(Staniv is looking in the window)
Staniv: Hey! Goodnight, everyone!
(Staniv leaves)
Yuffie: Hey, dad! Read me a bedtime story!
Godo: ZZZZZZZZZZ.....
Yuffie: Drat. Hey, Chekhov?
Chekhov: What the hell do you want?
Yuffie: Read me a bedtime story, please.
Chekhov: No way! I'm tired! I'm going to bed!
Yuffie: Pleeeeeeaaaaase?
Chekhov: NO!
Yuffie: WAAAH! NO ONE EVER READ ME A BEDTIME STORY IN MY WHOLE LIFE! WAAAAAAHHH!!
(Yuffie's high pitched whining destroys Chekhov's ear drums)
Chekhov: ALL RIGHT! GEEZ!
Yuffie: *smiles*
Chekhov: Let's see... Once upon a time there was a wonderful kingdom. Filled with beautiful
trees, running rivers, and wonderful songbirds.
Yuffie: Wow...
Chekhov: Then one day, THE DEMON CHILD WAS BORN!!! This evil child drove the wonderful
kingdom of Wutai to ruin through her nasty evil ways and ended up driving pretty princess
Chekhov insane! The end!
Yuffie: ......
Chekhov: Goodnight.
(Chekhov leaves)
Yuffie: Damn, that story sucked.
Family Fun
By James Chang
Chekhov: She did it! She did it again! I can't believe it!
Staniv: Shake get stuck in the toilet plumbing again?
Chekhov: No! Yuffie! She stole my magic plus materia and my quadra magic materia!
Staniv: So, what else is new?
Chekhov: My point, exactly. What is wrong with that girl?! She always does things like this.
She's been a pain ever since she was born.
Staniv: What Yuffie suffers from is a psychological problem. Years of always being put down
by her own family have caused her to steal from everyone because she wants attention and has
low self-esteem. Spend some time with her. Be nice to her. And you will find that she can
be nice to you in return.
Chekhov: ........ THE HELL WAS THAT? Where did you get that garbage?
Staniv: Gee, I dunno. Maybe it was a devine revelation given to me by the great god, Da-Chao.
Chekhov: Why would Da-Chao give YOU a divine revelation? I thought that was my job.
Staniv: Yeah, your right. I was probably drunk when I said that.
Chekhov: Still, you have a point. This is all Godo's fault. If he did a better job of
raising Yuffie, she wouldn't be like this.
Staniv: Well, you can't really blame Godo. I mean, think about Yuffie's life. Her mother is
gone, her father sleeps all day, everyone calls her a materia stealing bitch, Shake constantly
puts her down with remarks that she's a brat and a bimbo, a majority of Wutai wonders how Godo
could get such an hideous daughter (although a select enlightened few doesn't think she is), her
home country was crushed in a war while she was young, and you, her only possible role model,
look down on her and treat her like dirt. Oh yeah, and don't forget the fact that her only
true love never acknowledged her feelings and married another girl right in front of her face.
Chekhov: Your point being?
Staniv: I think Godo should spend some quality family time with her. Maybe you should, too.
Chekhov: What will we do?
Staniv: Wutai is a resort town! It has lots of things for you to do! Take her fishing, or
golfing, or something.
Chekhov: Fine. If it'll stop her from stealing, I'll do it.
(Later, back at the Main Pagoda)
Godo: ZZZZZZZZZZZ.....
Chekhov: Come on!
Yuffie: I don't wanna! Leave me alone! I have better things to do.
Chekhov: Well, too bad. It's about time you do something else besides play Final Fantasy all
day and steal things!
(Chekhov drags Yuffie out of the pagoda by her ear)
Yuffie: OW OW OW OW!
Chekhov: You too!
(Chekhov lugs Godo out)
(Later, at the Wutai fishing lake)
Godo: ZZZZZZZZZZZ......
Staniv: Ah, fishing, the ultimate form of relaxation.
Chekhov: Well, I got the bait. Only the finest worms in Wutai.
Yuffie: My bait is better.
Chekhov: Really? What is it?
Shake (from Yuffie's bait box): HELP! Get me out of here!
Yuffie: Secret.
Chekhov: Oh.
Staniv: Well, you're boat is ready.
(Yuffie puts on her fishing cap)
Yuffie: Come on!
(Yuffie and Chekhov jump on the boat)
Staniv: URGH!
(Staniv tosses Godo onto the boat)
(Later, on the middle of the lake)
Godo: ZZZZZZZZZZZ.....
Chekhov: (Damn, I feel stupid)
Yuffie: (I wonder if Chekhov found out that I stole her magic plus materia, yet)
Chekhov: Hey, a bite!
(Chekhov reels in a fish)
Chekhov: Cool! I caught a koi! (medium sized fish generally found in Asian waters)
Yuffie: Cool! I caught a saphire weapon! (large sized weapon generally found in Junon waters)
Chekhov: ?!
