Godo:  Hmm.

Gorky:  Empty.

Staniv:  This place used to be so alive!  What happened to all those nice people?

Chekhov:  They weren't nice people!  They were trying to eat our brains, stupid!  Remember?

Staniv:  Oh yea!  Had to lay down the smack on that darn female zombie that came too close for comfort.

Yuffie:  This place was filled with zombies when I left.

Lenore:  Where did they all go?

Guy's voice:  We took care of them!

(Scary super mario RPG smithy gang music starts)

(A guy with long green hair and smooth bangs, white armour, and a green cape appears.  Along with him is a girl in tacky red armour, who also has green hair)

Guy:  I am Shtar!  At your service.

(Shtar bows)

Girl:  Tina.

Godo:  OH WOW!!!!

(Godo quickly grabs out his notepad)

Godo:  SHTAR AND TINA!!!  The original speed and magic gods!  Can I have your autograph?

(Godo shoves the notepad in Shtar's face)

Shtar:  ...

(Shtar and Tina look at each other and frown.  Geshtar pushes the notepad away)

Shtar:  Ahem.  Gods don't give autographs.

Lenore:  This is cool!  I get to see real gods!

Yuffie:  What?  That fat one named Da-Chao wasn't enough?

Lenore:  Well... there's always room for more.

Tina:  We took care of your little zombie problem.

Shtar:  Yes, we did.  You have nothing to fear when you have gods like us watching over you.

Godo:  Huh?  Never saw you guys around before.

Tina:  You shouldn't question us.  We  gods work in mysterious ways.

Shtar:  Speaking of which, we need a hero again.

Tina:  Yes... a problem has come up which could be of some annoyance to us.

Shtar:  Staniv?

Staniv:  Nah.  I'm too old for that kind of stuff.

Chekhov:  Too old?  What the hell are you talking about?  You're not even close to 40 yet!

Staniv:  Well, I already went on my own little adventure.

Yuffie:  OH!  How about me?  I have experience!

(Shtar and Tina look at Yuffie, then start laughing)

Shtar:  Ah... so naive.

Tina:  Aren't all the brats always like that?  :)

Yuffie:  HEY!

Godo:  Well, she does screw things up pretty often...

Yuffie:  DAD!

Kafan:  Godo!

Godo:  BUT she's my daughter, so I'm sure she must have inherited at least SOME of my perfection.  And her mother was pretty great too, so she's probably just a late bloomer or something.

Yuffie:  Damn straight.

Shtar:  Ah whatever.  It's no big deal.  We'll handle it ourselves, this time.  We are gods, after all.

Tina (yawning):  I grow so tired of this.

Shtar:  We won't need a hero this time around.  We cleaned up Rocket Town without one.  We'll be seeing you then.

(Tina and Shtar dissappear)

Yuffie:  Clean up?  They must have erased everyone or something.  No one is here!  Cid's going to be pretty mad when he finds that the gods got rid of Shera.  Oh well.

Godo:  Shit.  Now we have to get on that damn boat back to Wutai.  Gorky, get my tranquilizer+ ready.
 
 

(Kafan's classroom)

(Kafan is at her desk opening her mail)

(A young female teenager wearing an ink black tunic and dark black jeans flips down from the ceiling.  Her left bang is cut long so it covers the left side of her face)

Kafan:  Ah, Richiese.  How was your weekend?

The lovable and charming villain (so she says), Richiese:  I thought it was okay.

(Yuffie walks in)

Yuffie:  Hey, Richiese!  Guess what happened to me over the weekend!

(Kafan opens up her letter with her envelope opener)

Richiese:  I'm listening!

Yuffie:  Well, it all started when I decided to leave Wutai again after dad went off on one of his bitching sprees.

(Kafan is too busy reading her mail to pay attention to Yuffie)

Yuffie:  And then the black orb opened a huge time portal!

(Kafan looks at the letter she's holding.  It has a cute super deformed Reeve pointing to a map of Shinra)

Yuffie:  So at the academy we...

Reeve's words:  Hello!  Reeve Enterprises wants YOU!  Yes, Kafan, it's about time that we get our staff together again!

Kafan:  ....?

Yuffie:  And we find out that Genmari wants to bring the 8 light warriors to the present to do his bidding!

Reeve's words:  We need a new head of the Science department.  Our last one turned out to be a maniac who's Jenova Project almost destroyed the world and now he's dead.

Yuffie:  So I ended up on the phantom train and...

Reeve's words:  I remember your fine scientific ability, Kafan!  I'm inviting YOU to come join us as our new head of science!  Reeve Enterprises is a very prosperous corporation.  We have many things to offer you.

Yuffie:  And everyone got killed in all that fighting, but we finally tracked down Genmari and...

Reeve's words:  So why not?  You can be an esteemed membor of the board of the greatest corporation on the planet!  And you can get back to your scientific studies that you always loved so much.  We're willing to forgive that little incident 15 years ago.

Kafan:  Science...

(Kafan closes her eyes in thought)

Yuffie:  And so we arrived back here, after saving the world!

(Kafan crumples up the letter then prepares to throw it into the trashcan, but on second thought, decides to put it into her purse, instead)

Yuffie:  What do you think?

Richiese:  I think it was a good story.  I appreciate it.  I liked the one where the meteor almost destroyed the Shinra, better, though.

Yuffie:  Obviously.  I had a bigger part in that!  In fact, without me, meteor would have killed everyone.

Richiese:  I know.

(Chekhov walks in, looks at Richiese, and frowns)

Kafan:  What's wrong?

Chekhov:  She's hanging out with... her, again.

Kafan:  Are you worried that Richiese is a bad influence on dear Yuffie?  I guess I can see why.  She did declare herself that she would someday conquer Wutai and be the most feared villainess ever, so I can see why you'd be worried.

Chekhov:  No, I'm worried that Yuffie will be a bad influence on Richiese.

(Chekhov leaves)

Kafan:  You're too pessimistic.

Yuffie:  I'm sorry I missed this weekend's meeting, but I had a really busy weekend.

Richiese:  I have a favor to ask you.  I was hoping you could come to the Wutai Mafia headquarters sometime this week.

Yuffie:  Hmm... well I'll think about it.

Richiese:  Please, Yuffie, I want you to be there this time.  I was bored for the entire summer.

(The bell rings)

Richiese:  I need to ask, could you hand this in for me?

(Richiese hands Yuffie her homework)

Yuffie:  Yea, sure.

(Richiese fades into the shadows)

(Everyone runs into the class room)

Lenore:  Ah... school starts too early.  But it's not as bad as it was at that academy.

Kafan:  I trust you all worked on your projects over the weekend.  After all, we wouldn't want to be doing everything at the last minute, would we?

(Everyone but Kafan laughs)

Kafan:  Yes, well, today we shall quickly review the war of 15 years ago.

Judith:  Bullshit...

Kafan:  What?

Judith:  Nothing.

Kafan:  Judith giving me problems?  That's a new one.

(Yuffie raises her hand)

Kafan:  Yes, Miss Yuffie?

Yuffie:  Oh!  Why do we always only learn about short term history stuff?

Kafan:  Miss Yuffie, what is the meaning of this question?

Yuffie:  I couldn't help but notice that our history never goes much farther back than 100 years.

Kafan (getting annoyed):  Well, if you can find the records of the world a century ago, we'd be glad to let you enlighten us!

Yuffie:  Yeesh.  Don't have a cow...

Kafan:  .... I'm sorry.  Something seems different here.  Now where were we?

Judith:  We were learning bullshit.

Kafan:  MISS JUDITH!  If you can not show some respect and...

Judith:  Bye!

(Judith leaves while Kafan's mouth is still open to speak)

Kafan:  Well now!

Yuffie:  Wow, Judith seems pissed.

Shake:  She's in deeper trouble than you, now!

Yuffie:  I'm not in trouble!

Kafan:  Everyone be quiet!  Judith, keep the class calm while I go talk to her... wait.  Nathan, you do it!

(Kafan leaves)

Nathan:  Woohoo!

(Nathan runs up to the front of the class)

Nathan:  I'm the teacher now!  For our first lesson, we shall learn about how Mario defeated Bowser and saved the Princess!

Yuffie:  Cool!

Shake:  The hell?

Marel:  Ha ha... Mario.

Nathan:  Ah screw it!  Class dismissed!  You can all cheer me now!

(Everyone cheers, then runs out of the class)

Yuffie:  EEEEEK!  Kafan's right outside!

(Everyone runs back in)

Nathan:  Well that sucked.

Lenore:  Someone go ask her what's going on.

Yuffie:  Yea, sure.  I'll do it.

