Patricia (who is quite drunk from last night at the Gold Saucer):  Nine thousand nine hundred and fifty four bottles of bear on the wall, nine thousand nine hundred and fifty four bottles of bear....

(Yuffie lifts her head)

Yuffie:  Hey, how did you get that new game?  I thought we were back in time!

Nathan:  I ordered it by mail.

Yuffie:  Oh.

(Yuffie puts her head back down)

Yuffie:  Hey, wait a minute...

Patricia:  *hic*

(Kesley walks in)

Kesley:  ........  Where is Akira?

Patricia:  Yeouch!

(Patricia falls down with her back against Akira's desk)

(Kesley looks at Patricia)

Kesley:  You ALWAYS do this!  Every lousy week, you, Sephiroth, and even Franchesca always drink too much!

Patricia (drunkenly):  Why?  I teach better when I'm drunk!  Woah..... why does everything look so freaky right now?  Oh well!  Your EVIL EVIL slander won't hurt me!  I'm drunk ludicrously to the point of stupidity and I DON'T CARE!

Kesley:  What the heck are you talking about?!?

Patricia:  Talking about what?  I was talking about something?

Kesley:  Never mind!  What if a Shinra inspector comes in and finds out that no one is learning about math?

Patricia:  Phooey to him.  *hic*

Kesley:  And where the heck is all of Psychic Thunder?!?  They all disappeared!

Patricia:  Well, right before I blacked out last night and entered the wonderful land of bedtime, I think Akira told me something thrifty.

Kesley:  What did she say?

Patricia:  Drexler made some prediction last night, so they all ran off.  Something about finding immortality or whatnot.

Kesley:  Ack!  Brand's still working on that STUPID project?

Patricia:  Beats me.  *hic*

Nathan:  HA HA!  I just realized that she was singing about bottles of BEAR on the wall, not bear!

(Patricia and Kesley glance at Nathan for a second)

Kesley:  Anyway, at least it looks like Nari's team got some extra sleep for the battle with Psychic Thunder today.  Too bad Psychic Thunder IS GONE!

Patricia (drunkenly):  Yup!

Kesley:  And why the hell are you STILL drunk?  Shouldn't you be having an extremely bad hangover right now?

Patricia:  Hangover?  No way!  HA HA!  I'm INVISIBLE!

Kesley:  First of all, it's invincible, not invisible.  And I don't want you talking like Brand, either.  One is enough!

(Tseng walks up to Kesley)

Tseng:  Kesley, Hojo is here to see you.

Kesley:  Dammit.  Here we go, again.

(Kesley and Tseng leave)

Patricia:  Ack!  Next week, I won't drink so much!  Wait.... that's what I said, last week.  Oh well.
 
 

Judith:  Hey, wake up!

Yuffie:  What?

Judith:  Did you see that?  Maybe they'll be talking about the upcoming WAR!

Yuffie:  Why would Hojo and a school principle talk about war?

Judith:  Well, I'm going to find out.  And if you want credit for helping me in this project, you'd better come, too!

Yuffie:  Hmph!  You act like this is YOUR project.

Shake:  It probably is.  Every year, Judith does all the work with these projects.  Well, with a little help from yours truly, of course.

Yuffie:  ........

Judith:  Come on, get up!

(Judith leaves the class room)

Yuffie:  Besides, isn't traveling back in time kind of, um.... cheating?

(Yuffie gets up and leaves the classroom, with Shake following her)
 
 
 
 

(Yuffie looks over the large barren field, with a lone helicopter landing pad)

Yuffie:  And we're here because....?

(A helicopter flies onto the screen)

(The helicopter hovers over the pad)

(The helicopter slowly starts to land)

(The helicopter spirals out of control and crashes into Tseng)

(Hojo, who is coughing from all of the smoke, comes out of the helicopter.  He is followed by Rude, a dark skinned turk with a rather large afro)

Everyone's favorite freak besides Kefka, Hojo:  ARGH!  You idiot!  Where did you learn to drive?!?

Street smart, fast talking, SLAM DANCING.... Rude:  Actually, I never did.  It's just that Tseng was here at the academy, so I had to take over as the helicopter pilot.

Hojo:  Idiots!

Kesley:  Um.... are you alright, Tseng?

Tseng (from under the helicopter):  Take a guess.

Hojo:  This terrible service is appalling!  What was the president thinking when he hired you?!?

Tseng (from under his breath):  Well, at least I don't have eleven toes, you damn freak.

Hojo:  Are you mumbling something?!?

Tseng:  Yes I am, you idiot, SIR!

Hojo:  Oh.  Okay.  Anyway, Kesley, I came to check up on my wonderful so....

(Kesley quickly covers Hojo's mouth)

Kesley:  Shh!  Don't say it, HERE!

(Kesley removes her hand, which is covered with drool)

Kesley:  !!!

(Kesley glares at her hand)

Kesley:  Excuse me, I have to go wash up, NOW!

(Tseng hands her a napkin)

Kesley:  Um... thanks.

(The napkin dissolves when it touches Kesley's drool covered hand)

Kesley:  ......... I don't even want to know why it did that..........

Hojo:  Anyway, how is he doing?  I bet he's your top student!

Kesley:  Nope.

Hojo:  WHAT?!?

Kesley:  He's ONE of my top students, but not the best.  That honor would probably belong to Franchesca.

Hojo:  Impossible!  No one could be better than my so....

(Kesley is about to cover Hojo's mouth again, but then decides not to)

Hojo: ...n!  He's all powerful!  Nothing can beat the power of my science!

Kesley:  Well he's not!  Deal with it!

Hojo:  You fool!  Nothing surpasses my power!  Sep....

(Kesley decides to slap Hojo instead of covering his mouth, this time)

Hojo:  OUCH!

Kesley:  You're the fool!  Don't mention about this in public!

(Kesley looks at Judith, Yuffie, and Shake)

Kesley:  Shouldn't you be learning.... er.... sleeping right now?

Yuffie:  (Hey, this is pretty funny.  Too bad she doesn't realize that I already know that Sephiroth is Hojo's son)

Hojo:  Grr!  I'll prove to you that your stupid theory of "destined heroes" is nothing compared to my "reunion" theory!  Call them over here!

Kesley:  Um... none of my best students are really in any condition to fight, and we did this last week.

Hojo:  That was a fluke!

Kesley:  Sigh.  Tseng, bring me Franchesca.  Rude, go get Sephiroth.

(Rude leaves)

Tseng:  Um... Franchesca's preparing for the Wutai trip.  It'll be difficult to find her.

Kesley:  Dammit.  What really is annoying is that once Franchesca beats Sephiroth, Hojo will say that it's another fluke and he'll be back next week!

Tseng:  Why don't you just give Hojo what he wants?  Let Sephiroth win or something.

Kesley:  Let him win?  But... how?

(Kesley looks at Yuffie, Judith, and Shake)

Kesley:  Hey, any of you want to volunteer to have a practice match with the second greatest student of the academy?

(Judith and Shake step backwards)

Yuffie:  Um.....

Kesley:  Hey, thanks for coming up and volunteering!

(Kesley pushes Yuffie up to Hojo)

Kesley (with terrible acting):  Okay, Hojo.  I'll show that Sephiroth is soooo bad, that even a not-so-top-notch student can beat him.

Hojo:  HA!  Sephiroth can beat ANYTHING!  I saw to that, myself!

(Rude drags Sephiroth back)

Sephiroth:  A fight?  A FIGHT?  I just got done throwing up!  I'm not ready for a fight!  I'm still going through the worst hangover of my life!

Kesley:  You went through the worst hangover of your life last week, remember?  Don't worry!  You're part of the number one team!

Sephiroth:  This is soooo stupid.  I shouldn't have to put up with this!

Kesley:  Too bad!  Sephiroth, you'll be fighting Yuffie, today.  Let's get this over with, fast, ok?

Yuffie:  Hey!  What makes you think that he'll win?

Kesley:  Just call it intuition.  Sigh.  These stupid weekly battles are dumb. Why must Hojo live in his little world?  I've got work to do!

Shake:  Go, Sephiroth!  You can do it!

Yuffie:  Shut up!

