Talks were spreading among the mercenary fort of a new visitor.  Normally most of the soldiers there wouldn't have cared about the new visitor besides the fact that she was cute, but there was also the rumors of her... unique method of meeting with the commander of the fort.

    A kobold nurse ran over to the the long dark haired girl in the white robe leaning against the doorway to Flik's room.  "Okay, Viki.  We finally found Flik's pants!"  She wagged her tail as she held up the pants.

    "Thanks, Saily."  Viki took the pants and held them to the door.  The door opened up a nudge and a hand quickly reached out and snatched it inside.  Viki looked at the doorway and spoke towards it.  "I'm so sorry, Sir Flik.  It was an accident.  I didn't really mean to teleport into the shower like that and send all your clothes flying far away and all that other stuff."

    The door slammed in their faces.  Through the door, Flik shouted "Where's my leg brace?"

    The two women looked at each other and shrugged.  "What?"

    "The blue thing that goes around my leg!"

    "Oh."  Saily said.  "The manhunt is still out for the rest of your clothing."

    A red-faced Flik slinked his back on the other side of the door.  "Why me?" he muttered.  "It's embarrassing enough to be interrupted in the middle of a shower, but now half of the damn fort is looking for my clothes.  It can't get much worse than this."

    "Good news, Sir Flik!"  Saily barked.  "We've found your underwear!"

    The two of them looked at the door where Viktor stood, grinning ear to ear, twirling a pair of baby blue boxers with a cute little lightning bolt stitched in them on his finger.  "Looks like Flik not only has all the luck with the ladies," he said, composing his laughter as best he could, "but also with the kobolds.  Gengen just woke up from his nap, and guess what he found laying on top of his pillow?"

    "Just give them to me."  Flik shouted from the other side of the door, opening it just a tiny bit.  He made a grab for his boxers...

    ...just to have Viktor pull them away.  Viktor started to laugh.

    Flik made another grab for his underwear.

    "Viktor."  Flik said, trying to grab his underwear.

    Miss.  Laughter.

    "VikTOR."  Flik raised his voice.

    Another miss.  More laughter.

    "Listen to me, you obese dolt.  If you value any part of your life whatsoever, then you better give me my underwear before I go out there, shove my sword right through your heart, and hang it on my mantle as a trophy!!!

    Viktor, wailing with laughter, replied, "Exactly with which sword were you planning to impale me, Flik?"

    "Huh?  Flik has more than one sword?"  Viki blinked.

    Saily laughed.  "Of course!  Didn't you see it?"

    "See what?"

    Saily slowly whispered.  "His blue lightning."

    Viki looked at Saily.  "Um... what's that?"

    Saily leaned closer to Viki and whispered into her ears.  Viki's eyes grew wide before she quickly covered her ears. "AAAAAAH!  That's not something we really should be talking about!"

    Saily laughed.  "Maybe.  But don't you think it was big?"

    "Huh?  Oh, yea, I guess so..." Viki paused.  "ACK!  NO!!!  It wasn't big at all!  Oh wait... that's not a very nice thing to say, either!"

    Viktor howled in response.  He continued to tease his ailing accomplice and lash out at Flik's situation.  "Just be glad Viki didn't warp something more important than your unmentionables onto Gengen's pillow.  That could have been right embarrassing!"

    "I'm not sure if those are teleportable, reallYEEP!"  Viki quickly cut herself off.  "Ahem..."

    Without warning, thunderbolts began to surround Viktor.  Three bolts struck Viktor in unison, electrocuting him and causing some minor damage.  "You play with lightning, and you'll get fried."  Flik sneered from behind the door.  "Next time, I won't use the weakest spell on this rune."

