#1
"A man called in to customer service and said his computer was not working.
After going through the usual list, the customer service rep asked if the
computer was plugged in. The customer said, "Hold on, I'll go get a
flashlight."
The rep said, "Why do you need a flashlight?"
The customer replied, "Because it's dark in here. The power is out." When
told the computer would not work without power, the customer was outraged
and said he was told that he was told that he had purchased a computer with
"backup" (a tape backup archiving system)."        

 #2
Tech Support: "Hello, ESM tech support."
Customer: "I've got to stop this before my computer is ruined."
Tech Support: "What seems to be the problem, Miss?"
Customer: "Wll, I put your demo disk in the slot. And I typed 'A' and the
colon. And then I put down 'PKUNZIP DEMO.ZIP C:' like it says on the
label."
Tech Support: "Yes."
Customer: "And now something inside my computer is exploding!"

 #3
Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?" 
Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she
downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?" 

 #4
Customer: Now what do I do? 
Tech Support: What is the prompt on the screen? 
Customer: It's asking for "Enter Your Last Name." 
Tech Support: Okay, so type in your last name. 
Customer: How do you spell that? 
My opinion: Anyone this helpless should be shot.

#5
Here's a story I heard from a friend who works at a PC repair place. 
One day a customer walks in with his computer and says his modem isn't
working. After the usual explanation (A low connection speed,) I ask him
what his usual procedure is for hooking up to his ISP. He says that during
connection the modem seems to have trouble so he lifts up the receiver and
makes a *KHSHSSSHH* sound. After me and my coworker stop from laughing
hysterically we explain to him that he is inserting line noise and
connecting at a slower speed. 

 #6
"One woman called a customer service number and said she always got a busy
signal when her computer called the modem pool. She kept on calling ,
complaining about busy signals. Finally, we decided to clue her in on an
experimental number that pointed to a few new-at-the-time 14.4-Kbps modems.
But she insisted, "No, I can't put in that number; I have to put in my home
phone number." No amount of reasoning could get her to understand that the
computer at her home had to call the number of the modem at her service
provider. Last we heard, she remained unconvinced, calling herself and
complaining about the busy signals.

 #7
One night working at technical support, this old lady called and told me
that she received our disk and said that she's afraid of it. 
Tech: Well, ma'am there is nothing to be afraid of. It's a disk for your
computer. 
Cust: Well, I don't have a computer. The directions say "install and run".
I'm to old to run. 
Tech: Ma'am could you please hold? (screams with laughter) 
Tech: Ma'am I can insure you that you are OK. 
Cust: OK. Should I call the police? 
Tech: No, ma'am, just throw it away. 
Cust: Well, there is a silver thing that slides across and it clicks. What
is that? 
Tech: It is safe to throw it away. It's for a computer, OK? 
Cust: But is this a bomb? 
Tech: No, ma'am, just throw it away. Cust: Now? 
Tech: Yes, if you like. 
Cust: Son, you saved my life! Thank you and have a nice day. 

 #8
Tech: Sir, I need you to click ONCE on your America Online icon. 
User: Ok...clicka..clicka..clicka..clicka..clicka..clicka..clicka Uh,
'invalid path'. 
Tech: Ok, can you click on the icon ONE time for me? 
User: clicka..clicka..clicka..clicka..clicka..clicka..clicka..clicka It
still says 'invalid path'. 
Tech: Could you PLEASE CLICK ONE TIME, and ONLY ONE TIME on the America
Online icon. 
User: Uh, just one time? 
Tech: YES. 
User: Ok. 

 #9
I used to work in a computer store and one day we had a gentleman call in
with a smoking power supply. The service rep was having a bit of trouble
convincing the guy that he had a hardware problem: 
Service Rep: Sir, something has burned within your power supply. 
Customer: I bet there is some command I can put onto the AUTOEXEC.BAT that
would take care of this. 
Service Rep: There is nothing software can do to help you with this
problem. 
Customer: I know there is something I can put in... some command ... maybe
it should go into the CONFIG.SYS 
[After a few minutes of going round and round] 
Service Rep: Ok, I am not supposed to tell anyone this, but there is a
hidden command in some versions of DOS that you can use. I want you to edit
your AUTOEXEC.BAT and add the last line as C:\DOS\NOSMOKE and reboot your
computer. 
[Customer does this] 
Customer: It's still smoking. 
Service Rep: I guess you'll need to call Microsoft and ask them for a patch
for the NOSMOKE.EXE . 
[The customer then hung up. We thought that we had heard the last of this
guy, but NO ... he calls back four hours later] 
Service Rep: Hello sir, how is your computer? 
Customer: I called Microsoft and they said that my power supply is
incompatible with their NOSMOKE.EXE and that I need to get a new one. I was
wondering when I can have that done, and how much it will cost.... 

 #10
Cust: My program crashes; it has to be your compiler. 
Tech: What's the code that's crashing? 
Cust: I can't discuss it with you; it's classified. 
Tech: Fine. Send us some code that causes the problem, but change it enough
that your not violating any of your security agreements. 
Cust: Okay. 
Two weeks later, a video tape shows up in the mail. The tape starts off
with the camera pointed in an out of focus computer screen. The picture
wobbles a bit, and a pair of glasses are held in front of the lens. The
customer moves in front of the camera and starts the program, which
promptly crashes. The question is, how do you trouble shoot this?! 

 #11
Tech: Okay, sir, to finish opening your account, I will need you to provide
a credit card number. 
Cust: All right, hold on. (some rustling around) Okay, do you have it yet? 
Tech: Well, no. You haven't given it to me yet. 
Cust: Sure I did, I just stuck it (the card) in this (3.5 inch) slot in the
front of this computer. 

