Yuffie:  Celes Chere, you have just reclaimed your position as the Empress of Vector.  What do you plan to do, now?

Celes:  Ah ha ha ha!  I plan to conquer every planet in existence!  Look out, world!  Celes Chere is out to conquer the universe!

Cait Sith:  Damn!  Why the heck do we always do this?

Yuffie:  Shaddup!  You're just the stupid camera man!  You're not supposed to say anything!

(Cait Sith adjusts the camera so that Yuffie looks like a blurred blob)

Locke:  Celes!  What the hell are you doing?

Celes:  WAAAH!!  LOCKE!

Locke:  I thought I told you to stop this nonsense!

Celes:  Well, you see, Wicked begged me to come back and help him out, so I did and...

(Wicked drags Locke to a nearby alley)

Wicked:  You fool!  Can't you just let her conquer in peace?

Locke:  What?  No way!  Why the heck are you doing this for her?  Do you love her?

(Wicked pukes)

Wicked:  No way!  I'm just too stupid to conquer by myself, so I need her great strategies.

Locke:  Well, I'm not going to let you corrupt Celes!

Wicked:  Oh yeah?

Locke:  Yeah!

(Locke is secretly beheaded without Celes knowing about it.  Celes and Wicked plot universal domination)

Celes:  Grand dad!

Cid:  Food?

Celes:  STOP THINKING ABOUT FOOD!

Cid:  I'm hungry...

Celes:  I need you to work on a rocket so I can send my armies to other planets.

Cid:  Rocket?  Wow!  I'll get on it right away!

(Cid starts to work on a rocket)

Cid:  I don't know why, but I have a sudden urge to name this rocket the Shinra No. 26.  Maybe it's just me.

(Cid completes the rocket)

Celes:  Setzer, you're the air force commander, you command the rockets.

Setzer:  Cool!

(Celes and her Vectorian army enters the rocket)

Setzer:  Welcome to the first interplanetary casino!

Celes:  What?!

Army:  Hooray!

(Celes' army gambles away all of their money, gets drunk, and hangs out with cute female dealers in bunny suits)

Celes:  SETZER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(The Vectorian Army goes to space)

Celes:  Wow!  Space is cool!

Terra:  Drat.  I left the kids at home.  I hope Duane and Katarin can take care of them.

(meanwhile)

Kids:  WE WANT MOMMY!

Katarin:  Mommy isn't here right now.

Kids:  WAAAAAH!

Duane:  That's it!  I'm going to KILL all of you little brats!

(Duane rips out an axe)

Kids:  MOMMY!

Katarin:  Duane!  What are you doing?  Is this how you handle children?

Duane:  Yeah!

Katarin:  How dare you!

Duane:  Shut up!

(Duane and Katarin get a divorce.  Terra ponders how they are doing)

Terra:  I'm sure they're all right.  They do love each other, after all.

Cid:  DAMMIT SHERA!  GIVE ME MY GODDAMN TEA!!!

(Cid smacks Terra)

Terra:  OUCH!  I'm not Shera!  I'm Terra!

Cid:  Oops.  Sorry.  Don't know what came over me.

Vegie:  Empress Celes and Emperor Wicked, we picked up signs of life on a nearby planet.

Celes:  All right!  Let's take it over!  Empress Celes and Emperor Wicked?  Yuck.  Sounds like we're married or something...

Vegie:  Shouldn't we send in a reconassaince team, first?

Celes:  Hmm.  This looks like a job for my master ninja.

(Celes whistles)

(Yuffie hops over)

Yuffie:  Grandmaster Materia Hunter X, at your service!

Relm:  Yeah, right!  My dad is so much better than you!

Yuffie:  Shaddup!

Celes:  Why are you here?  Go away!

(Relm is ejected into space in an escape pod)

Celes:  Lousy pest.

Yuffie:  I'll investigate the planet right away!

(Yuffie lands on that planet)

Yuffie:  Hmm....  I'd better go in stealth.  I can't be detected.