(Yuffie walks up to Kafan)

Kafan:  She's gone.  Judith must have had a bad weekend or something.

(Kafan turns around)

Kafan:  I've decided to give you all a chance to make up that quiz you missed, then.  Maybe that's it.  Miss Judith is such a perfectionist.

Yuffie:  Ugh....

Kafan:  Miss Yuffie, I expect you to study for this one!

Yuffie:  But...

Kafan:  You need to improve, Miss Yuffie.  You can't be a great leader of Wutai with B grades!

Yuffie:  Yes I can!  But if it really means that much to you, I'll study really hard for this quiz.

Kafan:  Good.  I would like you to get a good start this year, for once.

(Nathan peeps his head out)

Nathan:  Um... can I dismiss the class now?
 
 
 
 
 

Shake:  Ha ha ha!  Um, no, I find that highly doubtful.

Yuffie:  Hey!  I can get good grades if I try!

Shake:  You keep thinking that!

Yuffie:  Hmph!  I'll show you!

(Yuffie takes out her books)

(Yuffie walks over to her house and starts studying)

Yuffie:  Stupid Shake.  I'm perfectly capable of getting good grades on my own!

(Yuffie stops studying)

Yuffie:  Aw crap!  I just remembered that there weren't many books on the war.  How the heck am I supposed to study for this quiz?  Hmm.

(Yuffie exits her house)

Tiamat:  Wait!  You can pick up your restore materia in that drawer over there!

Yuffie:  I didn't have one already?

Tiamat:  I don't think so.

(Yuffie re-enters her house, gets her restore materia, then exits again)

Yuffie:  Dammit, now I'm going to have to go around asking every npc for help again until I finally figure out what to do!

Staniv:  Hey, Yuffie!  What's wrong?

Yuffie:  I need some sort of text book so I can study for a stupid history quiz.

Staniv:  You're studying now?  I love it!  Well, I had some journals on the war, but Judith was using them last I checked.  You could drop by my place and find them in that dusty old library with all those nasty possessed books that always try to eat you.

Yuffie:  You had a book on the stupid war all this time?!?  Why didn't you tell me!?

Staniv:  You never asked!

Yuffie:  Hmph....

(Yuffie heads over to Staniv's house and enters it)

Yuffie:  Why doesn't anyone ever lock their house doors anymore?  It's like they WANT you to come in or something!

(Yuffie looks around Staniv's very neat house.  Everything is organized perfectly, although there are some playboys in a nearby bookshelf)

Yuffie:  I..... I didn't need to know that.  Now where the heck is the dumb library?

Tiamat:  As a note, those playboys are for research purposes only!

Yuffie:  Uh huh, suuuuuuure....

(Yuffie picks one of the playboys off the shelf.  The shelf moves aside to reveal a hidden passage)

Yuffie:  Staniv is a real wierdo, isn't he?

(Yuffie enters the library.  A nasty mean book with teeth latches onto her head)

(Yuffie rips it off and slams it to the ground)

Yuffie:  OW!!!!

(Yuffie makes her way through the library of possessed book creatures)

(Yuffie walks over to a big book and it opens up.  An ugly apanda named Byblos pops out)

Byblos:  Hiya!  I'm the evil book demon, Byblos!  I'm special!

Yuffie:  Cool!  What do you do?

Byblos:  I entice little girls to get dragged into books forever!

Yuffie:  That doesn't seem very nice!

Byblos:  Well too bad!  Wanna read my book?

Yuffie:  Okay!  Hey.... wait a minute!

    Byblos smacked Yuffie with his really sharp claws.  Yuffie counter attacked with her shurikan, then set Byblos on fire with her fire materia.  Byblos then sang a charm song that charmed Yuffie, who spun around and threw her shuriken in the air, resulting in it coming down and slamming her on the head.

Yuffie:  Yeouch!

Judith:  A little too engrossed in our reading, aren't we?

Yuffie:  Shaddup and help me out here!

Judith:  Ah... such an idiot.  Well, this monster has been annoying me too, so I guess it's up to me to get rid of it.

    Judith enchanted her sword with fire while Yuffie casted cure on herself.  Byblos then smacked Yuffie with a magic hammer, draining her MP.  Judith slashed Byblos with her fire sword while Yuffie used her greased lightning move on him.  Byblos then made the pages of the book turn really quickly, smacking Yuffie with the aging status.

Yuffie:  OMIGAAAAAWD!!!  I have grey hair!!!  What the hell?  Fix it!

Judith:  I don't know how to cure that!

Yuffie:  AAAAAAAAH!

    Yuffie's stats decayed into nothingness while Byblos blasted her and Judith with some wierd blue fire spell.  Judith then powered up her fire sword and sent flames smashing into him, setting his book on fire.  Byblos slammed his claws into Yuffie, sending her and her now nonexistant defense to the ground.  Judith reluctantly used a phoenix down on Yuffie, but Byblos just killed her again when she was recovered.

Judith:  .....

Yuffie:  Aw dammit!  I HATE it when they do that!

(Judith slams her fire sword into Byblos, reducing him to ash)

Byblos:  I'm melting!  Meeeeeeelting.... meeeeeeeeeeeeeeelting.....

(Byblos melts back into the book as Yuffie gets up)

Yuffie:  Whew!  Hey, thanks!

Judith:  Incompetant fool.

Yuffie:  Harrumph!  You try getting hit with a status ailment that you've never seen before!  It's not nice!

Judith:  Whatever.

Yuffie:  Hey, can I have Staniv's war journals?  I need it to study for the quiz tommorow.

(Judith hands Yuffie the journal, then leaves)

Yuffie:  Thanks!

Judith:  Does it matter?  You'll never be worth anything anyway.

Yuffie:  What the hell is wrong with you?  I don't go around commenting on how you're an obsessive perfectionistic freak that still isn't as great a ninja as me, do I?

Judith:  Say what you will.  But you can't deny that you aren't suitable for being the leader of Wutai.

Yuffie:  I am, too!  And to prove it, I'm going to ace that stupid quiz!

Judith:  Ignorance is bliss.
 
 
 
 

(Outside Staniv's house)

Yuffie:  Stupid Judith... I'll show her!  She's even more annoying than Shake now...

Staniv:  Ah ha!  You found out that my imitation playboy magazine opened up the secret passage!  Good work!

Yuffie:  ......

Staniv:  Here!

(Staniv hands Yuffie his war journals)

Yuffie:  Huh?

Staniv:  These are the censored versions!  The ones that Kafan will test you on.

Yuffie:  YOU HAD THESE ALL ALONG?

Staniv:  Well, yea.  But hey, all in good fun, eh?

Yuffie:  ARGH!

(Yuffie grabs the censored version of the journals and stomps away)
 
 

(Back at Yuffie's house)

Yuffie:  Well, time to get to work!

(Scene of Yuffie reading and writing and taking notes as the chocobo clock in the background ticks away)

Yuffie:  I'll show her!  I'll show everyone that I can be great, too!

(Thought bubble appears above Yuffie's head with a bunch of stick fighters stabbing each other)

Yuffie:  Hmm...

(Yuffie looks at the censored journals, than the uncensored ones)

Yuffie:  Wow!  These two books are almost completely different from each other.  But Staniv said that Kafan was testing on the censored version, although the uncensored seems more accuarate...

(Yuffie reads some more)

Yuffie:  Must.... continue... boring... studying....  Must... not fall asleep...  Hmm.  This is really really boring!  How the hell does Judith put up with this crap?  But I can't stop now!  I refuse to be a screw up for the rest of my life!

(4 hours later)

Yuffie:  Ungh... my head feels cramp.  This is actually pretty different from what I've experienced on that time trip, but who am I to judge?  Well, better turn in so I'm awake for tomorrow!
 
 

(The next day)

Chocobo Clock:  Get up, wark!  Time to get up!

(Yuffie smashes the Chocobo Clock)

Chocobo Clock:  WAAAAAARK!

Yuffie:  Oops, sorry.

(Yuffie puts the clock back together)

Yuffie:  I'm going to ace that quiz easily!
 
 

(Kafan's classroom)

Kafan:  No looking at each other's papers.  Follow proper testing procedure.  Answer questions to the best of your knowledge and good luck!

(Kafan hands Yuffie a quiz paper)

Judith:  Hmph.

(Yuffie looks at her paper)

Yuffie:  Here goes!  I'm going to ace this quiz!

(Yuffie's head blanks out)

Yuffie:  Uh oh.

(Yuffie can't remember anything)

Yuffie:  Wait!  I'm sure I knew this...