#12
An exasperated caller to Dell computer tech support couldn't get her new
Dell computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the
technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her
response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The
"foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

#13
A customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new computer would
not work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for
20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when
she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?" 

#14
AST tech support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to
control with the dust cover on. The dust cover turned out to be the plastic
bag the mouse was packaged in. 

#15
Another Compaq tech received a call from a man complaining that the system
wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. after trouble
shooting for magnets and head failed to diagnose the problem, it was found
that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the
typewriter to type the labels. 

#16
Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A
few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies
of the floppies. 

 #17
When my friend was working in Escom Sales, there was a guy who came to buy
WinWord. Around one hour he called that *the dang thing ain't working*.
Moreover, he told to my friend that the whole computer is broken. My friend
asked him to bring it to the shop. When the guy came in, I had to get to
the back room to laugh. Why? The guy was installing the WinWord. After he
finished with a first floppy, he got a screen message, saying, 'please
insert disk into into Drive A:\'. So, he did. But, without removing the
first floppy...He was convincing us that it wasn't his fault because there
was no message saying 'please, remove disk one first' He almost accused my
friend of damage....But, the thing which is still puzzling me is, how on
earth he pushed a second disk into a drive???


 #18
Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax
anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the tech discovered the man
was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding the paper in front of the
monitor and hitting the "send" key.
 #19
Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer
worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and
soaking it for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them
individually. 

 #20
This came from a Tech Rep from Australia. 
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" 
Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" 
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty
period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" 
Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" 
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." 
Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did
you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get
this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" 
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a
promotional. It just has '4X' on it." 
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't
stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as
a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive. 

#21
Another customer calling the Canon help desk complained that his BJC-610
was not printing red. After the tech ran the customer through a few
unsuccessful cleanings, he asked the customer to remove the red tank and
see how much ink was in it. The customer then said "No, it doesn't have any
ink. On page 130 in the manual, it said to do some extensive cleanings. So,
I drained the ink and filled it with water to clean it." 

#22
A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The
tech asked her if she was "running it under windows". The woman then
responded "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The
man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his is working
fine." 

#23
A woman calling Microsoft called having a problem. She was installing
Microsoft Office when she called them up and said that it wouldn't accept
that she had put the next disk in for installation. After about 20 mins and
much debating, the tech found out that she had not taken out the disks
before puting the next one in. By this time she had put 4 disks in the disk
drive. Her comment was that she thought it was a bit stiff. 

 #24
Cust: Do I need a monitor? I have everything else. 
Tech: Yes, ma'am. 
Cust: Why? That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard of. 

#25
I just had a call where the customer wanted to know if a modem and mouse
were going to come with the software. I told them that only the disk is
going to be in the start-up kit. They couldn't believe we were going to
make him pay for their own modem and mouse...! 

 #26
Cust: Oh, my god, I just received this disk in the mail, I never ordered a
disk...Am I a member? Am I being charged for this?
 #27
User: My computer is not working. 
Tech: Is it on? 
User: Yes, it is on. I am not stupid. 
Tech: Ok, did you try to reboot it? 
User: You mean turn it off and on? I did but nothing changes. The screen
still looks the same. 
User had been turning on and off the monitor for about a half hour thinking
it would fix the problem. 

 #28
Cust: Wait, if there's so much info available on this service, are you sure
it'll fit onto this little slot on my computer? 
Tech: (Sure just STUFF IT in there!) 

 #29
I had a customer who had been trying to put his cd in his computer. He
could not figure it out, so he opened his system and was trying to put it
in a card slot....I spent 10 minutes explaining what his disk drive was and
that he did not, in fact, have a cd-rom...I sent a disk to him and
explained how it goes in the system...I mean that literally...when I was
finished, I went into the bathroom and laughed for about 5 minutes...

 #30
Cust: When I dial your service, the system asks me some questions and then
it kicks me off. 
Tech: What were the questions that it asked you? 
Cust: I don't remember. 
Tech: Well, sir, if you don't remember what they were, I don't know what
the problem is and I can't help you. 
Cust: So I need to call you and go through this again after seeing the
questions again? 
Tech: Yes. 
Cust: Can't I just keep you on while I call? 
Tech: Is your modem on another line? 
Cust: No, same line. 
Tech: Well, sir, you can't do it.. kinda like someone picking up the phone
now and dialing while we are talking. 
Cust: Can I at least try? 

#31
Cust: Look, look!!!!! Look what it's doing!!! Can you BELIEVE this?? Why is
it doing that?? 
Tech: (keeps saying: ) Sir, I can't see your computer, what is it doing?? 
Cust: (keeps saying: ) WHAT??? Can't you figure it out?? LOOK AT MY
COMPUTER SCREEN!!!!! You can see it, can't you?! 

#32
Cust: (suddenly seeing the light) "OH!! You mean I need a modem *and* a
computer to get on the internet?!"

 #33
Actually had a lady call up today asking if our software would run on a
Commodore 64! (Anyone still remember those relics?) She said, "I guess I
need to get a more updated computer". I replied, "Oh, yes." (This lady
either believes in being REAL thrifty or she's poor). Then she asked me,
"What is Windows?"...I almost broke out laughing. I suggested she go to an
electronics store for more info. on getting a computer that wasn't the
cyber equivalent of rocks and sticks.

 #34
One of our techs got a call from the archetypal clueless customer - no
matter how detailed her explanation was, it just wasn't detailed enough for
this guy. Every time she asked him to open or close a file, she had to
describe the process. After 40 minutes (half of which was spent describing
how to use the operating system), she decided to just give up and let
someone else step up to bat.
"I'm going to refer this to a senior technician," she said. "He'll be
calling you right back."
"But that won't work," the customer protested. "There's a three-hour time
difference, and I won't be here in three hours."

