Alicia:  Hey... won't she be mad?

Lavian:  I don't see why she should be.  Hogging all those fancy dresses to herself.

Alicia:  Really?  She has more?  Can I have one?  The crappy one I'm wearing now was bought using that money I found in the cookie jar.

Lavian:  Um... gee... actually, this dress that I'm wearing was the only one there.

(Agrias comes down the stairs dressed in her usual holy knight armour)

Agrias:  *grumble grumble* Stupid lousy (#$&@).... where the heck did I put the housing mortgage?  I could have sworn I left it in the cookie jar.

(Agrias glares at Lavian and Alicia)

Lavian:  Ulp...

Agrias:  Why are you two dressed up?

Alicia:  Um.... it's... for the ball.  Don't tell me you forgot.

Lavian:  You DID recieve our invitations, right?

Agrias:  No.

Alicia:  We weren't invited?  But... we are the great holy knights of the Church!

Agrias:  We're never invited, remember?  It's our JOB to go there.  We're the security, you twit!  So why are you dressed up like that?  You should be equipped to fight if trouble comes up.

Lavian:  Gee....

Agrias:  And why does your dress seem so familiar?

Lavian:  Uh oh.

Alicia:  Oh!  Look at the time!  We can't be late!  Come on, Lavian!

(Alicia grabs Lavian and dashes outside)

Agrias:  Sigh, whatever.
 
 
 

(In the Chocobo carriage)

Agrias:  Oh no.

Gafgarion:  Well, well, look who's here.

Agrias:  Gafgarion, what are you doing here?

Gafgarion:  Seems like Funeral wanted the ball to be extra secure this time.  So he hired ME.  You lousy holy knights can't protect ANYTHING.  Heh heh.  No wonder why I get so much business from the Church.

Rad:  Yeah, heh heh.

Ramza:  .......

Gafgarion:  Why, your faulty protection was the main reason why those ruffians were able to plant that bomb under Funeral's chair that sent him sky high and, although exploding in a very lovely fireworks display and being very comical to all to watch an old fart go kaboom, ruin the ceremony.  Why, you never even caught those guys and to this day no one knows who did it!

Rad:  Yeah!  That was AWESOME!!!  That must have been our greatest practical joke ever!

Ramza:  Yeah, that prank was a classic.  I can't believe we were able to pull it off.

Gafgarion:  So you can see why Funeral doesn't completely trust you anymore.

Agrias:  Oh shut up.  We have several leads as to who the bombers were and we'll find out who they are very soon!

Lavian:  Besides, it was Ramza and Rad's fault that those guys were able to put that bomb under that chair.  I told them to look after Funeral while I got some fruit punch.

Ramza:  Hey, we had nothing to do with it!

Rad:  Yeah!  Sure, just blame us, why dontcha?

Agrias:  At any rate, we suspect that it was Izlude and Meliadoul who did it.  Those damn hooligans!

(Chocobo carriage stops)

Driver:  We're here!  Everyone out!

Gafgarion:  AW CRAP!!!

(Gafgarion kicks open the door and jumps out with Rad, Ramza, Lavian, and Alicia)

Agrias:  Huh?

Driver:  GET OUT!!!!!!

(The driver shoves Agrias out and sends her flying into the dirt)

Agrias:  Ouch!!!  Ptooie!  What was that for?

(A beautiful girl jumps into the carriage and smiles at the driver.  The driver smiles back and they drive away)

Gafgarion:  Oops, forgot to tell you.  Our driver has a girlfriend now and hates to be delayed for even a second.

Agrias:  Oh, gee, thanks.
 
 
 
 
 

(Wonderful pretty crowded ballroom)

Agrias:  Ok, keep your eyes peeled for trouble.  We want to keep a tight security this time.  We don't want to get distracted for even a second lest some more juvenile delinquents ruin the ball like last year.

Alicia:  Hooray!  I love the annual St. Ajora ball!

Lavian:  Yeah!  Let's go find some dancing partners!

(Alicia and Lavian run off)


Agrias:  .......

Gafgarion:  Yawn.  Well, I'm going to take a nap.

