Yuffie:  OH MY GAAAAAWD!!!!!!  Lenore shot the Physical Education teacher!!!!!!!!!!
 
 
 

Judith:  AAAAAAAAAAH!!!  Uncle Staniv!!!!  Are you all right?

Staniv:  OUCHY!

Lenore:  (Looks embarassed)

Judith:  WHY DID YOU DO THAT?

Lenore:  Well, I got tired of swordfighting, and wanted to try something else...

Staniv:  Hey, man, high tech weaponry is cool and all, but this is PE class!!!  We are supposed to be training with weapons that actually require some skill!

Lenore:  Guns require skill!  They're great for my eye-hand coordination!

Nathan:  Like videogames!

Staniv:  ........... Well, ninjas aren't supposed to use guns!  That's not traditional at all!

Yuffie:  Psh.  Tradition sucks.

Lenore:  Well, why not?  The only reason why guns aren't a ninja tradition is because there WERE no guns in the past!  Besides, I don't HAVE to be a ninja.  I'm not from Wutai, remember?  My parents only sent me here because they thought that Wutaian schools were better than Midgar schools.

Marel:  My parents sent me here because my old school as well as most of Midgar blew up.

Staniv:  Hmm...  Ninjas with guns?  It's bad enough that Godo tried to kick my ass when I suggested smoke bombs...

(Chekhov walks in)

Younger Marai look-alike, Chekhov:  Ah ha ha!  Gee, Staniv, you got your work cut out for you.

Staniv:  Oh shut up, Chekhov.

Chekhov:  Hey, let's see if my cousin is any good with a katana.

Yuffie:  Uh oh....

Shake:  HA HA HA!!!  Yuffie can't swordfight!  All she can do is throw shurikans!

Judith:  Why is that?  You're father is an excellent swordfighter.  I should think that his daughter would be good with swords, too.

Yuffie:  (slowly and whispering)  Shuuuuuut uuuup.....

Judith:  Man, I work so hard at this.  I spent an entire month of summer furiously training trying to get up to par with all of the ninja techniques, while you got to enjoy running off on adventures and saving planets.... sigh....

Yuffie and Lenore:  :)

Shake:  Well, Yuffie can't even untie herself from a rope!  Heck, she can't even untie her shoelace!

Yuffie:  SHADDUP!

Marel:  (Looks at Yuffie's tied shoe laces)

Staniv:  Well, I guess that's it for this class today.  Class dismissed.  It's lunch time now!

Gorky:  Oh joyous hour!

Judith:  Come on, Yuffie, we have to work on the project.

Yuffie:  Work work work.  Psh.  No we don't.

Judith:  There's more to the war than just a short explanation like that crappy one you gave yesterday.  I want to make sure I get an A on this.

Marel:  You're too tense.

Shake:  Odds are Yuffie's going to make us fail the project no matter what because she sucks....

(Marel is staring at Shake)

Shake:  WHAT?

Marel:  Um, why are you a junior in high school?  You seem... kind of.....

Shake:  Yo, you calling me short?!

Marel:  No, but...

Nathan:  Oh, that!  Shake is "gifted."  Basically, she had such a high IQ that she was able to skip a whole bunch of classes.

Marel:  Oh.  Hmm...

Chekhov:  Oh, and Yuffie!

Yuffie:  Huh?

Chekhov:  You're Omni Trial starts tomorrow!

Yuffie:  Cool!

Shake:  She'll probably fai....

(Yuffie throws Shake out the door)

Yuffie:  $&(#@)%&($#......

(Everyone but Staniv and Chekhov leaves)

Staniv:  Damn.  Those guns hurt.

Chekhov:  Wow.  I couldn't help but notice how small all the classes were nowadays.

Staniv:   Yeah....

Chekhov:  Sigh.  I remember when Wutai was much larger, much more filled with activity, and much more exciting...

Staniv:  I remember when the female students wore those cute sailor suits.

(Chekhov slaps Staniv)

Chekhov:  Too bad that war had to muck up everything.

Staniv:  Heh.  Ah, the great war.  That was really something.

Chekhov:  Enough of this.  I have to go prepare Yuffie's trial.

Staniv:  Doesn't Godo do that?

Chekhov:  Since when was the last time Godo actually took an active part in his daughter's affairs?

Staniv:  Oh yeah.
 
 

Wutai School Lunch Room

(Yuffie is sitting with Shake and Judith)

Judith:  The way I see it, there has to be some sort of file on the war somewhere.

Shake:  Did you try searching the internet?

Judith:  That turned up nothing.  There were a couple cool Shinra sites that I wanted to look up, but they were all confidential.

Yuffie:  Ugh.  Why are we discussing this crappy project anyway?  You're blowing this way out of proportion.  Kafan only wants a short little presentation that just gives the gist of the war.

Kafan:  (Sigh.  When will someone finally give me a competent history presentation?)
 