 #35
I had a man on the phone who could not install. Now after looking
everywhere for this error message I called RST (three times might I add).
The gentleman looked and asked "should I put the disk in now?" Hello!! If
that is not in the instructions then...

#36
Lady calls claiming to be a new member. Nothing under the screen name she
gave, nada under phone num...zilch under her name...I resorted to the
credit card num... ZIP... nothing. I asked how long she'd been a member,
she said a few days. Finally, I asked her if she's SURE it was AMERICA
ONLINE she signed up for...and she said, "yeah...well it's called E-World
on my computer, though."

 #37
Cust: I just got your software in the mail....when are you sending the
computer? 
Tech: You don't have a computer? 
Cust: Nope. But I have the software, just send me the computer and you've
got a new member. 

 #38
Can you believe it...someone wanted to know how to get to then internet
through a Brothers Word Processor with Windows 95 & a Boca 2400
Modem!!!!!!! 
Tech: Does it have a hard drive? 
Cust: What's that? 

 #39
Man: "Uh, I'm trying to send e-mail to my daughter and she's not receiving
it..." 
Tech: "Okay, sir, what is her e-mail address?" 
Man: "I don't know... she doesn't even have a computer...can't I send it to
her post office?" 

#40
Cust: Yes, I just got this thingy in the mail, AOL for Windows... is this a
home security thing? 
Tech: Ma'am? 
Cust: Well, do I set it in my window and it protects my house from
burglars? 
Tech: No, ma'am, it's a computer program, for Windows computers. 
Cust: Oh...I don't even have a computer...why did you send me this? 
Tech: You were on a mailing list... 
Cust: Okay... 

 #41
Cust: Yes, does my e-mail go directly to my answering machine when I'm not
online? Can I just check my e-mail from another phone on my answering
machine?

 #42
Cust: Yes, I just got this disk in the mail for ten hours. Does it give me
e-mail? 
Tech: Yes, ma'am, it does. 
Cust: Well, can I have my answering machine hooked up so that I can just
check my e-mail from my answering machine? 
Tech: Well, no, ma'am, it does not work that way. 
Cust: Now, you listen, young man, there is no reason for you to get smart
with me! 
Tech: No, ma'am, I understand. I was just trying to explain to you how it
works. 

 #43
Cust: Do you really need a modem? 
Tech: Yes, ma'am, you do. 
Cust: Do you really, really need one? 
Tech: Yes, ma'am, I am afraid that you do. 
Cust: WELL, THAT'S DUMB!!!! (hangs up) 

 #44
"Do I need to call my phone company each time to let them know that I am
going online?" 

#45
Customer: I just got your software in the mail, and what I wanted to know
was... Will I be charged if I just look at the software... I mean, I don't
even have a modem yet....

 #46
Cust: You cancelled my account yesterday. 
Tech: All right, how may I help you, ma'am? 
Cust: Was that the reason my C:\ crashed? 
Tech: No, ma'am, your hard drive would not crash because of your account
being cancelled. 
Cust: Are you sure? 
Tech: Yes. 
Cust: Ok...I knew that... 

 #47
Tech: Yes, ma'am, we require a credit card or checking account in order to
sign up on our service. 
Cust: Well, I saw on the news that I should NEVER give out my credit card
info! 
Tech: Well, ma'am, we have to have a way to bill you. 
Cust: No OTHER service does this! 
Tech: No, ma'am, the others don't allow you to use a checking account. 
Cust: No honest company would ask me for my credit card info! 

 #48
..Tech: (asks for phone number) 
Cust: I don't give out my phone number! 
Tech: Alright. How may I help you, sir? 
Cust: How much for your internet service? Tech: (gave out prices) 
Cust: If I own the software why do you keep charging for it? Tech: Well,
sir, the software is free, but you are charged for being online. 
Cust: YOU CONNECT YOUR COMPUTER TO THE PHONE LINE?! 
Tech: Well, sir, you do use a modem to dial online. 
Cust: I WILL NEVER HOOK MY COMPUTER TO MY PHONE!!!! :::::CLICK::::: 
Tech: (Feeling a little paranoid are we?) 



 #49
Cust: You sent me a Mac software disk in the mail; I need one for DOS. 
Tech: I'll be glad to send one to you, ma'am...should that be a 3-1/2 or
5-1/4 inch disk? 
Cust: Uhhh...how are they different? 

 #50
A while back, I sold a copy of a popular word processing application to a
customer. About 40 minutes later, I received a call from her stating that
it wouldn't install, and in fact would fail on the first disk. I instructed
her to bring it back in for an exchange. She did, and we did. Another 40
minutes later, she calls again with the same problem, and again, we
exchange her product. 40 minutes later, she calls again, and she is
understandably becoming frustrated with this whole affair. I offer that if
she would bring it back, I would install it on the store's system to insure
it's operability, with the provision that if it fails, we fully refund her.
She agrees. She brings it back, and we try to install. I open the box, only
to find the 5.25 disks trimmed by about an inch on either side. Yes, you
guessed it. She had purchased what was then the standard, a 5.25" version,
and had tried to"make the disks fit" in her spanking new PS/2's 3.5" drive.

 #51
A friend who works in tech support at Intel tells the following story about
trying to help a caller get a program working: 
Tech: Do you have any other windows open? 
Caller: Yes. 
Tech: Please close them. 
Caller: (pause) Well, OK. 
Tech then hears caller set down phone and walk around the room closing all
of the windows... 

#52
A friend from school tells of a panicked call from his mother when she
tried using her new computer for the first time because the mouse wouldn't
work. Turns out, she was waving it in the air in front of the computer to
get the pointer to move...

 #53
A couple went to a computer store and bought a new computer with multimedia
and a fax modem on it. A week later, they brought the machine back and
said, "Our Computer is broken." The sale man asked, "What seems to be the
problem?" The couple said, "The fax modem doesn't work. We click on the fax
button, and then hold the paper in front of the monitor, but it will not
send!??"