(Yuffie looks at the question)

Yuffie:  Who was the hero at the battle of the Ruby desert.  Well, I'm always being told that it was Garrant Kaishack, but then again Fresca told me it was Staniv... but what about Staniv's wierdo sister that killed a bunch of people?  But then again...

(Yuffie writes down an answer off the top of her head)

Kafan:  Time is up.  Hand in your papers.

(Kafan picks up Shake's paper)

Kafan:  Hmm...

Shake:  I know I got 100% so ha ha!

Kafan:  No, you only got a 99% this time around.

Shake:  WHAT?!?  A pox on you and your stupid quizzes!

(Kafan picks up Yuffie's paper and looks at it, then frowns)

Yuffie:  I... I did okay, right?  I studied really hard for this!

Kafan:  Miss Yuffie, you did... somewhat dissappointing...

Yuffie:  Gawd!  But how could I do badly?  I studied for this damn thing!

Kafan:  Well, it's only a C... not as bad as those D's, F's, E's, and Z's you normally get at the beginning of the semester...

Yuffie:  C?!?  That can't be right!

Kafan:  Um.... C is average at least...

(Yuffie grabs back her paper and starts looking at it while Kafan takes Judith's paper.  Kafan has a shocked look on her face after she looks at Judith's paper)

Kafan:  Miss Judith!  I'm not even going to bother to grade this!  This is even worse than Miss Yuffie's paper!

Judith:  Only because it's the truth!

(Judith leaves)

Kafan:  !!

Shake:  Is it me or does Judy seem pissed off recently?

Yuffie:  WHO CARES?  How could I do this....

(Yuffie puts her head down on her desk as Kafan walks up to Chekhov)

Chekhov:  Things don't seem to be going as planned.

Kafan:  I don't understand it.

Chekhov:  I'll get Staniv to check on his niece.

Kafan:  Poor dear Yuffie.

(Kafan looks at Yuffie, who's angrily tearing her paper to shreds)

Chekhov:  Failed again, huh?

Kafan:  She tried so hard this time.

Chekhov:  Kafan, This year, I think you'll have to tutor her earlier.

Kafan:  Earlier?

Chekhov:  Yuffie needs to get her grades up if she is to be a respectful leader.

Kafan:  Yes... I guess I have been kinda neglectful.

Chekhov:  Don't blame yourself.  You've managed to keep her average above the C level so far.

Kafan:  Sometimes, I feel like I've failed, though.

(Kafan looks at Yuffie, who is angrily injecting her paper with numerous infectious diseases)

Chekhov:  Well, it's not that big of a deal.

Kafan:  I think Marai would have done a much better job of taking care of her.
 
 
 
 

Nathan:  Well, a C isn't THAT bad...

Yuffie:  .....

Nathan:  You'll pull it up.  You always do, with Kafan's help.

Yuffie:  .....

Nathan:  Hey, did you visit the Mafia Headquarters yet?

Yuffie:  Well, if I didn't visit it yet, I'll drop by later, ok?

Nathan:  Whatever.

(Nathan leaves)
 
 

(Yuffie's house again)

(Yuffie puts her head down on her study table)

Yuffie:  How could I do this?

(The screen slowly scrolls up and a fady little flashback appears)
 
 

Godo:  Zzzzzzz....

(Yuffie, who's about 13 years old, runs in)

Yuffie:  Dad!

Godo:  Zzzzzzz *snort* HUH?

Yuffie:  My report card came in!

Godo:  Oh great.  Failed, huh?  Hmph.  I knew that you wouldn't be able to pull out when I got your interim report.

Yuffie:  No way!  I managed to pull a B in my chemistry and history class because Kafan helped me figure it out!  Isn't that cool?

Godo:  B's?  And you needed Kafan's help again?

Yuffie:  Come on, dad!  I worked really hard for this.

Godo:  .......Whatever.  I'm going back to sleep now.

Yuffie:  Screw you!  I'm going out with Lenore, Richiese, and Irene!  I don't need this!  You never appreciate anything I do!

Godo:  .......

(Yuffie leaves as the screen scrolls back down)
 
 

(Teary eyed,Yuffie looks up from her desk)

(Knocking at the door)

(Yuffie opens it and looks at Kafan)

Kafan:  Good afternoon, Miss Yuffie.  I've come to help you with your lessons again.

Yuffie:  This early?  Chekhov usually doesn't send you in until I'm muck deep in bad grades and the semester is halfway over.

Kafan:  Well, maybe Chekhov really wants you to get really good grades this time around.

Yuffie:  Really?  Just like her to always impose impossible expectations on me...

Kafan:  Perhaps it's because she cares about you and wants you to be as successful as you can be.

Yuffie:  I guess...

Kafan:  So, shall we begin?  Have a seat, then.

(Yuffie takes out a chair)

Kafan:  Miss Yuffie, have you been eating?

Yuffie:  Huh?

Kafan:  I am constantly worried about you living on your own like this.  And lately, you've seemed...

Yuffie:  I got a job at the Turtle's Paradise Bar.  I'm doing fine.

Kafan:  Hmm... well, I brought a rice package for you anyway.

Yuffie:  Um, thanks.

(Yuffie thinks for a moment)

Yuffie:  You know, history would be easier if we actually had some books about it.

Kafan:  Documents were lost during the war.  But I still have my notes on it.  Of course, I would have preferred that you take down your own notes in class.

(Kafan takes out her notes and begins going over them with Yuffie)

Kafan:  You know, Miss Yuffie, you have a lot of potential.  Your father is only always angry with you because he knows that you can be so much more.

Yuffie:  Dad!?  Dad hates me!  He believes that I'm completely worthless!

Kafan:  He does not.  Your father cares a lot about you.

Yuffie:  Oh really?  Uh huh, that explains a lot.  Like why he never gives a damn about me whenever I leave Wutai, or why I'm not even legally an adult yet but still living in a house on the other side of town from his!

Kafan:  Miss Yuffie!  It wasn't always that way.  You too have changed since then.  Don't you remember how much your father cared for you when you were young a long time ago?  But you eventually became too rebellious for even him to handle.  He doesn't think you are worthless or anything of the sort.

Yuffie:  You think so?  I doubt that.

Kafan:  You just need to put in more effort, I'm sure.  You can be great if you work at it.

Yuffie:  I didn't seem to do much better on that last quiz.

Kafan:  You still did better. You're improving.  I'm sure that you'll make a great leader when the time comes.

Yuffie:  I'm not sure...

Kafan:  I know you will.

(Kafan looks at her notes and points some stuff out to Yuffie)

(Kafan looks at her watch)

Kafan:  Well, I shall have to tell you later.  I'll be taking my leave for now.  I have to prepare for Stilt's lessons.

Yuffie:  Yea...

Kafan:  And for crying out loud, get something new to wear.  You've been wearing that Hunter X outfit for 3 years now.

Yuffie:  It's cool!

Kafan:  I'll never understand people these days.  Everyone dresses like a freak now.  Just like how Edrick made those stupid clockworks...

Yuffie:  Freak?

Staniv's voice:  Hey Kafan!  Chekhov told me that I could find you at Yuffie's!

Kafan:  What is it?

(Kafan exits the house with Yuffie following her)

Staniv:  I could have sworn that I just saw Cervas.

Kafan:  Cervas?  She's deactivated now.

Staniv:  Yea, but I'm almost sure it was her.  But she casted that damn Quick spell and dissappeared before I could figure out what was going on.

Chekhov:  At least she didn't do that whirlwind thing she always does when she casts Quick.

Staniv:  Psh.  There were ways to defend against that.  But I'm too old to go see what's up.

Chekhov:  No you're not!  Stop complaining, you idiot!

Staniv:  Bah.  I wish I could sleep in all day like Lord Godo.  Now THAT'S the good life!

(Chekhov smacks Staniv)

Chekhov:  Go and stop Cervas NOW!

Staniv:  Sheesh!  How annoying, making me go back and defeat someone who I already defeated 15 years ago.  Oh well.

(Staniv turns around and looks at Ylluroko, who's stares angrily back)

(Pause)

Staniv:  Oooooookay, this isn't right.  Do I know you?  You look familiar...

Ylluroko:  Ah ha!

(Staniv flies back at Ylluroko's yell in his face)

Ylluroko:  Sir Staniv Wachisnam!  We meet again!  Time hasn't treated you well, it would seem!

Staniv:  What the hell?  I remember now!  Ylluroko?!?

Chekhov:  Ylluroko?  Cervas?  Saki?  Nari?  Karda?  Maslow?  Phil?  Wha... what's going on?

Phil:  Hello!  I'm Phil!

Staniv:  Time hasn't treated me well?  Holy shit, it looks like you didn't age at all!  Which is wierd, since by now your corpse should have become something really rotten and disgusting.