(Patricia stumbles over)

Patricia:  Hey... what's going on?

Judith:  Yuffie and Sephiroth are being forced to fight each other.

Patricia:  What?  Sephy isn't in any condition to fight!

Hojo:  Yes he is!  He'd better be!  He's supposed to ALWAYS be in a condition to fight!

Patricia:  Poor Sephy.  He shouldn't have to take this.

Tseng:  Well, um..... what are you waiting for?  Begin!

(Start goofy Chrono Trigger Spekio music)

Sephiroth:  Ack!  Damn, my head hurts!

That funky RPG voice that says what attack someone is using:  Drunken sword shock!

(Sephiroth raises his sword, and a bunch of beer bubbles spin around him and smack into Yuffie)

Sephiroth:  Hmm.... worse than I thought.  What the hell was that?

(Yuffie darts her shurikan at Sephiroth)

(Sephiroth and Yuffie stand there for a while waiting for their agility bars to fill)

(Sephiroth and Yuffie continue standing there)

(Yuffie twiddles her thumbs)

(Yuffie and Sephiroth get impatient looks on their faces)

(Yuffie starts tapping her foot)

Yuffie:  OK!  Who's the ass who turned the battle speed down to it's slowest?

Tiamat:  Sorry.

(Tiamat turns the battle speed up to it's fastest)

(YuffiedartsanothershurikanatSephiroth.SephirothslashesYuffie.YuffieusesGreaseLightningonSephiroth.ThatFunkyRPGVoice:  DrunkenSwordShock!SephirothraiseshisswordandYuffiegetshitbymorestupidbeerbubbles.YuffieblowsSephirothawaywithher
bloodfestcombo)

(Sephiroth pukes)

Sephiroth:  DAMMIT, you twit!  I just got up after a night of drinking!  I can't take this!  Now set the damn speed back to normal before I lop off all of your four worthless lousy heads!

Tiamat:  Sheesh!

(Tiamat sets the battle speed back up to normal)

Sephiroth:  Hey.... I think I'm better, now!

RPG voice:  Masamune

(Sephiroth dashes up to Yuffie, holds up his sword, and Yuffie is blasted by a bunch of wierd looking sword spirits.  Masamune does ludicrous damage, so much that Yuffie is supposed to be defeated in one hit)

Yuffie:  Wait a minute!  You mean I'm SUPPOSED to lose to a drunken bastard like Sephiroth?

Hojo:  Bastard?  HEY!  For your information, I WAS married!

Tiamat:  Um, yeah, you're supposed to lose.

Yuffie:  Screw this!

(Yuffie punches Sephiroth to the ground)

Yuffie:  This battle is stupid!  I'm leaving!

Hojo:  AAAAAAAAAAH!  Sephiroth LOST!  TO A LOUSY ANOREXIC NEWBIE STUDENT, TO BOOT!

Yuffie:  Lousy anorexic..... HEY!

Sephiroth:  Ouch!  Um... I don't think I lost yet, but can we stop this, now?  Why do I always have to do this, anyway?

Patricia:  Yeah!  We're tired of being forced to fight!  Why do we always have to do this, day after day?

Kesley:  Because when you're a part of Shinra's elite forces, you have to practice!  Now quit whining!  I'm not in the mood for this.

Patricia:  This whole thing is so stupid.   Why did my parents have to sign me up for this?

Kesley:  Because you're gifted, and we want to make sure you reach your full potential.

Hojo:  Psh!  Gifted or not, MY project can beat them all down!

Kesley:   Whatever.  He still lost.

Hojo:  No he didn't!  Sephiroth would never lose to an anorexic twig!  I bet he was just being nice because he pitied her.  That was...

Kesley:  Just a fluke.  I know, I know!  Get out of my face!

Yuffie:  I AM NOT AN ANOREXIC TWIG!

Shake:  Yes you are!

(Yuffie pounds Shake)

(Hojo jumps on the burning ruined helicopter, which flies away)

Rude:  HEY!  Gee... I wonder if I should tell him that I'm not driving that thing.

Tseng:  If you're not driving it, then who is?

(The helicopter crashes and explodes in the distance)

Kesley:  Damn, he gets on my nerves!

(Nari runs up to Kesley, with Carnie following her)

Nari:  Um... mom?  isn't our battle with Team Psychic supposed to be today?

Kesley:  Sorry, it's cancelled.  I guess your team doesn't have much to do, now.  Here, take these.  They're tickets for the Wutai trip, and these are some tickets for the Gold Saucer.  I suppose you'll need something to keep you and the rest of Black Shadow occupied.

Nari:  Wow!  Hey, thanks!

Patricia:  *cough* nepotism *cough*

Yuffie:  Hmm.  Nari has black hair but Kesley is blonde?!?  And she doesn't look very Wutaian.

Carnie:  Adopted.  Kafan brought Nari here a long time ago.  They were running from Wutai for some reason.

Yuffie:  Oh.

Judith:  Hey!  That's a Wutai trip ticket!  Can I have it?  I couldn't get one because they were all out.

Yuffie:  NO!

Judith:  Why not?!?

Yuffie:  Because I said so!

Judith:  .........

Nari:  Shouldn't you should give one of these tickets to Lenore?

(Nari and Carnie leave)

Shake:  Drat!  I want to go on the Wutai trip, too!

Yuffie:  This will be pretty nice!  I get to go somewhere, without Shake and Judith to bug me!  Hmm... where the heck is Lenore, anyway?  I'd better find her.

(Yuffie leaves to give Lenore a ticket)

Judith (grinning):  Ha ha ha....

Shake:  What are you so happy about?
 
 
 

(The front gate.  A bunch of students are lined up ready to get on the buses when Yuffie arrives.  Franchesca is giving a speech)

Yuffie:  Hmm.... maybe Lenore is here?

Franchesca:  Soon, we will embark to what was once my home country.  Wutai should be preparing for the great annual Da-Chao festival right now, so I must ask all of you to please respect their customs.  Here are some things to note.  First of all....

Yuffie:  A festival?  Da-Chao festival?  Hey!  We never held any Da-Chao festivals in my life!

Franchesca:  Don't call anyone ANY cutdown, unless you enjoy being challenged to a dual to the death.

Yuffie:  And we never have any dualing, either...

Franchesca:  If some guy approaches you asking if you want anyone to be assassinated, ignore him.  Don't say "No."  Just ignore him.  If you say "No," it's like you're refusing his services and he'll try to assassinate YOU.  So remember, don't reject anyone, unless you enjoy being challenged to a dual to the death.

Yuffie:  This just keeps getting weirder and weirder.

Franchesca:  And finally, most important of all, NEVER stare at anyone in the eye, unless you enjoy being challenged to a dual to the death.

Yuffie:  Hmm?

Franchesca:  And you might want to read this book, "How to win in a dual to the death."  And that's it.  Have a great time!  If you need anything, get it now!  You still have fiive hours.

(Franchesca boards on of the buses)

(All of the students start boarding the buses)

(Nari walks up to Yuffie)

Nari:  Um, shouldn't you give Lenore her ticket?  It's only fair.

Yuffie:  Ack!  I have to find her, before the bus leaves!

Nari:  She went back to the Gold Saucer.

Yuffie:  All the way back THERE?  Dammit!

(Yuffie blitzs out of the front gate)

(Using her fabulous ninja skills, Yuffie crashes into many students until she finally reaches the Gold Saucer)

Yuffie:  Good thing I don't have to take the Corel Rail Cart in order to get here while I'm in this time zone.

(Yuffie enters)

(Happy gold saucer music!)

Yuffie:  Now to find Lenore...

(Lenore walks by in the background, as Yuffie jumps into one of the transportation circles)

(Marel and Kiryou are talking in the middle of the main Square, as lots of people are walking around doing stuff in the background)

Lenore:  Hey!  Marel, Kiryou, could I ask you a favor?

Marel:  Um, sure, what is it?

Lenore:  Well, while we're all taking a break here, I might as well inform you about my little... um... side quest.

Marel:  Side quest?

Kiryou:  We're not taking a break.  We just had to come back here, because Midgar became dangerous.

Lenore:  Really?