 
 
 

Lenore:  Look at him.

Marel:  Who?  Nathan?

Lenore:  Yeah!  Every day he sits there by himself!  Why?

Marel:  Simple really.  First of all, he's a geek.  No one sits next to geeks.  Second, well.... quite frankly, he's like one of the only boys at this freaking messed up whacked out school and sitting next to a girl would be a public announcement that they were having a relationship.  At least, that's the way it was at my school.

Lenore:  Well, it's kind of sad.  Let's go give him some company.

Marel:  Um, HELLO?  Did you listen to a thing I just said?  Not everything in this world can be so lovey dovey happy snappy like what you're trying to do!

Lenore:  Well, who cares?  Maybe the one reason why the world sucks so much is because no one is trying to make it better.

(Lenore drags Marel to Nathan's table)

Nathan:  AH!  Lenore, Marel!  You've come to help me with our project!

Lenore:  Um.... not exactly.

Nathan:  Tommorow is Friday.  We have a whole weekend to work!

Marel:  Come on!  The project isn't due for a while.

Lenore:  You really need a break.

Nathan:  Well, there's nothing else for me to do....cept play video games.

Lenore:  .........  Here, I have something for you.  This weekend, I'm going to the ruby dessert.

Nathan:  Ah!  The gold saucer!

Marel:  The Gold Saucer?  Isn't that waaaay too expensive?

Lenore:  No, not the Gold Saucer.  Something else.  Over the summer, I got to pick up this cute little item that supposedly opens up an ancient ruin there.  So, I figured, I might as well try it out this weekend.

Nathan:  Ancient ruin?  Could be interesting... maybe even educational!

Lenore:  Just a warning though.  It could be... um... slightly dangerous.  Ancient ruins are always infested by monsters for some reason.  It's the strangest thing!

Marel:  Yeah, why is that?  It seems that in every adventure we went on, and even in Yuffie's adventures, all the ancient ruins had monsters in them.... in fact, EVERY place that wasn't a town had monsters, from coal mines to caves to towers....

Lenore:  I guess monsters just like to spawn in those out of the way places.

Nathan:  Well, it's no problem.  We'll just use our heavy duty weaponry.  But, hey, Lenore, you're not supposed to use my pieces of work on the physics teacher.
 
 
 
 

Yuffie:  Lenore always seems to sit next to Nathan.  They must be in love or something.

Judith:  Psh.  Yeah.

Shake:  But he's such a geek.

(Lights flash out)

Yuffie:  Now what?
 
 

Kafan:  Hmm... lights went out.  Sure is getting dark....
 
Lenore:  Damn.  Night time already?  But lunch isn't even over...

Marel:  Crap.  It's going to be hell finding my way home.

(Nathan pounds at the exit)

Nathan:  Forget about getting home.  The exits aren't opening for some reason.

Yuffie:  You mean we're trapped here?  TRAPPED IN SCHOOL?!?!  NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Judith:  Wow!  I bet some crazy murderer will go around stalking us all and slowly killing us one by one and...

Yuffie:  SHADUP!  Who gives a damn?  I don't wanna be stuck in school forever!  I have my stupid omni trial to pass tommorow!
 
 
 

    Gorky glared at the radio in front of him.  He glanced out the window.  The clouds turned into a peculiar black color.... "Must be rain." was the first thought that came to his mind.  He tapped on the radio, and found that it still worked, even though the lights were out.  Well, might as well say something.

Gorky:  Attention!  Attention, students and staff!  We are experiencing a slight problem with our power lines.  Please, do not panic!  We are simply having problems with our electricity.
 
 
 
 

Yuffie:  Well, duh, you fat idiot.

Judith:  If our electricity is out, why is the loudspeaker working?

Nathan:  Frankly, I think only the lights are out.  All of the cafeteria appliances (and my kewl game boy camera) seem to be working fine.
 
 
 

Gorky:  We will be fixing the problem shortly.
 
 
 

Loudspeaker voice:  And NO, school will NOT be ending early due to this.

Yuffie:  Dammit.
 
 
 

Gorky:  Now, anyway.....

(Gorky turns around)
 
 
 

Loudspeaker voice:  AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!  *lots of screams of fear and pain*  SHIT!  GODDAAMMIT!!!  F#$*(@) PIECE OF...

Lenore:  What the...?

Loudspeaker voice:  AGH!!!!  ARGH!!!!  BBBLLLLLAAAAGH!!!!.......  wait, did I just cuss while the loudspeaker was still on?  Oh god damn it.... oops!  DAMN!

(Loudspeaker turns off)

Students:  .........

Yuffie:  Oooooooooooookay.  That was strange.

Judith:  Great.  Just great.  Something very scary is wandering our school.

Marel:  That was interesting.

Lenore:  Come on!