Rad:  Come on, Ramza!  Let's have some fun!

Ramza:  Yeah.  I want to find my sister so we can catch up on things.

(Rad and Ramza leave)

Agrias:  Gafgarion!  Wake up!

(Agrias smacks Gafgarion)

(Gafgarion slowly wakes up, looks at Agrias, then goes back to sleep)

Agrias:  Damnit, Gaff!  What if something bad happens?

Gafgarion:  Then I'll blame it on you.  Problem solved.  Now let me sleep.

Agrias:  ......

(A rat sticks its head out of Agrias's head)

Agrias:  WHAT THE...?

Lavian:  Oh, that's my new pet rat.  I found him running around the house and picked him out of a litter of 50 rats or so.  His name's Stinky.

Stinky:  Squeek!

Agrias:  Get it out of my hair!

Maid with Broom:  EEEEEK!!!  A RAT!!!

(The maid pounds on Agrias's head with a broom)

Agrias:  DAMNIT!

Lavian:  You really shouldn't curse so much, Agrias.  This IS a church ball after all.

(Ramza walks back to Agrias with Alma)

Ramza:  Hey, Agrias.  Everything all right?

Alma:  The reward ceremony is starting.

(Funeral walks up to the podium)

Funeral:  Ahem.  Could everyone stop dancing for a moment?

(Everyone continues dancing)

Funeral:  I SAID, Could everyone stop dancing for a moment.

(Everyone continues dancing)

Funeral:  STOP DANCING ALREADY!!!

(Everyone stops dancing and glares at Funeral)

Male audience:  BOOOOOOO!!!!!  We like dancing with our girls!

(Funeral gets splattered with a bunch of tomatoes)

Funeral:  ........  And now to present this year's awards.

(Balk gives drum roll)

Ra ta ta ta ta ta ta ta....

Funeral:  First, for his wonderful job in hunting down heretics, we have...

(Funeral starts opening an envelope)

Ra ta ta ta ta ta ta ta....

Ra ta ta ta ta ta ta ta....

Funeral:  *taps foot impatiently*

Ra ta ta ta ta ta ta ta....

Ra ta ta ta ta ta ta ta....

Funeral:*looking really angry*

Ra ta ta ta ta ta ta ta....

Funeral:  ENOUGH!!!

(Funeral rips all the splattered tomatoes off of himself and chucks them at Balk)

(Balk's face gets splattered with tomatoes)

Balk:  ACK!!!  TOMATOES!!!  DIE, B$#&()!

(Balk blasts Funeral with his gun)

Funeral:  AAAAAAAAH!


(Funeral drops down dead)

Audience: GASP!

Agrias:  OH MY GOD!!!  Quick, holy knights, to arms!

Drunken Lavian:  Oh shut up you stingy old hag.

Agrias:  What?

(Funeral gets back up)

Funeral:  Ahem.  The great white priest, Zalmo IforgotHisLastName!!!!

(Audience smiles and claps)


(Funeral hands Zalmo a reward)

Zalmo:  What the hell?  You forgot my last name?!?

Gafgarion:  OH MY GOD!!!  He said "hell!"  Kill the mother #$&(!)!

(Ramza and Rad smack Zalmo with their swords)

Zalmo:  OUCH!

Funeral:  And, for their valor and courage above and beyond the call of duty on the field of battle and always helping the church for so long yet going unnappreciated...

Agrias:  Huh?

(Agrias's eyes beam with interest)

Funeral:  The Divine Knights of the Shrine!

(Vormav, Rofel, Meliadoul, and Izlude walk up to recieve their rewards)

(Meliadoul glares at Izlude)

Izlude:  What?

Meliadoul:  You're not a divine knight, yet.  Remember?  You're still a blade knight?

Vormav:  Get out of my sight, you worthless boy!

(Vormav kicks Izlude and sends him flying against the back wall)

(Funeral hands Vormav his reward)

Zalmo:  Is this how you repay all my faithful years of service?!  By forgetting my last name?!?

(Rad and Ramza smack Zalmo again)

Agrias:  Yeah, like I'm ever appreciated...