    "Sir Flik, that wasn't very nice."  Viki snatched the boxers from Viktor's nicely toasted hands and handed them to Flik. "If you're not careful, you'll kill Sir Viktor.  He already died once at Gregminster Palace when it collapsed and I don't think he'll appreciate dying again."  Viki blinked then looked towards Flik.  "Come to think of it, you were dead, too.  And... aren't dead people supposed to be like, not alive?"  Viki looked at Viktor, then Flik, then Viktor again.  "Um... I'm starting to get really confused now."

    Viktor and Flik both simultaneously decided not to gratify that question with a response.
 

    I hate blinking runes.  I hate blinking runes and I hate all blinking magic.

    I put on my gloves, and struggled to make them fit.  I never did trust those damn things.  I'll stick to an old fashioned horse.  I don't want anyone or anything going around thinking they can teleport ME anywhere.  Hell no.  I'll probably wind up somewhere at the bottom of Lake Toran.

    I grabbed my bandanna and started to tie it around my head.  I pulled it tightly.  Teleportation is for the weak and lazy.  It's not worth risking going completely off schedule just to save an hour or two.  The tradeoff (and the risk) just isn't worth it.  Even that crappy blinking mirror that McDohl got.  I hated that thing; never trusted it.

    Lord only knows what Viki is doing here.  Sure, she played a (arguably) vital role in the Toran civil war.  She had a heart of gold, but the brain of a brick.

    I headed over to the war room.  Opening the door, I saw Viktor and Viki there.  The scowl on my face indicated that I was in no mood for bull shit from anyone about what just happened.

    "Why are you here, Viki?"  I said flatly.  After the words slipped out of my mouth though, I thought to myself she probably just teleported here by mistake.

    "Huh?  Why am I here?"  Viki looked at me and put her hand on her chin for a moment.  "Oh yes!  I was... ah... um.... well, let's see.  I think I'm supposed to be here but I don't remember what for.  Something about fulfilling my purpose by helping in a war or something like that."

    "I could have confused her by simply saying that she already had been in a war, but I decided not to go that route.  "So then why are you here, at this mercenary fortress?  What do you plan on doing?"  I figured that if I kept asking her enough, she was bound to remember.

    "Well... I think I'm looking for a job now."  Viki looked at her wand for a second.  "Lepant kinda figured out that I was nothing but dead wood or something like that because I made a couple slip ups like teleport McDohl half-way across the continent then leaving him to rot in prison, so I should be fired from my court teleporter position.  Hellion sent me here to give you some assistance, I think.  Or to go fetch McDohl and just forget about this war.  Not sure.  She was kinda weird about it.  But I guess the best way to figure out what I was supposed to do is see if you need help here and if you do, then that's probably why I'm here.  So, um, need any help doing whatever you're doing here?"

    Yes, this girl is not teleporting me anywhere.

    Viki paused to catch her breath.

    Viktor (who was combing the remainder of the ash from his hair) responded, "We'd love to take you on, Viki, but as of now the only locations for you to memorize would be a few flash fried border towns."

    "Oh, that's okay, memorizing tons of teleporting locations makes my head hurt."  Viki spun her wand around.  "But I forgot to mention that I got an upgrade to my blinking rune recently.  It like... can kill people now or something like that."  Viki stared at her wand.  "Would you like to see it?"

    Viktor snorted.  "As long as it doesn't teleport my undies to the kobold barracks, I'm game to see what you can do with that wand of yours."

    "Oh, okay!  Um... let's see.  Here we go!"  Viki pointed her wand at Viktor.  "Shazzam!"

    Viktor's hair once again became filled with ash as he was engulfed in an enormous mushroom cloud.

    Viki blinked.  "Oops.... um.... well, yea, that works too but that wasn't exactly what was supposed to happen." Seconds after she said that, a few flower pots crashed onto Viktor.  "Oh!  There we go!"

    This time, it was my turn to laugh.  Pointing at Viktor, I began to laugh hysterically at the dirt on his head.  He had fallen to Viki's disastrous magic this time.

