Freelancers
						By Tiamat




Gafgaron:  Alright guys, I just got our latest assignment!

Rad:  Cool!

Ramza:  What are we doing this time?

Rad:  We don't have to protect anymore stupid princesses that can't do anything for themselves,
do we?  That last princess was REAL ugly...

Gafgaron:  Hell no!  This time we're to attack one of Goltana's caravans in the name of an
anonymous royal family that really hates Goltana and is led by some guy who I shall refer to as
Prince L.  No wait, that's too obvious.  We'll say that we were hired by P Larg.

Rad:  Genius!

Ramza:  Um... so we're resorting to petty thievery?

Gafgaron:  The contract is for ten thousand gil!!!

Rad:  Genius!

Ramza:  If we really need money, why don't we just hunt some monsters?

Gafgaron:  What the hell?  Wander around some stupid green dots on the maps for days on end just
to get into a battle with some monsters for a pathetic amount of gil?!?  You know how that only
idiots with nothing better to do in their lives do that!

Ramza:  Oops, I forgot.

Gafgaron:  Well?  What are we waiting for?  Let's go intercept that caravan!

(Little does Gafgaron know that the caravan is guarded by...)

Nanten Knight:  TG Cid!!!

Orlandu:  Yes?

Nanten Knight:  We're almost at Warjilis Trade city with the precious opium cargo!

Olan:  Um, why does Count Draclau need opium?

Orlandu:  Why, for Glabados religious ceremonies, I guess.

Olan:  Oh.

Draclau (Queklain the Impure King):  Neeeeeeeed druuuuuuuuuugs....

Rad:  Well, there it is!  And what luck!  The only guards are a knight, some dorky astronomer,
and some old geezer!

Ramza:  This is too cruel!  I can't do this!

Gafgaron:  Look!  When you joined me to escape from your brothers, you knew that you would end
up doing some rotten things, so shut up!

Ramza:  We don't have to kill them, do we?  I'd hate to kill a defenseless old geezer.  Unless
he tried to kill me first, in which case he's game of course.

Gafgaron:  Nah, all we have to do is get that cargo and deliver it to Larg.

Larg:  Neeeeeeeeeed druuuuuuuuuuuugs.

Gafgaron:  Well?  What are you waiting for?!?  Go take them out!

Rad:  Oh yea, right!

(Rad runs behind Orlandu and throws a rock at him, which smacks him in the back of his head)

Orlandu:  OW!!!  The HELL was that?

Olan:  Some punk who wants to annoy you, I guess.

Rad:  Cower before my radical strength!

(Ramza walks over to Gafgaron with the cargo)

Ramza:  You have to admit, Rad makes a damn good distraction.

Orlandu:  Life is short, bury Steady Sword!

(Orlandu uses Stasis Sword on Rad)

Rad:  AAAAAAAAH!!!

(Rad gets frozen with the stop status ailment)

Olan:  Isn't it supposed to be Stasis Sword, not Steady Sword?

Orlandu:  Beats me.  But all holy knights and white knights say "Steady sword" when they use
Stasis Sword, and two holy knights and a white knight couldn't be wrong, could they?

Olan:  Guess not.

Nanten Knight:  Guys?  The cargo is missing!

Gafgaron:  That's right, you fools!  We have your precious cargo!  Now give us back Rad or you'll
never see your precious cargo again!

Olan:  You realize that they're going to take back that squire then not give us the cargo, right?

Orlandu:  NAH!!  Let's trust them in that naive way that everyone trusts all the villains!

(Orlandu hands Gafgaron the frozen Rad)

Gafgaron:  HA HA!  The cargo is ours!  Rad, Ramza, let's get out of here!

Orlandu:  DAMMIT!  We've been tricked!

Ramza:  Kinda hard to escape while carrying a frozen Rad.

Olan:  Please give us back that cargo!  We need it to feed starving children in Warjilis!

Nanten Knight:  Starving children in Warjilis need drugs?

(Olan smacks the knight)

Ramza:  What?  We're keeping starving children from having their drugs?  That's so sad!

Gafgaron:  Ramza, no!!

