Heretic Hunt
Our story starts at the knights' barracks. An old run down rat infested slimy building that
the great holy knight, Agrias, calls home...
(Agrias is asleep)
Agrias: zzzz.... stupid Gafgaron.....
Lavian: AGRIAS! AGRIAS! HELLLLOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
(Lavian pushes Agrias out of bed)
Agrias: Ouch! Huh? What the hell do you want?
Alicia: Hooray! Yet another day in the grand adventures of the great holy knights! (not to be
confused with the shrine knights) We're going to go bash some evil bad guys and such!
Lavian: Yeah! The high priest is calling us! It must be something big!
Agrias: (Stupid High Priest Funeral. He probably needs us to do his laundry or something)
(Agrias looks around her rat infested home)
Agrias: Damn, I need a raise.
Lavian: Help yourself to breakfast, boss.
(Agrias looks at her rat infested breakfast)
Agrias: Damn...
(There is a knock at the door)
Alicia: I'll get it!
(Alicia opens the door, and... IT'S Gafgaron! And his two flunkies, Rad and Ramza!)
Ramza: Flunky?! HEY! I'm the main character!
Gafgaron: Shut up, flunky.
Agrias: Great. It's Gafgaron.
Rad: HEY! Food!
(Rad helps himself to Agrias' rat infested breakfast)
Rat: Squeek!
Gafgaron: The high priest wants us to do something for him! Could mean big bucks! He told us
to bring you along.
Agrias: Great.
Rad: Big bucks rule!
Ramza: Umm.... yeah! (How the hell did I get mixed up with these two?)
Gafgaron: So? What are we waiting for? Let's go to Murond!
(Gafgaron drags Agrias away to Murond)
Murond Holy Place
Funeral: Back in my days, of course, evil monsters were five times as big as they are, now,
and a single knight could take down 50 goblins by himself without a chemist to back him up!
You young people are so spoiled nowadays!
Vormav: ........
Zalmo: Yeah. Funeral, Simon, and I took on an entire nest of chocobos and won! Of course, back
then, you could hardly call them chocobos, because they were really just big chickens.
Kletian: Yawn....
Simon: But you see, that was the joy of hunting chocobos. You weren't killing chocobos, you
were killing big chickens. Of course, in the old days, big chickens only costed one gil each,
and...
Balk: Why do we have to listen to these old geezers' stories?
Rofel: I can't take much more of this.
(Meliadoul and Izlude walk in)
Izlude: Father!
Vormav: Moron!
(Vormav slaps Izlude)
Izlude: OUCH!
Meliadoul: Why did he do that?
Izlude: Beats the hell out of me.
Meliadoul: That merc and those knights are here to see the high priest.
Funeral: Ah, good.
Simon: Now we'll get those heretics once and for all!
(Author's note: This was before Simon quit, if you didn't guess)
(Agrias and Gafgaron walk in)
Gafgaron: Money!
Agrias: Hey, Funeral. What is it this time?
Funeral: A heretic religion has started! We want you two to put an end to this threat before
the religion spreads! These people can't be allowed to go against God!
Agrias: Uh huh. Yeah, and what's this religion called?
Funeral: They call themselves "Communists" or something like that.
Zalmo: We have them hold up on an island of the coast of the Ipahfsdyfiaoh sea. You must go
there and wipe them out.
Agrias: Ipahfsdywha?
Gafgaron: Will do!
Agrias: Whatever. I'm going to tell Lavian and Alicia to get ready.
(Agrias leaves)
Vormav: Hey, Gafgaron!
Gafgaron: What?
Vormav: We heard rumours that the leader of the heretics, UncleSam, has a zodiac stone! You
must bring it to me!
Gafgaron: Why should...
Vormav: Money.
Gafgaron: Ok!
(Gafgaron leaves)
Rofel: Are you sure we can trust him to succeed?
Vormav: Whine whine whine. Is that all you can do?
Izlude: Well, Gafgaron always seemed like a moron to me.
Vormav: If you think he'll do so bad, why don't you go keep an eye on him, yourself?!
Izlude: Me?
Vormav: Rofel! Take Izlude and Meliadoul and make sure we get that stone!
Meliadoul: Why the hell do I have to go?
Vormav: Because I said so!
Meliadoul: .....damn dad......
Vormav: WHAT?
Meliadoul: I said, "Ham's bad!"
Vormav: Oh. Well, yes it sure is. Balk must have cooked it.
Balk: Shut up!
Outside the church
Agrias: Okay, now we could be getting into a big battle, so we'd better be prepared. We need a
healer. Who wants to be the chemist?
Gafgaron: Ugh!
Ramza: Hey, Rad, why don't you be the chemist?
Rad: No way! I don't want to be some loser chemist!
Lavian: What's the problem? You two are already loser squires!
(Lavian and Alicia laugh together)
Rad: Oh shut up!
Gafgaron: I don't need a healer! My Nightsword is good enough!
Agrias: But what if we need a phoenix down?
