By James Chang
nikken@erols.com
http://www.oocities.org/TimesSquare/Battlefield/2740
Cast
Reno and Rude as Francisco and Bernardo
Tseng as Marcus
Barret as Horatio
Rufus as Claudius
Cloud as Hamlet
Heideggar as Polonius
Aeris as Ophelia
And the rest is a surprise...
Since this is a parody and I don't know the exact script of Hamlet, I will improvise with normal English and paraphrasing...
Outside the castle of Midgar (Denmark), Reno is on duty...
Reno: Dum de dum... Ah... Honeybee magazine... Can't be on duty without it!
(Reno continues to read his porno mag...)
Reno: Gee...
(Reno looks up at a statue of President Shinra)
Reno: Scary... Wait! What's that!? INTRUDER!
(Reno tackles Rude)
Reno: DIE, you intruder!
(Reno electrifies Rude)
Rude: You idiot! It's me! I'm here to help you gaurd!
Reno: Oops.
Tseng: Sigh.
Barret: Ain't nothin' worse than knowing that you foo's are the ones who are in charge of protectin' Midgar.
Reno: Commander Tseng! Sir Barret!
Tseng: ....
Barret: What's that!?
(The ghost of President Shinra floats in front of them)
Barret: Somethin' is rottin' in da state of Midgar!
President Shinra: .....
Barret: Say somethin', you foo'!
President Shinra: .....
Barret: What do you want!?
President Shinra: .....
Barret: Argh! Enough of this!
(Barret shoots the ghost of President Shinra. The ghost of President Shinra drops down, dead)
Barret: Oops.
Reno: Great! Now you've gone and killed the ghost of our former leader!
Barret: Um... It ain't my fault!
Tseng: Forget it. We'd better tell Cloud that Barret just killed the ghost of his father. We'll leave the carcass here until then.
Rude: Won't it rot or something?
The next day...
The Palace Throne Room
Rufus: I mourn the loss of my dear brother, President Shinra... Eh? My brother!? Something is screwy... Oh well. Anyway, I mourn the loss of my brother... yada yada yada... And now my onetime sister is now my wife... Wait a minute! That's disgusting!
Scarlett: This is cool! I get to be married to Rufus!
Rufus: Onetime sister is now my wife!? That's incest!
Heideggar: No! You got it wrong, Rufus. You see, President Shinra was your brother...
Rufus: Since when!?
Heideggar: Since this fan fic was written! Deal with it! ANYWAY, he was your brother, and he was married to Scarlett. So Scarlett became your sister-in-law. But when the old fart died, you married Scarlett. Thus, your onetime sister is now your wife.
Scarlett: I was married to President Shinra!? ECH! (Scarlett pukes)
Rufus: Hey! Don't ruin my million gil carpet!
Cloud: How can you people be talking about this when President Shinra just died?
Scarlett: Who cares? I got Rufus, now!
Cloud: Frailty, thy name is woman!
Scarlett: Say what?
Rufus: What are you talking about?
Cloud: She just left my dear dad right after he died...
Rufus: Of course she did! We all know that Scarlett is always constantly chasing after more and more men and is a flake and...
Scarlett: WHAT!?
(Scarlett slaps Rufus)
Cloud: Sigh.
Later, in Cloud's room...
Cloud: No one cares about father... Wait a minute... Why the hell would I care about President Shinra?! Ewwww....
Barret: Yo, spike ass!
Cloud: Barret!
Barret: I just saw the ghost of your father!
Cloud: Really? I must talk to him!
Barret: Um... I kind of... killed it.
Cloud: What!?
Barret: But we can visit the carcass if we want to!
Cloud: .......
Later, at the body of the ghost of President Shinra...
Cloud: Father!
President Shinra: Cloud, my son...
Cloud: Yuck! I don't want to be your son!
President: The serpent that did sting thy father's life, is none other than his brother...
Cloud: Huh? What the hell are you talking about?
President: I'm saying that Rufus murdered me, you idiot!
Cloud: Oh.
President: Avenge me, my son...
(The ghost floats away)
Cloud: Do I have to?
President: YES!
Cloud: Drat. I'm not going to.
President: Oh yeah?!
(President Shinra zaps Cloud with a strange beam, killing Cloud's brain cells and causing him to go insane)
Cloud: EIPI$UOWPJGF:
President: Heh heh.