Kiryou:  Well, Michael kinda told us that Genmari was there, but it turned out that there was nothing but some evil army that called themselves, "Lunaria."

Lenore:  What?  Why would he do that?

Kiryou:  Beats me.

Lenore:  Well, Vivian tried to get me killed.  She trapped me with some other Lunaria guys, too!

Marel:  That airhead?  It was probably an accident.  Vivian never does anything right.

Kiryou:  Agreed.  She probably just screwed up, AGAIN.

Lenore:  I highly doubt it was an accident.

Kiryou:  Dammit.  Midgar is infested with those Lunaria guys.  Where did they come from?

Lenore:  Can't you find out why Vivian and Michael are with Genmari?  Read their minds or something.

Kiryou:  Nope.  They must have a more powerful psychic.  They're always blocked off.

Lenore:   But I thought you were the only psychic in our school.  Oh never mind.  Hey, you see that lady over there?

Marel:  Oh, the plastic woman.

Kiryou:  Her?

Lenore:  Yeah, that's Tifa.  The great heroine of the meteor incident.  I'm trying to help Yuffie get Cloud for her boyfriend.

Kiryou:  Huh?  I heard that Cloud already married Tifa.

Lenore:  Um... yeah.

Kiryou:  You do realize that the only way Yuffie could succeed was for Tifa to either die or divorce.

Lenore:  ......

Marel:  This seems so... villainous.

Lenore:  Oh never mind.

(Lenore leaves)

Marel:  Hmm.  That's a stupid side quest.

Kiryou:  Bah.  I bet Yuffie doesn't really LOVE Cloud.  She's still in that "age."

Marel:  What do you mean?

Kiryou:   At around age fifteen all the way down to possibly age twenty five, people tend to be more controlled by hormones than by love.

Marel:  I can't believe you said that!

Kiryou:  Ha ha ha!  I bet it's the same for you and Tenko!  Maybe for Lenore and Jared.

Marel:  No way!  You're lying!

Kiryou:  Am I?

Marel:  Stop that!  That's... not true... is it?  Did you read my mind to find out?

Kiryou:  Well... actually, for you, it's more infatuation and worship than anything else.

Marel:  Infatuation and worship?!?

Kiryou:  I guess Lenore probably really did like Main.  But now she's convinced herself that Tenko and her are the perfect couple.  It's that darn rebound effect.  But Yuffie and Cloud?  I doubt there's any true love there.  The fact that lots of women "fell in love" with Cloud just shows that Yuffie probably likes him only because he's some sort of wierd chick magnet.

Marel:  Stop talking like that!

Kiryou:  Hey, there he is, now!

(Marel and Kiryou look at Cloud in the distance)

Marel:  HEY!  Spiky haired freak!  Over here!

Kiryou:  HEY!  What's wrong with having spiky hair?!?

Marel:  Oops.  Sorry, Kiryou.

(Cloud walks over)

Cloud:  Um... do I know you?

Marel:  You seem to be looking for someone.

Cloud:  Yeah... you wouldn't have happened to see a lady named Tifa, have you?

Marel:  Any qualities that make her stand out?

Cloud:  Well.... she has beautiful eyes.

Marel:  No, you twit!  I mean, qualities that REALLY make her stand out!

Cloud:  She has a great personality.

Marel:  No, I mean a quality that really REALLY makes her stand out!  Something that any GUY over the age of ten would notice!

Cloud:  Oh!  She's an excellent fighter!

Marel:  ARGH!

Kiryou:  Never mind.  She went that way.

(Kiryou points in the OPPOSITE direction of where Tifa was)

Cloud:  Hey, thanks!

(Cloud leaves)

Marel:  How dense can a guy be?

DaCha:  MY WONDERFUL NEPHEW!

(DaCha bulldozes over Cloud)

DaCha (screaming VERY loudly at Cloud with a VERY big mouth):  HEY!  HOW'S IT GOING??

Cloud:  AAAAAAAAAAAH!  LEAVE ME ALONE!

(Cloud runs away with DaCha chasing after him)

DaCha:  BUT I WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH MY WONDERFUL NEPHEW-IN-LAW!

(Fresca runs by)

Kiryou:  Hey.... that was pretty fun!  Let's ruin more relationships someday!

Marel:  Huh?

Yuffie:  Hey, Marel!  Hey... um...

Marel:  It's Kiryou.

Yuffie:  Yeah, whatever.  See Lenore?

(Lenore comes back)

Lenore:  Why is that fat guy always chasing those two?

Yuffie:  Lenore!  I got Wutai trip tickets, if you want to come!

Lenore:  Really?  But... why would I want to go there again?

Kiryou:  Maybe you should, since we don't seem to be picking up any leads here.

Lenore:  Um... fine then, I guess....

Yuffie:  Well, I did my duty and gave you your stupid ticket, so now I have to catch that bus.

(A chocobo runs up to Kiryou)

Kiryou:  Chaco!  What are you doing back here?  Get back to the stables!

Chaco:  Wark......

Marel:  Hmm.  I think it wants to participate in the mini-choco racing tournament.

Kiryou:  Oh yea!  I promised, didn't I?

Yuffie:  Chaco?

Lenore:  Chaco is Kiryou's pet chocobo.  I guess she took it back in time with her... kinda strange, though, seeing as to how Chaco was all the way back at Kiryou's house at Midgar when we got sucked into that time vortex at the Gold Saucer...

Marel:  Must be some sort of owner-pet bond thing or something...

Kiryou:  Chaco, I'm sorry!  I'm really busy right now.  I can't enter you into the race.

Chaco:  Coo......

Lenore:  Don't look at me.  I don't know anything about chocobo racing.  Why don't you try Yuffie?  Let Chaco get to know her or something.

Yuffie:  Riding chocobos really fast makes me nauseous!

Lenore:  Come on!  It'll be fun.

Yuffie:  No thanks.

Kiryou:  What harm could it do?

Yuffie:  No thanks.

Kiryou:  Are you sure?

Yuffie:  No thanks.

Lenore:  Come on!  It'll be fun.

Yuffie:  No thanks.

Kiryou:  What harm could it do?

Yuffie:  No thanks.

Kiryou:  Are you sure?

Yuffie:  No thanks.

Kiryou:  Come on!  It'll be fun.

Yuffie:  Fine, I'll do it.

Kiryou:  Great!  Here, you can take this medal.  Chaco identifies friends by it.

Yuffie:  Hmm.... why do I feel that I've just been forced into something?
 
 
 
 

(Yuffie rides Chaco into the racing lounge)

(Yuffie jumps off)

Yuffie:  Hmm?

(Vivian slams into Yuffie)

Vivian:  Hey, watch where you're going!  I don't have time for crashing into people who are just totally spaced out!

Yuffie:  You were the one moving, not me!

(Vivian runs up to Genmari.   Genmari is looking at Akira, who's talking with Brand.)

Vivian:  Oh wow!  You're in love, aren't you?

(Genmari glares at Vivian)

Genmari:  She's my MOTHER, you idiot!

(Vivian looks REALLY embarassed)

Genmari:  I'd just like to see her again.

Vivian:  Whatever.

(Genmari turns to look at Akira again while Vivian runs up to Michael and Niel)

Dark skinned teen with goofy hat, Michael:  I can't believe you!

Uptight somewhat stuckup rich kid, Niel:  I have to agree with Michael for once.

Genmari:  ......

Michael:  Man!  What's up with you?  Why do we have to do this?

Vivian:  Well, I'm going to have some fun here, whether you like it or not!  I don't have to listen to you!

(A chocobo runs up to Vivian and she leads it to the stables)

Niel:  Leave her.  We have better things to do.  That idiot Lars is taking too long to bring together the light warriors.

Michael:  This is whacked, man.  How long is he going to take?

Niel:  Well, according to the records, he should have found five by now, unless SOMEONE got in the way...

Michael:  You think Tenko stopped him?

Niel:  Negative.  I checked on Lars.  Everything seems to be doing fine, BUT he seems to have recruited SEVEN instead of five, so far....

Michael:  Seven?  Where the hell did the other two come from?

Niel:  Tenko must have interfered.  I'm positive, because Lars recruited LENORE!