Ramza (teary eyed):  Here!  You can have the cargo back so those poor starving children won't
have withdrawal symptoms.

(Ramza gives the cargo back to Olan)

Olan:  HA HA!  Suckers!

(Olan jumps on the chocobo cart with the Nanten Knight and they ride off)

Orlandu:  HEY!!!

(Orlandu runs after them)

Gafgaron:  EEEEEEEYAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!  That's it!!!  I've had it with you two incompetant morons!

(Rad unfreezes)

Rad:  What the hell did I do?

Gafgaron:  If you didn't let that stupid stasis or steady or whatever sword freeze you, we would
have gotten away before that idiot Ramza gave back the cargo!!!

Ramza:  But the starving children!!!

Gafgaron:  DAMMIT!!  Screw you guys!  I'm going to find me some competant lackeys to do my
bidding!!!

(Gafgaron leaves)

Rad and Ramza (to each other):  Good going, moron.

Rad:  But now what?  Without Gafgaron, we've gone from wandering free lancing mercenaries to
wandering homeless bums!  Course, not like there is really much difference between the two in
terms of practical application, but I don't want to be called a wandering homeless bum!
Wandering freelancing mercenary is much cooler and more respectable.

Ramza:  Yea, you're right.  Great.  I only see one solution.  I never thought I'd go so low as
to do this, but I guess I'll have to ask my brothers to let me back into Igros.

Rad:  Hey, buddy, can I come with you?

Ramza:  Sure, I'm sure they wouldn't mind.

(At Igros castle)

Dycedarg:  THE HELL?  He's a freaking peasant!!!

Rad:  I'm not a peasant!  I come from a well-respected family of hippies!

Dycedarg:  GET OUT!

Ramza:  But he's my friend!!!  You already killed Delita's sister!

(Zalbag and a Hokuten archer walk over)

Zalbag:  What seems to be the problem?

Dycedarg:  Ramza wants this peasant to live in the Beoulve Residense!

Zalbag:  So?

Dycedarg:  THAT'S WRONG!!!

Zalbag:  Dear god!  Well, if you say it's wrong, then you must be right, because I don't question
anything a Beoulve says!

Rad:  Oh yea?!?  I'm not going without a fight!

(Rad grabs Ramza and puts a sword to his neck)

Rad:  One false move and your brother gets it!

Ramza:  Um, Rad?

Rad:  Yea, Ramza?

Ramza:  Get your stupid sword away from my damn neck!

Rad:  Oh, sorry.

(Rad puts his sword away)

Rad:  So you'd better let me in, or else!

Zalbag (to archer):  Do it.

(The archer takes out his crossbow and shoots Ramza)

Ramza:  ARGH!!!

(Ramza falls to the ground)

Rad:  Wh... what?

(The archer shoots Rad, who kneels down)

Rad:  Dammit!

(Rad crawls out of the house)

Dycedarg:  Good work!!

(Ramza gets up and rips the arrow out of his chest then drinks a potion)

Ramza:  YOU FUDGING ARSEHOLES!!!  What the heck are you trying to do?

Zalbag:  Sorry about that.  But you know the rules!  No more commoners.

Ramza:  Hmph.  Whatever.  Oh well, I'm going to go to my room to unpack my stuff.






(Meanwhile, at Lesalia, the imperial capital)

Gafgaron:  Great.  Now I'm down two squires.  So now what?  Well, first thing to do would be to
get some new recruits.  But I'm sick of lousy squires!  I think this time I'll pick up some
knights!  They might be more helpful.  And what better place to get knights than the imperial
capital?

(Gafgaron enters the soldier's office)

Gafgaron:  Hey there!  I would like to recruit some knights!  Preferably level 8 knights!

Recruit Officer:  Sorry!  We only have level 1 squires here!

Gafgaron:  The hell?!?  I don't want a lousy level 1 squire!  Well, where can I get some level
8 knights?

Officer:  You can't.  All soldier's offices only give out level 1 squires for some wierd reason.

Gafgaron:  Dammit!

