Ingredients: (feeds 20 people)

1 hobbit
1 gallon cooking oil
20 bulbs of garlic, crushed
20 large onions, chopped small
20 pounds wild mushrooms, sliced
10 pounds rice
salt and pepper for seasoning
1 sprig parsley for garnish

Method

Slowly roast the hobbit, alive, over an open fire. Score the hobbit's skin with a sharp knife, and rub salt into the skin. This will bring out a nice crackling. Baste occasionally with oil. The hobbit is ready when it stops screaming.

Meanwhile, saute the onions and garlic in the rest of the oil until soft. Add the mushrooms, cook over gentle heat until mushrooms are soft. Add salt and pepper to taste.

Meanwhile, boil rice rapidly until just ready.

Slice the roasted hobbit, serve on rice with mushrooms and onion spooned over.

Cribbed into the margin of the recipe you can see a number of notes in the drunken scrawl of the goblin cook.

• Dwarves can be substituted for hobbits, although they tend to be tougher and don't crackle as well.
• With cream added to the mushrooms and onions, this dish can be served with pasta instead of rice.
• If the hobbit has been dead for a few days, remove most of the visible maggots and add some cardamom and coriander to disguise the taste.

You can close the recipe book and cast your attention back to the mess-hall if you wish.

Alternatively, if you know where you wish to head within the halls, you may consult your site map to take you straight there.