Michael:  Whoa!  This just keeps getting wierder and wierder.  Did she join?

Niel:  Well, as far as I know, anyone who Lars tries to recruit joins whether they want to or not, so she must have...

Michael:  Oooooook, so now when we get the eight light warriors, they'll include some one else who wasn't supposed to be one of them and Lenore?

Niel:  Yes, it's nice to see that you're actually using that brain for once.

Michael:  Hey, man!  You dissin me?  Well, at least I have a life!

Genmari:  Stop fighting, you two!  If I knew that all of you would be so irritating, I wouldn't have let you tag along.  My father is going to Wutai to pick up the remaining two.  Niel, you'll go with Vivian and make sure nothing goes wrong.  I'll stay back here with Michael and deal with Tenko.  He's no match for me.

Michael:  Just make sure you don't kill anyone, man.  What was Vivian thinking when she tried to get those guys to take out Lenore?  It all seems so stupid to me.

Niel:  Stupid is as stupid does.

(Niel leaves)

Michael:  Whatever, man.

(Michael looks at Genmari)

Michael:  That new spell that you got really kicks ass.

Genmari:  It was her final gift.  But now I'll show everyone my power.

Michael:   Don't overdo it.

(Michael and Genmari leave)

Yuffie:  Cool!  I know more than Lenore does and this isn't even MY adventure.  Guess I should go and tell her...

(Chaco tugs at Yuffie)

Chaco:  Wark?

Yuffie:  Ack!  Dumb bird.  Fine, I'll do the stupid race, first.

(Yuffie heads to the stables)

Patricia:  Hey!  It's a lowly newbie!

Yuffie:  Um.... you know me, remember?

Patricia:  No!  That was Patricia, awesome fighter and beautiful member of the number one team Lifestream, that knew you!  But here, I'm Patricia, the glorious master and drunken chocobo racing champion!  So, feeling lucky, newbie?

Yuffie:  Luck has nothing to do with it.

(Yuffie looks at Chaco)

Yuffie:  Are you any good?  These stupid races depend more on the chocobo's stats than the racing skill of the driver.

Chaco:  Wark!

Patricia:  No they don't!  Although the way Dio wants to change things, they probably will.

Yuffie:  Huh?

Patricia:  Ahem.  I guess I'll have to go over the rules with you, newbie!  Basically, you try to reach the finish line first.

Yuffie:  DUH!

Patricia:  You press square to accelerate, circle to dash, and x to slow down, but you have to be careful of stamina or...

Yuffie:  I ALREADY KNOW THIS!

Patricia:  Did your homework, eh?  Well, do you know about items?

Yuffie:  Items?  I thought we were just racing on straight courses with beautiful scenery.

Patricia:  Psh!  You need to pay attention!  There are item boxes on the race.  These item boxes give you cool gizmos that you can use to give you speed boosts, recover stamina, shoot the other chocobos with green eggs and heat-seeking red eggs (or even a spiny egg that goes after whoever's in first place), and stuff like that!  And the farther behind you are, the better item you get when you pick up an item box!

Yuffie:  Um... sounds complicated.  Anything else I should know?

Patricia:  Well, when you're far ahead, your opponents seem to magically become better and faster and you can never seem to stay far ahead for long.

Toad:  I'm the best!

Yuffie:  Um... isn't that cheap?

Patricia:  Of course!  But it's more fun that way, if it's a close race!  Here at the chocobo races, we race for fun, not to win.

Yuffie:  Oh.  Well... I guess that makes sense.  Hmm... I guess that means there aren't any prizes for winning.

Patricia:  But abilities of the rider affect the race alot too, as you have to dodge obstacles and make sharp turns.

Yuffie:  What?  This seems a lot more difficult than the chocobo races I knew.

Patricia:  Well, I guess that's it.  I'll see you at the first course.

Yuffie:  Short or long?

Patricia:  Huh?  Actually, we get to choose from a variety of courses.

Yuffie:  I already like this chocobo racing style alot more than that simplistic crap back in my own time!

Patricia:  Well, I don't really understand what you just said, but that's the spirit!
 
 
 
 

(Everyone is riding their chocobo in the  nice GRASS FARM course)

(Yuffie looks at her opponents)

Toad:  I'm the best!

Jack:  Hi there!

Jill:  Sup?

Zircon the Destroyer:  Hello.

Yuffie:  Um....... hi?

(Patricia and Vivian ride over)

(Patricia smiles)

Vivian:  Whoa!  Like, deja vu or some junk.... I'm almost sure I've seen you before...

Yuffie:  Who, me?  Ulp...  you crashed into me back there.

Vivian:  No, that was your fault!  But you look incredibly familiar from somewhere.  Never mind.

(Magical letters appear at the center of the screen saying "Ready")

(Magical letters say "Go!")

Yuffie:  EEEEEEK!

(Chaco blasts off like a screaming rocket)

Chaco:  WAAAAAAAAARK!

(Yuffie slams through an item box)

Yuffie:  Hooray.  I got a banana.  Joy.  I'm victorious, now.

(Yuffie throws the banana behind her)

Yuffie:  Damn, items in first place suck.

(Patricia dashes by Yuffie)

(Yuffie slams into a cow)

Yuffie:  What the hell?!?

(A bunch of pigs fly by and start crashing down on everyone)

Yuffie:  AAAAAH!  Evil flying pigs!

Patricia:  Man, who's the idiot who chose THIS course?  I hate this course!  It's soooo stupid!

(A BIG wheel of cheese comes rolling down a hill and flattens Yuffie)

Yuffie:  ACK!  DAMMIT!  I'm in last!  And I'm REALLY far behind, too!

(Yuffie grabs another item box and gets a box with a button and lightning symbol on it)

Yuffie:  What's this?

(Yuffie presses the button and all her opponents explode)

Yuffie:  Um........

Patricia:  AAAAAH!  I hate it when someone gets a lightning bolt!

Toad:  Ah wowo wowo!

(Yuffie gets FAR ahead in first place)

Yuffie:  Cool!

(Everyone catches up to Yuffie the minute she turns slightly on the outside of a turn)

Yuffie:  What the hell?

(eventually through the use of getting a ring of red eggs at the last moment, Yuffie manages to shoot everyone right before the finish line, cept Vivian, who was behind her)

(Vivian passes everyone)

Vivian:  I LIKE this race.

Zircon the Destroyer:  I HATE this race.
 
 
 
 

(Yuffie's chocobo and Yuffie are bounding across GOLD SAUCER ROOFTOPS course)

Toad:  I'm the best!

Yuffie:  EEEEK!  Isn't this dangerous?

Patricia:   Don't worry!  No one ever got hurt here before, cept for Saki... damn, she's like some sort of freaky lemming or something...

(Zircon the Destroyer blasts Yuffie with a red egg of which she had no chance of dodging)

(Yuffie gets knocked off the edge of a gold saucer)

Yuffie:  AIEEEEEEEE!  I'm going to die and it's all Kiryou's fault!

(SPLAT!)

(A guy riding a cloud pulls Yuffie up with a fishing pole and SLOWLY starts to put her back on the course)

Lakitu:  There you go!

Yuffie:  OW!

(Everyone dashes underneath Yuffie)

Lakitu:  Dum de dum...

(Lakitu SLOWLY starts to lower Yuffie onto the course again)

Yuffie:  Dammit!  Stupid slow jerk!

(Yuffie darts her shurikan at Lakitu.  Lakitu dies and drops Yuffie, who slams back onto the course)

(Yuffie runs into another item box and gets another box with a button on it)

Yuffie:  Wow... being in last place RULES!

(The INCREDIBLY cheap lightning bolt hits everyone but Yuffie and sends many of the racers spiralling off, never to be seen or heard from again, because Lakitu is dead and can't bring them back up:P)
 
 
 
 

(Yuffie and Chaco prepare to trail the final COSMO CANYON course)

Toad:  I'm the best!

Yuffie: Shaddup!

Patricia:  You've been doing well so far, but now it's time for me to bring out the big guns!

(Patricia snaps her finger and a huge chocobo as big as the choco/mog summoning spell runs over)

Patricia:  Fear the power of Cid the Chocobo!  This will be the one on one champion match, now!