Ylluroko:  Har har har, what a sense of humour that you've managed to retain.

Staniv:  Karda?  Maslow?  You look even younger than when I defeated both of you!

Karda:  Ah, let time ruin my looks?  I don't think so!

Maslow:  Es de magika!

Staniv:  Hmm.  Well that explains it.  But Nari, I thought you...

Nari:  I had a revelation.  I'm fighting on the right side now.

Chekhov:  Hmm... seven against three....

Staniv:  Oh yea, we're in for a real ass whoopin now.

Chekhov:  Well, Kafan?!?  Talk to them or something!

Kafan:  Ylluroko, stop this madness right now!

Ylluroko:  Huh?  Who the hell are you?

Kafan:  You don't recognize me?

Staniv:  Well now, this really really SUCKS.

Kafan:  Miss Yuffie, get out of here.

Yuffie:  But...

Kafan:  Go now!  Staniv knows what he's doing!

Yuffie:  Gawd!  By the time I come back, you'll all be dead!

Kafan:  We'll be fine.  I might not be much of a fighter, but they still won't be able to win.  Go get help.

Yuffie:  "We'll be fine."  Oh yea, like I didn't hear that in every RPG or video game then those "we'll be fine" people get killed anyway.  Sheesh!

(Yuffie runs off)

Chekhov:  Well, now what?  Any good ideas?

Staniv:  Well if he doesn't recognize you, Kafan, then tell him who you are!

Kafan:  This must be a case of amnesia.  Ylluroko, I'm Kafan!  You remember me, right?

Ylluroko:  Kafan?  You?  But... you're so...

Maslow:  Old?

Staniv:  See?  Told you I was too old for this!

Chekhov:  Shut up!

Ylluroko:  Not old!  Although she does look significantly older.

(There's a flash, and for a brief second you can see Ki Ra Yo smiling in the background)

Ylluroko:  Ah ha!  Now I know... you have forgotten!  How could you forget what they did to you?  Don't you remember how they killed your family?  How they...

Lar's Voice:  Ruined your life.  How the gods destroyed everything you ever held dear simply because they found it to be boring?  They...

(Flash of Ki Ra Yo laughing)

Ylluroko:  toyed with you like a storybook!  Like a simple toy to be used, abused, and thrown away when not needed anymore.  They don't care about you or anyone else, they just...

(Flashback of Lars talking to young Kafan)

Lars:  care about their own profit and entertainment.

(Flash back to real world)

Staniv:  Oh crap.

Chekhov:  What?

Staniv:  This three on seven is about to become a two on eight.

Chekhov:  You mean one on eight!

Staniv:  What?

(Staniv turns around and sees that Chekhov ran away)

Staniv:  Hmm, she's a smart gal.  Wish I thought of that.

Maslow:  Kill the heathen!

Staniv:  AAAAAAH!  LOOK OVER THERE!  The gods are ready for the wipe!

Everyone:  Huh?

(Everyone turns around and Staniv runs away)

Ylluroko:  After him!

(Everyone except Kafan runs after Staniv)

Kafan:  Hmm.

(Kafan walks after them)
 
 
 

(Yuffie runs up to Godo's house and slams on the door)

Yuffie:  Dad!!  DAD!

Godo's voice:  WHOA!  What the hell?

(Godo opens up the door)

Godo:  @$#$ing can't even get some sleep nowadays without these damn door to door salesmen coming over to harass me and... oh, it's you.

Yuffie:  Dad... there's a big fight in the middle of town and Staniv, Kafan, and Chekhov need help!

Godo:  Um... who are they fighting?

Yuffie:  The eight light warriors!  Er, well, seven.

Godo:  Um, what's the eight light warriors?

Yuffie:  They're eight guys assembled to kill the gods!

Godo:  Uh huh.  Yea, right.  Can I go back to sleep now?

Yuffie:  DAD!

Godo:  Fine, whatever.  Time to get my sword, Good Old Mother $&#*er, out of the closet.
 
 

(Yuffie drags her father by the arm over to the front of her house, only to see Chekhov kneeling by Staniv on the floor)

Yuffie:  NOOOOOOOOOOOO!  And Kafan's missing!!!

(Staniv looks up)

Staniv:  Whoa!  You don't need to scream so loud!  It's just a broken back!  Not that big a deal!

Chekhov:  Kafan left to go get some remedies.

Staniv:  Ha ha ha!  I laid out my can of whoop ass on them!

Chekhov:  Psh.

Staniv:  Fear my wrath, woman!

Chekhov:  Shut up!

Yuffie:  Um... what happened?

Staniv:  I beat them all!  That's what!  Why, if they didn't kick my ass all over the area and beat me down to a pulp, I would have killed them all for the second time!

Chekhov:  Whatever.  The only reason you're still alive is because you do a damn good job of playing dead!

Staniv:  Well, I am getting too old for this.

(Chekhov slaps Staniv)

Chekhov:  But you know what, this is bad.  The fact that you were beaten so badly shows that the gods aren't with you anymore.

Staniv:  They were with me in the first place?  I always felt like I was their lackey or something.

Godo:  What the hell is going on here?

(Chekhov and Staniv look at Godo)

Chekhov:  AI YA!  Nothing!

Staniv:  Nothing at all!  Why don't you go back to your house so you can finish your nap?

Godo:  Whatever.

(Godo leaves)

Staniv:  Can't someone else do it?  Where's Judith?  I think she would do a great job of taking up the Wachisnam tradition of unappreciated world saving!

Chekhov:  Judith dissapeared!  I couldn't find her right after that quiz.

Staniv:  Drat.  Then, Yuffie will have to save the world!

Yuffie:  Me?  Save the world?

Chekhov:  Yuffie?

Staniv:  Well, she's the only one here right now, isn't she?

Yuffie:  But... what can I do?

Staniv:  You must first earn the approval of the gods by passing a series of tests at Da-Chao mountain!  Yuffie, only you can save the world!  Now I'm off to a better place...

Yuffie:  Staniv!!!  NOOOOOOO!!!

(Staniv gets up)

Staniv:  Yep, off to the hospital!

(Staniv leaves)

Yuffie:  What?

Chekhov:  Idiot... well, whatever.  I'll just play along and get you over to the testing grounds.  Or else I'll have to hear him ramble on how it's MY fault that those guys are running amok again for not taking you there.

(Chekhov drags Yuffie away by the ear)

Yuffie:  Ow ow!
 
 

(A valley below Da-Chao mountain.  Gorky and Chekhov arrive with Yuffie)

Gorky:  Oh this is so exciting!  Miss Yuffie become the heroine that saves the world?

Chekhov:  We're all going to die.

Yuffie:  Cool!  I get to be a hero!

Chekhov:  It's not cool.  Trust me.  It's all cosmetic, really.

Gorky:  Whatever the case, I think Lord Godo would be very proud of Miss Yuffie if she were to pass this!

Chekhov:  Well?  What are you waiting for?  Get going!

Yuffie:  Whoa!  Right!

(Yuffie runs ahead into an open field as this happy music starts)

(Fresca appears)

Fresca:  Ho there, Yuffaruni!  I am your instructor today, the lovely magnificent assistant to Da-Chao!

Yuffie:  OMIGAWD!  Not you again!

Fresca:  The next series of tests you are about to undertake shall determine if you are worthy for the gods to give a damn about!

Yuffie:  Um, why do I have to pass this again?

Fresca:  You just do!  So shut up!  We shall first test your agility.  Your first task is to dodge one hundred specks of dust!  Whenever you fail to avoid one, you shall be punished!

Yuffie:  Oh joy.  Wait... specks of dust?  What the hell?

Fresca:  GO!

(Yuffie looks around)

Fresca:  I said you have to dodge them!  Not just stand there and let them slam into you!

(Fresca zaps Yuffie with a lightning bolt)

Yuffie:  AAAAAAAAH!

(Yuffie starts running around)

Fresca:  Ha ha ha!  Oh, that's so funny!  You couldn't dodge a speck of dust if it was holding still!  You're running into all of them!

(Fresca zaps Yuffie with another lightning bolt, but Yuffie dodges it)

Fresca:  Hey!  No fair dodging your punishment!

Yuffie:  Yea, whatever, bitch.

(Fresca angrily tries to zap Yuffie, but she quickly runs past all the lightning bolts until a bell chimes)

Fresca:  Oh!  That's one hundred specks of dust!  This test is over!  Now you'll have to get on that see saw there to advance to the next test!

(A seesaw appears)

Yuffie:  Huh?

(Yuffie jumps on one end of the see saw.  Fresca throws a big pumpkin onto the other end, sending Yuffie flying high into the air)

Yuffie:  Whoa!

