Hello, and welcome to the Quote Page of the Mighty Magus Noctis. Now for the disclaimer:

Whatever quotes are here are uses most likely without permission (especially those by Norman Osmand) and are not intended as an infringement on any copyrights or anything of the sort. To the best of my knowledge, the quotes belong to whoever I’ve listed them as belonging to, but if you have any information as to any wrong or mislabeled quotes, please contact me here. And even if you still feel the need to sue me even though I’ve already said that I’m not trying to cheat you out of anything and I’ve given you a way to contact me so we can work it out like two rational, non-ligitomaniacal, adults, please realize that I have no money whatsoever, so your efforts will be in vain. Enjoy!

There are only four questions of value in life, Don Octavio. What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for, and what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same: only love. —Don Juan, Don Juan DeMarco

Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and slow to anger. —Anonymous

Do not meddle in the affairs of witches, for you are stupid and easily cursed. —Anonymous

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup. —Anonymous

Infinity is my religion; uncertainty, my truth. —{+S+}

Honesty is the best policy, cause you never know who’s watching. —{+S+}

The person that never sounds stupid is the person that says nothing at all. —{+S+}

If all else fails, blow it up! —{+S+}

Some people got it, some people have to work for it, and others couldn’t even find it with the help of the CIA! —{+S+}

A pessimist enjoys being right; an optimist dosen’t mind being a fool. —{+S+}

Coolness is 90% timing. —{+S+}

Be very careful who you annoy. —{+S+}

Dig yourself in deep enough, you just might hit oil. —{+S+}

Trust no one completely, not even yourself. —{+S+}

You shouldn’t assume anything without knowing almost everything. —{+S+}

Thou shalt not call the DM a wanker. —{+S+}

If the DM says it rains from the ground up, it rains from the ground up! —{+S+}

Better to leap into the mouth of the abyss than to be dragged in. —{+S+}

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Mockery is the sincerest form of getting someone pissed off. —Sam “Springer” Albrook, played by {+S+}

Half of a shitload is still a shitload. —{+S+}

We plan, shit happens, Fate ROTFLHAO. —Sam “Springer” Albrook, played by {+S+}

The worst evil of all is often done in the name of good. —Manera Kralan, played by {+S+}

There is no greater evil than that which believes itself good. —Tamera Jacobs, played by {+S+}

I usually give making potential allies priority over taking vengeance on potential enemies. —Tamera Jacobs, played by {+S+}

Bad times make good friends. —Tamera Jacobs, played by {+S+}

It has, however, been my experience that jumping to conclusions is one of the most dangerous things to do. —Dotarek, played by {+S+}

If I ever decide to get drunk again, please hit me many times with a big stick. —Osamma, played by {+S+}

When someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown. But it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and bitchslap that mutherfucker upside the head. —Anonymous

If everyone was a fool, we’d all be democrats. If everyone was a grouch, we’d all be republicans. If everyone was a maniac, we’d all be Ross Perot. —Jim Mangiameli

There are two types of people: Those who laugh at my jokes and idiots. —Jim Mangiameli

Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Cry, and the world laughs at you. —Jim Mangiameli

Forgive, but never forget. —Ben Thompson

Stressed is just desserts spelled backwards. —Patricia Carlson

Flattery will get you nowhere. Money...that gets you someplace! —Johnny O’Brien

Sshh! You’ll wake the pods. —Johnny O’Brien

I find it rather amazing that in our world today we have such weapons that can end a person’s life in a mere instant and yet the strongest weapons we have are in fact the oldest. These weapons can destroy a person’s hope, rip a person’s heart to shreads, tear at a person’s mind until there is nothing left of it. These weapons can even render a person totally helpless to any other form of attack and yet they are so simple any fool can use them without even thinking of the consequences, whether they are blinded by fury or merely apathetic to the pain they cause. These weapons are words and all who use them must be careful for a mere few thoughtless words, can push a mind over the edge, shatter a heart into pieces and throw a poor soul into a bottomless pit of despair. —Johnny O’Brien

Nobody has too many friends to die. That is a fact of life. —Jarod Dallian, played by Johnny O’Brien