(Yuffie uses her ninja skills to hide in the shadows where no one can see her)

Shake:  Hey, Yuffie.

Yuffie:  Quiet!  You might give me away!  You can't see me because I'm hiding in the shadows where no one can see me.

Shake:  Ah huh.  Yeah.  Whatever.  Hey, Yuffie, while you're hiding in the shadows where no one can see you, can I borrow your stereo?

Yuffie:  Huh?  Oh, sure.

(Shake leaves)

Yuffie:  Gee, this planet sure is strange...

(Yuffie comes to the startling revelation that it's HER planet)

Yuffie:  Aw gawd.

(Yuffie arrives back at Celes)

Celes:  Well?

Yuffie:  It's kind of difficult.  Um, that nation called Wutai is WAY too powerful.  They have powerful abilities, as well as a HUGE cannon called the Sister Ray.

Celes:  Great.  So I can't conquer it?

Yuffie:  Well, there IS a much weaker nation.

Celes:  What's that?

Yuffie:  The Shinra!

Celes:  Cool!

(Celes plots her plan to conquer the Shinra)
 
 Celes:  We should surround the place, and overwhelm our opponents with battle tactics.  Cid's division goes here, Terra's mechateks go here, Setzer's....

Wicked:  Screw battle tactics!  Let's just go in and squash the enemy!

Soldiers:  YEAH!!!!

Celes:  Um... whatever.

(The Vector army lands at Midgar)

Rufus:  What the hell?  Palmer, I think that spaceship you sent up five years ago is finally landing.

Palmer:  Wow!  Do you think those martians got that gift of donuts that I sent with the rocket?

Rufus:  I dunno.

(Meanwhile)

Marvin the martian:  Ipsigilaga?

Marvin's wife, George:  Unga bunga.

(Marvin and George glare at the donuts)

Marvin:  Umbop

(Marvin eats one)

Marvin:  AGH!!! NOESBUENO!!!!!

(Translation:  HORRID HORRID THING!  I AM POISONED!)

(Meanwhile...)

Cait Sith:  Hey!  What's the big idea making Celes attack my Shinra company?

Yuffie:  Who, me?  I didn't do it!  Um... It was Terra!

Terra:  The hell you talking about?

(Cid walks over)

Cid:  Come on!  We're ready to invade!

Terra:  EEEEK!

(Terra cowers in a corner from Cid)

(All of the vectorians jump off the rocket and attack the Shinra)

Celes:  Invaders!!!

Setzer:  From Space!!!

Terra:  Space Invaders!!!

Celes:  .......

Shinra Soldiers:  ATTACK!! We're being attacked by space invaders!

Rufus:  *sniff*  I loved that game.

(A huge battle goes on.  Millions of casualties on both sides as soldiers shoot each other and the IAF battles Gelnika planes and Terra's Mechateks deal with Shinra's own robots like airbusters and roboscorpions and such)

Celes:  Damn, this is taking a long time.

Terra:  WAAAH!!!!  STOP THE BLOODFEST!

Celes:  I'm going after the leader!!!

(Celes charges into the Shinra building)

Yuffie:  Come on, Camera man!  We have to catch this!

Cait Sith:  #($&)@$&(.....

(Cait Sith and Yuffie follow Celes)

Scarlet:  Kya ha ha!   You can't beat the Proud Clod!

(A huge robot walks up to Celes)

Heideggar:  We are invincible!!!

(Heideggar and Scarlet enter the Proud Clod)

Celes:  Whatever.

(Celes smacks the Proud Clod and it explodes)

Scarlet:  Damn!

Heideggar:  These "Proud Clod REALLY sucks" jokes are getting old.

(Scarlet slaps Celes)

Celes:  What the hell?

Scarlet:  Bitch slap fight!

(Scarlet slaps Celes again)

Scarlet:  HA HA HA!

(Celes rips out her empress sword and chops Scarlet.  Scarlet dies)

Heideggar:  Uh oh...

(Celes glares at Heideggar)

(Reeve runs up to Celes)

Reeve:  STOP!!!!  STOP THE MADNESS!!!

