I like to labor under the belief that I’m a pretty good writer. The one thing that I have a hard time with, though, is writing about myself. See…if I’m not sure what I want to convey – you know, if I’m not sure how I feel about something – then it’s really hard for me to come up with much to say. I don’t spend a lot of time trying to describe myself to people, so I’m not sure what I should tell.

I suppose I could start by giving up some of the things about myself that aren’t apparent upon first meeting me. I come off kind of quiet and collected to people who don’t know me. In fact, quite the opposite is true. I’m a pretty small woman but – man – I can be loud. I also have a couple of other traits that I've heard people refer to as "intense."

I don't really know if I'd call myself intense, but one of the first things people say about me is that I'm competitive. With at least that much, I'd have to agree. I don't really compete with other people on purpose, but I get really chapped if someone else does better than I do...at anything. It's important to me to be the very best - absolutely the best - at everything I apply myself in. It's not that I don't want other people to shine. I do. Truly. I expect other people to try really hard and I expect for them to get credit when they've earned it. It's just that...I expect myself to be better than everyone else most of the time - especially if I can see that I should be or that I could've been. This competitive drive feeds a couple of other "traits." First, I am an unabashed perfectionist. Everything I do must be done right, and it must be presented in an aesthetically pleasing way. The piles must be straight, the pages must be in order, and none of the corners can be mussed up. In the end, it should be not only orderly and correct...but it should also look good. Take it or leave it, that's me.

Another part of me that comes from my need to be the best is a quality that my mother calls "meat-eater syndrome." Here's the story behind that: There are two kinds of people in this world. The first kind of person is classified as a "grass grazer." Grass grazers are the kind of people who find complete fulfillment in lying down in a meadow to dutifully graze upon the grass that was planted by someone else and provided for their sustinance. They believe in the system. They work within the status quo. They usually get along well with other people, and they are almost always well-liked, themselves. Change is scary for a grass grazer, because change requires that a person get up from his favorite grazing spot and seek out another. Grass grazers tend to be passive in their pursuits and perfectly content with finding satisfaction inside of a preset standard or set of rules.

The second type of person is a meat-eater. Meat eaters are the sort of people who live for the hunt. They stay hungry a lot because there isn't always prey for the taking...but they'd rather be hungry than stop and eat someone else's grass. Meat eaters rage against the machine. They question whatever system they're in, and they constantly fidget inside themselves, looking for a better way or a better place. Everything they do is done with passion. They are often difficult to get along with. They are often tempermental or moody. Meat eaters don't follow rules - they make them. Meat eaters never settle...and meat eaters are never satisfied. I, as my mother identified early in my life, am a meat eater. I work hard. I play hard. I expect results for effort put out. I am never fully satisfied with any performance of my own, and I am always striving for perfection. I try, every day, to "suck the marrow out of life," and it takes one hell of a blow to knock me down or throw me off course.

I rub certain types of people the wrong way, and that bothers me. I try very hard to be considerate of other people, and I get wounded when people don't like me. The problem is that I have an excess of personality, at times. Ha ha ha. Some people love me. Other people hate me. I've had to learn how to cope with that and I'm still trying to find a way to accept it. Acceptance and resignation are two things that just do NOT come naturally to me...so I may never be able to come to grips with that whole "you can't please everyone," thing. My response to that is always, "well, maybe not...but I can sure as hell try." In suppose that, in general, I would classify my relationships with other people as "amicably disinterested." I want good things for people. I love to see people smile. I truly enjoy the company and conversation of others. I just don't understand them most of the time. I'm different than most of the people I know. I don't think that there's anything wrong with either me or them, necessarily. I just don't meld with most people very well. Consequently, I don't really connect on a personal level to anyone other than my very closest family and friends.

I am fierce in my enforcement of what I believe to be right. Justice is important to me, but I feel that revenge is of little use. I have always known that I am a flawed and hopelessly less-than-perfect person, so when I am wronged or when I witness a wrong...I do all in my power to correct it. If there's nothing I can do about it, then I try to let it go. I feel strongly that it is not my place to punish people. That is a job for the Executive Manager up there in the sky. Don't get me wrong, I do not often "let things slide." I just don't hold grudges very often or allow myself to be consumed with hatred or anger. It's a waste of my time, and it eats away at my own happiness; which is hard enough to come by when there aren't any negative distractions in the way. I am deeply wounded by the cruelty and ruthlessness that I've seen in some people. I can't fathom a decent reason for inflicting pain intentionally. Most people do it just to get ahead or to compensate for their own inferiority complexes. To me, that is the lowest form of weakness. If you don't have the strength to fix yourself, then don't take it out on other people by trying to make them even lower than you. You know?