(Gafgaron leaves the soldier's office)

Gafgaron:  Well, if I found a stupid mediator, I could probably recruit some knights, but no one
is a mediator nowadays and I don't have the job points to become one!  Besides, mediators are
freaks.  All they're good for is turning people into chickens by threatening them and sniping
your ass with those lousy guns.

(Agrias walks by with Lavian and Alicia)

Alicia:  Hey!  Gafgaron!

Agrias:  Oh great...

Lavian:  How is everything?  Where's Rad and Ramza?

Gafgaron:  (Hmm... Lavian and Alicia are level 8 knights.  They might do perfectly!  But how
would I convince them to join me?)

Agrias:  Look, we shouldn't be wasting time with him.

Alicia:  But Rad and Ramza are our friends!  Course, not Gafgaron.  No one likes him.

Gafgaron:  Grr....

Agrias:  Well, hurry up!  I'll be waiting at the palace.

(Agrias leaves)

Lavian:  So, how are Rad and Ramza?

Gafgaron:  Listen, ladies.  It's sad.  Rad and Ramza are... dead.

Alicia:  AAAAAAAAAAH!!!!  What happened?!?

Gafgaron (bursting into crocodile tears):  It was awful!  We were on a job to attack an evil
demon caravan leading food to stuffed geezer druggies and Rad dropped a treasure chest while
Ramza's spirit turned to crystal!  It was horrid!  WAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

Lavian:  Oh poor Rad and Ramza...

Gafgaron:  Their last wish was that you two take their place and continue to fulfill their dreams
of living as wandering freelancing mercenaries.

Alicia:  *sniff*  We'll do it!  For Rad and Ramza!

Lavian:  YEA!




(Limberry castle.  A bunch of apandas run by.  There are party favors, confetti, and food
everywhere.)

Apanda:  Party!  Party!!!

Celia:  Our boss is going to be back any minute!  Who's going to help Lede and I clean up this
mess?

(All the apandas run away)

Lede:  "Lede and I"?  No way!  You clean it up yourself.

Celia:  What?  It was your party!  You do it!

(The doorbell rings)

Celia:  Oh no!  The Marquis!

Lede:  Look through the mail slot!

(Celia looks through the mail slot and sees Rad with a goofy smile on his face)

Celia:  Oh, it's only Rad.

(Celia opens the door and Rad runs in.  All the apandas creep out of hiding and stare at him)

Rad:  Hey, Celia!  What's up?

Celia:  Dammit, Rad!  What are you doing here?  Don't you know that you could get eaten or
something?

(Lede and the apandas lick their chops)

Rad:  S'alright.  I can take care of myself.  But I need to ask you a favor!  Could I stay here
for a while until I find an apartment to rent?  I've run into some... um, employment trouble.

Celia:  What?!?

Rad:  Thanks!

Celia:  Um... you're welcome?

Rad:  So, where's my room?

Celia:  Um.... just choose one of the hundreds of empty rooms down that hall.  We've had a lot
of rooms freed up because we ate all of Elmdor's servants.

Rad:  Cool!

(Rad runs down the hall)

Lede:  Hehe.  He won't suspect a thing!  Good work, Celia!  Lunchtime!

(Lede and the apandas are about to run down the hall after Rad)

(Celia runs in front of them)

Celia:  Wait!

Lede:  Look, humans and monsters don't mix.

Apanda:  Hehe.  You KNOW that you were interested in that Limberry Knight that we had for lunch
yesterday!  Admit it!

Lede:  SHUT UP!

Rad's voice:  Oooo, I like this room.  Real luxurious looking.  Think I'll take a nap.  Hey!
Cool!  I wonder what this really shiny stone does?  Hmm.  It's labeled "Virgi"...

(There is a knocking on the door)

Elmdor:  Ladies, I'm home!

Celia:  Oh god!  It's the marquis!  Quick!  Clean everything up!

(Lede shoves all the party crap underneath the carpet, creating a huge lump in the middle of the
room.  The apandas run off to hide.)

(Celia opens the door)

Elmdor:  Hello, Celia and Lede.  How was your day?