(Lenore motions to Marel and they run out of the lunch room)
 
 

Yuffie:  Principal is dead!  Hooray!  I say we plot a student takeover!

Shake:  Um, no.  You're stupid.

Judith:  I have a better idea.  Why don't we try to save the principal?  It makes great brownie points!

Yuffie:  Yeah, I guess.  Besides, dad wouldn't like it if I let his best friend as well as the representative of the god of power die.  Let's go!

(Yuffie, Shake, and Judith exit out the lunch room door which is on the same side of the school as the principal's office)

Yuffie:  Ok, let's go save Gorky!

(Ugly rotten student zombie corpse shuffles up to Judith)

Ugly rotten student zombie corpse:  Eat brains.....

Judith:  Ugh, yuck!  You ever hear of taking a shower, bub?

URSZC:  Brains......

(Ugly rotten student zombie corpse grabs Judith)

Judith:  EEEEEK!!!!

Shake:  Ha ha ha!  Judith has a boyfriend!  He likes you!

Judith:  I never met this guy in my life!

(Ugly rotten student zombie corpse proceeds to try to eat Judith's brains)

Judith:  EEEEEEEK!

Yuffie:  UGH!! Grossness!  Hicky!

Judith:  SEXUAL HARRASSMENT!

(Judith smacks URSZC's head off before it can eat her brains)

Judith:  BASTARD!

(Judith jumps up and down on the zombie and smashes and bashes it until it is crushed into a puddle of zombie sludge)

Yuffie:  OH MY GAWD!!!  You killed him!

Judith:  Well, he deserved it.

Shake:  Um.... I think he was already dead.

(Shake looks at a bunch of zombies walk by)

Zombies:  Eat brains....

Shake:  Yeep!  Our school has become haunted and the dead are coming back to life!

(The first ugly rotten zombie puddles morphs back into a zombie ala Terminator)

Puddle:  Bleaaaaaaaaah......brain!

Yuffie:  Shit!  That zombie you killed came back to life!

Judith:  Die, evil perverted zombie scum!

(Judith pounds it back into sludge)

(The sludge starts to reform back into a zombie)

Yuffie:  Um, you know, we'd better hurry up and save Gorky.  These things can't seem to be killed.

Shake:  Yeah, I guess the best we can do is temporarily knock them down then run by, huh?

Gorky:  Shut up and save me, dammit!
 
 

(Yuffie, Shake, and Judith pummel a bunch of crazy yucky zombies and run by while they're temporarily down until they reach the principal's office)

(Yuffie kicks down the door)

Yuffie:  Ah ha!  The great heroine of the century is here to save you!

Shake:  Um, I thought the great heroine of the century was Aeris.  She DID after all save the planet with her prayer and sacrificed her life...

Yuffie:  Shaddup!  You can't prove that Aeris' holy or her prayer saved the planet!  The ending to FF7 was too ambiguous!

Tiamat:  Yeah, ambiguously GAY!

Kraken:  Um, that made no sense whatsoever.

Tiamat:  Well, I thought it sounded funny.
 

    Four zombies and a strange girl were guarding the principal while the evil beast that scared him in the first place mocked him.  The evil beast was arguing with the girl.  The evil beast looked remarkably human, although it had pointy ears, two pointy teeth, pale skin complexion, a cape, and had a strange bat like aura around him that....

Yuffie:  It's a vampire, dammit!  We get the point!  No need for a 500 word long description!

    The girl herself radiated a strange blue color.  She had short brown hair, cut in a flat line at the back, and wore a white blouse and a blue skirt.  She just silently listened as the vampire bellowed...

Vampire:  What the heck, man!  You don't look like a normal zombie!  Why, you're not even ugly or rotten or anything!  What went wrong here?

Gorky:  *screams like a girl*

Yuffie:  Who the F@#$#UDGE are you?

Everyday vampire reminiscent of FF1 vampires, Vladimar:  I am the everyday vampire reminiscent of FF1 vampires, Vladimar!  You are a fool to come challenge me!  The undead have risen, thanks to the one who reactivated the doom materia!  Our duty is to eat as many brains as possible, before the materia is deactivated again!

Yuffie:  No way!

Zombies:  Eat brains!

Vladimar:  Yes!  Eat their brains!  EAT EVERYONE'S BRAINS!  Saki, you eat their brains, too!

Young teenage ghost girl in sailor suit, Saki:  Me?  Like all my brain eating brethen here?  Look, they might be having fun and all, but frankly, the thought of eating brains makes me sick.

Zombies:  Brains!

Saki:  Ugh, yucky.  Frankly, I don't know why the hell I'm alive again.  Wow!  Being undead feels REALLY wierd.  I wonder if Nari is still around.

Vladimar:  Why aren't you an ugly brain eating zombie like everyone else?

Saki:  Beats me, but I sure as hell am glad I'm not.

Vladimar:  Oh well.  Whatever.  Just kill these freaks.

