Once or twice in a lifetime, if you’re lucky enough to be paying attention when it happens, a person will walk into your life and change everything. Call it fate or destiny or whatever you want to call it, but that accidental meeting could end up being the most important thing that ever happens to you. That person could end up being the one that makes you see things in yourself that you never knew were there. That person can humble you and lift you up all at the same time. That person could be an integral part of the basic “good stuff” that makes life worth being awake for. I never believed any of that until I met Ashley Nix.

I ran into Ashley online several months ago - quite by accident. From the first time we talked, he made me laugh like I hadn’t laughed in months. I immediately felt at ease while talking to this new person. So…I looked him up again, and my daily life hasn't been the same since. Aside from a weekend trip when I was away from home – there hasn’t been a single day in which we haven’t spent several hours “together.”

I’m not what you’d call a people person. I enjoy the company of others, and I’m even fun to have around in a group setting…but I don’t really dig on meeting new people and “sharing myself.” I don’t normally show people what’s inside me. In fact, there are only two people in this world who could claim to really know me. One is my best friend, Melissa. The other is Ashley.

Ashley doesn’t believe in fate. He doesn’t like the idea that he’s not in control of the events in his life. He likes to believe that his actions and decisions are the only factors that direct his course, and that divine intervention is a figment of the imagination in most cases. He’s kinda stubborn that way, so in order to accommodate this man who has become so important to me, I’ve submitted to calling it “kismet” instead of destiny. However we agree to term it, though, I know that Ashley belongs in my life. I met him for good reason, and he has become, to me, more dear than the English language is equipped to describe.

The most incredible feeling in the world is to know that you’re with someone who gets you – someone who understands who you are without you having to explain it out to them. Ashley gets me. He laughs at me when I need to be laughed at, and he knows how to make me smile without saying anything. There was an almost immediate connection, and for me that’s just not something that happens every day. Like I said, I don’t really know how to be an open book with people but, with Ashley, I never had any choice in the matter. It’s been horrifying at times to hear the things I say to him; all the things inside of me that I just volunteer and give up to him. I can tell him anything. He did that for me. He does that for me. I can give him all of it. The best part is…he knows what to do with it when I give it to him.

A lot of people throw the word “soulmate” around and beat the hell out of it like they do with the word “love.” Those are some serious words, you know? Those words describe some of the most majestic and beautiful pieces of humanity…and yet we carelessly toss them around until they don’t mean much anymore. Well…I believe that Ashley’s spirit was created from the same sort of fairy dust as mine – and if there is such a thing as a true soulmate – he could definitely make me believe in it. He matches me in every way. Apple to my apple, orange to my orange, he understands me and compliments every fiber of my being. I don’t have to talk, but he can hear me. When I hurt, he can feel it. Where I am weak and afraid, he can be strong and confident. I like to believe that I do the same for him. There is this small and special part of me that lights up when he is near and just shuts down when he’s not around. I never knew it was there before he came along, but I like that part of me. Feeling that space open up is an experience that I’m not really sure how to verbalize…but it’s a gorgeous and rare thing. I know it is. There are times when I feel so much for him that I don’t think I can bear it. Happiness in large quantities can be as ominous and overpowering as pain. It happens to me like that with Ashley. I get washed over with so much good, sometimes, that I don’t think I can take it.

For all the good in Ashley, though, I’m so afraid of him that it keeps me from surrendering certain parts of my heart. There is a love inside me somewhere that popped up uninvited and unwanted. I didn’t want a new person in my life and in my heart. I never looked for someone like Ashley, and I wasn’t ready to accept the consequences of feeling this way about someone. That scares the hell out of me because if I lose Ashley; if he goes away someday…it will hurt so much that I don’t think I’d know how to breathe anymore.