(Elmdor looks at the huge lump in the middle of the room)

Elmdor:  Hmm.  I need to recarpet this room someday.  It looks awful.

(Sephiroth runs up to Elmdor)

Sephiroth:  Brother!!!  The castle was filled with monsters!  And they were running
around having a party and drinking booze and playing video games!  And they ate our pet dog,
Skippy!

Elmdor:  Uh huh, sure.  Whatever.  Monsters in the castle.  Yea, a likely story.  Look, why don't
you go kidnap some Hokuten Nobles in that disgruntled manner that you always do?

Sephiroth:  It's true!

Elmdor:  Look!  Skippy is fine!  He's right there!

Apanda with fake doggy ears and tail:  Woof.

Sephiroth:  Jerk!

(Sephiroth leaves)

Elmdor:  Ah well.  Dammit!  Where did my butler go?  That lazy fool is probably taking an
unannounced vacation, leaving me to hang up my own coat, myself.

Apanda with fake doggy ears and tail:  Burp!

(Elmdor goes to the closet and opens it up.  A surprised apanda in the closet looks anxiously at
him.  He then reaches out, grabs Elmdor's coat, and hangs it up.  Then he closes the door)

Elmdor:  Um.... what was that??

Celia:  You're just tired!  You should go get some rest.

Elmdor:  Yea, that must be it.

(Elmdor goes to his room and notices someone is sleeping in his bed.  He removes the sheets)

Rad:  WHOA!

Elmdor:  WHOA!!!  Who the hell are you?!?

Rad:  Um... I'm... some poor wandering homeless bum?

Elmdor:  I'm tired of wandering homeless bums seeking shelter in my castle!  Just because all
my servants are missing gives you no right to barge in here and use my rooms!  Prepare to die!

Rad:  Oh yea?

(Rad runs up to Elmdor and is about to smash him with his sword)

Elmdor:  HAMEDO!

(Elmdor chops Rad before he can attack.  Rad drops down dead)

Rad:  AAAAAAH!!!

(From outside the door, Lede and the apanda posing as Skippy the dog are listening)

Lede:  Celia won't be too happy when she finds out Elmdor killed her boyfriend.

Apanda with fake doggy ears and tail:  Why are you telling this to me?  I'm a dog!

(The shiny stone, Virgi, floats above Rad)

Virgi:  Rad...  Do you wish to have the power?

Rad:  H... huh?

Virgi:  Rad... Do you wish to have the power?  I can help you, but you must wish it.

Rad:  Help!  Save me!

Virgi:  Your wish is granted.

(Virgi flies into Rad and flashes)

(There is a huge flash of light)

Rad:  YEEEEEEARGH!!!

(The flash of light clears and Rad transforms into the Radmaster 2000!!!)

Radmaster:  HA HA HA!!!!  This power feels good!!!  I am now the awesome Radmaster 2000!

Elmdor:  Um, you look exactly like you did before you accepted the stone's power.  Wait a
minute, that's not a holy stone!  That's a stupid piece of costume jewelry that I picked up at
a garage sale!

Radmaster:  Eh?  So I'm not the awesome Radmaster 2000?

Virgi:  Um, see ya!

(Virgi rolls away)

Rad:  Um... bye?

(Rad runs away)




(Meanwhile, in Lesalia, the Imperial Capital)

Queen Ruvelia:  Agrias!  What's taking the rest of the knights so long?

Agrias:  I don't know... Lavian and Alicia should be here by now.

Ruvelia:  OFF WITH HER HEAD!

Agrias:  Oh crap!  Is this the thanks I get for serving your family loyally for years?

Ruvelia:  Are you disagreeing with me?  I don't like it when people disagree with me!  If you
dare to disagree with me, I'll have you executed!

Agrias:  Hmm... agree with the queen and get executed or disagree with the queen and get
executed.  Er... why don't you just let me go get Alicia and Lavian?  I'll be right back!

(Agrias quickly runs out of the castle)

Agrias:  .... When I find Lavian and Alicia, I'm going to make them pay for this!  I wonder what
they're doing right now, anyway?





Alicia:  SEXUAL HARASSMENT!!!