Saki:  Um, ok, I guess.

Yuffie:  Zzzzzzz...

Judith:  Yuffie, wake up!

Yuffie:  Huh?  Damn these long talks are annoying.
 

    Four zombies immediately began shambling towards the three intrepid would be heroines.  Ignoring their pleads for brains, Yuffie cut loose with her fire materia (the low leveled one because the rest of avalanche got all the good materia, those greedy bastards) and roasted two of the zombies into a crisp fiery ash.  Saki cried an unholy chant and Yuffie got blasted by a mysterious dark energy.  The two unburned zombies began groping at Judith (again!) so she quickly slammed down a smoke bomb and, in stealth mode, assassinated the two ugly corpses.  By now, the two zombies that Yuffie roasted had come back to life.  Realizing that the battle would never end if they continued to fight the zombies, Yuffie turned all her attention to Saki simply because she looked special and was probably the main enemy in this battle, so Yuffie darted a bunch of shurikans, which cut into the female ghost...er... non-brain eating zomboine.  Angry, Saki raged and charged at Yuffie, using her fearsome flaming jumping uppercut type Kenryu move.  Her uppercut flashed and a dragon spirit flamed from her fist, causing a great deal of pain.  Yuffie frantically healed herself with her Calm Tranquil move, while Judith decided to get away from the perverted zombies and chopped Saki with her katana.  Shake just basically ran around like an idiot jumping up and down on a zombie's head.  The battle raged on for a while, until...

Saki:  Hey!  I didn't come back from the dead only to be killed again!

Vladimar:  Damn, you all suck!  Why can't I get any good competent undead warriors?  Oh well!  As long as the orb of death continues to give us power, you will never defeat us!  AH HA HA HA!!!  You hear that?!  NEVER!!!!  NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER... eh?

(Vladimar dissappears)

Yuffie:  Eh?

Zombie:  BRAINS!

(All the zombies dissappear)

Saki:  Oh fudge.

(Saki dissappears)

(Yuffie, Shake, Judith, and Gorky stare for a while.)

Yuffie:  Oh, by the way, Gorky, you WERE a great help!

Gorky:  Hey!  I did help!  I.... um....  I had to fight the vampire!

Shake:  No you didn't!  He just sat there and stared at the battle like an idiot... like you!

Judith:  So, any idea why all the undead vanished?

(Lights go back on, and the outside stops being so dark)

(Lenore bursts into the room)

Lenore:  Are you guys all right?

Yuffie:  I guess.

Lenore:  Well, I managed to get rid of all those zombie things.

Yuffie:  How?

(Marel walks in dragging Nari, who is holding onto a VERY large white materia)

Lenore:  Nari here seems to have activated this materia which, for some strange reason, made the school get infested by a bunch of undead beasties.

Nari:  It was an accident!  I swear!  I thought this materia was supposed to do something else!

Gorky:  Hmm.... Nari.... why do I seem to remember this girl?

Yuffie:  Well, at least no one got bitten and turned into a crazy flesh eating zombie or anything like that.

Lenore:  Yeah.  So, what do we do with Nari?

Gorky:  Detention!

Nari:  You can't give me detention!  I don't go to school here!

Gorky:  Oh.  Well, we'll just... um... lock her up until we can figure out what to do with her.

Nari:  Huh?

Yuffie:  I wonder how that big white materia works.  Can I have it?

Gorky:  I'll lock that up, too.

Yuffie:  Dammit.
 
 
 

Judith:  Well, school for today is finally over.  Tommorow is Friday!

Yuffie:  Yeah, and my omni trial!  I'd better get home and start practicing!

Shake:  Um, do any of you show any concern about what happened today?

Yuffie:  Why should we?  It's all over, right?  I'm going home.

Shake:  But...

Yuffie:  Ahem!  I'm going home.

Shake:  But...

Yuffie:  HOME!

Shake:  .......
 

(Yuffie's house)

Yuffie:  Whew.  What a tiring day.  I just hope that I don't have any more gay dreams.
 
 

(Sleeping music.  You know.  That crap you always hear whenever you stay at an inn in an RPG)
 
 

(The next day)

(Silence)

Yuffie:  WHAT?

Chekhov:  Yes, that's right.  You're going to school.

Yuffie:  But my trial!

Chekhov:  It's a school day!  You can't skip it, even if you want to attend your trial early.

Yuffie:  But if I wait too long, those damn blood sucking bats that infest Da Chao mountain at late afternoon to evening will be awake, and we all know how annoying those things are!

Chekhov:  Well, too bad.  You have to attend school, or else Lord Godo will be very angry.

Yuffie:  Dad?  Screw him!

Chekhov:  How dare you talk that way about your father!

Yuffie:  Who cares?  He's probably doing nothing but sleeping right now.  He never does anything!

