But since they never sacrificed, who knows what else was lies?
Puff, the Doomsday Dragon, too tired to go on
Flew out o'er the lava, did a Greg Lougainis swan..."
This is ever-growing collection of humor relating to the Quest for Glory Games. It seems very appropriate to have such a page devoted to one of the funniest, whackiest and most enjoyable game series of all times. So get your puns ready and let's get cracking!
The material here is gathered from a variety of sources: original ideas, contributions by other fans and on Sierra's official Quest for Glory message board, ideas from other Quest for Glory and other humor web sites, and so on. Thanks to all of you for your comedic contributions and be sure to keep 'em coming!
[Note: The Top Ten Lists have been moved to their own separate page]
Quest for Glory vs King's Quest: Who would win?
In a fight between these pairs of characters from the two epic Sierra series, we asked several respondents as to who would win. No weapons allowed in the fight although innate magic abilities are acceptable. Here are some responses (feel free to send witty ones of your own).
A Fighter or Prince Alexander?
Alex. Think about it. The Fighter is just a nameless hero who can completely destroy eight
goblins at a time and then still have some energy leftover for a Dinosaur or two. Alex, however,
couldn't even bring his ship to a stop without blowing it up and throwing giant
two-by-four splints everywh -- Oh, right. Okay, I meant to choose the Fighter.
Baron von Spielburg or King Graham?
King Graham (Really, this time). I've never seen a guy in his mid-sixties
do that much bad-guy-bashing in one day.
Erana or Genesta?
I think this one's very obvious. Erana has my vote. She just
commands respect. You don't mess with Erana.
Elsa or Princess Rosella?
No contest. Elsa would wipe the floor with Rosella. She's a warrior, quick with a
blade, and what does Rosella have? A stick maybe... Unless they were fighting in a big tub
of jello, in which case they'd both probably do a lot of falling down.....and squealing.
Erasmus or Crispin?
Crispin hardly can remember his own name, much less how to cast a spell correctly... and if
anything at least Fenrus might be able to beat Crispin if Erasmus was too busy
telling bad jokes and drinking tea.
While Crispin was just this crazy geezer, Erasmus was a bit... I think "out of it" is
a good term. Still, Erasmus' got a witty rat, while Crispin's got a wuss-boy owl.
Manu the Monkey or Cedric the Owl?
Cedric was a wuss-boy. Manu would get medieval on his feathered rear.
Baba Yaga or Hagatha?
Baba Yaga; that Hagatha or whoever just doesn't cut it.
Ad Avis or Mordack?
Ad Avis. Anyone who can fall off a high rooftop and still be
open to possession has my respect.
The annoying Djinn or Shamir the Genie?
Shamir was just too cool. He liked mints.
The Demon Wizard or Mannanan?
Hmmmm.... definitely something I'd order on pay-per-view. I think the Demon
Wizard might've been more powerful, but Mannanan had that cool mustache!
Let's see. A skinny old man compared to a nearly-omnipotent Satanic demon-entity with
acidic goo in his mouth. Hard call there.
A Liontaur or a Winged One?
Liontaur. Anyone who's stupid enough to sacrifice a maiden to a small
cow about half their size could not possibly face a Liontaur without wetting his toga.
Magda or Madame Mushka?
Magda has tarrot cards, after all, and if those don't scare anyone,
she can always rely on the wolf thing.
The QFG2 Brigands or the KQ5 Bandits?
The brigands were quite a bit more efficient than the KQ thieves.
I'd rather be robbed blind by them. (After all, the KQ thieves themselves
got robbed by Graham. Not very good, are they?)
Harun Al-Rashid or King Edward?
It doesn't matter that I can't remember who Harun Al-Rashid is;
he's got to be better than some 80-year-old arthritis victim.
SPIM or the Cat Cookie?
Sorry, the cat cookie wins. The Spim might only make a person sick,
not turn them into a cat.
The Underground Blue Guy from QFG3 or that Thing Hanging From the Branch On That One Island In KQ6?
Er... The blue guy. He's bigger, and he can formulate thoughts completely.
The Druids or the Chernovys?
I think the Druids, since they don't have to worry about lacking functional
appendages or opposable thumbs. Or any other digits, for that matter. Besides, they
just look cooler.
Stuffed Elderberry Leaves.
INGREDIENTS: (For four guests) Twenty elderberry leaves, 1 dead demon worm (diced), two cups of Hero marrow, 1 crushed Earth elemental.
METHOD: Combine the demon worm, marrow, and elemental. Mix well. Then roll into a long sausage, cut into fingerlengths, and wrap elderberry leaf around each portion. Cast ICESHARD upon the stuffed leaves, and serve immediately.
Saurus Tail Special.
INGREDIENTS: 15 Saurii Tails, one combat knife (Paladin Sword if available for finer cuts), 6 liters of swamp goo, one really big pot.
METHOD: First, pour the goo into the pot. Then soak the tails in the goo for about ten minutes to soften them. Use the knife, or Paladin Sword where available, to dice the tails into several pieces. Serve on a platter.
Wraith Delight.
INGREDIENTS: One very strong and powerful wraith, a quantity of vorpol bunny eyes (20-30 is the usual number), a handful of hands from the Swamp, 1 teaspoon of coffin dust, plus a small quantity of Meep fur, and the drained blood of ten beheaded vampires.
METHOD: Drown wraith in the blood, and allow to marinate overnight. In the meantime, macerate the hands and Meep fur by casting CRUSH upon them, and then jump up and down upon the pulpy mess. Mix into the marinated wraith mixture, and cook slowly in a dragon-heated cauldron for two hours. Throw in the eyes, season with the coffin dust, and eat as desired.
Roast Wyvern.