Gafgaron:  What the hell are you talking about?!?  I never sexually harassed you!

Lavian:  No, but you sexually harassed ME!

Gafgaron:  No I didn't!

Judge:  The court rules in favor of Lavian and Alicia because we all know that Gafgaron is just
the type of lousy bastard that would do something so evil!!!

Gafgaron:  But they don't have any proof!

Alicia (bursting into crocodile tears):  It was awful!  We were hired to go stop this guy named
Zero at a banquet when Gafgaron came up to me and said "Come on!  We have to do it for the
money!!!"

(The audience gasps)

Gafgaron:  Huh?  HUH?!?

Judge:  Gafgaron, you are fined all your gil which you must give to these lovely ladies!

Gafgaron:  WHAT?

Lavian:  Take that you sexually harassing jerk!

(Lavian and Alicia grab all of Gafgaron's money and leave)

Gafgaron:  ARGH!!! MY MONEY!!!





(Beoulve residence at Igros castle)

(Ramza gets kicked out of the house)

Dycedarg:  GET OUT!

Ramza:  But..

Dycedarg:  I never EVER want to see you lay a hand on my danish again!

(Dycedarg slams the door)

Ramza:  Great.  Guess I'm a wandering homeless bum again.  Sigh.  Well, what better place
for a homeless bum to be than the slums?  Course, the only place with really good slums is Dorter
Trade City.  I'd better get going.

(Ramza heads to Dorter Trade City.)

Zalbag:  Hey!  Ramza!  Come back!  I'm sure Dycedarg will let you back in!  I'll give him my
danish instead!

(Zalbag runs after Ramza)

(It's raining and Gafgaron is living in a box)

Gafgaron:  Dammit.

(Rad comes in from the side opposite of Ramza)

Rad:  Sup.

Ramza:  Sup.

Gafgaron:  .....

Ramza:  Well, we're together again.  But we don't have any money.

Rad:  We're completely penniless.

(Gafgaron starts crying for real)

Ramza:  So... now what?

Rad:  Wait, did you hear something?

(Rad and Ramza hide in Gafgaron's box)

(Alma and Ovelia come walking along)

Ovelia:  I'll be moving to Orbonne Monastery soon.  But it was nice knowing you, Alma.

Alma:  Yea, you too.  But we can always write to each other.

(A thief comes out of the shadows.  He is accompanied by some archers and squires)

Thief:  Well well well.  Looky here.  Two defenseless little girls.  Hand over all your money!

Alma:  Oh no!  HELP!

Ramza:  ALMA!!!

(Ramza jumps out and slashes the thief)

Thief:  Huh?

(The thief's angry gang glares at Ramza)

Ramza:  Um... hi there?

Gafgaron:  Argh.  I always have to save his sorry ass.  Rad, come on!

(Rad, Ramza, and Gafgaron kill the thieves)

Alma:  Brother!  You saved us!

(Zalbag runs over)

Zalbag (looking at the dead thieves):  Whoa!  Alma, Ramza, are you two ok?

Gafgaron:  Yea, we killed those lousy thieves.

Zalbag:  You have my thanks, sir.  Why, if you didn't come, I don't know what would have
happened to Alma and Ramza.

Ramza:  Wait... repeat that?

Zalbag:  Here, sir.  I know this isn't much, but here's a reward for saving Alma.

(Zalbag hands Gafgaron some money)

Zalbag:  And here's some more for saving Ramza.

Ramza:  HEY!  I didn't need any sa...

(Gafgaron smacks Ramza, who dies.  Zalbag hands him some more money as Rad uses a phoenix down
on Ramza)

Zalbag:  Well, I suppose that's it.  Come along, Alma.  Ramza?

Ramza:  No thanks, I'm done.

Zalbag:  Running off again, huh?  Hmm.

(Zalbag, Alma, and Ovelia leave)

(Ramza, Rad, and Gafgaron look at the money)

Ramza, Rad, and Gafgaron:  WOOHOO!

(The three do a happy dance)





					The End

    Source: geocities.com/timessquare/battlefield/2740

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