Ahead of Their Time
By Tiamat
Besrodio: It is finished!
Mustadio: Cool, dad! What is it!
Besrodio: It's the greatest toaster oven ever! Pure warmth and microwave waves combine together
in a splendor of temperature that creates a device that isn't just a toaster, nor just an oven,
but a TOASTER OVEN! I built it using that shiny stone we found in the mines.
Mustadio: That's nice, dad. But that doesn't look like a toaster oven...
Besrodio: How would you know how it's supposed to look, son? I just invented the toaster oven!
No one has ever seen one before.
Mustadio: It looks more like a robot...
Besrodio: I shall name this toaster oven, Worker 1!
Mustadio: You're naming a toaster oven?
Besrodio: Of course!
(Mustadio looks at the steel giant, Worker 1)
Mustadio: Hey, I think it's moving.
(Worker 1 gets up and walks up to Mustadio)
Besrodio: Oh my! The toaster oven is alive! This is greater than I thought!
Mustadio: This IS great, dad! You created a real working robot!
(Worker 1 punches Mustadio hard in the gut and Mustadio keels over clenching his stomach in pain)
Worker 1: Must kill all humans.
(Worker 1 stomps out of the house)
Besrodio: Oh dear, that did no good.
Meanwhile... Goltana is looking through some vacation pamphlets...
Goltana: Let's see. Here's one. Costa Del Sol, a wonderful relaxing beach resort. HOLY CRAP!
That's one hella expensive price!
(Goltana looks at another pack)
Goltana: Goug Machine City. Filled with thieves, an evil corporation, and enough pollution to
create another city of mutants. Hmm... well, the price is right at least.
(Olan and Orlandu are travelling)
Olan: So where are we going?
Orlandu: Goltana decided to give us a free vacation to Goug Machine City in honor of my
exeptional services for his army.
Olan: Um.... never heard of it. Darn, I thought we were going to Costa Del Sol! That place
is great this time of year!
Orlandu: I'm sure Goltana knows what he's doing. He wouldn't send us to just any trashy
vacation resort! I'm his greatest general, TG CID! He'd provide only the best vacation for me!
Olan: Yea, I guess.
Bill the Thief: Stop right there! We are a group of generic thieves!
Ted the Archer: Yes! Hand over your money right now!
Jack the Ninja: We don't give a damn that you are the legendary TG Cid that can kill everyone
in one hit because we're stupid!
Jill the Chemist: So give us all your money!
(Orlandu swings his sword and Bill, Ted, and Jill all get struck by lightning and die)
Orlandu: Pests. Can you get out of my way now?
Jack: Are you talking to me?
(Orlandu kills Jack)
Olan: Dammit, we should have taken along a mediator. Otherwise, thieves are always so stupid
that they'll fight to the death even when it's obvious that they're gonna die.
Orlandu: Hey, what's that?
Worker 1: Must kill all humans.
Orlandu: I think it's the welcoming committee from Goug Machine City!
(Worker 1 punches Orlandu hard in the gut and Orlandu keels over clenching his stomach in pain)
Olan: Whoa! Are you all right?
(Orlandu gets up and swings his sword. Worker 1 gets zapped by lightning and explodes, leaving
nothing left but his arm)
Orlandu: WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!?
(Besrodio and Mustadio runs over)
Besrodio: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! YOU DESTROYED MY PRIZED TOASTER OVEN!!!
Orlandu: Toaster oven?
(Besrodio grabs the arm and runs away)
Mustadio: Oh please ignore him. Omigosh! You're TG Cid!
Orlandu: I see you've heard of me.
Mustadio: Please! Welcome to Goug Machine City!
(Mustadio leads Orlandu and Olan to Goug Machine City)
Mustadio: Here we have a big ugly polluted factory and here we have another big ugly polluted
factory! And here is the big Bart building, home to the biggest fat cat loser in all of Goug
Machine City!
Olan: Isn't this great?
(Orlandu is choking to death on all the pollution)
(An explosion is heard)
Mustadio: Excuse me, I have to check on my father.
(Mustadio runs into his house)
Mustadio: Dad! What's going on?
Besrodio: Look, son! I recovered the stone from Worker 1's ruins and made another toaster oven!
This one shouldn't go beserk! I call him, Worker 2!
(Mustadio looks at Worker 2)
Mustadio: So this one won't go beserk?
Besrodio: Yep!
(Worker 2 punches Mustadio hard in the gut and Mustadio keels over clenching his stomach in pain)
Worker 2: Must kill all humans.
(Worker 2 stomps out of the house)
Orlandu's voice: What the hell?!? AGAIN?
Besrodio: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!
(Besrodio runs outside and comes back in holding worker 2's arm)
Besrodio: Drat! I'll have to perfect its programming!
Mustadio: But dad...!
(Besrodio slops together a worker 3 in three seconds)
Besrodio: Ta da!
Mustadio: Oh great! How is that one different from all the others?
Besrodio: I fixed it! This one is guaranteed to not punch you.
(Worker 3 kicks Mustadio hard in the face and Mustadio keels over clenching his nose in pain)
Worker 3: Must kill all humans.