(Rad and Ramza prepare to smack Agrias)

Evil voice:  HA HA HA HA!!!

(Lights dim)

Agrias:  Huh?

Evil Voice:  I am the GREAT PHANTOM OF THE BALL!

Gafgarion:  Phantom of the ball?

Evil Voice:  Yes.  I get all my powers from a little ball called a materia orb.  What's wrong with that?

Gafgarion:  Oh.  Makes sense.

Evil Voice:  I swore that I would be back in four years!  And now I am here to repay my debt to you by kidnapping the daughter of Beoulve!!!!

Ramza:  ALMA!!!

Alma:  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!  Don't scream in my ear, you freak!

Ramza:  Oops, sorry.

Evil voice:  HA HA HA HA!!!

(A long silver haired man in a coat swoops down and lands in front of Ramza and Alma)

Evil guy:  Damn!  I forgot what the daughter of Beoulve looked like.

(Evil guy glares at Alma)

Evil guy:  Oh well.  Whatever.

(Evil guy grabs Agrias and swoops away)

Ramza:  AAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

Alma:  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!  DAMN YOU!!!!  I thought I told you NOT to scream in my ear!

Ramza:  Oops, sorry.  Didn't know you were still here.

Funeral:  Oh well.  Now that that's over with, let's go back to the ball!

People:  YEAH!


(Ball music starts again and lights turn back on)

(A bomb under Funeral's chair explodes and he flies through the roof and bursts into a lovely fireworks display)

Ramza:  Whew.  That was close.  Looks like he didn't kidnap Alma after all.

Alicia:  Yeah.

Alma:  Um, guys?  Your boss is gone.

Alicia:  EEEK!!  Agrias is gone!

Lavian:  That guy.....

Gafgarion:  Yeah, what's with that guy?  Do you know something?

Lavian:  I haven't seen him for four years...

Ramza:  Uh oh.  I feel a flash back coming on.
 
 
 
 
 
 

(Pretty fields)

Dycedarg:  What is this?  This mushroom?

(Dycedarg picks up a mushroom and jams it into his mouth)

Dycedarg:  Yum!!!  Tastes delicious!

Lavian:  Um, sir?  I don't think you should eat that.

Dycedarg (with mouth filled):  SHUFAP, don't tell me what to do!  I'm the boss!

Lavian:  Yes, sir.  But, you know, those mushrooms are poisonous.

(Dycedarg coughs and spits the mushroom out)

Dycedarg:  ACK!!!  Why didn't you tell me sooner?

(Lavian starts wiping all the mushroom off herself)

Lavian:  It's the mosh fungus.  It's really not THAT poisonous, unless taken in large doses.

Dycedarg:  Hmm....

Lavian:  Why are we here gathering fungus anyway?  We should be preparing for the First Annual St. Ajora ball.

Dycedarg (putting mosh fungus into his pocket):  (Hmm, think I'll save some of these for dinner)  Oh, it's nothing.  I only plan to use this to poison my father and kill him so I can become numero uno.  Nothing big.  Come on.

Lavian:  Ok, sir.

(Dycedarg and Lavian leave)

Lavian:  Wait a minute...
 
 
 
 
(At the ball)

Lavian:  Alicia!

Alicia:  Lavian!

Lavian:  I haven't seen you for..... three days!  Where have you been?

Alicia:  Oh, you know.  The usual.  I joined the holy knights!  It's really neat!

Lavian:  Really?  Can I join?  I'm tired of being one of Dycedarg's knights!

Alicia:  Sure!
 
 
 
 
 

Lavian:  And that's how I joined the holy knights!

Rad:  Wow!  Great story!

Ramza:  Yeah!

Gafgarion:  ..............  What the hell was the point of that?

Lavian:  What do you mean?

Gafgarion:  I thought you were going to tell us about the phantom of the ball!

Lavian:  Oops.   Forgot.  Sorry!  Anyways, it started when I heard the Marquis was coming to the ball.
 
 
 
 
 

(chocobo carriage)
 
Marquis Elmdor:  Ah, the first annual St. Ajora Ball.  A fitting victory celebration to the victory of a great war.

