I haven’t met a whole lot of people in this world that I look up to as courageous. I think that maybe I just never really thought about courage as something I should strive for. It just wasn’t really ever a focus in my life before now. I’m realizing, in my 26th year on this earth, that courage is a quality I need to use more often. Most of my weaknesses can be traced to a lack of spine on my part. I give in to fear. A lot. I’m learning to recognize it when I fall down to fear, and I am amazed out how far-reaching the consequences truly are.

I made a list, recently, of all the things in my life that I regret. Regret is something I don’t want to hold on to, so the self-exercise was to write down everything I regret and then burn the list in my fireplace. You know…to “let it go.” I wrote a list of about 35 items. It had all of the things I regret saying; all of the people I wish I had made an effort to know; all of the opportunities that I didn’t take; and all of the sins I wish I hadn’t committed. In the end, I was satisfied that everything I felt bad about in my life was on that list. I read over the list a few times, and it hit me that the core reason I had done or not done most of those items…was fear. Giving into fear of some kind or other is the reason that I’ve done almost everything I’ve ever been ashamed of or dissatisfied with in my life. That was an eye-opener for me.

The Marine Corps has 3 “Core Values.” They are Honor, Courage, and Commitment. The way these 3 core values are explained in USMC literature, they combine to form a “whole person” concept that is true, strong, and upright. If a person possesses all 3 of those qualities, then, in theory, that person will have an upstanding character and be a model citizen. I like that. I think it’s true, too. There is a lot of merit in the honor, courage, and commitment theory. If followed and used as a personal tool, I think it can be extremely useful in self-improvement and goal achievement.

I have no trouble with honor. It’s been whipped into me by my own nature and by my upbringing. I don’t lie. I don’t cheat. I don’t steal. I value my integrity, and personal honor is, to me, one of the most important parts of my character. Commitment is something I didn’t really develop until my early 20’s. I know what it means to persevere. I know what it means to hold an ideal or a goal in front of you and pursue it doggedly – without reserve. Commitment to something is attainable for me if that something is worthwhile in my eyes. So, I don’t have trouble with commitment, anymore, either. Courage, on the other hand – well – courage…I have trouble with.

I care too much what others think of me. I am apt to do the “wrong” thing if I’m faced with the fear of having another person disapprove of me for doing the “right” thing. I am afraid of conflict. I will often bend my own will to match someone else’s if I believe that conflict or argument will be the result of standing my own ground. I’m afraid of spiders. (ha ha ha) Seriously, though, my fear of spiders is ridiculous and crippling; and I think that it’s just a symptom of my weakness in other places. I fear getting my heart broken, so I’ve passed up or overly complicated several chances at real love. I fear failure, so I’ve passed up opportunities to try new and truly great things. I fear rejection, so I’ve avoided the chance to have my writings published. The list goes on for a while. It’s all about fear.

I’ve decided that 2001 will be the year that I discover my own courage. I have the ability to be braver than I’ve ever believed. Somewhere down there, I’m sure there is a reserve of courage for me to tap into. I hope there is, anyway. I’ve already made several decisions that will require a great deal of courage this year if I’m going to follow through on them. First, I’m joining the Marine Corps. Hello, that’s going to take more than just a little bravery and gumption. Second, my marriage is over, and ending it on paper is going to be a scary and strange process full of tribulation and conflict. Third, I’m taking a huge chance with my heart. That has already gotten frightening beyond belief, and I think it will be my first test of courage to stand up straight and suck up the consequences (good or bad) that come when you open up and trust another human being.

I want to be a brave person because brave people don’t miss out on opportunities because of fear. They step up to the plate and dare that pitcher to hit them in the face with the ball. They don’t hesitate or duck when it’s time to swing the bat, and that’s the reason that they always come out ahead. Courage is the ability to feel fear, acknowledge fear, and do it, anyway. It’s the ability to see the path, realize that the path is steep and rocky, but keep on walking forward. I want to learn how to do that.

I have GOT to stop using cheesy metaphors, here, so let’s start a new paragraph, shall we?

Honor is good. Integrity, honesty, respect, and being responsible for oneself are good qualities to possess. They work together to make a person honorable, and that’s something I’ve worked on from childhood. I can say, pretty much without hesitation, that I am a woman of honor. That’s a good thing. Commitment is also good. Perseverance, strength of mind, constancy, and the dogged pursuit of an ideal are some of the good things that make a person committed or “able to commit.” I’m pretty sure I’ve got that one down most of the time, too. So that’s great. My character flaws, because every personality has a tendency to one sort of evil or another, are all about being weak when faced with fear. I can work on that, right? No problem.

So…I suppose that I should end today’s rant with an Amyism about what inspired me to write this today. People should strive to seek out and destroy their personal weaknesses. It is in this search that one truly learns to know himself and, in doing thus, finds true inner peace. Profound, huh? Ha ha ha. I like that one. I think I’ll use it again in the future. *grins*

Have a great week, everyone.

“Do it trembling if you must…but do it.”
--Emmet Fox

From the Pen of Aspen Lowood
January 17, 2001
3:30pm, MST









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