(Yuffie flies past and misses the platform that she was supposed to land on, then splats back onto the ground)

Fresca:  Oops, have to work on my aim a little.

(Fresca spirits Yuffie up to the platform)
 

Fresca:  Now we shall work on your shurikan skills!  You must pop fifteen floating balloons!  If you miss with a toss, then you shall be severely punished!

Yuffie:  Oh joy.

(A balloon floats up and Yuffie throws her shurikan at it, popping it)

(Another balloon rockets around the area like a suicidal seagull at the night of a full moon)

Yuffie:  Hey!  That thing is moving so fast that I can't see it!  No fair!

Fresca:  Life isn't fair!  Deal with it!

(Yuffie tosses a shurikan but misses.  Fresca then zaps her with a lightning bolt)

(Yuffie tosses a shurikan at Fresca that stabs into her)

Fresca:  Hey, what's the big idea!?

(Fresca quickly flies to the side, but Yuffie hits her with another shurikan.  Fresca tries to dodge Yuffie's constant barrage, until Yuffie finally hits her 15 times and a chime sounds)

Fresca:  OUCH!  Hey!  The test wasn't to hit ME fifteen times!

Yuffie:  Oh well!  Can we move on?

Fresca:  Yeesh!

(Fresca waves her wand and a huge pumpkin plant grows up, picks up her and Yuffie, and takes them to the clouds)

(Yuffie and Fresca land on a cloud)

Yuffie:  Wow!  We're high up!

Fresca:  Now we'll have to see your swordsmanship skills.

Yuffie:  Swords!?  I don't have a sword!

Fresca:  You can use this Murasame sword I have.  I never use it anyway.  In fact, I don't even know why I have it in the first place!

(Fresca hands Yuffie the Murasame)

Yuffie:  Gee, thanks.

Fresca:  Now you must slash away twenty cloud monsters!

Yuffie:  There aren't any punishments in this test, are there?

Fresca:  Not that I know of.  GO!

(A cloud flies over to Yuffie.  Yuffie swipes at it, but the sword passes right thru it because it's a cloud)

(A lightning bolt flies from the cloud and zaps Yuffie)

Fresca:  Smack me with my own sword and I will throw you off this cloud and laugh as you become a jello pudding cup.

Yuffie:  Can we have something more solid than clouds?

Fresca:  Whatever.

(The moon slams into Yuffie)

Fresca:  Well?  You're supposed to slash it away!

Yuffie (Crushed under the huge moon):  Oh gee, I didn't know that!

Bahamut:  What the hell?  What is my planet doing this close to earth?

(The moon flies away and a chime rings)

Fresca:  Whatever!  Now we shall move onto the final test!

(The cloud dissappears)

Yuffie:  ....

(Yuffie falls all the way down to the ground where she lands on a mattress... with an anvil under it)

Fresca:  Now you must fight a boss!  I went through a lot of trouble to get this boss for you!  It wasn't easy sneaking into the gods' closet to get this one out, so you'd better appreciate it!

(Yuffie looks at this huge pumpkin)

Yuffie:  A pumpkin?

Fresca:  I like pumpkins!  They're funny!  I got this one from the Secret of Mana closet!

Yuffie:  Secret of Mana?

Fresca:  Ah never mind.  Not like the version where this boss came from ever came to the U.S.

Note from Tiamat:  Stupid Square...

Fresca:  Now GO!

(Yuffie fights the evil pumpkin boss that spits pumpkin seeds and attacks with a bunch of vines flying out of the ground)

(Yuffie hands Fresca a pumpkin pie)

Fresca:  AAAAAAAH!  You KILLED IT?  NO!  My lovely pumpkin!  And now the gods are going to be pissed at me!  Hey, this pumpkin pie is pretty good.

Yuffie:  Am I done now?

Fresca:  Oh yea.  Here's your diploma and your license to kill!  Have fun!  Oh, and here's a special lightning ball that you can use for throwing if you have your "throw ball" ability set on.  Now hold a celebration so you can feed your own ego.  Bye now!

(Fresca spirits away)
 
 

(Yuffie runs back to Gorky)

Gorky:  You passed?

Yuffie:  Yep!

Gorky:  This is great!  This calls for a celebration to feed everyone's own egos!

Yuffie:  Woohoo!  But where's Chekhov?

Gorky:  She left to go get the god's approval  Oh, to think that Miss Yuffie might have been selected by the gods to save the planet!  We should get the celebration ready!  Let's go get Lord Godo.

(Yuffie and Gorky head to Godo's house and Yuffie enters)

Yuffie:  Dad?

(Godo is practicing his mad skillz on a training dummy)

Godo:  Huh?  How many times do I have to tell you to knock on the door?

Yuffie:  Last time I did, you thought I was a door-to-door salesman that was trying to harass you!  But anyway, I passed this super trial and now the gods want me to be a hero that saves the planet!

Godo:  Huh?  Trial?  Gods want someone to save the planet?  What the hell?  Wasn't it already saved?

Yuffie:  That's what I thought, but I guess something new and evil rose up again so I get a stupid "epilogue fan fic" to cover it!

Godo:  Oh.

Yuffie:  We're celebrating this!  I really want you to come for once!

Godo:  Hmm... still don't get it.  And why the hell would the gods choose you?  They must have be really stupid!

Yuffie:  Come on, dad!  For once in my life, the gods are appreciating me!  You'd better be there!

Godo:  Yea, whatever.  I'll be there.  Just give me a moment.

Yuffie:  Remember, dad!  You promised.

(Yuffie leaves)
 
 

(Chekhov enters this hidden shrine)

Chekhov:  Here again.  Darn gods.  First Staniv, now Yuffie.  Something must be wrong with their screening process.

Woman's echoing voice:  Who do you think you are, to insult the gods?

Chekhov:  Uh oh!  Dia, the original omni goddess.  It was just some of my stupid mortal banter, that's all!

(Dia, another woman with green hair, who wears a green cape and has a fluffy circular hairstyle, appears.  Along with Shtar and Tina)

Dia:  This is a forbidden place.  You are only to come here under the most important of circumstances!

Chekhov:  Well, Tina and Shtar did mention that the gods were looking for another hero, so I guess I got one.

(Tina yawns)

Tina:  We don't need another one.  I still don't see why we don't just wipe the damn planet.  It bores me so.  We're behind schedule as it is!

Shtar:  There are still some things going on.  We aren't finished yet.

Dia:  Yes, I suppose we could use someone to occupy the light warriors again, although just for a little while.

Chekhov:  What's all this talk with wiping the planet?

Dia:  It's nothing.  Tina is just in a bad mood.  But who do you have for us?

Chekhov:  Er...... Yuffie.  We're all going to die.

Tina and Shtar:  THE BRAT?

Tina:  I can't believe it!  She's not a hero!  She's just a side character who's purpose is to add some non storyline related flavor.

Shtar:  Quiet, Tina!  You don't know what you're talking about!

(Shtar whispers to Tina)

Shtar:  Not while someone else is here!

Tina:  Sooorry.  Does it matter?

Dia:  We could always humour her a little.  Fine, Yuffie Kisaragi is fine.  You may be on your way now.

Chekhov:  Many thanks!

(Chekhov leaves)

Chekhov:  Yes, there certainly MUST be something wrong with their screening process.
 
 
 

Shake:  Hey, what's with all the decorations?

Gorky:  We're celebrating Miss Yuffie's inaugaration as the next hero of the planet!

Shake:  Hero of the planet?  What the hell is that?

Gorky:  It's a person chosen specifically by the gods to stop something so threatening that it threatens the gods, themselves!

Shake:  Why the hell didn't we choose a hero of the planet when that stupid meteor was falling down on us?

Gorky:  Because... um, gee, I don't know!  But I'm sure the gods had a good reason!

Lenore:  I thought everything was over when we ditched Genmari back in time.  Guess there's always another big catastrophe waiting around.

Marel:  Maybe it's just me, but why the heck is there always something really big and evil threatening the planet?

Lenore:  To tell you the truth, though, I kinda feel sorry for Genmari right now.  He wasn't that bad a guy back in school.  I guess in the end he just became overcome by greed.  But I wonder why Niel, Vivian, and Michael chose to join him.

(Yuffie and Kafan come up)

Yuffie:  Where's dad?

Gorky:  He's not here yet.

Kafan:  What?  That's not right!  Even Lord Godo wouldn't miss something like this.

Yuffie:  .....

Kafan:  He's probably just late.  He'll be here, I'm sure.

Yuffie:  Hey Nathan, do you know where Richiese and Stilt are?