    Viktor wasn't too pleased though.  Steping on the remnants of the flower pots, he pointed at Viki.  "I didn't mean on me."  Viktor turned around to me (because I was still laughing).  "You're not one to laugh, nature boy."

    I wiped a tear from my face.  "Hey, you asked for it."

    Viki looked at her wand.  "Oh?  Oops!  I'm sorry, Sir Viktor!  I didn't know.  So.... do you want me to try it on Sir Flik then?"

    "No, no, that's quite all right..." Viktor grunted, rubbing the bump on his thick skull.  "As much as Flik deserves to be buried under a mountain of horse dung, I'm afraid your kooky blinking tricks will backfire on me again."

    Viki slowly smiled.  "Oh, okay.  Do I get the job then?"

    I shifted my gaze to Viktor.  The look I gave him said "She'll burn the fort if we give it to her."  I ever so slightly moved my head to say "no".

    Viktor scowled as he shook the dirt and ash out of his ugly mop.  He obviously didn't see (or didn't acknowledge) my glare.  "Sure, Viki.  We're old buds, after all."

    "That's so good to hear!  I was beginning to feel that no one wanted me anymore."  Viki beamed.  "So... um... What position do I get?  I think I made a decent magic commander before McDohl recruited Jeane and Hellion... well, cept for that time I almost got the entire army to vaporize itself but everything worked out fine in the end."

     I looked at Viktor.  "You SURE this is a good idea?  I don't want a certain someone to "accidentally" "vaporize" any of our troops."

     There was a knock at the door.  "Come in".

     Pohl entered, carrying a sock.  "Flik, I believe this is yours."

    Viktor nudged at Pohl in response.  "At first I thought this guy was a bumbling dolt too, and look how good an addition he turned out to be?"

    Pohl rolled his eyes.  "Gee, thanks Vik."

    "Besides, soon enough we're going to need the ability to slingshot ourselves halfway across Jowston.  Viki here will give us the one-up we need on the Highland troops later on."

    "Fine."  I glared at Viktor, with a slight hint of displeasure in my face.  "Well, we're in need of someone to train our new magicians.  Viki would be the perfect person for that job."  I smirked at Viktor.  Time for me to get him back for earlier.  "Just to make sure nothing goes COMPLETELY wrong, and Viktor's so sure of himself, I want him to supervise."

    The dirty oaf exploded with laughter.  "That's sentencing us to death, and you know it, Blueboy.  Hell, I don't even know what 'wrong' magic looks like- it's all pretty frogged up to me!"

    "Which is why you'd be perfect for the job."  I wasn't going to let Viktor get out of this.  "And there's no such thing as 'wrong' magic."

    "I think I'd classify randomly vaporizing a regiment of troops as wrong, Flik."

    "Not if they're the enemy troops."  I continued to smirk.  "What's a matter, Viktor?  Afraid of a little magic mayhem?"

    My slightly discombobulated associate grunted.  He was probably trying to hack up a lungful of potting soil.  "Mayhem?  I practically invented the word.  Fine.  I'll play supervisor."

    "Um...."  Viki, who's been staring for a while, finally broke in.  "Was I missing something here?  Oh well.  So should I teleport us to the nearest magical source and meet those new mage type people?"

    "You can teleport Viktor, if you like."  I smiled.

    Viktor shot me the look seen on the face of a charging bull.  "I think I'll walk- after I've showered, that is."
 

    I stepped from the shower (fully dressed, of course, a precaution I had taken to prevent further underwear-related antics on Viki's part) and nodding in Viki's direction.  "Ready for me to introduce you to your new troops, Viki?"  I was quite optimistic.  Viki was kind of floopy, but she always meant well.

    "Oh yes!  That would be good."  Viki happily beamed.  "I promise I won't let you down, Sir Viktor!"

    I nodded, smiling toward my old ally.  It was about then I saw my beauteous handiwork hanging from the highest wall of our fort.  "Say, Viki.  There's our mascot- strong, silent, majestic...  the king of the beasts."