#54
I have an experience to relate. I worked for a company that sold complete
CAD packages. Ex: the PC and the software all preloaded and tested. 
One engineer who had bought the package rang up furious that his PC was
broken and wanted a refund. I went through all the usual trouble shooting.
Switching the power on and off; he said the lights were flashing and no the
pc was not beeping. 
He then checked the cables and the monitor. Could he feel any static from
the screen? Yes, was the reply. We were stumped, it looked like we had
tried everything and after an hour of insult and abuse I was about to give
up. Then a voice from behind me said, Is the brightness turned down?
Unbelieving I asked is the brightness on the monitor turned down. First
there was silence, then I heard swearing, shouting, and something being
thrown across the room. Hello, I said, did it work? Sheepishly he said, Oh
yes our YTS had turned the brightness down to save the screen burn and then
went to lunch. 

#55
Here is a true and extremely funny story from Tasmania, Australia. 
This guy recently got a DX4 100 and was told that he should get a heat sink
and fan for it. A few days later, he got the heat-sink, but decided to
install it himself instead of brining it back to the shop. Well, after
installing the heat-sink, the computer mysteriously failed to work. He
phoned up the shop and they said to take the heat-sink off and put it back
on again, suggesting that the CPU chip was slightly loose. When this failed
to achieve anything, he took it back to the shop. The reason why the
computer didn't work?? When he screwed on the heat-sink, he put a hole
RIGHT THROUGH THE MIDDLE of the CPU chip!!!! The technical support people
just couldn't believe it!! This guy must have been very dense, because he
then asked "Well, isn't this sort of thing covered by the warranty??". The
techies cracked up even more. 

 #56
A man calls our repair shop wondering why his 5.25" floppies have quit
working. Turns out he had been notching and turning them over (like he did
at home on his commodore).

 #57

Tech:... Now press the keys S..E..T..U..P..Enter
Cust: I Can't reach the Enter key!
Tech: Sorry? Did you say...
Cust: Should I release the other keys?
Just think about what this moron's screen would look like by then.
SSSSEEEEEEETTTTTTTTTTUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

 #58
I work at UPS tech support for their shipping programs. Oh GOD we get some
intelligent ones there. Here's a few.
Me : Thanks for calling UPS Tech Support how can I help you?
Cust: Your system's broken.
Me : Ok. Why would you say that?
Cust: It won't turn on.
Me : Check the cables that go from the computer to the wall, make sure that
they are plugged in.
Cust: The power cables?
Me : Yes.
Cust: O.k. Hold on.... 

Cust: Ok I'm back.
Me : Did it work?
Cust: Did what work?
Me : The computer. When you checked the cables did it work?
Cust:Oh.. yeah, when I plugged it back in it worked, and I've been
processing my packages since.

---Next Call---
Me : Thanks for calling UPS how can I help you?
Cust: Well, when I turned on my system (which is labeled DO NOT TURN OFF) I
get this message from you guys that says 'Non System Disk or Disk Error,
Replace and strike any key when ready'. And I've been fiddling with this
thing for almost 4 hours now. 
Me :  Really? What
have you been doing?
Cust: I have put every god forsaken disk in this COMPANY in that computer
and it still won't boot up.

 #59
A guy calles tech support and says:
Person: Hello, I got a game in the large bendable diskettes. To install the
game it says "put in the floppy disks, I did that and the computer says
that there is nothing in there, what should I do?
Technician: What side did you put in the diskette sir?
Person: What does it matter? once you take out the floppy disk out from the
black covering its round!
Technician: Hold a second sir.(Falls on floor laughing)
Technician: Sir... you are not supposed to take the round disk from it's
cover.
Person: How do I put the round things back in?
Technician: Don't bother, the "things" are ruined, hold on, I'll give you
the company insurance guy.

 #60
Recently I installed internet PPP software on a client's computer and the
guy called me and complained that it wasn't working. After trouble shooting
I found that his WinSock dialer wasn't open; then when it wouldn't dial and
I had to explain that he needed to get off the phone. 

#61
Tech : Sir, do you have PCAnywhere? I need to log into your computer.
(PCAnywhere is Software for remote computer control for trouble shooting)
Cust : Yes, I have PC's everywhere in my office.

 #62
A decade or so ago, when hard drives were more rare, a company rep got a
call from a customer. "My computer can't read your disk." After making sure
the complaint wasn't the result of a misunderstanding, the rep said, "Bring
in the disk and I'll replace it free."
The customer brought in the disk, and the rep gave the customer a new one.
About two days later, the same customer called in again, with the exact
same complaint. The rep repeated his deal, since it was possible the
customer just got two bad disks in a row. 
The third time of the same problem made the rep suspicious, though. "So
what do you do when you get the disk home," the rep asked the customer. 
"I put the disk into my computer and run the program," the customer said. 
"...And then what do you do with it?" 
"Well, I slap that sucker on the refrigerator with a magnet, 'cause I sure
as hell don't wanna lose that thing!" 

#63
A customer buys a 486 CPU and takes it home. He calls up tech support a
while later and says that he had put the new chip in his computer but it
wasn't working. When the machine is brought in for the technicians to look
at, they discovered that he had unsoldered his 386 CPU and installed the
new 486 CPU. Of course the holes didn't line up, so he cut off enough legs
on the 486 so that it would.
And he wondered why his machine didn't work. 

 #64
I used to support a popular fax/communications package that was bundled
with just about every modem under the sun. One of the best questions, and
yes, I've been asked it more than once is, "You mean the computer has to be
on for me to receive a fax?"