Cid:  Wark!  Cid power, wark!

(Cid eats a nearby tree)

Yuffie:  Is that thing legal?

Patricia:  Of course it is!

Magical words:  Ready, GO!

(Fast Racing boss music)

(Cid bursts ahead of Yuffie)

Yuffie:  How am I supposed to catch up to this?

(Cid slams into one of the nearby mountains, causing an avalanche)

Yuffie:  Crap!  I'd better dodge these!

(Using her superior racing skills, Yuffie gets flattened by eight out of ten rocks)

Yuffie:  You can cut out the damn sarcasm, now!

(Cid starts breaking through a bunch of hills)

Patricia:  Dammit, I wish this thing knew how to turn!

Cid:  Wark, Cid power!

(Yuffie catches up to and passes Cid because he's always slamming into mountains)

Patricia:  Hmph!

(Cid  starts spitting a barrage of green eggs)

Yuffie:  AAAAAH!

(Yuffie dodges the eggs while dashing up the Cosmo Canyon mountain into the cool lucking sunset)

Yuffie:  ACK!  Good graphics and cool lighting... blinding.... eyes.....

(Yuffie gets flattened by Cid)

(Yuffie pops back up)

Yuffie:  OUCH!

(Yuffie sends a spiky egg flying up Cid's big fat...)

Cid:  WAAAAAAAAARK!

(Cid jumps high into the sky as Yuffie runs under him)

(Patricia slams to the ground)

(Patricia quickly grabs out her mountain climbing gear and climbs back on top of Cid)

(Chaco starts to turn up the spiraling mountain)

Yuffie:  Whew!  This must be pretty tiring for Kiryou's poor chocobo... but according to my radar, I'm almost at the finish line!

(Cid jumps, causing an earthquake)

(A bunch of rocks roll down at Yuffie)

(Using her superior ninja skills, Yuffie...)

(Yuffie darts a shurikan into one of Tiamat's heads, killing it.)

Yuffie:  Dammit!  I warned you to stop the sarcasm already!

Tiamat:  AAAAAH!  Tiamat, are you all right?

Tiamat:  Oh shut up!

(Yuffie scales the mountain and starts dodging all the trees that are falling due to Cid's heavy footsteps)

(Yuffie reaches the finish line)

Yuffie:  YAY!  I win!

(Cid crosses the finish line and crushes Yuffie)
 
 
 
 

(Back in the racing lounge)

Yuffie:  Are you mad that you aren't the champion anymore?

Patricia:  Nah.  It doesn't matter, because the records get wiped everytime someone presses the reset button.  Hey, you're pretty good.  Next time, I'll actually try.

Yuffie:  ........whatever.

Patricia:  Sigh... if there IS a next time.

Yuffie:  What do you mean?

Patricia:  Dio wants to make the Gold Saucer more "commercial."  He's going to simplify to chocobo racing so that it'll be easy to place bets and all that.

Yuffie:  Oh.....

Patricia:  He already shut down the opera because only the sophisticated students went there and peanut vendors aren't very successful at operas.  Boy, Kesley was peeved about that.

Yuffie:  All about money, huh?

Patricia:  Yea.

Yuffie:  That greedy bastard.  (He should give me some of it, dammit!)

Patricia:  It's really bad... I've been thinking of leaving the academy....

Yuffie:  Just because the chocobo races are shutting down?

Patricia:  Yea..... well, no.  Actually....

(Patricia looks around)

Patricia:  Could you keep a secret for me?

Yuffie:  Probably not..... I mean, yea, of course I can!

Patricia:  Never mind.  I shouldn't be telling you... I should probably tell Franchesca first.

Yuffie:  Awwww!  Come on!  Why not?  I don't even know why I'm here at this school in the first place.  I was just... sorta... picked up.

Patricia:  Hmm... just like me.  Well, I guess I should tell you then...

(start Shinra music)

Patricia:  It happened a while ago... a month, I think....
 
 
 
 
 
 

    It was a dark dreary night at Midgar, just like always.  I, along with Sephy, had been escorting Kesley to her next meeting, like we usually do.  It seemed like nothing was different.  Tseng landed the helicopter smoothly, despite pleads from Rude who wanted to drive, and Kesley, Sephy, and I stepped out and walked from the helipad to the meeting room.  As Kesley entered, Reeve was there like always, discussing the business and budget of the late weapons deal with the snow nation of Promise.  Kesley asked Sephy and I to leave.  As I was going out, however, I heard a cry of anguish from a far away bathroom.  Curious, Sephy and I went over to see what was wrong.  It was only the heavy head of space development, Palmer, who had just finished dealing with some sort of constipation problem.  As he left, Sephy thought the place smelled horrendous and figured that the bathroom needed some better ventilation.  So, he checked out the air vent and wondered if it actually led to ventilated air.  With that, he climbed up it, and I followed.  I know that seems stupid, but we usually have nothing to do when Kesley is at these meetings, so we do stupid things.  We found that the vent led to right about the Shinra meeting room and had a clear bird's eye view.  Wondering what Kesley always talked about, we decided to stick around and evesdrop a little.
    That fat guy, Heideggar went on boasting about how Shinra had caused the ruin of Promise, fully exploiting it to the fullest.  Kesley sat down, and listened to Hojo boast about his new mako project.  Kesley got in a big argument with him, claiming that one doesn't need mako in order to be effective.  I was disgusted to think that people would be injected with something just to start a super army.  It seemed like some sort of steroid or something.  Sephy agreed with me.  The new girl that the president found at the Honey Bee Square, Scarlet, agreed with Hojo, and there was a big argument until President Shinra finally calmed everyone down and invited an open discussion of the project...

Business man, Reeve:  It's too risky.  The prices will be astronomically high.  I'm worried about the fact that the only real nation left is Wutai.  However, Midgar has already been built, so I suppose that we should continue with the project.

Santa's lost brother, Heideggar:  Gwa ha ha!  Soldiers will be much more plentiful than Kesley's gifted!  We need more soldiers, now, to enforce our tight grip of power!

Freaky messed up controversial dresser, Scarlet:  Kya ha ha!  The soldiers will be the ultimate weapon!  Well, almost.  They'll still be a great supplement to our new robotic forces.

Kesley:  I can't believe this.  But what about side effects?

Hojo:  Side effects like nausea, tissue damage, stuffy noses, upset personalities, psychotic tendencies, breakdowns, death, and slight diseases have all been deemed to okay by Shinra safety standards!

Palmer:  Yawn.  When can we eat?

Kesley:  ........

Reeve:   Hmm... something smells funny.  Really bad, even.

(Palmer blushes)

Wrinkled old bag, President Shinra:  Now we all know and appreciate your project, Kesley.  But we need definitive results!

Kesley:  She beat him every time!

Hojo:  Those were flukes!  I can prove it!

(Hojo explains a really long math equation about alchohol and tolerance)

Kesley:  .........

President Shinra:  Just because she survived and got so far now, does not prove your theory of blessed people.

Kesley:  She and all other members of the academy can take out at least twenty generic people by themselves.

Hojo:  There you go again with "generic" characters!  There's no such thing.

Reeve:  Besides, how come that Team Generic got so far?  I thought your psychics proved that they were "generic" people, yet
they managed to get up into the top ranks.

Hojo:  AND MY experiment is also a member of the team in the top ranks!

Kesley:  Um.... flukes?

President Shinra:  Is everything a stupid fluke?!?

Kesley:  .......

Hojo:  Well, the Soldier project is proceeding very nicely, thank you very much!

Heideggar:  It's taking too long for me!  Let's go use our weapons to kill something now!

Scarlet:  Yea!  All of these gifted human weapons and these scientifically engineered ones and we aren't using them!

Heideggar:  Gwa ha ha!  We have all these trained killing machines!  But they are inferior to our genetically engineered ones!  I say we use them up now, so we won't have to bother paying them later.  They're more expensive to train, too.

Kesley:  Speaking of expenses, um.... anychance for a better budget?  I'm improvising too much here.  I think some of the students are beginning to get suspicious, what with the lack of textbooks and PAPER and all....