    Viki looked at the wonderful work of craftsmanship.  She blinked then turned her head, obviously to take in each and every fine stitch that made up the great flag.  She then squinted her eyes for a closer look at the symbol of our fort's pride before finally blurting out, "I didn't know bears were considered to be the king of beasts.  Thought that job was supposed to be for lions or something."

    I was taken aback.  That should have been my first clue of the unimaginable terror to come, but I played it off, remembering Viki's mean-well absent-mindedness.  "A bear?  No, no, Viki.  That's a lion!  Our great, powerful mascot!"

    "Huh?  What?  That thing's a lion?"  Viki stared at the flag some more.  Some of the men were staring at it by now, too.  They were shaking their heads, obviously pitying Viki's poor sense of judgment.

    I rolled my eyes.  "Come on, follow me..." I said on one exhale.  I should have known then and there what a bad idea I was about to put into motion...
 

   The little fluffy bonbon happily hopped over to meet it's mother.  The mother cooed softly at the furball and they snuggled up to each other right before a fire ball slammed into the two of them and exploded.  When the smoked cleared, nothing was left except a few strings of hair floating to the ground.

   "Whoa, Trevitt, that was an excellent shot."  The taller mage looked down at the young student.  "You sure you don't want to join the Greenhill magic forces?"

   "It's not for me."  Trevitt took out a notepad.  "Besides, I don't think Vanesa would approve of me hanging around with Jeane that much, even if it was because she was my commander."

   "Ah, Jeane..."  All of the mages sighed simultaneously at once while the tall one standing next to Trevitt stared, dreamy-eyed.  "At any rate, I just hope we don't get tacked with a little boy for a commander like those poor archers did."

   There was a blinking noise three seconds before Viki crushed that mage.  Viki stood up, brushed herself off, and looked at all the mages staring at her.  "Oh, um... Hi there!  Er... are you guys the Mercenary Fort's magic forces?"

   The mages looked at each other, then at Viki, then nodded.

   "Oh, okay.  Um.... I'm like... your new commander or something.  My name's Viki.  What's yours?"  Viki listened to the responses.  "You're all named 'Groan'?  That's odd.  So.... what are you doing?  Why are you staring at me like that?  Is something wrong?"

   The mages continued to stare at Viki before Trevitt finally spoke up.  "They're practicing long range magic attacks on some of the roaming monsters."

   "Oh?  Practicing?  Oh, that's good!"  Viki looked off into the distance at a pack of wandering shadow wolves.  "We can do that while we wait for Sir Viktor to get here.  So.... ah.... let me think.  What did I used to do as a magic commander...?"

   Viki thought to herself.  Back at the liberation army she either simply commanded the troops to randomly blast all the enemy soldiers into oblivion or do an elaborate combination of spells and runes casting in a certain order to achieve maximum destructive potential.  Well, at any rate, the latter sounded better so might as well try that.  "Okay, ah... we'll practice on those doggies out there.  So... I want all the fire runes to cast first, then the lightning, then water and wind simultaneously, then earth, then as the earth guys are casting, have the fire users target the center of all the casters and the blue gate users cast."

   The mages continued to stare at her.

   Viki blinked.  "Um... You ARE the mercenary fort magic forces, right?  Did I hear Viktor wrong?  I thought I was supposed to be the commander or something."

   The mages shrugged and proceeded to cast as Viki commanded.

   "That's odd."  Trevitt muttered.  "That combination of magic sounds like that forbidden combo that only Esde Majika magic users dare to use and..."

   A large explosion vaporized everything in the near and far vicinity of the shadow dogs.  The explosion reached far enough to hit the casters themselves and the force of the impact sent all of the mages slamming to the floor.

   Viktor arrived just in time to notice most of the mages unconscious on the ground and everyone a rather nice shade of black.