 #65
Tech: Gateway 2000 Technical Support, this is Paul speaking.
Customer: My computer doesn't work.
Tech: What's wrong with it?
Customer: I don't know! I'm turning the key but nothing happens!
Tech: Ma'am, can you hold for a second, I have to check something.
---During the hold I laugh profusely.---
Tech: OK, I think I found your problem. You have to push the button that
says "power" right above it.
Customer: Nothing happened.
Tech: Do you have it plugged in?
Customer: You mean you have to plug these things in?! This is going to
bring my electricity bill way up!
Customer's husband (in background): I told you those things were more
expensive than just the price to buy one! 

 #66
I once had a friend named Bob (Changed), and I was once at his house when
he had a problem with his Epson Stylus printer. When he printed something,
the printer made a grinding noise. He couldn't find any problems and he
didn't want me to touch his printer. So, he decided to call the Epson Tech
Support. After being on hold for about an hour and half (due to an
accidental hang-up) he got through. He asked about the grinding. The tech
support guy told him to press the line and page feed buttons a few times.
So Bob told him that it made the grinding when he pressed the buttons. So
the tech support guy said "Is the manual feed wheel touching anything?"
Need I say more?

#67
Caller: My computer has stopped.
Tech: Is there anything on the monitor?
Caller : Yes, but when I type, nothing happens.
Tech: You see your keyboard?
Caller : Yes.
Tech: Can you tell me what lights are on ?
Caller : (PAUSE) The one in the hall and one in the kitchen.

 #68
One person called me up, needing me to fix his computer because he went
into his CMOS setup and changed the hard drive type to one with a higher
capacity. He thought that he could get more space out of his. I wish!

 #69
Customer: This CD won't install!
Me: Is the CD in the CD-ROM drive?
Customer: Yes.
Me: What letter is your CD-ROM drive?
Customer: I don't know.
** We finally figured out that the drive would be "d:"**
Me: OK, type "d : \ I n s t a l l"
Customer: There's no place to type it.
Me: What do you mean?
Customer: My CD player doesn't have a keyboard!

 #70
A friend called me and was extremely frustrated because he couldn't run
BattleChess on his new Mac. "I insert the disk, and I click on the icon,
but I get a message that says BattleChess must be run from a hard disk." 
"Wait, you didn't install the program on your hard drive?" I asked.
"Why should I do that?" he said, "The disk it came on is hard!!!"

 #71
I worked in tech support at Toshiba. One day a guy called with his brand
new Toshiba notebook computer. He was asking all sorts of "normal" type
questions, like how to adjust the contrast, how to clean the display, etc.
Then he started asking about fax modems. He asked me how fast they are. I
told him that he could get up to 28,800 bps. He then asked me, "If I get a
PCMCIA fax/modem, where do I put the paper?" I said, "You're kidding aren't
you?" He said, "What do you mean? I've been looking all over this computer,
and I just don't see any place for the paper." I had to put this guy on
hold, so he wouldn't hear me laughing!

 #72
Cust: I cant seem to access my big disk drive. 
Tech: Well... Is the door shut? 
Cust: Just a second... 
--The man is heard getting up and shutting the door--

#73
Cust: Hello, I've just faxed you some important papers. Did they get
through all right?
Tech: No ma'am, I'm sorry, we haven't received any faxes in the last half
hour.
Cust: Well, make sure I'm doing this right. Walk me through the procedure.
Tech: Well, insert the paper into the fax machine and press SEND, then--
Cust: What fax machine?

#74
Customer: Hi. I would like to pay for another account.
Tech: Do you want to change your account information?
Customer: No, I just want you to configure a new account to my phone number
at work.
Tech: Ma'am you can use your account at work as well as at home.
Customer: Are you sure?
Tech: Yes.
Customer: Well so how much will that cost?

#75
Customer: I can't get connected to your service, and I've been trying for a
week. I keep on hearing 'If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and
then dial again... etc. etc.'
Tech: Are you hearing this through the modem speaker?
Customer: I'm hearing it when I pick up the phone.
Tech: Are you picking up the phone before or after the connection fails?
Customer: I'm picking it up right before I tell the modem to dial.
Tech: Sir, there is no need to pick up the phone, in fact, that may be
detrimental to your connection. Might I recommend leaving the phone hung up
when you hit the connect button and trying again.
He got through right away.

#76
Residential Customer: How can I get a T1 line installed?
Of course we don't offer T1 lines because who, other than a big company,
could afford it.
But, if we did:
Sure, that'll be $3500 for the installation and about $1000 a month for
maintenance, plus your monthly membership fee, but don't forget you get a
couple hours free each month.
#77
Tech: Thank you for calling, how can I help you.
Customer: Yes, I've got your software here, and it is installed, but it
will not dial out to your service.
Tech: What kind of error message are you receiving?
Customer: No error message, it just won't dial.

Tech: OK, what happens now.
Customer: It says no dial tone.
Tech: Do you have a separate line for your computer?
Customer: Yes, I do.
Tech: Is the phone line hooked between the computer and the wall jack?
Customer: What are you talking about?
Tech: You need to have a line connected from your computer and the phone
jack.
Customer: Well! The fax, the modem and everything is built into the
computer.
Tech: yes, but you need to have a line to the phone jack to dial out.
Customer: Are you sure? I've talked to 5 other people today and they didn't
say anything about that.
Tech: I assure you sure, this it is needed.
Customer: I don't believe you. I'm going to call my computer company!
Tech: Thank you for calling, how may I help you?
Customer: I'm going to sell all my stock in your damn company! Who do you
think you people are? Huh?
Tech: What troubles are you experiencing?
Customer: It tells me to check my number you idiot! What is wrong with you?

Tech: You will have to call accounts maintenance.
Customer: You're a moron! F*** You!!!
Tech: They can help you with your account.

His credit card was rejected.