Nathan:  Not here, that's for sure.  But you can't blame Richiese.  She wasn't invited.  Dunno about Stilt.  And Judith isn't here, either.

Yuffie:  Psh.  I bet Shake hid Stilt's invite just to piss me off.  And Judith probably didn't come because she's jealous, like always.

(Chekhov runs up)

Chekhov:  Oh I see, we're celebrating this now?

Gorky:  Why not?  This is a great turning point in Miss Yuffie's life!

Yuffie:  It is?  This is all happening so fast!

Chekhov:  Whatever.  I'll just recite something stupid and get this over with.

(Chekhov grabs Yuffie and drags her onto the platform)

Chekhov:  We are gathered here today to celebrate the fact that the gods were drunk enough to decide that Yuffie is fit to save the planet!  Hooray!

Everyone:  Hooray!

(A bunch of cute Wutai girls wheel Staniv's bed up to the platform.  After they stop, they feed him some grapes)

Chekhov:  Ugh.... and here's the original hero, Staniv.

(Yuffie walks up to Staniv)

Chekhov (sarcastic):  Still injured, huh?

Staniv (eating a grape handed to him by a cute Wutai girl):  Yep!  In fact, I think it's serious!  I'm probably going to die, then Miss Yuffie will have to be my successor.

Chekhov:  You don't look like you're dying to me!

(Staniv quickly starts coughing and pretends to be dying)

Staniv:  Ooooooh....

Chekhov:  Ooooooh SHUT UP.

Staniv:  My poor broken neck!

Chekhov:  I thought it was your back that was broken!

Staniv:  Oh.  Oops.  Well... er... that is to say, my neck was broken too!

Chekhov:  Your neck was broken.

Staniv:  Yes!

Chekhov:  Your neck was broken yet you are still alive and able to talk.

Staniv:  Um... Yes!

Chekhov:  Why do I bother?

Staniv:  Show some respect for the dying!

Chekhov:  .......

Staniv:  Yuffie, come closer.... I have one last piece of advice to give you before I possibly leave this world forever...

(Yuffie leans over Staniv)

(Staniv opens his mouth)

Staniv:  Life's a bitch.  Drink it up!

(A girl feeds Staniv another grape then they wheel him away to... um... die?)

Gorky:  Now that's good advice!

Chekhov:  .......

Yuffie:  Where's dad?!?  I can't believe him!!  He promised he would be here...

Kafan:  Now Miss Yuffie, I'm sure your father has a reasonable explanation.

Yuffie (sorta teary eyed):  Yea... and it's that he doesn't love me at all.

(Chekhov walks up to Kafan)

Kafan:  How could Godo do this to dear Yuffie?

Chekhov:  Ouch!  Guess he cared about her even less than I expected...

Yuffie:  Screw you, dad!
 
 
 

(Yuffie arrives in front of her house, quite annoyed, dissappointed, and sad)

Cloud:  Yep!  Wutai, the perfect vacation resort!

Tifa:  That's what you said about Costa Del Sol and the Golden Saucer!

Cloud:  That's what I thought until your fat uncle came along to bug us there!

Tifa:  CLOUD!  How dare you!

(Tifa slaps Cloud)

Cloud:  Ouch!  Well, he IS fat!

Tifa:  Cloud, please don't talk about my uncle that way.  My parents are gone.  He's the only family I have left.

(Cloud doesn't respond because he's an uncaring jerk)

Cloud:  Uh oh, I think I see him down the road.  Quick!  We need a place to get away from him.  But Wutai doesn't have a hotel or inn.  Which is strange, since you'd think a tourist country would have a hotel and inn.

Tiamat:  How many times do I have to tell you that Wutai doesn't have an inn because you could sleep at Godo's house for free?!?

Yuffie:  You two seem to be having problems.

Tifa:  Yuffie!  Um, could we ask you a favor?  We need a place to stay for the night.

Yuffie:  Um...

Tifa:  Thanks!

(Tifa grabs Cloud and dashes into Yuffie's house)

Yuffie:  Dammit!  Why the hell did I leave my door unlocked?

(Yuffie enters her house)

Cloud:  Whew!  Tifa's fat ass uncle will never find us here!  Finally, some privacy!

Tifa:  CLOUD!  That does it!

(Tifa slaps Cloud)

Tifa:  You get to sleep on the couch tonight!

(Tifa stomps away to the other room)

Yuffie:  Umm.... that's... the basement.  Whatever.

(Yuffie closes the door to the basement)

Cloud:  .....

Yuffie:  Aw, I'm sure she's not that mad.

Cloud:  We haven't had a moment of privacy ever since our wedding.  As soon as our honeymoon started, HE came along... and now he's been following us everywhere!

Yuffie:  Why don't you just tell him to stop?

Cloud:  You know how Tifa feels about him, what with him being the only relative she has left.  I'm exhausted!  I couldn't get a moment's sleep since he's always dragging us around to late night casinos and other stuff.  I need sleep...

Yuffie:  Well, I don't have a couch, or even a bed.  All I have is my sleeping mat over there.  You can use that.

Cloud:  Thanks.  But a sleeping mat?

Yuffie:  Well, I suppose I could spruce up my house a bit, but it isn't easy for me.  I'm only sixteen, yet I'm already living alone because I couldn't stand being with my EVIL dad!  But I did recently have my friend Nathan install an electricity system for me.

(Yuffie flips a switch and turns on and off the one lightbulb in the room)

Cloud:  Cute...

Yuffie:  Nathan did a lot for me.  He designed that falling cage device that I trapped you with:)

Cloud:  Hmm.

Yuffie:  Just recently, I had him make the cage motion triggered, and he even sound proofed that basement door for me so I wouldn't have to listen to my victims whine!  Isn't that neat?  Er.... nevermind.

Cloud:  Sigh... Tifa...
 

(The basement.  Start Yuffie's joke music)

Tifa:  Dammit!  I just realized that this is the basement and we're in Yuffie's house.  But if I go back up there, it will be like I'm admitting defeat and that it's ok for him to insult my long lost uncle like that.  Yea, my uncle is annoying, but that gives Cloud no right to talk about him like that!

(Tifa wanders up to the cage device)

Tifa:  Hmm... this looks familiar.

(The cage slams down and traps Tifa)

Tifa:  Crap.
 
 

Tifa screaming:  CLOUD!  YUFFIE!  Someone!  Get me out of here!

(The sound is muffled by the sound proof door)

Cloud:  Did you hear something?

Yuffie:  Nope.

Cloud:  It must be because I'm tired.  Good night.  Oh, but is it okay if I set the alarm clock for really early in the morning?  That way, maybe we can get away from Tifa's uncle while he's sleeping.

Yuffie:  Sure.

(Cloud lies down on the mat and falls asleep)

(Everything is calm)

Yuffie:  ....

(Yuffie looks at Cloud)

Yuffie:  Boy, something seems damn ironic here.

(Yuffie sighs then walks up to her window and looks outside.  She then turns around and looks at Cloud again)

Yuffie:  Ha ha ha.  You really have your life cut out for you, huh, Cloud?

(Yuffie walks up to Cloud and kneels down by him, then smiles)

Yuffie:  You and Tifa always fight like this?

(Yuffie looks back to the window then sighs again)

Yuffie:  ....... but my life sucks.  At least someone cares about you.

(Yuffie starts twirling Cloud's hair while smiling and looking up)

Yuffie:  Aaaaa, the married life.  Do you like it, Cloud?  You seem to be fed up with it already.  You and Tifa are now married, always getting into fights, and then she sends you to sleep on the couch.  Hahaha...

(Yuffie looks down on Cloud, twirls his hair a little longer, then starts crying)

Yuffie:  Oh Cloud.... why?  You and I should be married!  I'm the one who should be getting into fights with you!  I'm the one who should be sending you to sleep on the couch!  Why?

(Yuffie wipes away her tears)

Yuffie:  Why?  I know why.  I guess I'm not the right one for you.  You and Tifa must really love each other.  Yea, that must be it.  You don't love her because of her ridiculous looks, provocative attire, or how she's always throwing those "hints" at you.  You must love her because there is a special bond between you two that I'll never understand.

(Yuffie resumes twirling at Cloud's hair, lost in thought)

Yuffie:  I think there is a lot in common between us, Cloud.  Both of us were never loved, both of us were always alone.  Both of us are usually quite ignoring of other peoples' feelings.  But in the end, you were able to rise above it all.  Even though you completely ignored Tifa, even though you went beserk on everyone, even though you didn't cry when Aeris died, people still liked you.  So I guess the similiarities ended there, huh, Cloud?  Everyone hated me.  All I did was steal your materia for a second, unlike you who almost killed Aeris.  Everyone still hated me.  But... maybe things will be different now.  I'll be heading off on my own adventures soon.  Maybe then people will finally get to like me.  Maybe then I will finally fall in love with someone who will love me back.  So I won't get in between you and Tifa.  I refuse to!  You two love each other, and I don't want to come between that.  As if I could...