   "Oh no..."  Viki muttered.  "And on my first day.  What will I do now?"  Viki looked at Viktor.  "Er, hello, Sir Viktor!  As you can see, we were just..."

   "Practicing our magic defense?"  Trevitt interrupted.

   "Oh yes!  We were practicing our magic defense!"  Viki spouted.

   A bunch of dead charbroiled shadow dogs began falling from the sky and landed around Viktor.  The last one fell directly on his head and disintegrated on impact.  Which probably wasn't very good since Viktor had just taken a shower.

   "Ah...."  Viki stuttered.

   "Those Highlanders won't know what hit them."  Trevitt mumbled.

   "Yes!  We're definitely going to show those Highlanders!"  Viki saluted.  "That'll teach them!  Right, guys?"

   All of the mages groaned.

   "That's the magic defense?" cooed Viktor, shaking the formerly-canine ash out of his hair.

   "Er.... yes!  It could use some work, but practicing magic defense is ah... very important."  Viki nervously replied.

   Viktor took a few anxious steps toward the airheaded mage.

   He look down into her eyes, narrowing his eyes into thin, piercing vortexes or infinite anger.

   He brused a handful of char-broiled dog onto her face as she blankly stared up into those sharp pools.

   He repeated.  "That was our magic defense!?"

   "Er.... is something wrong?"  Viki backed up as a terrified feeling slowly settled in.

   "What the hell do you mean, is something wrong!?" Viktor howled.  "Would you please explain how the hell a storm of blackened, sickly dogs is supposed to halt the Highland troops!?"

   "Sir Viktor!"  One of the mages grumbled.  "Can we ask you to reconsider your appointment of our newest commander?  She obviously doesn't have her priorities set straight!"

   "Huh?  What would a storm of dead dogs do?  Well.... ah..."  Viki looked around.

   "Maybe someday in the future it'll be raining dead Highlanders instead?"  Trevitt asked.

   Viktor gritted his teeth as his face turned bright red.  "Yes, I believe I will reconsider."

   Viki cringed.  "But... but... ah... yea!  Maybe someday in the future we'll be vaporizing Highlanders instead of dogs!  And they really won't know what hit them!"

      Viktor shook his head in response.  "No.  This was a mistake.  Have your things (did you even bring anything?) and be gone from these premises by nightfall."

   The mages all simultaneously erupted a cheer.

   "Come on, guys, that's not very nice."  Trevitt commented.

   "Oh please!"  One of the mages shouted.  "Even you have to admit that she's a complete bonehead!  Why couldn't we have gotten a commander like those archers got?  He might be really young but at least he isn't a complete incompetent moron like this girl!"

   "Yea!"  Another mage joined in.  "She almost killed us already!"

   "Woohoo!  She's gone now, though!"  The third mage chimed in.

   A bunch of mages simultaneously cheered, "Ding dong the witch is dead!  Which old witch?  The STUPID witch!"

   Viki was stunned.  She stood there for a moment before she looked downwards.  "So... that's it then.  Worthless.  Useless.  Mom was right."  She looked up and saluted Viktor again.  "Well, then, I'll be leaving.  I'll be gone by nightfall.  Just... give me a little more time to... fix up some loose ends here."

   Viktor did not respond.  He stomped off angrily, somewhat hurt himself, unable to comprehend exactly how he had misjudged a former ally so horribly.

   The mages waited until he was gone.  "Come on, let's all go get drunk!"  The mages happily walked off.

   "Well, guess there's nothing for me to say.  I must be heading back to Greenhill now to meet up with some friends of mine from the Grasslands."  Trevitt looked at Viki.  "An Esde Majika student, huh?  Consider enrolling in the Greenhill academy instead.  My father made me go there instead of Esde Majika because it was notorious for teaching magicians to be inaccurate."  Trevitt handed Viki a small brochure and left.

   Viki simply held the brochure and continued to stare for the rest of the day...
 