The shit has hit the fan, and you are all in the splatter radius. —Jeff Alcorn

No, I don’t wanna add a quote. —Louise Bouchard

With great strength comes great stupidity. —Norman Osmand

Hey, I’m not a cheater! —Cheetor, played by Norman Osmand

I don’t like that guy; that guy’s spooky. —Gastly, played by Norman Osmand

You’re the DM. Stop sniffing my bag! —Mike Coates

See, back where I come from, where there’s dwarves and goblins, AND EVERYTHING’S NORMAL!!!! —the nameless one, played by Mike Coates

I’m getting there come hell or high water! Hell, let them both come. I have a fire retardent wet suit with a snorkle! —Shawn

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid. —Soren Aabye Kierkegaard

Give me the child. Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the Goblin City to take back the child that you have stolen, for my will is as strong as yours, and my kingdom is as great. You have no power over me. —Sarah, Labyrinth

I don’t make things difficult. That’s the way they get, all by themselves. —Martin Riggs, Lethal Weapon

You have the right to remain unconscious. Anything you say ain’t gonna be much. —Martin Riggs, Lethal Weapon 3

I’m very frank and earnest with women. In Chicago I’m Frank, and in New York I’m Earnest! —Mitch Hennessy, The Long Kiss Goodnight

Where you’re going is the only place on earth where the geese chase you. —Ian Malcom, The Lost World: Jurassic Park

Oooh! Ahhh! That’s how it always starts. Then later there’s running and screaming. —Ian Malcom, The Lost World: Jurassic Park

Why doesn’t anyone listen to me? I speak simple English, I don’t have an accent as far as I can tell. —Ian Malcom, The Lost World: Jurassic Park

Hang on. This is going to be bad. —Ian Malcom, The Lost World: Jurassic Park

Lawyers are like nuclear warheads. I have them because the other guy has them, but the first time you use them it fucks everything up. —Larry the Liquidator Garfield, Other People’s Money

Mr. McKittrick, after very careful consideration, sir, I’ve come to the conclusion that your new defense system sucks. —General Beringer, WarGames

That which is eternal cannot die. But if it’s any consolation to you, sweet Alex, THAT HURT LIKE HELL! —Djinn, Wishmaster

I want the people to know that they still have two out of three branches of the government working for them, and that ain’t bad. —President Dale, Mars Attacks

Most of the men in this town think monogamy is some kind of wood. —Peggy Brandt, The Mask

I’m smart; you’re dumb. I’m big; you’re little. And there’s nothing you can do about it. —Harry Wormwood, Matilda

Power is fleeting; love is eternal. —Princess Lyssa, Krull

If we shadows have offended
Think but this, and all is mended:
That you have but slumbered here
While these visions did appear,
And this weak and idle theme
No more yielding than a dream.
—Puck, A Midsummer Night’s Dream

You don’t understand. I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. —Terry Malloy, On the Waterfront

I missed! I never miss! They must have been smaller than I thought! —Mason Storm, Hard to Kill

I love the freedom of not knowing what I’m gonna do until I’m apologizing for having done it! —Mary, Party Girl

You know how some pill bottles say, “Don’t operate heavy machinery”? Right now, Judy could kill herself with a tissue! —Mary, Party Girl

I could’ve been a rock singer, if only I hadn’t been banned from MTV. Long story. But anyway, I only know that one song. Well, I do a mean Puff the Magic Dragon, but only in the nude. Longer story. —Ford Fairlane, The Adventures of Ford Fairlane

Johnny was the only guy who could out-disgust me. When we were kids we had gross-out contests. I coughed a pile of phlegm on a table, he said “Nice try!” and pulled out a straw... —Ford Fairlane, The Adventures of Ford Fairlane

It’s a matter of life after death, now that he’s dead I have a life. —Mrs. White, Clue

I’M NOT SHOUTING! ALL RIGHT, I AM! I’M SHOUTING, I’M SHOUTING, I’M SHOUT [candlestick falls from above and hits him on the head] —Wadsworth, Clue

Wodsworth: We’re like the Mounties; we always get out man!
Mr. Green: Mrs. Peacock was a man?
—Clue