#78
Tech Support: Please press zero on the keyboard, then press .
User: Zero? Uh, do you mean, zero the letter, or zero the number?

#79
Customer: I need a drawer for an Apple 12000/640 Laser Printer.
Tech: Okay.
Customer: You guys are out of them.
Customer: Will the drawer for the IBM Network printer equivalent work in
that?
Tech: I'm sorry, are you asking if the drawer for an IBM printer will work
in an Apple Printer?
Customer: Yeah.
Tech: No way.
Customer: But if you look at them, their the same printer.
Tech: But, Sir, all you need is a quarter-inch difference on any of the
rails and it won't fit. They are two different printers made by two
different companies. There is no way that the parts are compatible.
Customer: They're all made by the same company, aren't they?
Tech: Well, no, one is made by IBM, and one is made by Apple.
Customer: Aren't they all made by Fujitsu or something like that?
Tech: Do you know that for a fact?
Customer: I'm asking.
Tech: Not to my knowledge.
Customer: Can you look?
Tech: (after ten minutes of websurfing for the tech sheets of the
respective printers) I see nothing here to indicate that the two parts are
compatible, nor is there any indication that the printers are made by
anyone other than Apple or IBM.
Customer: But what am I supposed to do?
Tech: If you think Fujitsu made both printers, call Fujitsu and ask them.
Or find someone who has both and try putting the drawer from the IBM in the
Apple printer.
Customer: You got Fujitsu's number?
I gave him Fujitsu's phone number and closed the call. Then I had a good
laugh with the rest of us here in Tech Support.



 Motto: "I paid $5000 for this computer; I shouldn't have to read the
manual!" --John Dvorak

"Excellent, it is time this breed of morons get the recognition the
deserve." --Stephen Burley



Isn't it funny how incredibly computer illiterate people manage to get
jobs. Many of these idiots also manage to land jobs that involve working
with computers. The results are the following true stories.

 #1
I worked with an idiot who plugged her power strip back into itself and for
the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on. 

 #2
A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put
all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font they'd take up less room.
When he told me I was with another friend. She thought it was a good idea
too. 

 #3
One of my coworkers asked me, "If I had a color monitor, would my printer
print in color?" 

 #4
A friend had to go over to a bank and set everyone's software up. Since all
the internet software his company supports runs under MS Windows, he asked
the manager "Do you have Windows?" The manager stared at him blankly and
said, "No, we've got air conditioning."

 #5
An office mate of mine has her typewriter plugged into the same master
powerstrip as the computer. Her typewriter started beeping one day and she
couldn't get it to stop.... so she hit Ctrl-Alt-Delete to reboot the
computer. Needless to say, the typewriter didn't stop beeping. 

 #6
This happened about 10 years ago to my father who was the manager of a
company's publications department. A couple of data-entry clerks were
instructed to do a large amount of word processing for an urgent project.
By the end of the day, the work had been completed and the clerks saved the
files to 5.25" diskettes. To make certain that the manager would find the
diskettes, they neatly clipped the diskettes to the source documents using
their magnetic clipboards.

 #7
There was a fellow who set his type color to black, just after setting the
background color to black. Took him a couple days of blind typing to get
things back again.

 #8
I gave a disk to a secretary so that she could make copies for some
students. She wrote down the instructions on a memo, then PAPER CLIPPED THE
MEMO TO THE FLOPPY! It was a 5 1/4 floppy, and became creased and useless.
I was flabbergasted!

 #9
I had a user who needed to keep some confidential information on disk since
we didn't trust network security. I showed her how to copy files to a
diskette using one of my own, and told her to do what I did but to store
the diskette in a safe, cool, dark place. The next time she went to use the
disk, she couldn't read the disk. She'd stuck it to the underside of her
desk drawer with a magnet. Fortunately, I still had the copy I'd made.
(whew)

 #10
I work as a Systems Analyst for a Government contractor, my previous boss
was illiterate as can be with computers. While arguing over the type of
home PC he should buy, I was asked what the difference was between a 286
16Mhz and a 386 25Mhz processor was. Upon explaining about clock speeds and
processors, my boss asked me and I quote "IF I GET A 386 25MHZ I should be
able to type faster isn't this correct to assume ????"

 #11
I work Olidata in Italy, and a few years ago we were out of ISA VGA cards.
Our sales manager asked us, "Couldn't we plug VLB card into ISA slots?"
Even without CUTTING the end part. To make him happy we tried!

 #12
I work at computer reseller, and we had a new secretary. We were talking
about how we needed to get faster computers for the office and what we
needed to get things set up properly. Then she said, "Well all we really
need are faster monitors."

 #13
A friend of my dad's bought a computer through the class they were taking,
and she couldn't figure out why she couldn't get a desktop publishing
program to work. I typed "mem" and sure enough she had the basic memory and
no extra simms. When, I explained it to her, she explained how everyone
else's computer could run it. Oh well, like nobody has a different type of
computer than you, huh?

 #14
My dad uses Netscape 1.0, and I don't know if it's supposed to support
forms, and I *finally* talked him into upgrading. I found the location, and
started downloading. When the progress indicator stopped for a second (slow
ISP), my dad picked up the phone to see if everything was ok....

 #15
I get this call from my friend who just installed a new game. He tells me
it won't load because there isn't enough memory. Then he says that he
deleted some things from his hard drive and it still says not enough
memory. After a brief explanation of what memory and hard drive space is he
says, "but the game said it needed 4MB and I have 39MB left".

#16
One day at school I see the teacher putting grades onto her computer. I
laughed as she used a metal clip to attach the 5.25 floppy to her other
disks. I wanted to see her explain that one to the principal.

 #17
At a computer peripheral manufacturing company I used to work at, I was
appalled one day to hear one of our salesmen telling customers that RISC
meant "reduced instruction set" which meant to him that there wouldn't be
so many confusing commands to remember, thereby making computing even
easier!