(Yuffie stops twirling Cloud's hair and looks down at him again)

Yuffie:  You would never have guessed, Cloud.  That's just like you.  You couldn't figure out that someone loved you even if they gave you a big valentine card screaming, "I love you!"  Even during that night at the Golden Saucer, you never even thought of it.  You just followed me blindly like a mindless zombie.  You couldn't even figure out that Tifa loved you until the very end.  I don't see what I love about you, Cloud.  But I guess there didn't need to be a reason.

(Yuffie kisses Cloud on the cheek)

Yuffie:  I love you, Cloud.  Once again, you won't say anything.  But this time, I know why.  So I won't slap you for it.  But you don't need to worry about me anymore.  If my adventures are anything like yours, by the time I'm finished, everyone will love me no matter how much of a jackass I am!  Goodnight.

(Yuffie pauses)

Yuffie:  Hmm... Yoink!

(Yuffie steals Cloud's deathblow materia and smiles, then walks up to the switch and turns out the light)

(Silence in the darkness)

Yuffie:  I just realized.  Where the hell will I sleep now?!?
 
 
 

(Very early dawn)

(Lenore and Marel are at the top of Da-Chao mountain watching the sun rise)

Lenore:  Isn't it beautiful?

Marel:  Yea.

Lenore:  The rising sun of Wutai.  It's worth getting up so early to see!

Marel:  Zzzzz....

Lenore:  Hey... what was Yuffie's hero celebration all about, anyway?  Any idea what the big evil is, this time?

Marel:  No clue.

Lenore:  Oh well.

(Lenore looks down the mountain and sees Judith, Richiese, and Stilt.  Stilt is a very tall male teenager who wears a tan karate suit and has straight spiked hair.  He is also has some sort of imitation cigar in his mouth all the time)

Richiese (voice is soft because they are far down):  I don't like it!

Stilt:  This is what we do.  It's our job.

Richiese:  I don't think Yuffie will appreciate us trapping her father in there.

Stilt:  We are doing this to Yuffie's father, not Yuffie.  Besides, we both know that they are always fighting, anyway.

Judith:  We need to check on him, one last time.

(Richiese dissappears as Stilt and Judith enter the Da-Chao cave)

Marel:  Um....

Lenore:  Should we tell Yuffie?  This doesn't seem like it's my business.  We usually try to keep away from each other's affairs.

Marel:  She did try to help us take on Genmari.

Lenore:  You're right!  You go get help.  I'll go get Yuffie.

(Marel and Lenore leave in opposite directions)
 
 

(There is a knocking on Yuffie's door for a good while until Yuffie finally wakes up and opens it)

Lenore:  Hey, Yuffie...

(Lenore looks at Cloud sleeping across the room)

(Lenore blushes a deep red)

Lenore:  Um.... am I interupting something?  (Holy crap!  Guess she didn't need my help after all.  Eeeeeeeek!)

(Yuffie looks at Cloud)

Yuffie:  Cloud and Tifa are staying the night because Wutai doesn't have an inn.

Lenore (slowly stops blushing):  OH!

Yuffie:  Tifa angrily locked herself downstairs.  So, what's up?

Chocobo Clock:  WARK!  Wake up!  Wark!

(Cloud smashes the Chocobo clock)

Chocobo Clock:  WAAAAAAAAARK!

Cloud:  Oops, sorry about that.

Yuffie:  Whatever.

(Cloud looks at himself in the mirror)

Cloud:  DAMN STATIC ELECTRICITY!  It's going to take me days to comb my hair back to its spiky glory!  How the hell did it get so twirled up?

Yuffie:  Oops...

Cloud:  Better get Tifa so we can get out of here before her uncle comes along.

(Cloud goes downstairs, and looks at Tifa who's asleep in the cage.  He then flips the lever, bringing the cage back up and sighs)

Cloud:  She's so mad at me that she would rather lock herself up in a cage than deal with me.

(Back upstairs...)

Lenore:  Yuffie, I think your father is in trouble.  Judith has him captured or something in Da-Chao mountain.

Yuffie:  What?

Lenore:  Aren't you going to rescue him?

Yuffie:  .......I guess I should.  But those damn bats that infest Da-Chao mountain during the late afternoon to night are still awake right now!  It's too early.  But I can't just leave my stupid dad there.

Lenore:  Well, I did my duty and told you where your father was.  So I'll get on with my own life now.

(Lenore looks at Yuffie)

Lenore:  ......ah whatever.  I'll help you save your dad.  It's the least I could do, since you tried to help me out.

Yuffie:  Thanks!

(Lenore and Yuffie leave Yuffie's house as Da Cha Lockeheart enters it.  As they head towards the mountain, you can hear Cloud scream angrily)

Cloud:  DAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!!
 
 

(Yuffie and Lenore arrive at the Da-Chao cave)

Yuffie:  Ugh.  This is where I passed the omni trial.  Now I have to get past it again along with some damn bats.

Lenore:  Well, they can't be that bad, can then?

(Lenore and Yuffie enter and a billion bats fly onto Yuffie and Lenore to suck their blood)

Lenore:  AAAAAAAH!

(Yuffie spins around with her shurikan and swipes them all off)

Yuffie:  See?

Lenore:  Where did all these vampire bats come from, anyway?

Yuffie:  Beats me.  I hear that they sneaked in from a bigger vampire cave connected to here.

Lenore:  Yeesh!

Yuffie:  Come on, we have to save my stupid dad.

(Yuffie and Lenore fight through a ton of vampire bats until they reach the place with the omni pot that Yuffie had to touch earlier)

Yuffie:  Hmm... Fresca said it was forbidden to enter that door beyond this pot, but I don't see anywhere else to go!

(Yuffie and Lenore enter the door and are in a big room.  They walk to the center of it)

Yuffie:  What's so forbidden about this place, anyway?  Didn't she say something about water of eternal life?  I don't see any water.

(Judith, Richiese, and Stilt walk into the room.  Judith closes the door)

Judith:  You...

Yuffie:  Judith!  Stilt!  Richiese!  What's up?

Judith:  I'm... sorry, Yuffie.

Yuffie:  For what?

Judith:  I can't.  I can't on good conscience let the Kisaragi rule Wutai anymore.

Yuffie:  Huh?

Judith:  It was your father's incompetance as a ruler that let Wutai lose the war and kept Wutai as the pathetic tourist trap it is, now!  And the future for Wutai doesn't look too bright with you being the next leader.  I can't allow Wutai to crumble anymore from the poor leadership of the Kisaragi.  I can't.  I am sorry, but I must eliminate you now.  Stilt, Richiese...

Yuffie:  Stilt?  Richiese?

Richiese:  I can't fight Yuffie!

Judith:  Wasn't the WM supposed to engage in activities like this?  Especially for pay?  You have to!

Stilt:  Eliminate?  That's a little harsh.  And it wasn't in our contract.

Judith:  Well, just give them a savage beat down then.

Stilt:  We expect more pay for this.

Yuffie:  Guys, seriously!  You wouldn't do this just for money?

Stilt:  It isn't THAT big a deal, is it?

Judith:  Look, just SHUT UP and let's take them on!

Lenore:  You can't take us down that easily!

    Richiese jumped behind Stilt then faded away while Judith enhanced her sword with the psychic attribute.  Lenore held up her sword and blasted Judith with a holy light while Yuffie threw a lightning ball, which flew into the air and sent lightning bolts down onto Stilt.  Richiese quickly jumped out from behind Stilt while he was getting zapped and stabbed Yuffie in the back with her claws.  She then jumped behind Stilt and faded away again.  Stilt ran up to Yuffie and did a roundhouse kick.  Judith slashed Lenore with her katana.  Yuffie ran up to Stilt and slashed him with the murasame, but Richiese quickly jumped out and counterattacked Yuffie while Stilt was being hit.  Stilt then raised his arm and pointed at Yuffie.  Richiese quickly dashed in front of Stilt and slammed her claws into Yuffie, then faded away as Stilt followed up with a jump kick.   Lenore casted cure2 on Yuffie as Judith enchanted her sword with the dark attribute.  Yuffie then unleashed her All Creation limit break, blowing Stilt away while slamming Judith hard against the wall.  Richiese quickly jumped out of Stilt's shadow and slashed Yuffie, but couldn't fade away because Stilt was down.  Judith attacked Lenore with her dark sword while Richiese dodged Yuffie's shurikan and casted a dark bomb spell which exploded on Yuffie.  Lenore then shot Richiese with her gun, seriously injuring her because she doesn't withstand much as Yuffie slammed her shurikan into Judith.