There’s a kind of freedom in being completely screwed, because you know things can’t possibly get any worse. —Clark Kellogg, The Freshman

Badges? We ain’t got no badges. We don’t need no badges. I don’t have to show you any stinking badges. —Gold Hat, The Treasure of the Sierra Madre

Badges? We don’t need no stinking badges! —Mexican Bandolero, Blazing Saddles

Badgers? Badgers? We don’t need no stinking badgers! —Raul Hernandez, UHF

Lesbian Nazi Hookers Abducted by UFOs and Forced Into Weight Loss Programs all next week on Town Talk! —George Newman, UHF

You took the box! Let’s see what in the box! [box is opened] Nothing! Absolutely nothing!! Stupid!! You’re so stupid!!! —Kuni, UHF

These floors are dirty as hell, and I’m not gonna take it any more! —Raul Hernandez, UHF

Knowing everything won’t do you a bit of good unless you use it to put beauty in the world. —Ole Golly, Harriet the Spy

Does the cat always have to be the brains of the operation? Beauty and brains. I never cease to amaze myself. —Sassy, Homeward Bound II

Timmon: Who’s the brains of this opperation?
Pumba: Uh...
Timmon: My point exactly.
—The Lion King

Young lovers seek perfection. Old lovers learn the art of sewing shreds together and of seeing beauty in a multiplicity of patches. —Marianne, How to Make an American Quilt

Max: My teacher tells me beauty is on the inside.
Fletcher: That’s just something ugly people say.
—Liar Liar

Did my heart love ’till now? For swear at sight, I never saw true beauty ’till this night. —Romeo, Romeo + Juliet

That’s the beauty of music. They can’t take that away from you. —Andy Dufresne, The Shawshank Redemption

A thing of beauty; destroy it forever! —Chief Meanie, Yellow Submarine

Everything contains its opposite. —Jack McCloud, Three Wishes

If you can dream it, you can make it happen. —Adam Macarthur, The Visitor

Do you want my answer or the company answer? —Mother, The Visitor

You have no idea about true evil. Now go stand by that rock. —Old Man, Millenium

We must respect evil. And we must make evil respect us. —Old Man, Millenium

The gentle demand something of themselves. The petty demand something of others. —Anonymous

May be innocent, may be sweet; ain’t half as nice as rotting meet! —Legend

Who be you, buckethead? —Legend

Mortal world turned to ice. Here be goblin paradice! —Legend

Only the free have the disposition to be truthful.
Only the truthful have the desire to be just.
Only the just have the will-power to be free.
—W. H. Auden, In Time of War: Commentary

Change is inevitable... except from a vending machine. —Anonymous

It’s a strong man who sheds blood. It’s a brave man who sheds pride. —Black Dragonz

Try not. Do. Or do not. There is no try. Only do. —Yoda, Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back

The Force will be with you, always. —Obi-Wan Kenobi, Star Wars

They can have any colour car they want, as long as they want black. —Henry Ford

Everybody talks about the weather but nobody ever does anything about it. —Mark Twain(Samuel Langhorne Clemens)

A word to the wise ain’t necessary. It’s the stupid that need the advice. —Bill Cosby

I am Cain. I will help you. —Kwai Chang Cain, Kung Fu: The Legend Continues

Where on Earth am I now?!? —Ryouga, Ranma½

They can take our lives, but they canna’ take our freedom! —William Wallace, Braveheart

No, no, no, Lisa. If adults don’t like their jobs, they don’t go on strike. They just go in every day and do it really half-assed. —Homer Simpson, The Simpsons

I am The Wolf Man! Awoooo! —The Wolf Man, The Hillarious House of Frightenstein

Don’t vorry, ve get vorse! *HONK! HONK!* —Count Frightenstein, The Hillarious House of Frightenstein

Give a guy a break and you’ll end up broken! —Lina Inverse, Slayers

If you want someone to help you, you’ve got to give them information and compensation. —Lina Inverse, Slayers: The Motion Picture

*after explainig the Rah Tilt spell*
Zelgadis: Kids, don’t try this at home.
Lina: Like they could!
—Slayers

If actions speak louder than words, then why are we sitting here blabbering?! —Lìna Inverse (played by Jessica Osborne)