Celia:  Yes, sir.

Lede:  Of course, sir.

Driver:  We're here!  Everyone out!

Elmdor:  AW CRAP!!!

(Elmdor kicks open the door and jumps out with Lede)

(Driver shoves Celia and sends her flying into the dirt)

(Beautiful girl jumps into the carriage and it drives away)

Celia:  YOU JERK!  I NUKE YOU!

Lede:  Forget it, Celia.

(A huge angry mob of poor peasants gathers around the Marquis, angrily screaming so much that you can't pick out what they are saying)

Miluda:  You damn aristocrats!  What did you do for us ex soldiers?  We put our life on the line and went to war for you and you get all the credit!

Gustav:  Yeah!!!

Golagroes:  Damn aristocrats!

Elmdor:  .....

(Elmdor starts heading for the Church where the ball is)

Miluda:  Let's mug him!

Soon to be death corps:  YEAH!!!

(Everyone grabs onto Elmdor.  Miluda continues bonking him on the head as he drags them along)

Miluda:  Take this, aristocratic swine!!!

Elmdor:  .......

(Elmdor continues to drag the crowd along while Miluda keeps bonking him on the head)

Miluda:  Yo mama!

(Elmdor stops)

(Elmdor looks at Celia and nods)

(Lede dashes by, uses stop switch on Miluda and kills her, then zooms away)

Gustav:  AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!  YOU KILLED MILUDA!!!!!!

Wiegraf:  Sister!!!!  NOOOOOO!!!!!!

(Wiegraf looks angrily at Elmdor)

Wiegraf:  I'll kill all of you damn aristocrats!  Rest assured, Miluda, your death will not have been in vain!

(Miluda turns her head and looks at Wiegraf)

Miluda:  Actually, I'm not dead yet.

Wiegraf:  Oh.  Well rest assured that you have not been mortally wounded in vain!

Miluda:  Actually, I'm beginning to feel better.  In fact, I think I'll pull through.

Wiegraf:  Oh.  Well, rest assured that you have not been hurt in vain!

Gustav:  Damn Marquis!

(Elmdor looks at Lede and nods)

(Celia dashes by, uses stop switch on Gustav and kills him, then dashes away)

Gustav:  ACK!!!  HELP!  I'm being oppressed by evil oppressive aristocrats!

Wiegraf:  Did you see that?  That man was oppressed!

Golagros:  YEAH!!! DAMN OPPRESSIVE ARISTOCRATS!

Elmdor:  Sigh...

(Elmdor enters the Church)

Algus:  Don't you just hate those damn peasants?

Elmdor:  .......

Algus:  They think they're so cool.  They are soooo worthless.  Right?  Man, stupid peasants.  Always bugging us nobles, eh?

Elmdor:  Who are you?

Algus:  Oh, sorry.  Pleased to meet you.  I'm Algus.  I come from a long line of great and grand knights.

Elmdor:  Never heard of you.

Algus:  Surely you heard of my father!  He was the greatest knight in all the land!  Why, my family has fought with honor and dignity for countless generations!  It all started when...

(Algus yabbers on for an hour about his great noble heritage)

Algus:  and then the evil chocobo monster was slain!  (and then my father lost all my family's honor by doing something so nasty even Bill Clinton would puke but you don't want to hear about that)  So, you see, my family is truely one of the greatest in all the land!  I'm looking to become a knight myself.  Would you care to consider recruiting me?  I'm sure you would.  Why, with my great heritage and honor and great abilities I'm sure you would just...

(Elmdor nods at Celia)

(Lede dashes by, uses stop switch on Algus and kills him, and dashes away)

Algus:  ACK!!!  WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT FOR?

Elmdor:  Sigh.

(Elmdor walks on)

Lavian:  Wow.  Who's that guy?

Elmdor:  Ah, permit me to introduce my self.  I am Marquis Elmdor.  In battle, my foes would call me the Silver Ogre!  And this is my younger brother, Sephiroth.  In battle, my foes would call him the Silver Orc!

Sephiroth:  #$(&)@$.  Stupid orc trash.