The next day, Sephiroth, Aeris, and Heideggar are walking together.
Sephiroth: Aeris, my dear sister, I must warn you that...
Aeris: When did I become your sister?
Sephiroth: Beats the hell out of me. You want to know something that's really strange?
Aeris: What?
Sephiroth: In this fan fic, Heideggar gets to be our father.
Aeris: Ugh...
Heideggar: Aeris! I want you to stop having an affair with Cloud!
Aeris: I have an affair with Cloud?
Heideggar: Um... (Looks at his script) Yeah!
Aeris: Wow!
Heideggar: Cloud is dangerous! He's gone insane!
Aeris: No way!
Sephiroth: Dear sister, (sheesh) just be careful. I'm heading north, now, to fight the forces of Norway... er... Wutai. Good luck!
(Sephiroth leaves)
Cloud: Aeris jasl fnc qncir!
Aeris: Eek!
Heideggar: See? Cloud's gone psycho!
Aeris: Help!
(Aeris runs away)
Heideggar: Mad for thy love? I have found the very cause of Cloud's lunacy. He must have gone mad because I kept Aeris away from him. Hmm...
Later, in the throne room...
Rufus: I see... So you think Cloud went mad because he couldn't be with Aeris, right?
Heideggar: More or less.
Rufus: Let's arrange a meeting for Cloud and Aeris, heh heh.
Later...
Aeris: Spy on Cloud? No way!
Heideggar: You'd better!
Aeris: ....
(Heideggar and Rufus hide)
Aeris: Hi, Cloud!
Cloud: %RGJKWE:WEJG:KJF:LASDFJ:
Aeris: Um...
Cloud: To be, or not to be... that is the question...
(Cloud points his big ass sword at himself)
Aeris: This isn't working...
Rufus: You idiot! You were wrong!
(Rufus smacks Heideggar)
Heideggar: Ouch!
Later...
Cloud: Heh heh. I must kill Rufus and avenge President Shinra's death before I can be sane, again. But first, I need proof that Rufus killed the fat man. I will hold a play, where the brother of the king murders the king, and then Rufus will feel so guilty about his crime that he will react with shock. Then I know that he is the one who killed President Shinra...
The play...
Actor: Grrr! Die, brother!
Brother: Agh! He killed me! What a god-awful crime! Oh! The humanity! Anyone who has committed a crime like this must be feeling very guilty right about now and will suffer eternal torment if he does not confess!
Cloud: Heh heh. That oughta do it. Now Rufus should confess...
Rufus: Ha ha ha! This play is hilarious!
Cloud: .....
Scarlett: Rufy-woofy? I'm going to my room to put on more hair dye.
Rufus: Eh? Why the hell are you talking to me? Go away.
Scarlett: .....
Cloud: Hmm. Maybe Scarlett can tell me that Rufus killed President Shinra. I will follow her!
Heideggar: Uh oh. Psycho boy is up to something. I'd better follow him.
(Scarlett goes to her room. Cloud follows her. In Scarlett's room, Heideggar hides behind the curtains to spy)
Cloud: Mother!
Scarlett: Eh?
Cloud: You have my father very much offended.
Scarlett: Huh?
Cloud: CONFESS! Rufus killed him, didn't he!?
Cloud grabs Scarlett
Scarlett: Help! HO!
Heideggar: Shit! HELP!
Cloud: How now, a rat!?
Cloud charges towards the curtains with his big ass sword
Heideggar looks at the script. It tells him that Polonius gets killed at this point. Heideggar glares at Cloud's big ass sword.
Heideggar: SHIT! They don't pay me enough for this! I quit!
Heideggar bails out of this fan fic
Scarlett: Great, Cloud! Now look what you did! You killed Heideggar! Aeris and Sephiroth are going to be mad that you killed their father!
Cloud: Um, I didn't kill him. He ran away.
Scarlett: Well, he's as good as dead once the author finds out that he ran away from this fan fic, so I'll just say that you killed him.
Cloud: ....
Aeris: Oh no! You killed my father!
Cloud: No I didn't.
Rufus: You murderor! I shall send you away to Corel!
Cloud: Hey!
Rufus stuffs Cloud into a cannon. The cannon shoots Cloud into the far off country of Corel.