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, stranger. It just depends whether or not you give so much of a damn as to give a misguided beholder a black eye is all.. —Simone Cortez (played by Clarita Buhain)

Death is nature’s way of killing you. —Bill Maher, Pollitically Incorrect

Spirituality is one thing. Religion is the bureaucracy that gets in the way. —Bill Maher, Pollitically Incorrect

The only ones who should have stayed together for the kids are the Beatles. —Bill Maher, Pollitically Incorrect

I like mental illness in a person. —Susan Doenime

I haven’t had a good grovel in weeks! —Corwin, Nine Princes in Amber

Personal feelings don’t make for good politics, legal decisions, or business deals. —Corwin, Nine Princes in Amber

Sometimes I think of us as a gang of mean old ladies in a combination rest home and obsttacle course. —Corwin, The Guns of Avalon

All scheming princes must keep a few small secrets. —Corwin, The Guns of Avalon

Jesse & James: To protect the world from devastation!
Meowth: *jumps up and smacks them with a fan* Ixnay!
—Pokémon

That was really disturbing. —Brock, Pokémon

A strategy. So they’ve planned a new way to lose. —Lt. Surge, Pokémon

You think a minor thing like the end of the world was gonna do me in? —SABIN, Final Fantasy III

Merrick:One vampire is a lot easier to kill than ten.
Buffy: Does the word “duh” mean anything to you?
—Buffy the Vampire Slayer

*After getting his whole arm cut off* You ruined my jacket! Kill him A LOT! —Amilyn, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Amilyn: We’re immortal! We can do anything!
Buffy: Oh yea? Clap.
—Buffy the Vampire Slayer

There is no spoon. —Neo, The Matrix

Stop trying to hit me and hit me! —Morpheus, The Matrix

Any worthy GM realizes that players come first in the game, and that it is his or her obligation to make it enjoyable for everyone. —Mark C. MacKinnon, The Sailor Moon Role-Playing Game and Resource Book

Never send a human to do a machine’s job. —Agent Smith, The Matrix

Tank: So what do you need? Besides a miracle.
Neo: Guns. Lots of guns.
—The Matrix

You can major in Game Boy if you know how to bullshit. —Droz, PCU

Robin: Hey, Droz, how ’bout this: Tonight, at the Pit, “Everyone Gets Laid.”
Droz: It’s tasteless, disgusting, and offensive. I love it.
—PCU

You know that show, “Touched by an Angel”? Well, this ain’t it. —Mr. Chapel, Vengeance Unlimited

*After hitting a guy with a Bible* Those Gideons make a very effective product, don’t they? And they’re free—what’s up with that? What do they do, sneak into hotel rooms at night? Have you ever met a Gideon? I guess not. —Mr. Chapel, Vengeance Unlimited

*Pretending to have killed a female client.* Women. For a guy like me, it’s always gonna end at some incinerator, holding a piece of footwear. —Mr. Chapel, Vengeance Unlimited

In a world of chaos, wrinkle-free pants keep you sane. —Mr. Chapel, Vengeance Unlimited

Somewhere along the line, your values took a tumble. What did it? Drugs? Hookers? Free tickets to the Ice Capades? —Mr. Chapel, Vengeance Unlimited

Hey, c’mon, you haven’t lived until you’ve had a horse tranquilizer. —Mr. Chapel, Vengeance Unlimited

What do I want? I want to go back in time and stop John from meeting Yoko. —Mr. Chapel, Vengeance Unlimited

KC: Quick question.
Chapel: Yeah?
KC: Are you Satan?
Chapel: No.
KC: Just checking.
—Vengeance Unlimited

If you try that again, I’ll break every bone in your body, one per second. That’s 206 seconds, maybe seven, give or take a bone. —Mr. Chapel, Vengeance Unlimited

*Hauling out a bad guy rolled up in a carpet.*
Bradford: Is there a guy in there?
Chapel: Yeah. He sold me a bad rug. I was pretty mad about it.
—Vengeance Unlimited

*Remembering his time in El Salvador.*
Colonel: Have you ever been beaten half to death by wooden rakes?
Mr. Chapel: I sat through “The English Patient” once.
—Vengeance Unlimited