Lavian:  Orc?

Elmdor:  Yeah.  They called him that because he's shorter than me.

Sephiroth:  ........
 
 
 
 

Lavian:  So that's how I met Sephiroth.

Gafgarion:  Yawn.

Ramza:  Are we at the interesting part, yet?

Lavian:  But then the trouble started when Dycedarg decided to....
 
 
 

Ramza:  Dycedarg, what are you doing?

Dycedarg:  Go away runt!

(Dycedarg picks up Ramza and chucks him away)

(Dycedarg stuffs another moss fungus into his mouth)

Dycedarg:  Heh heh.  I'm going to poison my father and he'll die and none of my brothers will ever know!

(Dycedarg pours the fungus into his father's cup)

Zalbag:  Hey, brother!  Sup?  I'm thirsty.  Think I'll drink from my cup now.

(Zalbag chugs the moss fungus)

Dycedarg:  Oops.  Wrong cup.

(Dycedarg pours the fungus into what really was his father's cap)

Zalbag:  This punch tastes funky.

Dycedarg:  Heh heh.  Now I'll just let my father drink it and die!

(Zalbag drops down dead)
 
 
 

Lavian:  And then....

Ramza:  This is so stupid!  None of this is relevant to that evil guy!  None of this is interesting either!  And Dycedarg could never chuck me across a ball room!

Lavian:  Fine!  I'll just quickly summarize what happened.  Basically, Ramza's father accidentally spilled the cup on Sephiroth and a giant mushroom grew out of his head and he got so pissed that he swore he'd get revenge by kidnapping Ramza's sister in four years.  The end.  Ramza's father later ended up getting poisoned and dying from it and Dycedarg was never brought to justice but that's another story.

Ramza:  It's about time.

Gafgarion:  Let's go get that Sephiroth!  Come on, Ramza!  Come on, Rad!

(Rad is waltzing with Celia)

Rad:  Aw.... do I have to go?

Lede:  Pss.  Celia, invite him to your room so we can cook him and eat him.

Celia:  Shut up.

Gafgarion:  Fine.  You stay here and make sure nothing else happens.  Let's go.

(Ramza, Gafgarion, Lavian, and Alicia leave)






Meanwhile.......

Agrias:  Dammit!  I'm not Ramza's sister!

Sephiroth:  Oh, sure, that's what they all say.

Agrias:  I'm the great holy knight!  I can beat you!

(Agrias draws her sword)

Sephiroth:  HA!  Oh yeah?  Let me show you the power of this materia.  JOB CHANGE!

(Sephiroth zaps Agrias and turns her into a time mage)

Agrias:  Huh?  What did that do?

(Picture Agrias in Time Mage clothes)

Sephiroth:  My nasty job change ability instantly transforms you into such incredibly crappy jobs that you can't fight back!

Agrias:  Damn!  How the hell is a time mage supposed to fight someone one on one?

Sephiroth:  HA HA HA!!!

(Agrias casts slow on Sephiroth)

Sephiroth:  H   E   Y.      W   H   A   T      A   R   E      Y   O   U      D   O   I   N   G   ?

(Agrias casts haste on herself)

Agrias:  eventhoughI'matimemageI'llstilldefeatyou!!!!

(Agrias punches Sephiroth)

Agrias:  Man.  I don't even have a staff.

Sephiroth:  You can't beat me!

(Sephiroth chops Agrias)

Agrias:  Damn.  He's right.  Forget this!

(Agrias casts don't move on Sephiroth and runs away)

Sephiroth:  HEY!  Come back and fight!  NOOOO!!!! C A N ' T   M O V E!

(Don't move wears off)

Sephiroth:  Sigh.  This stinks.

(Ramza, Gafgarion, Lavian, and Alicia burst in)

Alicia:  Lady Agrias!  We are here to save you!

Ramza:  Yeah!

Lavian:  We'll show you!

Gafgarion:  I'd better get paid a bunch for this.

Sephiroth:  HA!!  Just try!  JOB CHANGE!!!