INGREDIENTS: one Wyvern, six cups of Hippocrene water, two ounces of Dragon's Breath, one Brazier, and a Flame Dart Spell.
METHOD: Here's whatcha do: place the dead Wyvern on the brazier and ignite it with a Flame Dart. *LIGHTLY* season it with the Dragon's Breath and let it cook for fifteen minutes. When done, put out the fire by pouring Hippocrene water on the Wyvern. Voila! Instant meal!
NOTE: Be *sure* to make sure the Wyvern is dead before attempting to place it on the brazier. Failure to do so may result in Flame Broiled Cook.
Skull Soup.
INGREDIENTS: Two skulls (preferably talking - the scream they make when they go in the pot is half the fun), 1 raven, a Screaming Ivy, plus a black rooster previously used in a voodoo sacrifice, and a pot full of Swamp water.
METHOD: Bring water to boiling point in a mouldy cauldron, then throw in the raven and the rooster, cook until mushry, then pulverise the Screaming Ivy and toss that in, stir for 1 minute, and finally add the two skulls and cast Boom upon them until they are pulverised. Eat while hot.
Hut Feed.
INGREDIENTS: One Vorpal Bunny, Two Hundred Chicken Seeds, Three Banzai Plants, One Woman Named 'Anna', One Man Named 'Nikolai'.
METHOD: First, find your Anna and Nikolai and use a Wraith to take their souls. Then, glue 100 chicken seeds on each body and add Vorpal Bunny meat for flavour. Serve to a Chicken-legged Hut with the bonzai plants, and you have a happy house!
Hero Soufflé.
INGREDIENTS: one hero, 1 cup bonemeal, chopped mandrake roots, a quantity of goo, and 1 cup Styx water.
METHOD: Cook hero until tender, then combine in blender with bonemeal and water, gradually add goo and mandrake roots until consistency is creamy. Place mixture into pan. Cast Lightning Bolt at the mixture (low power) until cooked. Enjoy!
(Additional recipes discovered by Rognik)
Eye Scream!.
INGREDIENTS: 2 dozen eyeballs (green is best, but any colour will do), one quart necrotaur milk, ice cubes.
METHOD: Mash the eyeballs until runny. Put milk in a churner. Add the eyeball paste slowly while churning the milk. Add ice periodically to keep it cold. Once churned, freeze for a day. Eat when ready. Tastes great smothered with Groo Goo.
Mandrake Mousse.
INGREDIENTS: 100 g chocolate, one mandrake root, two celery stalks, dozen eggs.
METHOD: Melt the chocolate into a large bowl. Add half the eggs and beat until very thick. Finely chop Mandrake Root, Mandrake Powder is preferrable. Sprinkle in mandrake while mixing. Serve in a bowl with celery stick on the side.
(sung to the tune of These are a few of my favorite things)
Hero Sandwiches and bile liver juice
Eye scream with nuts or Mandrake mousse
Bonemeal and grue goo and garlicky treats
These are a few of Baba's favorite eats
When her belly growls, when her spells go wrong, when she's hopping mad
She simply partakes of her favorite foods and then she don't feel so bad
Frog legs Fricassee and Monkey brains stew
Elderberry pies all filled up with goo
Wyvern waffles with neat manmade sweets
These are a few of Baba's favorite eats
When her belly growls, when her spells go wrong, when she's hopping mad
She simply partakes of her favorite foods and then she don't feel so bad
Manburger sandwiches with dried saurus steak
Frenchmen fries and a chocolate milk sheikh
Green Spleen casserole with roast legs of meats
These are a few of Baba's favorite eats
When her belly growls, when her spells go wrong, when she's hopping mad
She simply partakes of her favorite foods and then she don't feel so bad
Error 52
They screamed until their face turned blue
Did everything that they could do
They went so far, were almost through
And Crash! came Error 52.
And now they start feeling blue
Going mad, and so would you
Wondering what they could do
To fix Error 52.
They then ask others for a clue
On what it is they need to do
Download programs, MoSlo too
To get by Error 52.
Nothing worked, nothing new
To help try to get on through
They vowed Sierra, they'd sue
Over Error 52.
And their exasperation grew
With QG4 and Sierra too
The day they bought it, they now rue
For then came Error 52.
Oh dear, now what shall they do?
They've gone and broke their CPU
Tore each diskette into two
Because of Error 52.
(sung to the tune of Puff The Magic Dragon)
"Puff the Doomsday Dragon lived on Marete
And burned the buildings down to ash, the citizens he'd eat, oh...
Puff the Doomsday Dragon, bound by pillars strong
Until some mentally deranged dictator comes along
Centuries have passed by since wizards trapped him in
Atlantis sank beneath the waves by giant lizard's sins, oh...
Puff, the Doomsday Dragon lies now in wait
A thousand years of sleeping fast has not assuaged his hate
The rituals of murder began to break the spell
Heroes came to save the day but one by one they fell
King is dead and Logos...is giving Rites a try...
Knowing if that beast escapes, we'll kiss our butts goodbye, oh...
Puff, the Doomsday Dragon's time is almost here
To spread his wings of leathered scales and spread the dragonfear...
A dragon lives forever unless you sacrifice
Don't attack with fire, stick with poison and with ice...
One grim day it happened, and the fated stone is broke...
And Puff that mighty dragon, in anger he awoke.
The heroes stood to face him, their blood would fall like rain
Puff began his fav'rite task of causing others pain...
They fixed that pillar then, rebound him to this plane
And struck with magic swords and frost to drive the beast insane, Oh...
Puff, the Doomsday Dragon thought it could not die
But since they never sacrificed, who knows what else was lies?
Puff, the Doomsday Dragon, too tired to go on
Flew out o'er the lava, did a Greg Lougainis swan..."