You being melodramatic is about as natural as an oral bowel movement! —Randal, Clerks

Please, Mr. Merchant of Death, sir, please, sell me something that will stink up my breath and my clothes and fry my lungs. —Chewlies Gum Rep, Clerks

“Empire” had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader’s his father, Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that’s what life is, a series of down endings. All “Jedi” had was a bunch of Muppets. —Dante Hicks, Clerks

You know, there’s a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But they don’t all bring you lasagna at work. Most of ’em just cheat on you. —Silent Bob, Clerks

What do you mean there’s no ice! I have to drink this coffee hot? —Customer, Clerks

I feel a hate crime coming on. —Banky, Chasing Amy

Bitch, what you don’t know about me I can just about squeeze in the Grand fucking Canyon. Did you know I always wanted to be a dancer in Vegas? —Silent Bob, Chasing Amy

Archie is NOT fucking Mr. Weatherbee! —Jay, Chasing Amy

Scientist: So do you have any suspects with nuclear reactors in their basements?
Det. Lennie Briscoe: As a matter of fact, we do.
—Law & Order

A.D.A. Ben Stone: Better to light a match than curse the darkness.
D.A. Adam Schiff: Be careful you don’t light a fuse.
—Law & Order

Terrific. Now to win a larceny trial all we have to do is prove how the universe ends. —D.A. Adam Schiff, Law & Order

D.A. Adam Schiff: Started with a murder, ends with an execution. You got what you wanted. Take the rest of the week off.
A.D.A. Jack McCoy: It’s Friday, Adam.
D.A. Adam Schiff: So it is. See you on Monday.
—Law & Order

I specifically asked for him to be put on suicide watch. Apparently here at Riker’s that mean that they watch you commit suicide. —Detective Lennie Briscoe, Law & Order

You know I don’t need you to tell me I’m a sonuvabitch. Been one for a long time. The hours are good and there’s no heavy lifting. But I happen to be a sonuvabitch whose wife was shot by another sonuvabitch. —Michael Dobson, Law & Order

New Hampshire. I spent a year there one weekend. —Det. Lennie Briscoe, Law & Order

The commandment says, “Thou shalt not kill.” It does not say, “Thou shalt not kill only nice people.” —A.D.A. Ben Stone, Law & Order

I’ve got you for conspiracy, and if I eat my Wheaties I can get you for second-degree murder. —A.D.A. Jack McCoy, Law & Order

You know, if I didn’t already know you don’t have kids, I’d know you don’t have kids. —Det. Lennie Briscoe, Law & Order

D.A. Adam Schiff: Clarence Darrow had Leopold and Leob, and who do we have?
A.D.A. Jack McCoy: Beavis and Butthead.
—Law & Order

Although justice must be tempered with mercy, it must still maintain a sense of retribution. —A.D.A. Ben Stone, Law & Order

The jury should look like society. People that represent the victim as well as the defendant. —A.D.A. Ben Stone, Law & Order

My mother used to hold a rosary in one hand while she beat me with the other. The next time I enter a church, six of my closest buddies will be carrying me. —Det. Mike Logan, Law & Order

I don’t want to just rain on your parade, I want to blow up all the floats. —Detective Robert Munch, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit

Dharma: *holding up an ice cube* Look, Greg, it’s your mother’s heart.
Greg: Melt it and we’ll have your father’s brains.
—Dharma and Greg

Evil king: TWO Xenas?!
Xena: That’s right. Makes ya wanna cry like a baby, doesn’t it?
—Xena: Warrior Princess

Joxer: I’ve seen evil and I’ve changed my ways.
Jet: Bro, if you saw evil, you’d have to change your PANTS.
—Xena: Warrior Princess

Difficult times call for unique measures. —Knight of the Pierced Heart, Xena: Warrior Princess

How I feel about you doesn’t matter. It’s you who has to live with yourself. —Xena, Xena: Warrior Princess

Joxer, you can barely kill TIME. —Xena, Xena: Warrior Princess

Welcome to my world... now get ready to leave it. —Callisto, Xena: Warrior Princess