I judge both people and ideas harshly and quickly. I have standards for myself that are, admittedly, rather severe, and I expect the same degree of vigor in the pursuit of excellence from those around me. I don’t expect people to be perfect, but I don’t have any respect for people who don’t strive to be better than they are. This particular quality doesn’t lend me to the moniker “people person.” I am not a people person, and I find no shame in that. It’s just who I am. Don’t misunderstand me, there. I am not an unkind or rigid person. I'm generous to a fault at times, and I spend a lot of energy seeing to the needs of people around me if I feel that it is in my power to be of use or benefit to them. I want people around me to be comfortable and happy. I care deeply about the welfare of other people. What I don’t do is “baby” people. It’s so important to me to live life to the fullest, and so I can’t even begin to comprehend a valid excuse for people who wallow in mediocrity or for people who see nothing wrong with settling for less than they are worth. Weakness of any sort is my abhorrence. I don't tolerate it in myself, and I can't stand it in other people. Crying, settling, self-pity, and wallowing in jealousy...all that stuff is so counterproductive. I hate it. Passionately. I am and will always be a brick wall about that. No one will ever be able to convince me that any of those things are justifiable on a regular basis. Everyone slips...but that doesn't mean that they should accept it. Repair the damage, learn from your mistakes, and move on.

I am keenly aware of my own mortality. Since early childhood, I have understood that my life was finite. Even as a little girl, I remember feeling an urgent need to hang on to memories and to shove experience in wherever I could…because I knew that I might never have the chance to do it again. There is a hunger inside me because of that quality. I feel that my sense of mortality is one of the most defining qualities I have. That part of my personality has shaped so many other things about me. There is so much beauty and experience in the world, and it's just sitting out there waiting for the people with enough guts to go and get it to come by and drink it up. I don't sit around waiting most of the time. I don't plan a lot of things. If there is something I want or something I need...I try very hard to just get up off my ass and go get it. This doesn't always work, of course. Fear is a condition that I am susceptible to, just like everyone else. I hate to admit that, but there it is. Money also gets in the way of a lot of the things I'd like to do. I have to work for a living just like everyone else, too. Ha ha ha. So…I suppose you could say that I am a person who believes in savoring moments, but not in wasting time. I believe in eating off of the good china as often as you want, but I believe that most formalities are useless and wasteful. I advocate dancing in the rain, playing in the snow, etc. Any type of frolic that involves precipitation is good (except hail…that can hurt). You will always find me being accused of being “simple” or “easily amused.” I wave that like a flag, too. I like that I’m easily amused. I hope for everyone to find true happiness in something as dumb as a chocolate milkshake or as meaningless as putting flowers in their hair.

I'm definitely a tshirt and jeans type of girl. I have always admired women who can be graceful and feminine and "perfect." I just don't have what it takes to do that. I'm too simple, I suppose. I mean, I want very much to be pretty and desireable, etc. But...I just don't have the discipline or a lifestyle that lead to such a sense of style. I love the days when I feel beautiful in an evening dress or whatever...but I'd infinitely prefer a good book by the fire in sweatpants than an evening of dancing in Donna Karan. See what I mean?

I am a deeply passionate and feeling person. My mind and my heart are constantly turning things over. I love and despise with equally reckless abandon. I dream and I hope and I long for so many things. I'm sure that everyone does. I don't often give myself, but when I do it's total. I'm an all or nothing kind of girl. I throw myself into things and into relationships. If I love you...I'll love you forever, and I'll love you with everything I've got. If you cross me, you'll be sorry that you did. If I cross you...I'll never fully forgive myself for being so weak and selfish. If I hurt someone, I'll spend my life trying to fix it. If someone hurts me, I bleed for a long time. So...there are advantages and disadvantages to being so full of sensibility and so short on sense, at times. I don't miss anything good that comes my way, but I don't miss the bad stuff either. It's a 50/50 proposition, I suppose. In the end, though, I would rather regret the things that I've done than regret the things I did not do.

So there you have it. Anyway…I’m really tired of writing about me. There’s plenty of material on the rest of my pages for you to deduce as much as you like about my character…so go ahead. Knock yourself out. Thanks for visiting. I hope you like it.







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