(Worker 3 stomps out of the room. Besrodio runs after it and comes back in with its arm)
Besrodio: Curse that TG Cid! How can I perfect my toaster oven if he's always blowing them up?
Mustadio: Maybe you should give up on this toaster oven thing.
Besrodio: You're right!
(Besrodio builds Worker 4)
Besrodio: Ha! This is a blender, not a toaster oven.
Mustadio: Um... it looks just like all the other toaster ovens.
Besrodio: I assure you that it's a blender.
Mustadio: Are you sure?
Besrodio: Would I lie to my own son?
(Worker 4 punches Mustadio hard in the gut and Mustadio keels over clenching his stomach in pain)
Worker 4: Must kill all humans.
(Worker 4 stomps out of the house)
Besrodio: If that Cid blows up my blender, I'm gonna sue him!
(Besrodio walks out of the house)
Mustadio: Um... phoenix down? Please?
Orlandu (clenching his stomach in pain on the floor): I'm gonna kill it!
Besrodio: You'd better not! Or I'll sue your pants off!
Olan: Don't do it!
(Worker 4 punches Olan hard in the gut and Olan keels over clenching his stomach in pain)
Olan: Nevermind. Kill it!
(Orlandu blasts Worker 4 with his lightning stab and worker 4 explodes)
Besrodio: That's it! You're coming to court with me!
Orlandu: Why? So you can sue my pants off? No thanks, but I feel that I'm better off not going
to court with you and having my pants ON!
(Mustadio runs over)
Mustadio: Guys, can't we all settle this in a calm manner?
Everyone Else: NO!
Mustadio: You leave me with no choice then. Good thing I found that OTHER stone we excavated.
(Worker 5 Mustadio walks over and punches everyone hard in the gut.)
Mustadio: ACK! You weren't supposed to punch ME!
Worker 5 Mustadio: Punch me?
(Worker 5 Mustadio punches itself and explodes)
Orlandu: That's it! You will all feel the wrath of TG Cid!
(Mustadio snipes Orlandu's and Olan's legs then runs off with his father)
Orlandu: AAAAAAGH!!!! What the HELL WAS THAT?!? He shot me in my $&#*ING leg!
Olan: EEEEEEYOUCH! Corny but effective. We can't chase after them now...
Besrodio: Thanks for saving me, son! You were right! I should give up my stupid inventions.
Mustadio: Aw dad, I'm sure that if we can work together, we can build something great!
Besrodio: You think so? Well then let's get to work!
(Mustadio and Besrodio build worker 6)
Mustadio: It's finished!
Besrodio: And we built it together!
Worker 6: MY FATHERS!
Mustadio and Besrodio: OUR SON!!!!
(Worker 6 punches Mustadio hard in the gut and Mustadio keels over clenching his stomach in pain)
Worker 6: Must kill all humans.
(Worker 6 stomps to the door, but bumps into Bart, head of the evil Bart company, who is flanked
by a generic male thief and female archer)
Bart: Besrodio! I have come for the stone!
Besrodio: Uh oh. Bart has come to threaten me for the stone! What will I do?
(Worker 6 punches Bart, the male thief, and the female archer hard in the gut and they all keel
over, clenching their stomachs in pain)
Bart: ARGH!!! You haven't seen the last of me!
(Bart and crew roll away)
Besrodio: Son! They'll be back!
Worker 6: Must kill all humans.
(Worker 6 stomps out of the house)
Mustadio: Oh gee, you think?
Orlandu's voice: DIE SON OF SATAN!
Besrodio: We'll have to be ready for them!
(The arm of worker 6 flies back into the house, slamming into Mustadio's head and knocking him
unconscious. Besrodio picks up the arm)
Besrodio: I shall work on a new model of the toaster oven, programmed to kill! It will take out
Bart for us!
(Besrodio gets to work)
Mustadio: Ungh.... Dad? You didn't make another robot, did you?
Besrodio: I did! But this one shall help us defeat Bart! I programmed it to KILL! Meet
WORKER 7 NEW!
Mustadio: Oh great....
(Bart comes in with a summoner and knight)
Bart: Well?!? We're back! Hand over the stone!
Besrodio: Worker 7 New! Destroy them now! Remember, you must kill all humans!
Worker 7 New: I love you!
(Worker 7 New hugs Besrodio)
Bart: I'm not amused.
Besrodio: ACK! SON! TAKE THE OTHER STONE WE HAVE AND RUN AWAY! You must not let it fall into
Bart's hands cause he'll use it for evil! He'll like... eat it or something.
Bart: How can he run away? We're blocking the door!
(Mustadio shoots Bart and his two cronies in the legs, then runs out)
Bart: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!
Knight: AW SHIT! THAT HURTS!
(Worker 7 New eats the knight and summoner, crushes Bart, then stomps out the door)
Worker 7 New: Must kill all humans.
Besrodio: Drat! Will I ever get it right?
(Besrodio waits five minutes)
Besrodio: That's odd... Orlandu should have destroyed Worker 7 New by now...