Gabrielle: Autolycus, an innocent person is going to die!
Autolycus: *refusing to help in a plan* No he isn’t, because he’s leaving.
—Xena: Warrior Princess

Ah, another day, another defilement. —Autolycus, Xena: Warrior Princess

Choose the one drink you wouln’t give your worst enemy, and give me a double. —Autolycus, Xena: Warrior Princess

I’ve been grabbed more times than the golden fleece. —Gabrielle, Xena: Warrior Princess

I’m not as dumb as he looks. —Autolycus, Xena: Warrior Princess

There’s a concept called personal space. Look into it. —Autolycus, Xena: Warrior Princess

Minya: I expect more from the god of war. I mean without his powers he’s just another man. Just another big ol’, leather-clad, well-muscled, gorgeous, hunka bad boy... man.
Gabrielle: How are your hormones?
Minya: Raging! I think I’ll go see Howard.
—Xena: Warrior Princess

You may be immortal but I can still do damage. How’d you like to spend eternity in five pieces? —Xena, Xena: Warrior Princess

I do believe your smelly, sweaty leader is flitring with the goddess of love. —Aphroditie, Xena: Warrior Princess

I’ve got it! The North Star is on the verge of extinction, we’ve got the fate of the world in our hands, we’ve got no choice. We’re going fishing. —Xena, Xena: Warrior Princess

Esmeralda! I had no idea you were inflatable! —Quasimodo, played by Ryan Styles, Who's Line is it Anyway

My life is not a story about falling down, it’s a story about getting up. —Ben Jones

Life is like a box of chocoloates, a cheap, thoughtless, perfunctory gift no one ever asks for. Unreturnable because all you get back is another box of chocolates. So you’re stuck with this mostly undefinable whipped mint crap, mindlessly wolfed down when there’s nothing else to eat during the game. Sure, once in a while you get a peanut butter cup or an English toffee, but it’s gone too soon and the taste is fleeting. In the end you’re left with nothing but broken bits of hardened jelly and teeth-shattering nuts, which if you are desperate enough to eat, leaves nothing but useless brown paper wrappers. —Cigarette-Smoking Man, The X Files

Mulder: He believes the government is out to get him.
X: It's tax season, so do most Americans.
—The X Files

Mulder: How was the opera?
X: Wonderful. I've never slept better.
—The X Files

Byers: He’s being put into power by the most heinous and evil force in the 20th century.
Mulder: Barney?
—The X Files

Scully: Mulder, toads just fell from the sky!
Mulder: I guess their parachutes didn't open.
—The X Files

*On finding a severed thumb.* Siskel or Ebert? —Agent Fox Mulder, The X Files

*Looking at a destroyed doorbell button.* Frustrated Jehovah's Witness? —Agent Fox Mulder, The X Files

*A rainmaker is losing control on his powers.* I’ll build the ark, you fetch the animals. —Agent Fox Mulder, The X Files

Scully: *Upon seeing a body in two pieces.* So, should we arrest David Copperfield?
Mulder: Yes, but not for this.
—The X Files

Here’s a tip: aluminum foil. It makes a lovely hat and it blocks out the government’s mind-control rays. It’ll keep you guys out of trouble. —Det. Robert Munch, The X Files

Melissa: *Entering Mulder’s apartment.* Why is it so dark in here?
Mulder: The lights aren’t on.
—The X Files

Scully: According to the briefing the prisoners escaped while hiding in laundry cart.
Mulder: I don't think the guards have been watching enough prison movies.
—The X Files

Begin autopsy on white male, age sixty, who is arguably having a worse time in Texas than I am, though not by much. I’ll begin with the Y-incision. Yee-ha. —Agent Dana Scully, The X Files

Scully: Have you ever had any dealings with a cow?
Mulder: Agent Scully, WHAT are you implying?
—The X Files

Scully: You know, on the old mariners’ maps, the cartographers would designate uncharted territory by writing “here be monsters.”
Mulder: I've got a map of New York City just like that.
—The X Files

Glaser: If we become blinded by the beauty of nature we may fail to see its cruelty and violence.
Scully: Walt Whitman?
Glaser: No, “When Animals Attack.” On the FOX Network.
—The X Files

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