   If there's one thing I know that Viktor hates, it's being wrong.  And I mean blatantly wrong.

   I have to admit, I was a bit surprised when Viktor stormed into the war room.  His hair was full of soot and ash.  A scowl was on his face.  He looked like he was ready to run something over.

   He didn't look to happy to see me, that's for sure.  "What's up?"

   "I fired the hell out of that useless, brain dead, good-for-nothing..."

   I could go on for about four pages listing the obscenities that Viktor used, but I won't bother to bore you.

   Suffice it to say he was overturning his previous decision, much to my delight (but none to my surprise).  "More like she 'fired' you."  I retorted and chuckled.

   "Har, har, har, nudist boy," he spat.  He sure was unimaginative when he was fuming mad and covered in soot.  "But she's gone.  I would make a better god damn magician commander around here than her!"

   "Keep to the Shiko Sword, Viktor.  The last thing I want to see is you trying to pick up a wand."  I put my elbows on the table and crossed my hands.  "Nonetheless, we're out a magic commander now.  I would have rather had her than none."  I spoke into my gloved hands.  "I don't like this one bit."

   Viktor, hopping mad, fell into a chair.

   "No, Sir Flik,"  Viki opened up the door and entered the room and stared, somewhat teary-eyed, at us.  "I'm sorry, but you're wrong.  You're better off without me.  I'm nothing but a useless, brain dead, good-for-nothing... everything that Viktor said.  I'm... so sorry I bothered you."

   Now, in all seriousness, I expected Viktor to jump up and apologize, inviting Viki back into our ranks.  I mean, that's just the kind of thing he does.  As dumb and the dirty oaf is, he's got a big heart.  But he didn't budge.  He simply sat there, his arms crossed, scowling like a baby.  I knew I had to say something.

   "Viki, I'm sure Viktor didn't mean those things.  Isn't that right Viktor?"  I flashed him a look.

   Viktor scowled.  "I'm going to take another shower.  Then I'm going to bed."  He stood up and trampled out of the room, not even looking to the ailing magician in the doorway.  Yeah, he was bitter alright.

    "Viki, I'd like for you to stay.  You'd be a valuable asset to the merc fort."  I tried to coax her.  "We have no one else to lead our magic brigade, so you'd be the perfect candidate."  I sat on the main table.

    "......."  Viki thought for a few seconds at my offer, then shook her head and looked at me.  "Goodbye, Sir Flik.  I'll... be leaving now.  It's better this way.  I guess Hellion wanted me to find McDohl after all.  It... was nice seeing you again and... I... I..."  Viki wiped her eyes, looked at me one more time, then ran out of the room.
 

    I walked outside the merc fort and stared at the stars.

    I am.... nothing....  I'm not even worthless... I'm worse than worthless.  Worthless people just do nothing instead of hurting their own friends.

    "Look out!  Look out!  Highland is attacking!"  A frantic mercenary fort soldier ran up to me.  "The leader of Highland, Emperor Barbaruka, has come personally to kill us all!"

    "Huh?  What?"  I stared in shock at the soldier.  "Oh no!  This is bad!"

    All of the mercenary soldiers went up in arms as Viktor and Flik led them off to battle.  In the distance, Emperor Barbaruka laughed.

    "HAHAHA!!   Roar!  This merc fort will die and lots of bad stuff!"  He yelled.  "HAHAHA!!!  Roar!  Fear me!!!"

    "Yea!!!!"  The mean Highland troops cheered.  "Fear us!"

    The mercenary forces fought valiantly, but they were no match for Barbaruka's very very large number of troops.  Soon, all of those poor merc fort people including Viktor and Flik were knocked unconscious by Barbaruka and his evil forces.  Except for the magic forces, because they stayed in the back.

    "Oh no!  What will we do?"  The mages cried.  "We have no one to lead us!"

    I blinked.  I had to help!  "I'm no one!"