Celes:  Shut up!

(Celes chops Reeve.  Reeve dies)

Cait Sith:  AGHAFANAGA!

(Cait Sith dies)

Celes:  Why the hell did your camera man die?

Yuffie:  Beats me.  Maybe he had a heart attack or somethin'.

Celes:  Forward!!!

(Celes and Yuffie dash further into the building)

Shinra Soldiers:  Get them!

(Celes easily beats the Shinra soldiers because they suck at fighting, just like Vectorian soldiers.  I mean, come on.  When was the last time in FF7 that you were killed by that  soldier and his 5hp damage machine gun?)

Celes:  This is too easy!

Hojo:  Hmm.....  Let's see how the new Shinra 1st class soldier works!

(Hojo snaps his fingers and Cloud and Zack and Sephiroth run over)

Zack:  You called, Master?

Cloud:  The hell?!  Why the hell am I being controlled by Hojo?

Yuffie:  I guess this fan fic is meant to take place before FF7.

Cloud:  So?  I don't want to be controlled by some old wrinkly freak with 11 toes!

(Cloud chops down Hojo)

Celes:  Whatever. Hey, Yuffie, deal with these other two soldiers.

(Celes runs up to Rufus, leaving Yuffie all by herself to fight Sephiroth and Zacks)

Yuffie:  Ulp...

(At Rufus...)

Rufus:  Tseng!  Stop him!

Celes:  .......

Rufus:  Oops!  I mean, her!  Sorry, typo.

Tseng:  Come on, Turks!  Let's get her! r

Celes:  Hmm.... I appear to be outnumbered...

Reno:  WOW!  She's beautiful!!!

Rude:  Yeah......

Elena:  HELLO?  Hellloooooo?  Kill her!

Celes:  I'm beautiful?  Thanks!  Damn Locke never said anything about how I looked.  Hey, do me a favor and kill that guy with the dot on his forehead and that short blonde airhead.

Reno and Rude:  SURE!

Tseng:  Hmm....

(Celes chases after Rufus)

Celes:  Ah ha!  I have found you!  Now you will die, and I will rule!  Ha ha ha!!!

Rufus:  Oh yeah?

Tseng:  YOU IDIOTS!  Stop smacking me around!

(Tseng shoots Reno and Rude)

Reno:  Oops.  Sorry, boss.

Rude:  ......

Rufus:  Sick her, Dark Nation!

Dark Nation:  Meow?

Rufus:  Well?

(Dark Nation walks up to Celes and glares at her)

Dark Nation:  Yo quiero Taco Bell!

Celes:  ?

(Rufus whips out his shot gun and blows Celes' head off while she's wondering why this cat is speaking Spanish)

Celes:  OUCH!!!  That's it!  Terra!  Get over here!

(Terra slashes Rufus with the atma weapon.  Rufus dies)

Terra:  Why do I always have to be your stupid body guard?

(A really badly beat up Yuffie limps upstairs)

Yuffie (sarcastic):  Gee, thanks a lot, boss!

Celes:  HA HA HA!!!  I am victorious!!!  Nothing can stop me now!!!

(Celes gets hit by a truck driven by Palmer)
 

(Later....)

Celes:  Ouch.... where am I?

Terra:  You're at the Vector hospitable.

Yuffie:  Like me...

Celes:  DAMN IT!

Terra:  So what will we do tommorow night?

Celes:    :)
 

(The next day...)

Cecil:  Dammit, Cid!  Why the hell did you smack Rosa and ask her for tea?

Cid:  I was hungry... and riding the big whale made me feel like I wanted to name it the Shinra N....

Cecil:  Hey, someone's at the door.

(Cecil opens up the door, and looks at.... CELES!)

Celes:  Surprise!

(Celes Chere conquers the planet of FFIV Japan, or FFII US.)

Cecil:  What the hell?

Celes:  HA HA HA!  Now I can make this planet pay taxes!  And best of all, there aren't any trucks to hit me!

(Celes is run over by a dwarven tank)

                                                                                        The End