(Alicia turns into an archer, Ramza turns into a mimic, Lavian turns into an oracle, and Gafgarion turns into a chicken)

Alicia:  OH NO!!!  I've transformed into a stupid icky hairstyled low class piece of junk!

Ramza:  OH NO!!!  I've transformed into a stupid icky hairstyled low class piece of junk!

Lavian:  NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!  I've become an oracle!!!  THE MOST WORTHLESS JOB EVER CONCEIVED!!!!!!  What's the deal with this crappy job anyway?  As if status ailments with low success rates are worth anything...

Gafgarion:  Ba-kawk!  (translation:  What the hell?!?  Since when did chicken become a job?)

Sephiroth:  HA HA HA!!!  Wither away in your uselessness!

Rad:  Surprise!

(Rad smacks Sephiroth with his nerf sword)

Sephiroth:  Ouch!  Oh yeah?  JOB CHANGE!!!!

(Sephiroth zaps Rad)

(Nothing happens)

Sephiroth:  NOOOOOOOO!!!  C A N ' T.... urg.... C H A N G E...... I N ...... TO...... ANYTHING...... WORSE THAN..... A SQUIRE......

Rad:  ...........

(Rad turns into a hell knight)

Rad:  Huh?

Sephiroth:  Hell knight?  HELL KNIGHT?!?  HA HA HA!!!!!

Alicia:  Hell knight?  LOL.  And I thought the no accuracy archer was bad!

Lavian:  Yeah!  Hell Knight is even worse than oracle!

Gafgarion:  Ba-kawk!

Ramza:  Ba-kawk!

Sephiroth:  HA HA HA!  I have you now!

Ramza:  HA HA HA!  I have you now!

Alicia:  Well, at least none of us were turned into bards.

Sephiroth:  U suck.

Lavian:  Well, duh!  I'm an oracle!  What do you expect?

Rad:  Sigh. Well, even though we are weak now, it's still five to one!  Let's get him!

(Rad, Lavian, Alicia, Ramza, and Gafgarion the chicken clobber Sephiroth)

Sephiroth:  ACK!
 
 
 
 

Later...

Lavian:  We won!

Ramza:  We won!

(Lavian smacks Ramza)

Lavian:  Stop copying me!

(Ramza smacks Ramza)

Ramza:  Stop copying me!  I mean, OUCH!

(Gafgarion the chicken jumps up and down on Sephiroth)

Gafgarion:  Ba-kawk!

Rad:  Let's go back to the ball and party!

Ramza:  Yeah.

(Rad, Gafgarion, Lavian, Alicia, and Ramza go back to the church into the sunset for a happy ending)





Mustadio:  Hey, dad, what's that?

Besrodio:  This, my son, is zodiac stone!  Never EVER let it fall into the wrong hands.  Especially the hands of that fatso, Bort.

Bart Rudvich:  It's BART!

Besrodio:  Bort, Bart, what's the difference.

Mustadio:  No, not the stone.  I meant that strange machine.

Besrodio:  I have no clue.  I just dug it up.  I think it's a time machine.  Exactly where I keep getting these things is a mystery to me.

Mustadio:  Hey!  Your stone is activating it!

Sephiroth:  BWA HA HA!  I shall travel in time and kill all the Beoulves!

(Sephiroth jumps into the time machine)

Mustadio:  Gee... any idea where.... or when it goes?




(The hospital)

(Hojo is looking down at a little baby)

Sephiroth: YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAH!

(Sephiroth falls on and crushes the baby)

(Hojo looks up at Sephiroth)

Hojo:  MY SON!

Sephiroth:  HUH?  Hoo boy.  Dammit!  This is sooo stupid!  How the hell did I get here?  This is a huge discrepancy in the Final Fantasy VII story line, too!  Grr!  I'll show everyone!  I think I'll send Cloud back in time and put him through the same corny suffering I went through.

Hojo:  SOOOON!

Sephiroth:  Oh shut up.
 
 
 
 
 

Agrias:  Damn.  Being a lone time mage and getting lost really sucks.

(Agrias looks at all the evil glaring eyes peering out of the bushes around her)

Agrias:  Ulp...