Rufus: Heh heh heh. Once Cloud reaches Corel, my Turks will assassinate and kill him!
Sephiroth: Where is my father!?
Rufus: Eh? Aren't you supposed to be fighting Wutai?
Sephiroth: Who cares about that!? I came back when I heard that my father was killed.
Rufus: Wow. News travels, fast! Anyway, Cloud killed him.
Sephiroth: Then I must kill Cloud!
Aeris: Daddy died. Oh well. He was a knucklehead, anyway.
Sephiroth: What!? How dare you!
Sephiroth slices Aeris with his masamune and kills her.
Rufus: Great. Now you've gone and killed Aeris.
Sephiroth: Well, she was annoying, anyway.
Meanwhile, on the way to Corel...
Yuffie: Hi, Cloud!
Cloud: Eh? What are you doing, here?
Yuffie: I'm commanding an army to attack and take over Midgar! Isn't that cool?
Cloud: Whatever. Hey, can you help me get home?
Yuffie: Um, sure!
Yuffie stuffs Cloud into a cannon and fires him back to Midgar
At a Midgar graveyard, the two gravediggers, Hojo and Vincent, are digging a new grave and goofing off.
Hojo: La de da!
Hojo plays the bones like a keyboard.
Vincent: I'm tired of working with you! Die!
Vincent shoots Hojo and kills him.
Vincent: Yeah! Now I'm the only grave digger!
Cloud and Barret walk over.
Cloud: Who's grave is this?
Vincent: Who cares? Hey, check this out! I killed Hojo!
Vincent hands Hojo's skull over to Cloud.
Barret: That's disgusting.
Cloud: Alas, poor Hojo. I knew him well.
Barret: That's wrong!
Cloud: What's wrong?
Barret: In the actual Shakespeare's "Hamlet," Hamlet says, "I knew him, Horatio." not "I knew him well."
Cloud: Shut up! What do you know!
Sephiroth, Rufus, and Scarlett walk over with Aeris' body.
Sephiroth: Goodbye, dear sister.
They bury Aeris
Cloud: Aeris is dead!? NOOOOOO!
Sephiroth: Cloud!
Cloud: You killed her!
Sephiroth: Well, you killed my father!
Cloud: You will die!
Rufus: Gentlemen! Calm down. Let's do this in a dignified fashion. You will dual each other at dawn.
Later...
Palmer: Hey hey! I get to be Osric, the referee!
Cloud: Eh? Must be those damn budget cuts.
Palmer: Shut up.
Rufus: Heh heh heh. When we drink the wine after the dual, Cloud will die. I filled his cup up with "Mako Cup," the ultimate in poisonous beverage.
Palmer: Begin!
Sephiroth: Die, Cloud!
Sephiroth charges Cloud. Cloud dodges, and cuts off Sephiroth's head.
Palmer: A hit. A very palpable hit.
Sephiroth: Oh shut up.
Cloud: There! I won!
Scarlett: Excellent! Cloud, I drink to your health!
Scarlett grabs Cloud's cup.
Rufus: Scarlett! Do not drink!
But Rufus is too late. Scarlett drinks the mako cup.
Scarlett: Eh? %$(@%OP@IUPO@!
Scarlett beeps, then rockets around the room like a ping pong ball, before flying away into the distance.
Cloud: RUFUS! You killed my mother!
Barret: This isn't good.
Tseng: Rufus! Wutai! Wutai is attacking the castle!
Rufus: Crap. Lock the doors!
Palmer runs up to the door and closes it. A truck bursts through the door and sends Palmer flying away.
Cloud: Rufus! You murderor! I will avenge my father!
Cloud chops Rufus and kills him.
Dark Nation (Rufus' pet panther): No me gusta!
Cloud: Huh?
Tseng: He's mad because you killed Rufus.
Cloud: Uh oh.
Dark Nation eats Cloud.
Barret: NO! Everyone's dead!
Yuffie enters with a bunch of soldiers. They stare at the dead Rufus.
Yuffie: Sheesh. I bring an army to kill the leader of Midgar, and he's already dead. Go figure.
Barret: Let all know about the tragic tale of Cloud, our hero.
Yuffie: Sure. I'll give him a good funeral. At any rate, now I get to be the leader of Midgar! I love this ending!
Barret: ....