By James Chang

nikken@erols.com

http://www.oocities.org/TimesSquare/Battlefield/2740

One fine day, Bahamut killed Tiamat. It was the happiest day ever.

THE END

: Heh heh heh, I like this story.

What THE...!?

(Six tired warriors enter.)

Fighter:  Stupid Bahamut!  Make us pass that stupid test...

Black Belt:  Yeah!  We're on a mission to save the world, for crying out loud!

White Mage:  Ewww... Why did he make the test object a rat's tail!  Gross!

Black Mage:  Do you think I can use it for making my mystic stew?

White Mage:  Ewww!  Gross!

Thief:  I don't see why everyone is so mad.  I liked the treasures we found. (Looks at Gold Ring)

Black Mage:  That Castle of Ordeals was scary.

Red Mage:  Ha!  With me along, there was no way for us to fail that test!

Fighter:  Shut up.

Black Belt:  Well, anyway, now we can recieve that power we need to restore the orbs.

(Tiamat is watching)

Tiamat:  Those stupid light warriors.  They beat up Kary and Lich!  And, after they beat Kraken, they'll go after me!  I can't even rely on Warmech.  That dumb guard sleeps sixety-three out of sixety-four times!  I can't let those light warriors recieve Bahamut's power!

(Meanwhile...)

Drunken seven headed dragon:  Yeah!  That's me!  I'm Bahamut's wife!

Dragon:  No you're not!  You're not even a girl!  You're just saying that because you're drunk!

(Dragon leaves.  ServantM and ServantF, Bahamut's two servants from FF4, enter the bar)

ServantM:  Beer!

ServantF:  Beverage!

ServantM:  Wuss!

Drunken seven headed dragon:  I'm Bahamut's wife!

ServantM:  Lord Bahamut has a wife?  Cool!

ServantF:  Yeah!

Drunken seven headed dragon:  We even have a son!

ServantM:  Really?  What's his name?

ServantF:  Great!  Look at the time!  We have to get going!

(Meanwhile, in Bahamut's throne room)

Tiamat:  Bahamut!  You'd better not give those light warriors that power or else I'll kill you!

Warmech:  You can't kill Bahamut!

Tiamat:  (Whisper) Shut up!  I don't want him to know that!

Leviathan:  Um, Bahamut's not here, right now.

Tiamat:  Who the hell are you!?

Leviathan:  I'm Leviathan, a sea dragon.  Someday, Bahamut's going to make me the king of summoned monsters, as well as the god of some small nation called Wutai.

Tiamat:  Well, right now, you're spaghetti! (Slurps up Leviathan)  Mmm... Delicious!

Warmech:  Watch out!  The light warriors are coming!

Tiamat:  Oh no! (Tiamat uses a curtain as a robe in order to cover three of his heads)

Fighter:  Bahamut!  We're here!  We passed you're test!

Black Belt:  Is something wrong?  You look... fatter...

Tiamat:  (In Bahamut voice)  It's NOTHING!

Red Mage:  Here's your rat's tail!  Now give us the power.  Not like I need it, though, but my companions here...

Fighter:  Man!  Shut up!

Black Mage:  Can I keep the rat's tail for my mystic stew?

White Mage:  Gross!  Stop that! (slaps him)

Black Mage:  Argh!  No defense! (Dies)

Fighter:  MAN!  You killed our black mage!

Thief:  Bring him back!  Bring him back!

White Mage:  Do I have to...?

Red Mage:  I'd use life magic on him, but I'm not a wizard, yet.

White Mage:  Fine.  $&@().  Life.

Black Mage:  I'm alive, again!

(Leviathan pops out of Tiamat's mouth)

Leviathan:  Help!

Tiamat:  Shut up! (Stuffs him back in.)

Black Belt:  What the hell was that!?

Tiamat:  Nothing!

Fighter:  Something's fishy, here.

Tiamat:  That's me!  I'm Bahamut, the big fish!

White Mage:  You're not a big fish!

Tiamat:  I am in some legends!

Fighter:  I don't trust him.

Tiamat:  Shut up!  (Eats the fighter)  ANYONE ELSE NOT TRUST ME!?

Black Belt:  Man!  Just give us that power you promised us! (Shoves rat tail into Tiamat's hand)

Other Tiamat Head:  Lunch! (Eats the rat tail)

Black Mage:  NOOOO!  I was going to use that tail for my mystic stew!