(Godo finally discovers the meaning of life after spending 3 years doing insightful research and working his ass off)

Chekhov (shocked):  I won't hear any more of this!  You'd better be in school today!

(Godo discovers that the meaning of life is to sleep some more)

(Chekhov leaves)

(Shake and Judith run in, Yuffie's theme music starts)

Shake:  What was that?

Judith:  So, what are you going to do?

Yuffie:  I'm going to Da Chao mountain to complete the omni trial!

Shake:  But your dad will get pissed!

Yuffie:  So?  Are you coming?

Shake:  Um.... sure, I guess.

Judith:  Well... It could be interesting.

Shake:  Why do you always do this?  I'm surprised Godo didn't have a heart attack yet.

Yuffie:  Well, dad's pretty heartless.

Judith:  That's a pretty mean thing to say.

Yuffie:  Seriously, I've tried everything.  I thought things would be different after I came home.  I thought he'd finally get out of bed and get back to work at making Wutai great again.

Judith:  Maybe his job is too hard on him.

Shake:  Define great.  What do you want the guy to do?  Conquer the world?

Yuffie:  Not really, but... dammit.  I don't know!  I'll think about it later.  I have to get to Da Chao mountain.

Judith:  Well, we miss a day of school.  Couldn't hurt.

Shake:  Why do we need to acompany Yuffie?  Can't she go by herself?  Isn't more than one person cheating?

Judith:  Come on, they WANT you to cheat!  I passed my test with Nathan's and even Uncle Staniv's help, and you needed... um...

Shake:  I passed that damn test all by myself!

Yuffie:  (Of course you did, you're a  freak)

(Da Chao mountain)

Staniv:  Ah, Yuffie!  Here for your omni trial, eh?

Yuffie:  Um.... yeah...

Staniv:  Ah, and you've brought your friends!

Judith:  Hi, uncle Staniv.

Yuffie:  Yeah.... is that ok?

Staniv:  Well, you're supposed to go alone.  But, sure, go ahead!  I mean, they WANT you to cheat!  Contrary to the official rules, we all passed our trials with someone else giving us a hand.  Why, Chekhov and I helped each other, while Godo passed his omni trial with the help of Marai, and...

Shake:  Yo, we don't want to hear any stupid stories about your long lost youth!  Let us in!

Staniv:  Fine.

(Staniv opens up the rock leading to the cave)

(Yuffie and co. enter)

Yuffie:  Whew!  Good thing Staniv didn't know that I'm supposed to be in school right now.  This trial will be a cinch!

Cute little feminine voice:  Welcome to the omni trial!

Yuffie:  The f***?  That voice sounds like the voice of a sissy.  Shouldn't it be like some sort of huge bellowing voice that strikes fear into my heart?

Sissy voice:  Quiet, you!  Just for that, minus 2 points!

Yuffie:  Damn.

Sissy voice:  Ok, we first need to see if you are worthy of taking this test.

Yuffie:  Why?

Sissy voice:  QUIET, you!  Ahem.  You must first answer three questions!  Answer correctly, and you can proceed onto the trial.

Yuffie:  Well, this shouldn't be too hard.

Sissy voice:  You have unlimited chances to answer each question.  However, each time you answer incorrectly, you will be punished, with each punishment being much more fiendishly clever and excrutiatingly painful than the last, until you DIE!  Ha ha!

Yuffie:  Um...

Sissy voice:  Question One.  Why did the chocobo cross the road?

(Yuffie, Shake, and Judith look at each other)

Yuffie:  Seriously...

Judith:  ......

Shake:  Hmm.  This trial is gayer than my speed trial, even!

Sissy voice:  Well?

Yuffie:  To cross the road!

Sissy voice:  ERNT!!!  WRONG!

(Yuffie gets striked by lightning)

Yuffie:  OUCH!

Sissy voice:  You're next punishment will be even MORE fiendishly clever and excrutiatingly painful then the last!

Yuffie:  Hooray....

Sissy voice:  Question two.  Why did the chocobo fly south for the winter?

Yuffie:  Because it's too far to walk.

Sissy voice:  ERNT!!!  WRONG!
 
(Yuffie gets striked by lightning... 50 megavolts)

Yuffie:  OUCH!  Damn!

Judith:  Gee... that punishment wasn't much more fiendishly clever then the last one at all.  In fact, it was nothing but a bigger version of the first punishment.

Sissy voice:  QUIET, YOU!  Minus 2 points!

Judith:  You can't take points from me!  I already passed my trial!

Shake:  Hmm.

Sissy voice:  Question three.  Who was the Wutai hero of the battle of the Ruby Dessert?

Yuffie:   :)
 
 

(outside the cave)

Staniv:  Dum de dum.  Gee.  I forgot why Chekhov made me guard the cave in the first place.  Oh well.

Voice of Yuffie:  Garrant Kaishack!
 
(A HUGE lightning bolt flashes and a ENORMOUS thunderclap sounds)

Staniv:  GREAT HEAVENLY SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP!  What was that?
 