 #18
A student walked up to a lab assistant and complained that his disk didn't
work in the computer. The lab assistant asked for the disk so that he could
try it in the machine on his desk. The student took out his wallet, removed
the 5.25" disk, and after unfolding it, handed it to the lab assistant.

 #19
This is god honest truth of something that happened in a shop I used to
work for, about three months ago...
Customer walks in and asks the sales-rep if we had First aid for Windows.
The sales-rep replies, "No, but we do have the History of Medicine on
CD-ROM."

#20
Something funny once happened in class last year. One of the 'blonde' girls
asked "How many Internets are there?" It turns out she was confused with
the number of services that provided internet access.

 #21
I have a friend who was trying to get a game to run on his PC. He did not
have enough base memory to load the game so decided to try removing some
TSR's. He typed "MEM" and selected a TSR that was taking up almost exactly
the amount of memory that he needed. He couldn't see where it was loaded in
CONFIG.SYS or AUTOEXEC.BAT so he deleted it from his hard disk. This is
foolish enough, but it's even worse if the file in question is
COMMAND.COM!!!

 #22
Several years ago, we hired a "computer expert" to work in my department.
On his first day, this guy tried to insert a 5.25 inch floppy (remember
those?) into the tiny gap between the 5.25 inch drive and the 3.5 inch
drive. He then spent the remainder of his first day disassembling the
computer in order to remove it.

 #23
A friend of mine who does tech support for a hospital in Chicago told me
this one when we were exchanging horror stories:
The hospital has a client/server network, and my friend gets a call
indicating that one of the stations can't access shared directories on the
network. My friend Steve walks down to the station to take a look, and
something seems wrong. 
He said: When did you move the computer?
The caller answers: I didn't move the computer.
Steve: You did move the computer. I installed it over there. You moved it
over here.
Caller: Well, yeah, I moved it earlier today.
The caller had picked up the system and moved it, ripping out the network
connection and half the NIC in the process. Needless to say, Steve made it
clear that if someone needed a computer moved, call him and he'd do it.
Then he went back to his office and laughed for about 10 minutes.

 #24
I got a call from a friend who asked, "My modem is in my computer, so I
don't need a phone line right?"

 #25
Tech: Hello, Tech Support. 
User: Hello this is Rodney. 
Tech: Hello Rodney. 
User: My "screen" isn't working. 
Tech: I'll come around. 
**Tech Arrives to find Windows is up but apps not working.** 
Tech: Hello Rodney... Hmm, you haven't logged in properly. Has it asked you
to change the password recently? 
User: Yes, a few days ago. 
Tech: OK let's try logging you in... Type you password in now... 
PC: Incorrect password. Access denied. 
User: That's what it says... 
Tech: OK, try the password again
User: The new one or the old one? 
Tech: Let's try the new one... 
User: I can't remember what it is. 
Tech: OK let's try this... 
Tech types in: "RODNEY" 
User: Oh yes, I remember it now... 

 #26
And last week to me, a quick conversation with on of our secretaries:
Three weeks ago we upgraded her to a nearly new IBM Pentium 90 with 16Mb of
Ram that sits under her desk. She spilt water of it this week, and
unbelievably it lived...
Me: Kim what happened to your PC? How did you spill water in it?
Kim: Oh I knocked over a glass of water and it went down the hole the
cables go through. But it is alright now.
Me: Yes I know that was a lucky escape.
Kim: Yes well it could have been worse. It could have gone in the keyboard.
That would have been a tragedy....
I tried to explain the relative cost differences, but it turns out she
really likes the feel of keys on the keyboard!

 #27
I was talking to a person today about the case-sensitivity of his password,
and he asked me in his best confused voice, "Is that a capital zero or a
small zero." I didn't know what to say after that...

 #28
My mom was typing a paper for school, (she's getting her Master's) and she
had written six pages. She was trying to undo a mistake, and she clicked on
"Clear All" instead. She erased all six pages of her work! But there was a
good side to her mistake: She paid me $10 to retype her paper for her!

 #29
We recently had an Apple Powerbook in for repair and, unfortunately, a cup
of coffee was spilt on it. The laptop no longer worked, and we were racking
our brains to find a way of breaking the news to the customer. Eventually,
the manager phoned the customer and said that the laptop had gone dead on
us. Much to our amazement, the customer is now swearing blind that this is
all his fault because he tried to repair the laptop himself a few months
ago. Sometimes I really do believe there is a God up there! 

 #30
I remember when I worked at a hospital. I was in PC Support, and we were
helping people install software. Well, according to one of the trouble
calls we answered, someone needed "Word for Windows 6.1" installed. (We
have Word for Windows, and Word Perfect 6.1.)
#31
Last Year, I had to help a young lady that didn't have enough RAM :
Lady: Sir, I need 10 megabytes of RAM to run Photoshop, and I only have 5
left, Can you tell me how much I need to spend to buy 5 Megs of virtual
memory?
What would be your Answer? We have a great deal on RAM Disks???

#31
This one happened a few years back when I worked on mainframe computers. At
that time we used reel tapes. In order to save some dollars, the company
switched to tapes whose casings were made of recycled plastic. They were
much cheaper and lighter than the old heavy duty ones. We had a number of
the programmers comment on how light the new ones were. We just kept
telling them that it was because no data had been written on them yet. The
scary part is that a number of people really believed this. All of the
operators were having a real laugh about this one until the night the data
center manager did a surprise visit on a night shift. He pulled a couple of
the tapes off of the drives. They happened to be the new ones. He then
accused all of us of not working as hard as we should be. If we were the
tapes would be full... he could tell by the weight of them that we had been
slacking off.....