    "She's right!  We have no one here to lead us!"  The mages all looked at me and I realized that without Viktor's and Flik's consent, I was leading the mercenary magic force again.

    Emperor Barbaruka roared his evil roar.  "Roar!  Fear my power!"  His mages all proceeded to cast a powerful spell which ripped through the mercenary magic forces.

    "We're doomed!"  The mages cried.  They suddenly opened their eyes and looked around.  "We're... alive?"

    "Of course!"  The one nice mage that was nice to me back at training commented.  "Viki made us practice our magic defense!"

    It was time to take action!  I immediately ordered the mages to cast the most destructive spell combination possible.  It was risky, for I would be closest to the blast than all the other mages, but it was our only hope.

    Barbaruka roared again.  "Roar!  Fear me!  HA HA HA!"  It was his last roar as all the Highland soldiers and him were vaporized.  The blast sent me slamming into the floor.

    I stumbled back and fell as Flik caught me.  Flik looked into my eyes.  "Viki!  Are you okay?"  Viktor was there, too.

    "Yes, I think so."  I slowly smiled.  "Those Highlanders didn't know what hit them."

    Viktor smiled back at me.  "Yea, Viki.  They didn't.  They sure didn't...."

    Smiling, Viki slowly looked up at the stars.

    "General Viki..."

    She slowly wiped her eyes again.

    "The one... who saved the Merc Fort.  Those Highlanders didn't know what hit them."

    Viki clasped her two hands together.

    "And then... everyone cheered.  Viktor and Flik realized that I wasn't worthless after all.  Lepant suddenly realized he made a mistake when he fired me.  Then, my real family would come along.  Uncle Lardy wouldn't call me stupid anymore.  And... my mother would tell me that she truly did love me all along and that evil doppleganger was lying."

    Viki wiped away another tear and smiled.

    "And... and... my father would accept me back into the family again like he always does.  And... then McDohl would say, 'Viki, you did a good job.'  Because... Because for once... I didn't screw up."

    "......I didn't screw up."  Viki paused.  "Like I always do."

    Viki unclasped her hands and looked down at them.  They started to shake.  "And... I always will do.  No matter what."

    "Because I'm nothing but a useless worthless screw-up who can't get anything right."  Viki leaned her head on her wand and closed her eyes.  "Those mages... Viktor... Mom... they were all right."

    Viki slowly opened her eyes and noticed something on the floor.  She leaned down, picked it up, then looked at it.

    "An Esde Majika student, huh?"  The boy's voice sounded in her head again.  "Consider enrolling in the Greenhill academy instead.  My father made me go there instead of Esde Majika because it was notorious for teaching magicians to be inaccurate."

    Inaccurate.  That was probably the most polite way of saying "You're an idiot" that Viki ever heard.

    "I'm... going to be a complete useless piece of trash forever..."  Viki stared at the brochure again.  "I... I'm sorry, Lord McDohl.  I can't go back for you.  There's one more thing I have to try."  Viki put the brochure away, picked up her wand, then walked off into the night.
 

    I stormed over to the magic training area.  The troops were all lulling about, bored.  As if they had nothing better to do than just sit there on the grass patch.  As soon as I entered their sights though, they jumped to attention and formed three rows.  "GOOD AFTERNOON, SIR FLIK!"  They all shouted in unison.

    I held the report in my hand.  I had read the charges to the soldiers.  "Insulting a commanding officer, disbarring from training early, and drinking while still on training schedule."  I threw the report down next to me.  "What do you have to say about this?"

    The soldiers stood there silent.

    "You!"  I went over to a soldier and got in his face.  I asked him, "How do you justify this?"

    "There is no explanation, sir!"

    "As I thought."  I turned my back to them, to see a tardy magician run up to the rest.

    "Sir Flik!  I'm sorry I was late, I just thought we had ended training early for..."

    "Silence!"  I shouted at him.  "Run around the entire fort three times.  Do it slowly, and you'll have to do it three more.  Is that understood?"