 
 

Yuffie:  OUCH!!!

Sissy voice:  You know, you really suck.

Yuffie:  $#@()$#&)@%&.....

Sissy voice:  Again!  Why did the chocobo cross the road?

Yuffie:  Because it was too far to walk.

Sissy voice:  Why did the chocobo fly south for the winter?

Yuffie:  To get to the other side.

Sissy voice:  Who was the Wutai hero of the battle of the Ruby Dessert?

Yuffie:  Staniv Wachisnam.

Sissy voice:  All correct.  You may proceed.

(Door appears)

Yuffie:  ......

Judith:  Ooook.  That was wierd.  Maybe I'll become an atheist.  The gods of Wutai have been pretty disappointing, lately.

Yuffie:  Let's go.

(Yuffie turns the door knob and gets ZAPPED.)

Sissy voice:  Ha ha!  Electric doorknob!  Oh that's so funny!

Yuffie:  ..........

Sissy voice:  Now see if you can make your way through the cave of blood sucking bats which infest the mountain during the late afternoon and evening!

(After a series of little puzzles and some easy beasties because all those darn bats were sleeping, Yuffie finally reaches... THE END)

Yuffie:  Well, this is it.  The end.

(Yuffie looks at the pot on the table)

Yuffie:  This can't be it.  Maybe that door behind the table leads somewhere.

Judith:  Nope.  It's a pot.  That's the end.  I dunno why they decided to use a pot to signal the end, but...

Shake:  Now you're supposed to touch the pot or something.

Yuffie:  What's that?

(Yuffie walks up to the door behind the pot)

(a little sprite girl with grean clothes, magic wand, transparent fluttering wings, and blue cap appears)

Sprite:  Hold it right there, Yuffaruni!

Yuffie:  Hey!  You're that sissy voice!

Cheerful fairy like sprite, Fresca:  I'm the servant of the great god Da Chao himself, Fresca!  AND I DO NOT HAVE A SISSY VOICE!

Yuffie:  DIE, BITCH!!!  THIS IS FOR ALWAYS ZAPPING ME WITH LIGHTNING!

(Yuffie punches Fresca down)

Fresca:  Ow, ow!  HEY!  You're not supposed to assault the trial master!  Minus 3 points!

Yuffie:  ...........  Ok, I'm sorry.  So, what's beyond the door?

Fresca:  That's forbidden!  It's just the materia of eternal life, that's all.... oop.  At any rate, you're not allowed there.  Besides, someone stole it a long time ago, so you'll just be wasting your time if you try.  Just touch the pot, and that's it.

Yuffie:  K.

(Yuffie touches the pot)

(Yuffie gets electrocuted)

Fresca:  Ha ha!  Electric pot!  Oh, that's so funny!

(Yuffie punches Fresca again)

Fresca:  OUCH!!!  Do you want me to fail you?

Yuffie:  ............(under her voice) sorry.

Fresca:  Oh well.  That's it.  Tell all your family that you did a good job and deserve a pat on the back.  Bye!

Yuffie:  Wait!  Why wasn't Da Chao here to coronate me himself?

Fresca:  Da Chao?  Oh, he had to go away on business.  You know, Wutai god stuff.  Bye!

(Fresca spirits away)

Yuffie:  Gay.... HEY, is that really it?  Just touch the pot?   Don't I have to fight some big bad boss or something?

Sissy voice of Fresca:  Well, it used to be that a huge monster would attack you here and the walls were on fire... but, well, we had some damn budget cuts.

Judith:  Hmm.  Why would a god need a budget?  Oh well.

(Yuffie, Judith, and Shake leave)

(Fresca reappears)

Fresca:  We never get any more offerings or sacrifices or tides or donations, anymore, of course.  Da-Chao, why did you let Wutai down during the war?

As Yuffie exited the cave....

Yuffie:  Sigh.  Even Da Chao neglects me.

Judith:  Well, don't feel so bad.  Maybe he had something important to do.

Shake:  Like sleep.

Yuffie:  Oh well.  We kicked ass.  I passed, so everything is great!

(Yuffie turns around)

(Yuffie looks up at a really angry Lord Godo)

Godo:  .......

Yuffie:  EEEP!  Um.... hi, dad.
 
 
 
 
(Chekhov is strangling Staniv in the background)

(Godo is angrily bellowing at Yuffie)

Lenore:  Hey, you guys weren't in school today.

Judith:  We had some things to do.

Nathan:  Kafan held a pop quiz today.  You guys all failed it due to unexcused absences.

Judith:  WHAT?  WHAT?  BITCH!

(Judith starts strangling Yuffie)

Godo:  HEY!  Stop that!  I'm still bitching at her!  Wait your turn!

Shake:  LOL

Yuffie:  ...........