Scarlet:  Students?!?  Kya ha ha!  WHAT is that?  They're not students!  They're just expendable weapons, bred to kill and destroy!  And to go on small squad suicide missions!  They work best in small parties, after all.  That's why you've trained them that way with that Myciplo game.

Patrisha:  Weapons bred to kill and destroy?

Sephiroth:  Small squad suicide missions.....

Kesley:  They aren't expendable.  My psychics seem to be having difficulty finding any more hero characters in the world.

Palmer:  Why don't you give funds to the space program, so we can search for more hero characters on other worlds?

Kesley:  Yea, I don't think we'd find anything, but the space program needs more funding, too.

President Shinra:  What do you think I am?!?  Made out of money?  I'm tired of this pointless meeting.  I'm going to go take a dip in my money bin.

(President Shinra leaves)

Hojo:  Well, another pointless meeting.  It doesn't matter.  I have some work to do.

(Hojo leaves)

Scarlet:  Hmm.

Heideggar:  Ha-hork!

(Scarlet and Heideggar leave)

Kesley:  ..........

Reeve:  Kesley, tell me... do you really think that the gifted could beat an entire army?

Kesley:  Of course.

Reeve:  Say.... one with about sixty-thousand generic soldiers?

Kesley:  Not directly, but they'd find ways.

Reeve:  Hmm...

Kesley:  Palmer!  Hurry up with the space program!

(Kesley leaves)

Reeve:  Palmer, you really should be careful with her.

Palmer:  Huh?  She appreciates me!

Reeve:  ...... I think I can tell you this because you are an idiot and will probably forget all about it later.  I think Kesley has her own agenda.

Palmer:  What's an agenda?

Reeve:  I've seen her gifted.  They are a force to be reckoned with.  I have a feeling that Kesley plans to use them for her own means.  I've been spying on her with a little toy moogle.  Something that no one would suspect.  It didn't achieve much though because one of Kesley's gifted took a liking to it and never let it out of her sight.  However, she recently dissappeared, so Moggie was able to do some research for me.  Kesley states something about getting revenge and overthrowing an evil organization using her gifted army.  And the only evil organization I can think of is...

Palmer:  SquareSoft?

Reeve:  No!  Shinra!

Palmer.  Oh.... wait, she works for Shinra!

Reeve:  Duh!  And so do you!  She must need the space program for a reason, so be careful!

(Reeve leaves)

Palmer:  I'm hungry....

*crack crack*

Patrisha:  !!!!

Sephiroth:  ?!?

(The vent breaks and Patrisha and Sephiroth fall, slamming to the floor)

Palmer:  Huh?

(Patrisha and Sephiroth quickly get up)

Patrisha:  Good day!

Sephiroth:  Good day!

(Patrisha and Sephiroth quickly dash out)

Palmer:  Drat.  I thought the pizza god came from the sky to bring me a gift or something!  I'm hungry.
 
 
 
 
 
 

Patrisha:  ................. well?

Sephiroth:  Well, what?

Patrisha:  All my life, I've been learning, working, and training just to be used as a weapon as the Shinra see fit.

Sephiroth:  So?

Patrisha:  I don't get it....

Sephiroth:  ........... everyone has to make a living.

Patrisha:  Hmm... maybe, but I'm sure that you feel the same as I do.

Sephiroth:  I suppose.

Patrisha:  Sephiroth-san?  I.... I can't stay here.  I have to leave the academy now, knowing what it's true purpose is.

Sephiroth:  .......

Patrisha:  You'll come with me, right?  I know how you feel about being exploited.

Sephiroth:  .......Patrisha, I can't do that.

Patrisha:  What?

Sephiroth:  I can't leave the place where I've lived and work all my life.  I can't leave the institution that raised me and tought me how to live.  I can't leave the one who took me in and saved me.

Patrisha:  Kesley saved me too, but I....

Sephiroth:  Well, I'm staying.  What will I do if I leave?  So we are nothing but weapons... what exactly is a person, anyway?  It's a job, it's a purpose.  I'll have to accept it.

Patrisha:  .......
 
 
 
 
 

    When we finally found Kesley, who was searching for us, we left Midgar without telling her that we were listening.  Maybe I'm making too big of a deal with it.  Maybe.  But as the helicopter took off, I looked around.  Everywhere in Midgar, armed soldiers were patrolling the streets.  Officials made sure that everyone obeyed the rules.  Sure, we were to be used as weapons, but Sephy had a point.  They were no better than us, working as slaves for the Shinra and nothing else.  I still wanted to leave, but I couldn't.  Maybe it was because of the reasons that Sephy gave, or maybe it was something else.  At any rate, I guess I'm here to stay until another war starts and I die in battle...

(Patrisha looks at Yuffie)

Patrisha:  But you don't have to let that happen to you.  You're new here.  You should get out while you can.  Before you make a committment, and before you get too attached to this place.  Problem is, once you've enrolled, you can't get out...

Yuffie:  Actually, I never did enroll.  I was just kind of found and such.  But hey, I'll ditch this place.  It's pissing me off anyway and I really don't belong here at all for reasons that I can't tell you.  I'll just leave everyone else when we arrive at Wutai.

Patricia:  Ha ha ha.  Well, you're bus should be going soon.  I won't keep you waiting.  Goodbye for now, Yuffie.  I hope for your sake that it's goodbye forever....

(Patricia leaves)

(Lenore and Kiryou walk in)

Kiryou:  There you are!

Lenore:  You did a good job!

Chaco:  Wark!

Yuffie:  The bus is leaving soon!  I have to get going!

Lenore:  Yeah, me too.  Did you pack your things?

Yuffie:  Yea.

(Yuffie lifts up her backpack, but it takes a lot of effort)

Yuffie:  Dammit!  This thing get heavier or or something?  Oh well.  To the bus!

(Yuffie runs away)

(Lenore runs after her)

The front gate...

(Yuffie runs up to Lenore)

Yuffie:  WHAT THE...?  How the hell did you get here first?  I'm the ninja, dammit!

(Yuffie walks up to Franchesca)

Franchesca:  Your pass?

Yuffie:  Oh!  It's in my pocket.

(Yuffie fumbles around for her ticket)

Yuffie:  Um... gimme a sec.  I'm sure I have it.

(Franchesca waits a while)

Franchesca:  Sorry, Yuffaruni.  But you need a pass to get on.  That's just the way we do things.  The bus would be too full, otherwise.  And we don't want a crowded bus, do we?

Yuffie:  No!  I have to have it!  How could I lose it?

Franchesca:  Look, there are a lot of other students waiting to get on.

Yuffie:  Um.... I must have dropped it.  I'll be back!

(Yuffie runs out of the bus and runs by Judith, who is in line)

Judith:  Hey, Yuffie.

Yuffie:  Oh, hey Judith.

(Judith boards the bus)

Yuffie:  Wait.... I thought Judith didn't have a ticket...... HEY!

(Yuffie runs back onto the bus)

Franchesca:  Found it?

Yuffie:  Judith stole my ticket!

Judith:  No I didn't!

Yuffie:  Yes you did!

Franchesca:  Normally, Shinra advocates guilty until proven innocent, but quite frankly, this accusation kind of... comes out of nowhere.

Yuffie:  You STOLE from me?!?  I can't believe this!  Judith stole from ME?  I'M THE ONE WHO'S SUPPOSED TO DO ALL OF THE STEALING, HERE!

(Judith sticks her tongue out at Yuffie)

Yuffie:  Hey!
 
 
 
 

(Yuffie is hanging onto the back of the moving bus while Lenore is looking out the back window at her)

Yuffie:  Grr....

Lenore:  Um, are you ok?

(A branch from a nearby tree scratches into Yuffie's face)

Yuffie:  Grr....

Lenore:  Um........
 
 
 
 
 
 

(Nibelheim)

Kid Cloud:  Waaaaaaah!  Me no like being an outcast!

Kid Tifa:  Too bad!

(The bus comes roaring through Nibelheim, running over Tifa and Cloud and a whole buncha buildings)
 
 
 
 
 

(The bus arrives at Rocket Town, which is NOT futuristic yet)

Franchesca:  By Da-Chao's many chins!  What's this walking tree doing here?

Yuffie:  Shaddup.