    He paused with a look of horror on his face.  "Yes sir!"

    "As for the rest of you."  I turned back to them.  "Since you were so unhappy with your previous commander, I'm taking it upon myself to start training you until a suitable replacement is found."

    The looks on their faces were classic when I said that.  Some might call it cruel, but they needed to be punished.  They were being part of the problem, rather than the solution.  There's no need for that here at the merc fort.

    "Drop and give me twenty!"  I shouted at them.  They did so immediately.

    There was one more young mage who was lost in his notebook and hadn't been paying attention.  He slowly looked up from his notepad, then at me, then at all of the mages frantically doing push-ups.  "Hmm... This is an interesting turn of events.  If I'm going to take my leave, I might as well do it now."

    He walked up to me and showed me a piece of paper which read, "Trevitt Parente, Greenhill Military Observer" and had a bunch of fine print which I didn't have time to read before he put it back in his pocket, then saluted.  "It was a pleasure staying at the Merc Fort, sir, but I'm afraid I must be off now."

    He then simply walked off.  I shrugged to myself and brushed it off as nothing.  There were more important things to think about at the moment.
 

    I had taken another shower.  What a damn waste of water.  What a damn waste of time.  What a damn waste of energy.

    I hadn't gone to bed.  I was sitting at the empty wooden table in my room, drumming my fingers on its surface out of frustration.  Was I being blind, cruel, or merciful?  Or just flat out confused?

    On one hand, I felt awful for blowing up at poor Viki and turning her away from what very well could have been her last sanctuary...

    ...on the other hand, she dropped a pile of scorched spaniels on my head.

    Then there was a knock at the door.  Had I known it was Flik, I might have stabbed Shiko through the wood and splintered him through the gut.  Instead, I quite ignorantly called, "Come on in."

    Flik opened the door, carrying two steins and a bottle.  "My treat," he said, holding up the objects.

    I grumbled a "Thanks," as I nabbed the bottle from my cohort's hand and took a good, long slug.  "You know, you hideous blue bastard, how much those damn thunderbolts hurt?"

    "Good thing I brought these."  He put the two steins down on the table.  "It's not like you didn't deserve it.  Had I been clothed, you probably would have had shed blood."

    "Well, here's to the tides of destiny, eh Flik?  You're the commander, and it looks like you got some commanderin' to do."  I paushed and racked my brain, trying to remember whether or not commandering was a word.

    "Destiny, huh?  Big oaf like you, believes in "destiny"?"

    "Yeah.  I make a big ass mess of things, and you gotta go moppin' up after it all, yeah?"

    He swiped the bottle from my hands and poured himself a drink.  "Was it destiny that led you to going to destroy Viki's self-confidence like that?  You could have at least apologized."

    I nabbed the bottle from Flik, partaking of another generous schwill.   "Look, pal, why can't you rust admit you were jight?"  I let that sentence set in, then deciding it didn't sound right, repeated, "I mean admit you were just right...  tonight...  alright?"

    "I'm not one for rubbing it in."  He took a drink.  "I just wanted to get you back for all those snide comments earlier.  Revenge is sweet, no?"

    In case you, my most observant readers, hadn't noticed, I'm pretty much writing this entire portion of the story on pure hearsay I'm a complete slug when I'm drunk, and right about then I was onto a pretty good buzz.  I had reportedly replied, "Whattaya mean, cride snomments...  cromments, I mean.  I din't make no revenge or no snarl convents."  According to Flik, I downed the whole remainder of the bottle.  Honestly, I don't remember doing that.  Realistically, I probably did.

    Flik had neglected to tell me it was "Valentin's Special Brew", the one that contains enough proof to kill a small horse.

    And after the watered-down Jowstweiser I had become accustomed to from Radat, I guess the stories of me stumbling backwards in my chair just then and passing out were somewhat justified.