Godo:  Yuffie, why do you always do this?  You're always running around, never doing what you should do, always in rebellion, and you just can't seem to behave at all, can you?

Godo:  Dammit!  Why did you have to turn out this way?        Yuffie:  Dammit!  Why did you have to turn out this way?
You are nothing but trouble, you make everyone's life difficult  You are nothing but trouble, you make everyone's life difficult
you get bad grades, you always have to get your way, you       you get bad grades, you always have to get your way, you
never show any consideration for anyone else and blah blah    never show any consideration for anyone else and blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah        because I'm an asshole father who is just a lousy sleeping bum...
 

Godo:  WHAT?

Yuffie:  Nothing.

Godo:  Enough of this crap!  You're grounded!

(Nari sneaks by in the background holding the doom materia)

Yuffie:  You're grounding me?!  Can't you ever do anything else besides that?

Godo:  YOU SHUDDAP NOW!  I don't have to put up with this!

Shake:  Wow.  We seem to be having these talks at least twice a week.

Gorky:  Kind of gets monotonous after a while.

Staniv:  ACK!  Chekhov!  Chekhov!  I can't breathe!  I'm dying!

Chekhov:  THAT'S the point!  Sheesh.

(Chekhov slams Staniv to the floor)

Staniv:  Whooey!  What a trip.

Godo:  Yuffie, go to your room!

Yuffie:  I don't have a room, remember?  You kicked me out of the house and gave me that house at the far corner of Wutai!

Godo:  Well, then go to your house and lock yourself in!

Yuffie:  ..........
 
 
 
 

(town music)

Lenore:  Nathan?  You packed?  We're leaving.

Nathan:  Oh, yeah, sure, I'm coming.  Gimme a sec.  I seem to have lost my batteries to my game boy.  Damn.  How will I survive without my Final Fantasy Adventure game?

Lenore:  ...... whatever.  I'll be waiting for you at the harbor.  Just remember.  This trip is a privileged invitation for you.

(Yuffie runs up to Nathan)

Yuffie:  Hey, where are you guys going?

Nathan:  The Ruby Dessert for some adventuring.

Yuffie:  Cool!  Can I go?  I have to get out of here!  It's driving me nuts!

Nathan:  Um... sure, I guess.

Lenore:  WHAT?

Yuffie:  Thanks!

(Yuffie leaves)

Lenore:  .......

Nathan:  Well?  You saw the fight with her father.  Give her a break.

Lenore:  Fine.  I'll be at the harbor at the southern tip of Wutai.  Come on, Marel.

(Lenore and Marel leave)

(Nathan walks up to Yuffie, who is talking to Shake and Judith)

Nathan:  Well, are you guys leaving?  We have to get to the harbor.

Yuffie:  Wutai has a harbor?

Nathan:  Not really, but Lenore's father has a private ship that'll take us to the main continent.

Shake:  Hooray!  This road trip might be interesting.

Nathan:  I finally found my batteries.  Turns out I left them in my pocket.  Oi.  Well, are we going?

Yuffie:  Yeah.
 

(The four travel along Wutai's crazy system of bridges and mountains to get to the southern tip of the island)
 
 
 

(Generally empty Wutai harbor with a bunch of empty buildings)

Lenore:  There you are.  Why is Judith and Shake here?

Judith:  We want to come along, too!  Maybe I can find some stuff for our  presentation at the Gold Saucer.  It was, after all, a Shinra building.

Shake:  Golden Saucer is cool!  Great amusement park!

Lenore:  Man.

(Nari sneaks onto the ship with the doom materia)

Marel:  Forget it, Lenore.  Just let them come along.

Lenore:  Fine, whatever.

(Lenore walks up to the ship master and starts talking to him)

Yuffie:  Is there a shop around here??  Dammit!  I forgot to pack some tranquilizers!

Nathan:  Why do you need those?

Shake:  Yuffie gets seasick easily, so she needs some medicine.

Yuffie:  Ah!  Here's a shop!

(Yuffie enters a building along with Shake and Nathan)

Sleeping store owner:  ZZZZZZZ....

Yuffie:  Heeellloooo?

Store owner:  Huh?  What the hell?  OH!  Customers!  Welcome!

Nathan:  How do you maintain a shop in this empty place?

Store owner:  Gee, I dunno.  It wasn't always empty.  This used to be Wutai's primary trade city and harbor, but now it's... well... just a bunch of empty buildings and my shop.  So, what can get for you and your wife?

Yuffie:  Wife?

Store owner:  Does your daughter want anything?

Shake:  Yo, stupid ass, I'm not their daughter, and they're not married!

Store owner:  oops

Yuffie:  I need some tranquilizers.

Store Owner:  Sorry.  We don't have those.  The only thing we sell here is rotten fish.

Yuffie:  DAMMIT.

Store Owner:  If you want some tranquilizers, I hear that they are stocked in that warehouse over there, but that warehouse...