(Besrodio runs outside and looks at Mustadio and all of the townsfolk, who are on the floor
clenching their stomachs in pain)
Besrodio: Oh my god! Where's Orlandu?
Mustadio: He left the town to get back to Goltana. Goltana only paid enough for his vacation
to last two hours. And that stupid Worker 7 New left for Murond Holy Place.
Besrodio: Uh oh... Mustadio! Come on! We must stop Worker 7 New before he kills everyone!
Mustadio (in pain): Just give me a second, will ya?
(Besrodio and Mustadio make another steel giant using their other zodiac stone)
Besrodio: Mustadio, my boy, you must never tell anyone that I built those workers! Otherwise
I'll not only have the Bart company after me, but the entire continent of Ivalice as well!
Mustadio: Sure thing, dad. But what will I tell everyone then?
Besrodio: Just tell them that we found them in the mines and dug them up, and that they were
weapons used by people in ancient times.
Mustadio: They had robots in ancient times?
Besrodio: Well, we have guns NOW, don't we? And we live in a world of swords and magic, so
yea, why not have robots in ancient times?
Mustadio: I guess...
Besrodio: It's finished! Worker 8 is programmed specifically to destroy Worker 7 New!
Worker 8: Give order.
Mustadio: Do NOT punch me in the stomach!
Worker 8: Order accepted.
Mustadio: Hey! Not bad!
(Worker 8 punches Besrodio hard in the gut and Besrodio keels over clenching his stomach in pain)
Mustadio: I think this one will work great, dad!
Besrodio: HURGH!!!
(Murond Holy Place)
(There's a knocking at the door)
Vormav: What the hell?
Kletian: You shouldn't curse in the church.
Rofel: Kletian, shut up!
(Wiegraf opens the door)
(Worker 7 New punches Wiegraf hard in the gut and Wiegraf keels over clenching his stomach in
pain)
Wiegraf: AAAAARGH!!!!
Rofel: Whoa! What's that?
Balk: By Saint Ajora! That's a steel giant!
(Balk runs over to Worker 7 New and starts examining it)
Balk: This is the discovery of the century!!!
(Worker 7 New punches Balk hard in the gut and Balk keels over clenching his stomach in pain)
Worker 7 New: Must kill all humans.
Vormav: Someone stop it!
(Kletian blasts Worker 7 New with holy but nothing happens because steel giants have no faith)
(Rofel's mighty sword techniques have no effect because steel giants have no equipment)
Kletian: Um....
(Worker 7 New crushes Rofel and Kletian)
Vormav: That's it! Now I'm pissed!
(Vormav takes out his zodiac stone and it starts to glow)
(Vormav transforms into the ugly lion lucavi thing, Hashmalum)
Hashmalum: Hahaha!! No stupid steel giant can defeat me!
(Hashmalum gets into a wrestling match with Worker 7 New)
(Meliadoul and Izlude charge into the room)
Izlude: OH NO!!! There's a huge ugly monster in the room!
Meliadoul: And it's wrestling some guy in a big tank suit.
Izlude: We must kill the monster!
Hashmalum: The hell?
(Meliadoul and Izlude kill Hashmalum)
Izlude: There ya go, Mr. Tank Guy! We saved ya!
(Worker 7 New punches Izlude hard in the gut and Izlude keels over clenching his stomach in pain)
Worker 7 New: Must kill all humans.
(Worker 7 New walks outside)
Meliadoul: Whoa! I'd better stop that thing.
(Meliadoul runs outside)
Izlude: HELP! Phoenix down!
(Outside the church...)
Besrodio: Whew! It only killed about ten people so far. That's not THAT bad...
Mustadio: But we still have to stop it.
Besrodio: Right! Worker 8, kill Worker 7 New!
Worker 8: Order rejected.
Besrodio: Huh? Worker 8, KILL WORKER 7 NEW NOW!!!
Worker 8: Order rejected.
Besrodio: Work, you stupid robot!
(Besrodio kicks Worker 8)
(Worker 8 punches Besrodio hard in the gut. Besrodio keels over clenching his stomach in pain)
Worker 8: Input work command.
Besrodio: HURGH!
Worker 8: Not a valid work command.
Mustadio: Um... dispose of Worker 7 New?
(Worker 8 blasts Worker 7 New with his dispose work command lasers)
Mustadio: Cool! Now crush it!
(Worker 8 crushes Worker 7 New with its crush move)
Worker 7 New: Kill all humans.
(Worker 7 New crushes Mustadio)
Meliadoul: OMIGOD! Which one should I help?
(Worker 8 has the advantage on Worker 7 New because Worker 7 New is wasting time pounding on
Mustadio)
Worker 7 New: Main power supply running out! Must retreat!
(Rocket boosters appear on Worker 7 New and it flies away to some far off island with a temple on
it)
Meliadoul: That was close! So do I kill the remaining one then?
Worker 8: Input order.
(Mustadio's spirit turns to crystal)
Meliadoul: Order?
(Izlude crawls out of the temple)
Izlude: You jerk! You deserted me back there!
Meliadoul: Hmm.... Worker 8, beat Izlude up.
Worker 8: Command accepted.
Izlude: Huh?
The End
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