why aren't you fighting back?  You'll die if you don't!  You have to kill me, Yuffie.  I give you full permission to do it.

Yuffie:  Oh gawd...

(Kafan continues running across her own side of the Highwind shooting at Yuffie, but this time Yuffie returns fire with her own shurikans.  Everytime Yuffie hits Kafan, Kafan counters by automatically throwing a potion into the air, which explodes above her and recovers her)

Kafan:  You can't outdamage me faster than I can heal myself when you're that far away, Yuffie!  You have to get closer!

Yuffie:  No...

(Kafan shoots Yuffie again.  Yuffie uses her Clear Tranquil limit break and heals herself)

Kafan:  Or you can die.

Yuffie:  Why?!?

(Kafan continues shooting from across the Highwind at Yuffie.  While dodging bullets, Yuffie runs across the Highwind and draws her Murasame as she reaches Kafan)

(Kafan throws an exploding potion which blasts Yuffie back)

Kafan:  Sometimes it is impossible to pull off a good offense yourself if you can not get past the offense of your opponent, Yuffie!

(Yuffie flips up and flips out of the way of some more of Kafan's exploding potions and gun shots then dashes up to Kafan.  Yuffie stops in front of her)

Yuffie:  Kafan, please stop!

Kafan:  Miss Yuffie, you already know that you should never pause and give your foe time to act.

(Kafan's gun quickly turns back into a stick and Kafan stabs Yuffie with it, then slams Yuffie on the head with it.  Kafan then jumps to the side)

(Yuffie jumps up to Kafan then stabs her with the Murasame.  Yuffie repeatedly slashes Kafan and knocks her to the ground.  Kafan throws up a potion but Yuffie knocks it out of the way with her sword)

Kafan:  That's good, Yuffie!  But can you keep up?

(Kafan drinks a speed potion then dashes to the other side of the Highwind, turns around, and shoots Yuffie again)

Yuffie:  Kafan, this is pointless!

Kafan:  This is the way it has to be!

(Kafan loads her gun with some exploding bullets, then fires them at Yuffie.  Yuffie dodges the explosions and runs across the Highwind and up to Kafan again.  Kafan's gun quickly transforms into a stick again.  Kafan drinks a strength potion then blocks Yuffie's sword strike with her stick.  The two fight for a while until Yuffie manages to hit Kafan with an upwards slice then slashes Kafan a few more times.  Kafan jumps back)

Yuffie:  I can't do this...

Kafan:  Miss... Yuffie... Please don't feel guilty when you kill me.  If you leave me alive... I'll eventually turn on you and rejoin the Light Warriors... just like Carnie has done... then things will only get harder for you....

(Kafan drinks an agility potion and her stick turns into a gun again.  Kafan's gun continuously fires automatically while Kafan swings it at Yuffie.  Explosions and bullets fill up the Highwind but Yuffie barely manages to dodge all of it.  Yuffie runs up to Kafan and an explosion from one of Kafan's shots hits both of them.  Yuffie and Kafan both get up at the same time but Yuffie quickly charges Kafan and slashes her several times then runs her through with her sword.  Yuffie pulls the Murasame out as Kafan falls back to the floor)

Yuffie:  K... Kafan?

Kafan:  That's... good... Miss... Yuffie.  You won't have to worry about me, anymore.

(All of the poisonous flower petals fade away as Kafan's blood begins to slowly spread across the floor)

Yuffie (teary-eyed):  Kafan... I still don't understand why.

Kafan:  It's better... that you don't.  You don't want to know what it's like to endure hardship throughout your life.  To be damned from the moment you were born.  You don't want to know what it's like to look upon the day you were born... your birthday... with nothing but regret and resentment.

Yuffie:  I'm... starting to do that, now...

Kafan:  Don't.  Don't feel guilty, Miss Yuffie.  It's only because I was too weak to accept my life any other way... because I failed to change it... that this had to happen.

Yuffie:  But...

(Kafan hands Yuffie the Poison Orb)

Kafan:  Happy... Birthday... Miss Yuffie...

Yuffie:  Oh my gawd...

(Yuffie runs crying past Godo, who has just come downstairs.  Godo looks at her while she runs by.  Godo walks up to Kafan)

Godo:  ......

Kafan:  Don't.... You have no right to say anything...

Godo:  She's my daughter, Kafan.  And she knows.

Kafan:  Just let... me die...