Yuffie:  Let me guess.  Is infested with monsters.

Store Owner:  Correct!
 
 
 

Judith:  You're going through an infested warehouse just to get tranquilizers?  That has got to be the STUPIDEST sub quest in a RPG ever!

Yuffie:  I don't give a damn!  I am NOT going on a ship ride without tranquilizers!

Judith:  Sigh, whatever.

Nathan:  I guess Lenore will have to wait.

(Yuffie, Shake, Nathan, and Judith enter the abandoned warehouse)

Yuffie:  Gee, I bet the tranquilizers are all packed at the end for no reason.

Judith:  Yeah, almost as if some guy WANTS us to fight through the entire warehouse of monsters.  Oh well.

(Yuffie and co. bumrush their way through the monsters to that "special looking chest" at the end)

Yuffie:  I got it!  I got the tranquilers!

(Yuffie opens the chest and a huge hairy monster with large teeth pops out and eats her)
 
 
 

Judith:  K, that was pointless.  But at least we got your tranquilizers.

Nathan:  Wow.  Pointless non storyline related boss monsters are everywhere nowadays, huh?  Even in chests.

Yuffie:  ...........

Lenore:  WHERE WERE YOU?  This is really getting annoying.  It's almost dark!

Judith:  Calm down.  We're ready now.  Let's go.

Shake:  This is all Yuffie's fault.

Yuffie:  SHADDUP.
 
 

(on the ship deck)

(Yuffie is keeling over)

Yuffie:  I hate ships.  I hate ships.  I hate ships.

Lenore:  Gee, poor Yuffie always gets seasick like that.

Yuffie:  Damn, these taste awful.  They really have got to come up with "cherry flavored" tranquilizers or something.  I hate ships.

Lenore:  Well, looks like it's night time now.  We all should be getting some sleep.

Shake:  Good night!

Judith:  Yeah.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

    It was a beautiful star lit night.  The sound of the waves caressingly rocked the ship, and the call of seagulls rang throughout the air.  Lenore leaned on the rail of deck and stared up at the night sky, as she felt the wind of the sea blow.  Just then, Yuffie stumbled onto deck.  The sea sickness was really getting to her, so sleep wasn't a very viable option.

Yuffie: Dammit.  I REALLY hate ships.

(Yuffie stumbles over to the rail)

Lenore:  Ah, Yuffie, look at that.

(Lenore continues to look at the sky, although Yuffie has her head turned down towards the sea)

Lenore:  Isn't it beautiful?  Sometimes, people never take the time to appreciate all the beauty in the world.  They are always preoccupied with other things.  Like their life, jobs, and saving the world from crazy psycho villains.  But it's nice to finally sit back and enjoy the view every once in a while, isn't it?

(Yuffie is too preoccupied to pay attention)

Lenore:  .....Sigh.  This would be the perfect night to spend with a loved one, I would think.  Two people who feel strongly for each other, just enjoying the beauty of everything together.  What do you think?

(Yuffie turns her head and looks at Lenore.  There is a sick look on Yuffie's face)

Yuffie:  (sickly)  Huh?

Lenore:  I wonder when I'll finally meet the one who was meant for me.  A night like this would be perfect.

(Yuffie leans over the rail again)

Yuffie:  URK.

Lenore:  I bet that it's wonderful moments like this that show you who you truly care for, and who truly cares for you.  Romantic, huh?

(Yuffie catches her bearings, and finally isn't sick anymore.  She glares at Lenore)

Yuffie:  What did you say?

Lenore:  Oh, nothing.  Just me ranting.

(Yuffie looks up at the sky)

Yuffie:  I remember the perfect night.  The night time air was as crisp and fresh as this, and the sky was just as beautiful, if not more so.  It WAS the perfect night.  There were fireworks and bright lights, too.  I decided that it'd be the perfect night to finally let Cloud know how I felt about him, so I asked him out on a date.  It was at the Golden Saucer, where we had fun enjoying the festivities and took participation in a play together.  Yet I always had the feeling that he wasn't taking me seriously at all.  The night ended with a ride on the gondola.  That night... was probably the greatest night in my life... if only if it actually meant something though.  It never led to anything.  Nothing, at all.

Lenore:  Whoa.  Long story there.  Hmm.  You really liked Cloud a lot, right?

Yuffie:  Huh?  Well, it doesn't matter.  I'm over it now.  So everything is ok.

Lenore:  Fine.

Yuffie:  Man, I hate ships.

(Yuffie starts going to her room, and finds Marel standing there listening)

Marel:  Yuffie, just so you know, be careful when listening to Lenore's rants about romance and all that.

Yuffie:  Huh?

Marel:  She has a tendency to over do things.  Oh well.  Good night.

(Marel leaves)

(Yuffie looks in the direction of Wutai)

Yuffie:  So long, Wutai.  I'll be back, soon!