Franchesca:  Ack!  Yuffaruni got transformed into a tree!

(Lenore helps Yuffie remove all the rocks and branches that slammed into her while she was at the back of the bus)

Yuffie:  .........

Shake:  OW!

(Yuffie grabs Shake out of her backpack)

Shake:  DAMMIT!  I wish I thought of stealing Yuffie's tickets before Judith did.

Yuffie:  You moron!  I almost fell off because my backpack was so damn heavy!  What did you do with my toothpaste?

Shake:  You mean that jelly wasn't candy?

(Yuffie notices Shake's really clean teeth)

Yuffie:  Nevermind.  I have to go kill Judith.

(Yuffie walks up to Judith)

(Yuffie looks at Judith)

Judith:  Yeah?  I need to go on this trip more than you!

Shake:  Well, you can't go against reasoning like that!

Yuffie:  SHADDUP!

(A helicopter lands and crushes Judith and Shake)

(The helicopter bursts into flames)

(Kesley, Patricia, Sephiroth, Tseng, and Rude run out, coughing)

Kesley:  RUDE!  I can't believe you!

Rude:  Sorry, m'aam!

Tseng:  I shouldn't have let him fly.  But I thought he could use the experience.

Kesley:  Nevermind.  Go get the helicopter ready again.  I have some things to do.

(Kesley leaves, escorted by Patricia and Sephiroth as Rude and Tseng tend to the helicopter)

Franchesca:  Rest stop!  We'll be leaving again in 20 minutes, so be at the docks by then!

Yuffie:  Hmm.... methinks I'll follow Kesley because I have nothing else to do, now that Judith and Shake aren't around to insult me.

(Yuffie runs after Kesley)

(Kesley walks up to Palmer and Shera)

Kesley:  Hmm.... so, how is it going?

Shera:  Oh!  Kesley!  Nice of you to drop by!  Um... the space project seems to be doing great, but we need more funds.

Palmer:  Hey hey!

Sephiroth:  GRR!

Palmer:  YIPE!

(Palmer hides in a corner)

Sephiroth and Patricia:   :)

Kesley:  Hmm...

Shera:  It's Scarlett.  She wants ample reason to fund the project or something.  She wants to create space weapons or something...

Kesley:  But for that we'd need a war...

Shera:  Yea, but Shinra pretty much decimated every nation out there, except...

Kesley:  Wutai....

Shera:  But we can't go to war with them!  We're at peace now!

Kesley:  Bah.  We were at peace with that ice country too.  Now they're toast.  It'll only be so long before the president declares war on Wutai too.  Make due with what you got.  I want the project to be complete as soon as possible.

Shera:  Might I ask why you're so interested in the project?

Kesley:  Oh... um....... I enjoyed reading astronomical books when I was young!

Shera:  Oh.

Kesley:  Carry on.

(Kesley turns around and look at Yuffie)

Kesley:  Are you obsessed with me or something?!?

Yuffie:  No.... just curious.

Patricia:  It was a much shorter goodbye than I thought.  But this meeting is brief.

(Kesley, Patricia, and Sephiroth leave)

Palmer:  That guy scares me!

Shera:  Sigh....
 
 
 
 

(Back at the shipping docks)

Yuffie:  Dammit!  When can I finally get back to the overworld and do some wandering?  I feel like I've been forced through scene after scene without any wandering time in between!

(Yuffie jumps on the boat)

Lenore:  Well, I wonder if I'll find out anything at Wutai.

Yuffie:  I can't help but think I'm forgetting something.

(Yuffie looks in her empty backpack)

Yuffie:  Stupid Shake.
 
 
 

(Scene of boat going across the ocean.  A dialogue box appears at the bottom of the screen)

Yuffie:  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!  OMIGAAAAWD!
 
 
 
 

(At Wutai)

Lenore:  Well, that's gonna be one for all those environmentalists.

Yuffie:  Stupid Shake threw out all my tranquilizers!

Shake:  Wow!  I never saw so much fish swimming near the surface in my life!

Judith:  They weren't swimming!  They floated to the surface because they were dead!  Yuffie's puke killed them all!

Yuffie:  ........

Lenore:  Are you ok, now?

Yuffie:  Yea......

(Yuffie looks around the large harbor.  There's lots of hustle and bustle everywhere, and everyone is busy)

Yuffie:  This is that abandoned harbor that we used, earlier?

Lenore:  Hmm.... looks much better, now.

Judith:  We should take a look around.  This will be helpful to describe Wutai before the war.

(Lars exits the ship with a brief case.  He's followed by Ki Ra Yo)

(Yuffie, Lenore, Shake, and Judith run around doing some shopping and generally goofing off)

Franchesca:  Um, what are you doing?

Yuffie:  We're trying to figure out where the hell we're supposed to go next in order to advance with the storyline!

Judith:  Yea, don't you hate it when this happens?

Franchesca:  Whatever.  Well, I think everyone can handle themselves, now, so I'll just head up to the capital city.  Oh sure, there are monsters outside town, but aren't there always?  I'm sure you'll be able to handle yourselves.  After all, you did get into the academy.

(Franchesca leaves)

Yuffie:  I have this strange feeling that nothing will happen and time won't even past if we stick around here.

Lenore:  Shall we head up north?

Judith:  Yeah, the capital has got to have something interesting going on.

Lenore:  Wait here.... give me a second.  I have to go talk to someone.

(Lenore walks up to Vivian, who is talking to Niel)

Vivian:  So, like, what are we doing?

Niel:  Hmm... Lars went somewhere... he didn't go to the capital, though... he should be heading for the headquarters of the Wutai Mafia according to Genmari's records....

Vivian (To Lenore):  Oh, hey Lenore.  Anyway, Niel, where do you think he went?

Niel:  Well, we follow him of course and...

Vivian:  AAAAAH!  LENORE!

Lenore:  What the heck were you doing?!?  You tried to get me killed!

Vivian:  Um... well.... you see... it was like this....you see, here's what happened...

(Vivian dashes away)

Lenore:  .......

Niel:  She runs fast when she senses trouble.

Lenore:  Niel?  What are you doing here?

Niel:  I am helping Vivian to find out what she is doing here.  Farewell.

(Niel walks away)

Lenore:  ......

Yuffie:  Um....... follow them?

Lenore:  Yea.

Yuffie:  Well, if they're heading for the Wutai Mafia headquarters, I know where it is...

Judith:  Wutai Mafia?!?

Shake:  Ugh.... not that stupid gang....

(A bunch of people in the background glance at Shake)

Judith:  I've heard legends about a secret society a long time ago called the "Wutai Mafia."  They participated in... well, mafia-like activities.

Shake:  Psh!  Today Wutai Mafia is a real crock!

(A bunch of people in the background glance at Shake)

Yuffie:  No it isn't!  Wutai Mafia is cool!

Shake:  Sh'yea, ri......ACK!

(Shake gets assassinated by unknown killers)

Lenore:  Well, Yuffie, if you know where it is, lead the way!

Yuffie:  Sure!

(Yuffie picks up Shake's dead body and the group heads out of the harbor)

    Yuffie and the group head across the overworld FINALLY, but if they head back to the capital there's nothing there and nothing happens because they are supposed to go to the WM headquarters!  So, Yuffie points the group there, and they go underneath Wutai's mountain bridges instead of over them until they eventually reach a cave in the mountain canyon.

Yuffie:  This is it!

(Yuffie walks up to the cave, which is blocked by a rock)

Yuffie:  Hey, open up!

Generic Mafia Guy:  Huh?  We can't open this door to just anyone!

Yuffie:  May the Wutai Mafia forever smite its enemies and make lots of money to get rich quick.  ~WM Boss

Generic Mafia Guy:  The password!

(The rock moves away)

Lenore:  How did you do that?!?

Judith:  Whoa!  But I heard that the WM password was so secret that no one even.... um..... knew it!  How did you know it?

Yuffie:  I'm a member, stupid!

Judith:  WHAT?  That's preposterous!

Lenore:  Hey.... I never hear anything about the Wutai Mafia in the present.  What do they do nowadays?

Yuffie:  Confidential information.