Black Belt:  What the hell was that!?

Tiamat:  Nothing! (To Other Tiamat Head) You idiot!

Another Tiamat Head:  It smells in here!

Tiamat:  SHUT UP!

Black Belt:  Who are you talking to?

Tiamat:  Stop bugging me! (Eats the black belt.)

Thief:  You just have to eat everything, don't you?

Tiamat:  Oh yeah?

Thief:  Yipe! (Runs away before Tiamat can eat him)

(ServantF and ServantM come in.)

ServantF:  Hey!  Where's Leviathan?

Leviathan:  I'm in here!

Tiamat:  Shut up! (Digests Leviathan)

ServantM:  Oooo... a four headed dragon! (Rips off Tiamat's Robe)

Red Mage:  What the...?

Warmech:  Uh oh.  Busted.  You'd better give yourself in before Bahamut gets mad!

Tiamat:  Never!

ServantF:  What are you doing here, anyway?

ServantM:  I know!  You must be Bahamut's son!

Tiamat:  Eh?

(Fighter jumps out of Tiamat's stomach)

Fighter:  What's the big idea!?  You tried to digest me!  And what's with all of these extra heads?

Tiamat:  Um...

Bahamut:  What's going on? (Bahamut enters)

Warmech:  Well, Tiamat, you're dead.  Bye! (Runs away)

Tiamat:  Hey!  Come back here!

Bahamut:  Oh no.  It's Tiamat.

Tiamat:  I'd better think of something, quick!

Other Tiamat Head:  Well, those two stupid servants of Bahamut think your his son.

(Other dragons enter)

Another Tiamat Head:  It's a code of honor for a father to take care of his son.

Last Tiamat Head:  I have an idea!  Why don't we produce proof that we're his son?

Tiamat:  (Sarcastically)  Yeah, right.  IDIOT!  What proof do we have?

Other Tiamat Head:  Belch!

Another Tiamat Head:  Hey!  He vomited on me!

Tiamat:  Ah ha!  The rat tail!

Bahamut:  Get off of my throne!

Tiamat:  But I like it, DDAAAAAADDDDYYYYYY.

Bahamut:  What the hell?  Don't call me that!

Dragon:  Lord Bahamut, is this your son?

Bahamut:  No way!  Why would I have such a stupid...

Tiamat:  Yes!  I'm his son!  See?  I have the legendary rat's tail!

Fighter:  That's our rat tail!

Tiamat:  Shut up! (Eats the fighter, again.)

Dragon:  Lord Bahamut, why didn't you tell us this?

Bahamut:  HE'S NOT MY SON!

ServantM:  Sure he is!  You had a seven headed dragon for your wife, remember?  And the average of seven heads and one head is four heads, and this guy has four heads, and...

Bahamut:  What the hell are you talking about?  When did I marry a seven headed wife?

ServantF:  Hey M.  That dragon who told us that she was Bahamut's wife...  I think that was a GUY.

ServantM:  What?  Bahamut's gay?

Bahamut:  I'M NOT GAY!  YOU'RE FIRED!

ServantM:  Aww....

Tiamat:  All worship prince Tiamat!

Dragons:  HAIL!

Bahamut:  NO HAIL!  HAIL ME, DAMMIT!  ME ME ME!!!

Tiamat:  Calm down, DAAAAD.

Bahamut:  STOP CALLING ME THAT!

Black Mage:  Drat.  So much for my mystic stew.

White Mage:  Who cares about your mystic stew!

Red Mage:  I guess we won't be recieving that power after all.  Darn.  Er... I mean... It's not like I needed it, but you guys...

Fighter:  (From Tiamat's stomach)  MAN!  SHUT UP!

Thief:  Come on.  Let's go.

Black Belt:  (From Tiamat's stomach)  Wait!  What about us?

Tiamat:  (Digests the fighter and the black belt.)  Oh man.  I gotta go to the potty.

Thief:  Great.  Now we only have four party members.

Red Mage:  How the hell are we supposed to restore the four orbs with you wimps?

Thief:  HEY!  Speak for yourself!

Red Mage:  I am superman!

Black Mage:  Oh well.  I guess we'll only have four party members from now on.

Tiamat:  Daddy!  Feed me!

Bahamut:  Oh shut up.  I wonder where Leviathan is...

: This ending sucks! I liked my story better! From now on, I'm going to screen all of Tiamat's worthless pieces of %^*((*.