Godo:  Why should I?  Should I let you give up just like that?  I don't have respect for anyone like Ylluroko.  People like him that commit suicide when they see no other solution.  That's the coward's way out.  Ylluroko gave up on life and left you behind like a coward because he couldn't handle things.  So he left you to handle yourself.  But you did worse.  You didn't just commit suicide.  You couldn't even do that.  So you had Yuffie kill you instead.  And now you'll just leave her behind without any more of your guidance.  Is that what you want to do to Yuffie?

Kafan:  It's too late.

(Kafan closes her eyes)

Godo:  Oh please, you know it's not.  It's not like you didn't teach me the proper way to handle phoenix downs in all those years while I was your boyfriend.  Do you want my help or not?

Kafan:  .....  I'm sorry...
 
 
 
 

(Godo, supporting Kafan who's too hurt to walk on her own, exits the Highwind.  Yuffie, Nathan, and Irene are crying)

Godo:  Oh stop that!

(Yuffie turns around)

Yuffie:  Dad...?

Godo:  It was a mere flesh wound!  She'll be alright.

Yuffie:  She... will?

Kafan:  ......

Godo:  So don't worry about it!  Enjoy yourself!  It's your birthday today!

(Yuffie, still teary eyed, smiles)

Yuffie:  Thanks, dad!

(Yuffie hugs Godo)

Godo:  Well, I guess I'll have to tag along with you for a while.  While we have this airship, we might as well share it.  I'd better bring Kafan along to make sure she doesn't do anything stupid again.  Oh, and Kafan had this for you.  It's a birthday present from your friend, Richiese.

(Godo hands Yuffie an envelope)

Yuffie:  Cool!  Cold hard cash!  Richiese is such a good friend!

(Yuffie opens up the envelope)

Yuffie:  No wait... it's just a birthday card.  Psh, what a cheapskate.  Oh well.

Nathan:  What does it say?

(Yuffie reads the card)

Yuffie:  Dear Yuffie,

    I figured that it has finally come time for me to leave the Wutai Mafia and truly make a name for myself.
    As my first act as a true evil villain, I shall do one of the most vile things ever.  So, bearing in mind that it's
    you're birthday, I shall give you this message as your birthday present.

    You are no longer my friend.  From now on we are enemies.

    Hahaha!!!!  How's that for a birthday present?  The sheer evilness of it all is enough to make me proud!
    You now have only a short time before I revive Sephiroth and destroy the world!!!  You, Irene, and Nathan
    had better hurry to the dead ice nation of Paradise to the north!  Using the materia I gathered from all of
    Wutai's conquered lands, I now have enough life force to bring back Sephiroth himself and wreak havoc
    on the world that was undreamt of!  I'll be seeing you, oh greatest enemy of mine who's no longer my friend!

    Your friend,
        Richiese Deathstar

(Yuffie looks up from the letter teary-eyed again)

Nathan:  Richiese....

Irene:  :(

Godo:  Richiese has a last name?  Deathstar?  She must have made it up because we all know that she's an orphan.

Yuffie:  DAMN HER!  I don't want to have to go through THIS again!  We have to go to the ice area and stop her.  And what the hell is "Paradise"?

Nathan:  Beats me.

Yuffie:  Oh gawd, what a crappy birthday.  I hate this.  This is the worst birthday I've ever had in my life!

Cloud:  Hey, Yuffie!  Cool!  I saw the Highwind and you were on top of it!  Which is great, because I was looking for you.  Wow, what a coincidence.  I only came here in the first place so I could get a ride to the ice isle.  Tifa sent me a postcard from there which said "F*** you, asshole!".   Isn't she great?  Oh, and here.

(Cloud hands Yuffie a large package)

Cloud:  Happy Birthday, Yuffie!

Yuffie:  Um... thankie?

(Yuffie opens up the present)

Yuffie:  Oh wow!  A full set of Squaresoft Final Fantasy Ninja clothes with matching red headbands and neato chain vest.  And some sort of small device with a button on it.

(Yuffie presses the button on the small circle shaped device)

(Everyone's three favorite clowns in clown suits, Ozzie, Flea, and Slash, run up to Yuffie)

Ozzie, Flea, and Slash:  Happy birthday, happy birthday!  Whoopy doo!  Whoopy doo!  Open up your presents, open up your presents!  Just for you!  Just for you!

(Ozzie, Flea, and Slash run away)

Yuffie:  Cool!  But wait, there's one more thing...

(Yuffie takes out something else from the present box)

Yuffie:  A... large bouquet of flowers... with a heart-shaped box of chocolates.

(Yuffie, dazed, slowly looks up at Cloud)

Cloud:  So, how was your birthday?  Sorry that I missed the party.

Yuffie (smiling):  It was... the best birthday... I've ever had in my life.