#32
Here's something that might have made it to your archives already. This
comes from the time when I was working as an lab assistant at a west coast
university (name withheld - we don't want to spoil it for upcoming
generations of lab assistants.) The main computer lab of the campus was
equipped with Macs and printers, two IBMs, a large reference section, and
one or two lab assistants (often a volunteer comp science student). Many
students would do the "obvious" (to them) thing of coming in, sitting down,
starting the computer right up, then proceeding to do their work as if they
were sitting at a plain typewriter. Sometimes they would ask
semi-intelligent questions ("Which is the default printer?") and sometimes
incredibly stupid questions ('Can I get this on paper to turn in?') but
almost always in the case of the latter, they would be verbally abusive,
short-tempered, and act like their problems were the lab assistant's fault.
In one case, a grad student came in, sat down at one of the Macintosh
computers, and began typing what we would have guessed to be a thesis paper
- spending a few hours muttering, cursing under his breath, asking
questions - the stupid variety - in a short, sharp barking tone that did
not exactly endear him to us. He wasn't saving his work, not even to the
hard drive - any power outage would hose his efforts completely, but he was
a little unclear on the whole "save" thing. At one point, after about two
hours of constant input, he poked several times at the keyboard, muttered,
and then said, 'Hey - hey!! Which is the damned 'any' key?!??'
The senior lab assistant blandly looked up and said, 'It's that big red one
on the side.'

#33
In 1995 our ad agency installed Macs throughout. I was passing the Creative
Director's office where I heard him shouting 'OPEN FILE, OPEN FILE
DAMNIT!'. He was holding the mouse like a microphone and shouting into it.

#34
I am a director of information systems for an up and coming company who
shall currently remain nameless. But in an earlier incarnation I worked as
a plant engineer for a rather large (Fortune 100) company at one of their
many facilities. part of my job required me to maintain all network and PC
hardware (token ring) anyway one day I was informed that my life was to be
made easier as the company had hired an MBA in computer science to
administer our network. Shortly after her hire she called me to her office
and asked me if I could help because she couldn't access the network. When
I queried her she stated that she had had an error with an '.".exe"' file
so she re-logged-on as the administrator and typed 'fdisk f:' to "fix the
disk", after deleting and recreating the partition she had gotten several
calls as to the network not working needless to say she had no idea as to
when the last backup was so we had to recreate several weeks of data.
(arghh) Two months later I !!! got my walking papers. I wish them luck.


#35
Last month I went to Babbages to see if I could get some answers to a
problem I was having with QEMM 8. So I ask this guy named Jorge if he knows
about any problems running QEMM 8 on Windows '95. He told me that he runs
it on his PC and it works fine. 
Then he ask me how much RAM I have in mine and I told him that I have 16 MB
of RAM. (Now comes the weird part) this guy look at me like if I was stupid
or something and told me, "You see that's your problem, QEMM 8 only works
for computers that have 8 MB of RAM, you should buy QEMM 16." 
I said to myself, "How can this guy be working here?" I asked him to see if
they have (the non-existent) QEMM 16 he was talking about and he told me,
"No we are sold-out of that item right now". I thanked him and walked away
laughing.

#36
Officer: My Word Document won't print. Me: I'll come take a look at it sir.
Me (on arrival): Where's your printer sir? Officer: I thought I'd just
print it on your printer!
He hadn't brought a disk, just thought he could press print, and presto,
through the air it comes! This guy's a F-15 pilot. Give him a multi-million
dollar jet, what a good idea!

#37
This is a true story that happened to my friend's sister.
The mouse on her computer was not tracking well, so she decided to clean
the ball. After washing the ball with soapy water, she put it back in the
mouse -- STILL WET!! She then plugged the mouse back into the computer and
turned it on, thus frying the mouse. Ever hear of the saying, "Don't mix
water and electricity"?!

#38
This is about my high school librarian. She knows nothing about computers,
and is still mastering the mouse. Anyway I'm a library aid and work in the
library with her. She's always looking for blank disks. When we received a
couple AOL disks, I explained to her that we could format them, and then
use them as blank disks. She violently disagreed and insisted that the
school couldn't afford any more online services and so on. I did my best to
explain to her that we would not be signing up with AOL, but rather just
using the disks they provided. She got mad at me, and said I should know
what I'm talking before I argue about it. I program games in my spare time,
and I'm pretty sure I know what I'm talking about. She ended up throwing
the disks away, but not after physically breaking the metal part off the
disk just so that I wouldn't have any more ideas about using it.

#39
The situation: A new computer lab. 40 Brand new computers, installation of
software is going fine, so Op leaves. Janitor passes (Ooops). Looks into
new room, and sees lots of new machines, whirring, grinding (disk
accesses). The janitor knows what to do with noisy machines - you oil them.
Op returns to find janitor pouring oil in back/floppy drives. The janitor
explains that he fixed the machines - they don't grind any more.
Well he was right - they didn't grind anymore- they didn't do a lot of
things anymore...

#40
My company recently purchased all brand new computers for our customer
service department. Within a day of their being set up, I get a call from a
young woman saying that I needed to return her monitor because of a chip in
the screen. By the time I got over to her desk, she had gone to lunch, but
a visual inspection showed no chip.
In an effort to assist, one of her co-workers came over and pointed out the
"defect". Sure enough, as I ran my hand over the screen, I felt something
out of the ordinary. I explained, however, that a chip is an indentation
while this was instead something "protruding" from the screen. A little
saliva on the finger quickly removed the foreign substance at which time I
even more quickly ran to wash my hands.
Her co-workers got a roar out of this and proceeded to harass the poor
woman for the next few weeks. Needless to say, this woman no longer works
for us, but is going to Law School instead. Scary thought!

#41
A fellow technician told me about this.
Customer: This PC sure is a lot quieter when it's turned off.

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