Ashley and I call any long and emotional outpouring of melodramatic feelings “hitting enter,” because of the amount of time we spend talking on instant message software. When you write something down, it’s still yours, but once you hit enter…then someone else gets to see what you wrote. My fears come mostly from the fact that I hit enter sometimes…and he never really has. The fear that builds, of course, comes from the idea that perhaps I feel more than he does or – worse yet – more than he ever will. Maybe that’s a silly thing to think, but if he felt more…surely he’d hit enter, right? Ha ha. There is no easy way to deal with fears like that. Spending too much energy on such a fear will invariably push a person away because they will begin to feel a pressure to say something or show something that they are just not ready to express. If you ignore or suppress such a question, then a sort of nasty kind of resentment builds up and spoils everything – leaving the other person wondering what in the hell happened to you. Life is all about putting yourself out there and risking things, but risking your heart…damn, that’s a hard one. It’s also something that I have never been particularly willing to do.

It would be nice if we could choose who we fall in love with. You know, we could make sure that it was someone that wouldn’t hurt us. We could schedule it out to happen at a time when nothing could get in the way. Unfortunately, life and love don’t work that way. It takes a lot of blind leaps to finally come across that one that was worth all the misery and the suffering we had to go through with the ones that came before. I’d like to say that I believe my “one” could turn out to be Ashley. I used to be an optimist like that, but I’m not anymore. So…what I will allow myself to wish for looks more like this than that: I hope that Ashley is always an active part of my life. I hope that this amazing and unique bond we’ve found together is strong enough not to die out and disappear just because I got weak for a while.

I’m so glad that Ashley was in that chat room that night. I wouldn’t trade the time I’ve had with him for anything. He is amazing and vibrant and alive. He has given the last several months of my life a tremendous peace and an incredible warmth. I hope that I end up being able to enjoy that peace and possess that warmth in a beautiful way for a very long time.

So, here’s to those random and meandering kindred spirits that bump into us once or twice in a lifetime. I’ve been lucky enough to find two people who can mean so much to me. I hope for everyone to find such a beauty in human bonds. We are amazing creatures. We just have to stop and pay attention long enough to notice when an Ashley walks through the door. After that, we have to be strong enough and selfless enough to give as much as we receive; to accept the limitations that love can set before us; and to rejoice in the time we’re allowed to spend on this spinning planet…awake, alive, and surrounded by the people who understand what’s inside of us.








The photographs on this page were created using Paint Shop Pro. The text header and accent images were created using a freeware font called, Texas Hero.

The text and images on this page were created by and are the exclusive property of Aspen Lowood and Lowood Online. They may not be taken from this site or copied, in whole or in part, without the express permission of the owner. The webmistress may be reached for question or comment at aspenusmc@hotmail.com.









I’ve been without a computer at home for a long time, now. It’s rare that I come in to see these pages, anymore, and that’s a shame. I read this page again, today, for the first time in several months, and my eyes got heavy with tears (happy ones) while I grinned wide – remembering all the “stuff” I felt way back when I wrote it. So much has happened and changed in my life during the 8 or 9 months since I wrote the preceding essay. Ashley and I are taking that infamous “move to the next level,” and will move in together this July.

In the past two years, so much of my life has changed. It’s become almost too hazy to remember…because I have truly become a different person than the one I was. I look back to two years ago, and I don’t even recognize that woman. It’s like I woke up at some point during late 2000 in somebody else’s body. The girl that lived in my skin up until summer of last year just doesn’t exist, anymore. I don’t really regret that, either. I’m a far more healthy and whole person than she was – even on her good days.

In the last 10 months, there has been only one thing in my life that remained constant, strong, and dependable. That was my friendship with Ashley. He has been here every day. During what ended up being the darkest time in my life (so far, anyway), the one thing that I was able to use for focus – as a beacon that I could keep my course fixed upon – was Ashley. He gave me strength on days when I couldn’t make myself get out of bed. He gave me perspective when I was treating life’s little annoyances like crises. He gave me smiles and laughter when I was so down that I thought I’d never be able to get up again. He gave me his heart when I figured I least deserved to be loved. He shared his own disappointments with me, and showed me that I am not the only person in the world with problems to solve. He stayed when the others left. He was my friend. He was my friend every day, all the time, no matter what.