(Later, back at the docks)
Godo: ZZZZZZZZZZZ... Bushido Blade Power..... ZZZZZZZ.......
Staniv: So, how did it go?
(Yuffie plops a big dead saphire weapon in front of Staniv)
Staniv: Woah! So I guess it went well, then.
(Chekhov, carrying Shake, jumps out of the dead saphire weapon's mouth)
Chekhov: NO, IT DID NOT GO WELL!
(In anger, Chekhov slams Shake down to the ground)
Shake: OUCH!
Staniv: Well, there are always other things to do.
(Later, at the Wutai golf courses)
Godo: ZZZZZZZZZZZ.... Materia...... ZZZZZZZZZZ....
Chekhov: Dear god. Yuffie and golf? I'm dead!
Staniv: No you're not!
Chekhov: Yes I am. Yuffie will probably end up slamming the golf ball into my head.
Yuffie: Okay, I'm ready!
(Yuffie shows off her golfer's cap)
Chekhov: Yeah, yeah. Let's get this over with.
Chekhov: Four!
(Chekhov slams the golf ball right next to the hole)
Chekhov: Not bad. I'm a pretty good golfer.
Yuffie: Pastromi!
(Yuffie slams the golf ball and gets a hole-in-one)
Chekhov: EH?
Staniv: Hey, that's pretty good!
Chekhov: #$&(@)$&@)($@>.....
(Later, at Wutai Resort Cruises)
Godo: ZZZZZZZZZZZZ.......
Yuffie: I'm having the time of my life!
Chekhov: #$(&@)&#$()@#!......
Staniv: Well, why not go on a cruise boat, yet?
Yuffie: Wha, what?!
Chekhov: Dear god, no!
Staniv: Sure!
Yuffie: I get boat sickness!
Staniv: Boat sickness?
Chekhov: Sea sickness is when your not out to sea.
Staniv: Oh. Like car sickness!
Yuffie: What the hell is a car?
Staniv: It's some kind of counfounded Shinra contraption designed to run rebels over and flatten
them.
Yuffie: Wierd.
(Chekhov and Yuffie get on the boat. Staniv throws Godo aboard)
Godo: *thump!* ZZZZZZZZZZ.....
Staniv: Hey, Chekhov, you don't look so well. Boat sick?
Chekhov: Nothing to fear! I, in my superb genious, have packed 99 tranquilizers! That's
enough to calm even the queesiest of the blubber whales!
Staniv: Whatever.
Yuffie: URK! GAGH!
Chekhov: Yuffie, however...
Yuffie: Give me some!
Chekhov: NO!
Yuffie: YES!
Staniv: She'll probably steal it from you anyway.
Chekhov: NO WAY!
Yuffie: YOU BITCH!
Chekhov: WHAT?!
Staniv: Ouch. Chekhov is mad, now.
Chekhov: You immature little brat! I'll kill you!
Staniv: Hey, why don't we all look at the beautiful rising sun of Japan.... er... Wutai?
(Staniv calls their attention to the wonderful sun set)
Chekhov: The sun is setting, you idiot!
Staniv: Oops.
Yuffie: I HATE THIS!
(Yuffie pukes all over Chekhov)
Chekhov: ......... THAT'S IT! I've had it with this stupid family fun crap! YOU ARE AN
ANNOYING LITTLE BITCH, AND YOU ALWAYS WILL BE! GOODBYE!
(Chekhov leaves)
(Chekhov falls off the ship and splashes into the freezing cold water)
Yuffie: ....... Sheesh! Why is she always in such a grumpy mood? I was having a great time.
Staniv: What Chekhov suffers from is a psychological problem. Years of always being hounded by
her own family and never appreciated have caused her to isolate herself from everyone else and
thus shun people. Spend some time with her. Be nice to her. And you will find that she will be
nice to you in re
(Chekhov slaps Staniv)
(The next day)
Yuffie: Hey, is Chekhov in?
Staniv: Yeah. She's asleep.
Yuffie: Can she play a game of basketball with me?
Staniv: I don't think so. She's tired.
Yuffie: Oh.
Staniv: Ah well.
Yuffie: Hey, Staniv, here's her magic plus materia back. Make sure you give it to her.
Staniv: Sure.
(Yuffie leaves)
Chekhov: Well, your plan was at least a LITTLE successful.
Staniv: Yeah.
Chekhov: HEY!
Staniv: What?
Chekhov: That brat didn't give me back my quadra magic materia!
Staniv: .........
(Meanwhile)
Godo: YAAAAAAAWN.
Gorky: Ah! You're awake!
Godo: Wow. For the first time in my life, I feel perfectly rested!
Gorky: Of course you do (you worthless blob of couch potatoes!)
Godo: WHAT?!
Gorky: Nothing.
Godo: But you know, I'm in a good mood today!
Gorky: Why is that?
Godo: I got Chekhov's keeeewl quadra magic materia.
The End
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