Judith:  You've proven that you're competant in battle, at least.  But Godo was also a great warrior, and Wutai is still a worthless vacation resort.  If I can't kill you, I can at least get you out of my way.  I think Wutai would do much better with Wachisnam leading it than Kisaragi, don't you?

Yuffie:  Um... well, you do get better grades, but this is still wrong!

Judith:  I always thought you were against tradition.  But when it comes to tradition allowing you to be leader, you become a hypocrite and accept it.  But I will not accept it.  It's time for the Wachisnam dynasty to step forward and make Wutai into the great country that it once was!

(Judith flips a switch near the door and a big hole opens up under Lenore and Yuffie)

Lenore:  Hmm.  Any idea where that trap came from?

Yuffie:  Nope.

(Yuffie and Lenore fall down the hole)

(Richiese and Stilt walk up to it)

Richiese:  I told you it was wrong!

Stilt:  I hope she's okay... where does that hole lead?

Judith:  Who cares?  As long as she's gone!

Richiese:  What have I done?

Stilt:  Don't worry!  She'll be back.  This is Yuffie we're talking about.
 
 
 

(Yuffie and Lenore land near a river)

Yuffie:  I'm starting to get used to falling from very high places.

Lenore:  Hey!  Isn't that your father?

(Yuffie and Lenore run up to Godo, who's asleep on the floor)

Yuffie:  Dad!  Wake up!

Godo:  Huh?  Oh!  It's about god damn time that you showed up!

Lenore:  What happened?

Godo:  Soon after my worthless daughter left, I was jumped by her three friends and dragged here!  I figured that you'd be smart enough to figure out that I was missing, but I guess I was getting my hopes up!  $@#$@#.....

Yuffie:  Dad!

Godo:  Hmph.

Lenore:  Um, any ideas how to get out of here?

Godo:  I was hoping you'd bring help and someone could let down a rope for me to climb up, but it looks like you've screwed that up too, and are now stuck with me.

Yuffie:  Shaddup.

Godo:  Well, there's a raft over there across the river, but the river leads to an underground cavern far away from Wutai.

Yuffie:  Guess we'll have to take it then.

(Yuffie, Godo, and Lenore look across the river)

Yuffie:  I'll get it!

(Yuffie prepares to wade across the river)

Godo:  No, you idiot!  It's full of hungry pirahnas!

Yuffie:  Oh.  Well then, any ideas?

Lenore:  You could always take that slimy looking bridge.

(Yuffie and Lenore run across the slimy bridge to the other side.  The slimy bridge then slithers off into the lake)

Lenore:  Whoops!  That wasn't a bridge... that was some really big river snake!

(Yuffie and Lenore look across the river at Godo)

Godo:  WELL?  What the hell are you waiting for?  Get the raft over here!

(Yuffie and Lenore jump on the raft and release it, but the after released the rapids quickly sweep it past Godo)

Yuffie:  Dad!

Godo:  ARGH!  YOU IDIOT!

(Godo runs after the raft)

Yuffie:  Jump and catch my hand!

(Godo jumps and grabs onto Yuffie's hand, but her fingers slip and Godo slams into the water.  A ton of pirahnas jump out of the water then back in to where he fell)

Yuffie:  Oops.... uh oh.

(Godo quickly catches up to the raft by swimming fast as hell and climbs on.  He's beat up from all the pirahnas)

Godo:  What the hell is wrong with you?!?

Yuffie:  ME?  You're the one that... um... didn't run fast enough!

Godo:  You moron!

Yuffie:  You stupid jerk!

Lenore:  Um... I think the pirahnas are still hungry.

(A bunch of pirahnas jump and bite onto Godo, who quickly throws them off)

Yuffie:  Damn dad...

Godo:  ......

(Yuffie, Godo, and Lenore fend off the pirahnas until the raft reaches a clearing and the pirahnas stop coming)

Godo:  Stupid pirahnas!

Lenore:  Um... I don't think they left because of us.

(Yuffie and Lenore notice something slither by in the water)

Yuffie:  Great... snakeboy's back.

(A huge red leviathan (ogopogo) bursts out of the water and causes a wave to slam onto the raft)

Lenore:  Ouch!

  Yuffie, Godo, and Lenore fight Ogopogo, who uses wave attacks, dives under the raft and enjoys grabbing one of them in his mouth and chewing real hard.  Yuffie's lightning balls and Godo's trine spell quickly electrocutes Ogopogo but all three of them are beat up by the wave attacks.  Ogopogo soon sinks under the water and doesn't surface again.

(Yuffie falls down on the raft while Godo sits near the water)

Godo:  Now see what you've done?  By crossing that bridge, you irritated that stupid snake and got us all into trouble.

Yuffie:  ........

Godo:  Why the hell do you always have to screw up?

Yuffie:  ........

Godo:  And you didn't even bring any materia home from your stupid little trip!

Yuffie:  ...........

Godo:  Hello?

Yuffie:  I.... I can't do anything right.  You were right, dad.  The gods were stupid to choose me.  I never accomplish anything.  I'm just a screw up that annoys everyone.

Godo:  .......

Yuffie:  Judith was right, too.  I would have made a terrible leader of Wutai.  I would have led it to its ruin.  Because I'm an incompetant fool who couldn't even pass a stupid history quiz even when I studied really hard for it.  I'm sorry, dad.  Sorry that I couldn't be the good daughter that you wanted.

Godo:  ...Well, it's not like I MEANT anything I said.

Yuffie:  Yes you did!  You're just saying that now because you feel sorry for me!

Godo:  That's not true!  I just... I... It's because I know deep down in my heart that I'm the real failure.

Yuffie:  W... what?

Godo:  I couldn't win the war, I couldn't keep Wutai from degenerating into the pathetic piece of crap that it is now, and I couldn't protect your mother from some stupid beast that wasn't even sent to kill her...

Yuffie:  ......

Godo:  I'm the one who's the disgrace!  But instead of taking it like a man and dealing with it, I instead spend all my days just sleeping away doing nothing to make things better and unleashing my self hatred onto my daughter.

Yuffie:  .......

Godo:  We didn't always fight like this.  With Marai gone, you were the only one I had left.  I suppose I did a terrible job as a parent.  Instead of blaming you for never following rules, I should blame myself for becoming too protective of you and spoiling you.  It had gotten to the point where we fought each other so much that I finally realized that you were better off on your own.  But living alone with nothing to do has left me a bitter man.  Left with nothing except memories, I guess all of my stored self hatred finally decided to come out.

(Ogopogo pops up from behind the raft)

Ogopogo:  Surprise!

Lenore:  Does this thing ever give up?!?

(Ogopogo sends a huge wave slamming into the raft, sending it flying through the air)

Yuffie:  OMIGAAAAAAWD!

Lenore:  AAAAAAAAAH!!!

(The raft crashes upside down into the river...)
 
 
 

The river silently flows through a huge underground cavern...

(Godo comes out of the river holding Yuffie with a bunch of pirahnas biting onto him)

Godo:  GET OFF ME, YOU STUPID TEETHY FISH!

(Godo slams the pirahnas onto the ground then puts Yuffie down as Lenore walks up to him)

Lenore:  It looks like we made it.

Godo:  Hmph.

Lenore:  Where are we?

Godo:  We're in another world, hidden from our world above.

Lenore:  Oh.  Guess we have to get out of here, then.

Godo:  You and Yuffie should go on without me.  I'll follow my own path.

Lenore:  You're not coming with us?  You're deserting your own daughter?

Godo:  No.  It's just that we don't work well together.  She's much better off without this pathetic excuse for a father.  But make sure she gets this.

(Godo hands Lenore a materia)

Godo:  All we ever do is fight.  It wouldn't work out for me to come with you.  I shall get back to Wutai on my own and set things right.  Please help her out until she gets back.

Lenore:  I will.

Godo:  Well, time to be shoving off!

(Godo walks away.  After he dissappears into the distance, Yuffie wakes up)

Yuffie:  Ow... we... made it?  Where's dad?

Lenore:  He left.

Yuffie:  Of course.  He has his own things to do.  He doesn't care about me.  Come on.

Lenore:  Well, he left you this materia, at least?

Yuffie:  Dad's prized Enemy Skill materia?  Of course, the only spell it has is trine... but... it was his favorite...

(Lenore looks up.  The ceiling is sooo high that you can barely see it)

Lenore:  An underground world?

Yuffie:  Time to get going!