The way I see life is a whole different movie, now. I know that I’m worth something. I know that I’m beautiful inside and that I’m not so bad on the outside, either. I know that I have choices in life, and I know that I deserve to be proud of the things I’ve been able to accomplish. I don’t think I would ever have found that perspective without Ashley’s love and support. I was so lost and so alone when Ashley and I met. I think that, perhaps, he was lost and lonely, too.

He didn’t just pick up my pieces or “hold me together.” He showed me how to pick up my own damn pieces…and then convinced me that I could do it. As it turns out, I was capable of a lot more than I thought I was. The past year has been especially sad and trying, but it’s also been incredibly productive. I lost a smidge over 70 pounds. I got out of an emotionally damaging and physically draining marriage (that, right there, was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to make myself do). I got a serious promotion at work. I moved into an apartment where I live alone and support myself without help from anyone else (for the first time in my life). I went to the dentist for the first time in a decade. I slowly worked on my fear of spiders (which was truly crippling), and now I can actually deal with them by myself most of the time. I reestablished regular contact with both sets of my parents, and got to know them all better than I had since childhood. I managed to read 23 books from my “required reading before I die” list. I’ve established amazing and surprisingly functional friendships with 4 incredibly warm and independent women (I’ve never had a circle of girlfriends before). I reintroduced myself to God and made some peace with Him (we have civil discussions almost every day, now). I went through all the clothing and “junk boxes” that I’d accumulated over the years and gave away all the stuff I didn’t need or use, anymore (hey, that’s a huge accomplishment). In short, I straightened out my life and I spent some serious quality time with myself. I had never stopped to live for today, and I had never spent too much time putting myself first. I do both of those things, now, whenever I need to.

The truth is, Ashley doesn’t understand how any of this stuff was his doing. He doesn’t accept any responsibility for the good stuff I’ve created in my life, lately. I deserve a lot of the credit for my progress, but Ashley was my leaning post. He was the safe place I came to every day to stay oriented and connected. He was my “something familiar” during all this change. Without his steady and affectionate presence, I honestly don’t think I would have come so far, so fast. He was my partner. I’m so grateful to him for loving me and for seeing the good things in me that I didn’t know about. He says that I have a million “beautiful things” inside me, and that he finds new ones every day. He tells me that I do as much for him as he does for me. I certainly hope that’s true. I love Ashley. He is a blessing in my life, and I’m the luckiest woman alive. I’ve got happiness and a level of self-acceptance that I never dreamed I’d achieve. I earned those things for myself, but Ashley deserves a great deal of credit for helping me get there.

I worried that, as the date for Ashley’s move-in approached (he’s moving from another state), I would get scared or nervous, or want to back out. That hasn’t happened, though. I think that, perhaps, the fear was removed because we’ve taken everything so slowly from the beginning. When we met, there was never any intention of becoming romantically involved, so there was no pressure to “be” anything to one another. There were no facades or lies because we were online and didn’t feel a need to hide or protect anything from each other. We spoke every, single day for more than 6 months before we met in person, so there were no sexual or physical issues to cloud our perspectives on the relationship. We discussed the pros and cons of moving in together for 4 months before any decisions were made. Looking back on the whole thing – from beginning to today – it just couldn’t have gone any better for us than it has. We know why we love one another. We know why we’re so “good together.” We’ve thought it all out. We’ve talked it all out. We’ve been together enough to see it, feel it, and know it in full 3-D Technicolor. *grin*

Being a human is hard. It’s easier if you have a partner. I’ve got a great partner. I told Ashley, once, that we would be invincible together. I think that statement may just turn out to be true.

From the pen of Aspen Lowood
June 14, 2001
6:15 pm, MST