Lenore:  (Wow, they probably must participate in really cool secret activities and run society while the majority of civilians don't realize it!)

Yuffie:  (If Lenore found out that all we do is hang out together and go shopping or play Mario Kart, she'd laugh....)

Generic Mafia Guy:  You'd better hurry!  The big meeting starts soon!

Yuffie:  Meeting?  Where is it?

Generic Mafia Guy:  Just follow that generic mafia guy.  He'll lead you there.

Yuffie:  Um.... which one?

Generic Mafia Guy:  The guy in the black suit.

Yuffie:  Um.... they're ALL in black suits.  And they all look EXACTLY alike!

Generic Mafia Guy:  Well, just keep talking to different ones until one leads you to the meeting area.

Yuffie:  .........

(Yuffie talks to generic mafia guy)

Generic Mafia Guy:  HEY!  Some clockworks!  It's about time we got some more.

Yuffie:  ??

(Yuffie talks to generic mafia guy)

Generic Mafia Guy:  The boss is planning something real special, heh heh.  He's unvieling it at the meeting.

(Yuffie talks to generic mafia guy)

Generic Mafia Guy:  Those fools had better remember to have paid their "protection" bills!

(Yuffie talks to generic mafia guy)

Generic Mafia Guy:  Need to go to the meeting area?

(Yuffie answers yes)

Generic Mafia Guy:  Follow me!

Yuffie:  Whew!
 
 
 

    Cheering roared on as the cloud was eager to anticipate the speech of their boss.  Hundreds of generic mafia guys were babbling back and forth about generic things, waiting for the boss to come.  The sun shown brightly above the courtyard of the rally, as the people rushed onto the tan floors.

Lenore:  Yuffie, I saw Niel back there.  I have to go.

Yuffie:  Whatever.  Have fun.

(Lenore leaves)

Judith:  I wonder if the Mafia is relevant to my project.

    The leader of the Mafia took the stand.  He... looked like every other generic mafia guy.  For our purposes, we shall refer to him as Leader, for his name is meaningless as he has practically no signifigance to the story.

Leader:  Today is a grand day for the Wutai Mafia!

Yuffie:  I always felt that they needed to get a cooler name... something like the Seven Dragons or what not.  Anything but a stupid spoof on a certain organization.

Leader:  I have been offered this great power!  Power beyond our imagination!

(Lars walks up to the leader as he holds out a crystal)

Leader:  With this crystal, we shall become as powerful as "hero" characters!  No more shall stupid heros like that Staniv Whachisnam!  This crystal has the ability to make all generic characters as strong as hero ones!  Observe!  Volunteer?

(A generic mafia guy walks up to the stand)

Leader:  HA!

Generic Mafia Guy:  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

    A huge flash, then the generic mafia guy is no longer a generic mafia guy.  He is now.... A KNIGHT!  With a name!  A generic random name nonetheless, but a name!  And he has the power of a FFT knight, which is JUST as strong as all other FFT knights instead of how crappy generic soldiers always get their asses whooped by "hero" characters!

Otto (once generic mafia guy):  THE POWER....

Leader:  And we can all be as powerful as hero characters!  This crystal will be ours!  All we have to do is give this man our clockwork, who really isn't that helpful, anyway!

Generic Mafia Guys:  YEAH!

Leader:  Lars, I present to you our clockwork, Cervas.

(Cervas, a long dark haired twenty year old with a triangle hat and red robe, walks up to Lars)

Clockwork, Cervas:  ......

Lars:  And I thank you, oh glorious leader of the Mafia.  Wutai Mafia forever.

(Lars leaves with Cervas)

Yuffie:  Hmm.......
 
 
 

(The courtyard is empty)

Judith:  Ok, that was wierd.

Yuffie:  Yea.  But that Lars guy is with the badguys, so we should stop him.

Shake:  Let's get out of here.

(Yuffie, Judith, and Shake exit the courtyard)

(Yuffie is now on the balcany above a large room)

Yuffie:  ?

(Yuffie looks down into the room below, where Lenore is talking to Niel and Vivian)

Vivian:  Well, this is all bad and some junk.

Niel:  Tenko can not stop us, Lenore.  Your effort is futile!

Lenore:  Well, I can't let you get out of here and I can't let Lars get away, either.

Vivian:  I'll take you on here, right now!  Lars won't even have to SEE you!

Niel:  Negative, Vivian.  We are to unleash a really large and powerful thing on Lenore and boast that it will kill her while we run off without making sure she loses.

Vivian:  WHAT?  But...

Niel:  That is how it is done.

Vivian:  But we don't have any big thing to use!

(A huge mech falls out of the sky.  It is white and has two twin guns)

Niel:  Aha!  A gift from the story gods!  We shall use it!  Lenore, the guardian shall defeat you here!

(Vivian and Niel run off)

Niel:  Oh, by the way, you do realize that you could have stopped us while we were talking or running away, right?

Lenore:  Yea.

Niel:  Ah yes.  You just have to love those storyline gods.

Lenore:  ........
 
 
 

(Boss battle)

Guardian:  Won't let you pass!

(Lenore smacks the guardian for 0 hp damage)

Guardian:  Won't let you pass!

(The guardian shoots Lenore)

Lenore:  OW!

Yuffie:  She can't win... but how could I help?

(Yuffie gets a ringing noise)

Nathan:  Yuffie?  I was worried about you!  What are you doing all the way over in Wutai?

Yuffie:  Nathan?  How the hell are you talking to me?!?

Nathan:  Um.... well.... I....... I put an invisible phone onto your bandana!

Yuffie:  What?

Nathan:  Um.... yeah, that's the ticket!

Yuffie:  Nevermind.  How do I beat the guardian?

Nathan:  The guardian?  I studied about that in the secret history files back at the academy!  The thing is, you can't even hurt it unless the guys who sent it after you aren't around.  Don't ask me why.

Yuffie:  What the hell?  Niel and Vivian aren't around!

(Lenore dodges a bunch of missiles)

Nathan:  Well, there must be SOMEONE controlling it.

Yuffie:  It just... fell from the sky.

(Yuffie looks at three Lunaria Soldiers)

Yuffie:  Oh, I think I found out who sent it out.  So, why do I have to get rid of them first?

Nathan:  History says that the guardian couldn't be hurt at all until it was fighting by itself with no one around.  However, I'm not sure if killing those soldiers will work because there was one moment when the guardian was guarding a capital and the heroes still couldn't hurt it when no one was around.

Yuffie:  Great... how did those heroes survive to kill it later?!?

Nathan:  Um... they ran away from the battle.

Yuffie:  You can do that?

Nathan:  For this boss battle, yes.  You have to tell Lenore before she gets killed!

(Lenore shoots the guardian, which counter attacks)

Yuffie:  Great!  Come on!

Joe the Generic Lunaria Soldier:  Hey!  Other people!  Let's get them!

(Yuffie, Shake, and Judith battle the three soldiers)

(Lenore casts heal on herself)

Guardian:  Other intruders detected!

(The guardian fires some missiles which fly up at Yuffie, Judith, and Shake)

Yuffie:  Great!  We have to deal with that, too?

(Yuffie dodges a whole lot of missiles and such until the three soldiers are beaten, then dashes down the stairs)

Lenore:  Yuffie!  You came to help me out!

Yuffie:  RUN!

Lenore:  You can't run from a boss battle!

Yuffie:  You can if it's part of the storyline!  Now come on!

Lenore:  Um... fine.

(Lenore and Yuffie dash away)




(End boss battle)

Lenore:  Well now, that as stupid.

Shake:  Yea.

Judith:  Hmm.

Lenore:  I have a feeling that Genmari is winning....

Yuffie:  Hey, no problem.  Even if he does get all those light warrior dohickies, you can still stop him, right?

Lenore:  Yeah.  Thanks.  We should get back to the harbor and wait until this Wutai trip is over.

Judith:  Are we done here?  I'm going to the capital!  I need to pick up some material!

Yuffie:  Hmm.....

Lenore:  Well, we still have time.  I'll tag along where you go, Yuffie.

Yuffie:  The capital?  Doesn't seem like I really need to go there.

Lenore:  We'll have to stop Genmari.  I can't let him take over the world and destroy everything!