Ramza: Here's an idea. Why don't we all just set our secondary skill to "item"?
Agrias and Gafgaron: .......
Island off the Ipahfsdifiaoh sea
Agrias: I don't see any heretics...
Gafgaron: Me neither.
Rad: Um.... guys? Wrong sea.
Agrias: What?
Rad: We're in the Ipahfsdifiaoh sea. But the heretics are at the Ipahfsdyfiaoh sea. Note the
letter, "y" instead of the "i".
Agrias: What?!
Rad: According to my map, that sea would be approximately 500 miles from here.
Agrias: Damn spelling errors... how the hell is the Ipahfsdyfiaoh sea pronounced?
Lavian: EEP PAH SID DEE FEE AH OH.
Agrias: Oh shut up.
Island off the Ipahfsdyfiaoh sea
Agrias: THERE! Are we at the right sea now?!
Rad: Yup.
(Meanwhile)
Rofel: Man, why do I have to be stuck with you two brats?
Meliadoul: HEY!
Izlude: .....
(Back with Agrias and Gafgaron)
Ramza: And me!
(Our heroes find the heretics)
(Our heroes have to decide who to take into the battle party)
Agrias: We're only allowed to have five people in battle at once?! That sucks!
Gafgaron: We have six people. You, your two flunkies, me, and my two flunkies. One of us will
have to sit this one out.
Rad, Ramza, Alicia, and Lavian: WE'RE NOT FLUNKIES!
Ramza: Well, I HAVE to be in any major storyline battle. So they have to take me along.
(Gafgaron and Agrias decide to leave Ramza behind)
(The heretics appear!)
UncleSam: You stupid church pansies will never defeat us!
Agrias: Uh huh. Yeah, whatever. Damn communists.
Gafgaron: What's the communist religion about, anyway?
Agrias: I dunno. Something about everyone having the same amount of money or something.
Gafgaron: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! These communists must die!!!!
(The battle starts! Goal is to defeat UncleSam, of course. Enemies consist of five mediators
and UncleSam, who has the special job, "Lawyer." Lawyer is armed with the "Lawyer Talk" skill.
Each of the mediators have a different name each time you read this fan fic... er, enter this
battle. Right now, I'll just refer to them as Bill, Ted, Jack, and Jill)
Agrias: Mediators?! We're fighting mediators?! What are they going to do? Talk us to death?
(Bill uses talk skill "invite" on Lavian)
Lavian: Oh wow! You're saying that if I join you and kill Agrias, I can take over her position
as leader of the knights? Okay!
(Lavian gets invited)
Agrias: What the hell?
(Lavian uses battle skill, "weapon break" and breaks Agrias' sword)
Agrias: NOOOOOO! That sword was a family heirloom!
Gafgaron: HAHAHAHAHA! That's funny!
(Jack, Jill, and Ted all use talk skill, "Threaten", on Gafgaron, reducing his brave to zero and
turning him into a chicken)
Gafgaron: Ba-kawk!
Rad: Damn, this is getting bad...
Agrias: Great! I can't use my holy sword skill because I don't have a sword!
(Agrias punches Lavian)
Lavian: Ouch!
Agrias: BITCH!
Rad: Take this!
(Rad throws a stone at UncleSam and bonks him on the head)
UncleSam: Hey! Oh yeah?
(UncleSam uses lawyer talk skill, "Sue for damages", on Rad, making Rad give up all of his money.
"Sue for damages" is like a more powerful "Negotiate")
Gafgaron: Ba-kawk! (translation: My money!)
(Being a chicken, Gafgaron cowers in a corner)
Alicia: Oh no! What do I do?
Agrias: Kill their leader!
(Alicia smacks UncleSam)
UncleSam: Ouch!
(Bill, Ted, Jack, and Jill use their guns and snipe Rad to death)
Bill: Mediator power!
Rad: AAH!
(With a gaaaay sounding high pitched squeel that all male FFT characters have, Rad dies)
Agrias: Shoot!
Rad: Phoenix down! Phoenix down!
Agrias: I don't know how to use one!
Gafgaron: Ba-kawk! (me neither!)
Rad: You assholes! Couldn't even earn some job points as a chemist to learn "Phoenix Down!"
Ramza: Don't worry, Rad! I'll save you!
(Ramza runs into the battle as a guest and uses item, "phoenix down" on Rad)
Rad: Hooray! I'm alive!
Lavian: Die!
(Lavian smacks Rad and he dies again)
Ramza: .....
(All the mediators use their guns and snipe Alicia to death)
Alicia: ACK!
Gafgaron: Ba-kawk!
Agrias: This is REALLY getting bad...
(Suddenly, Rofel, Izlude, and Meliadoul burst in)
Rofel: AH HA HA HA! Take this! Hellcry punch!!
(Rofel uses his awesome mighty sword skill, "hellcry punch", and breaks UncleSam's weapon while
seriously damaging him)
Meliadoul: Shellburst stab!
(Meliadoul uses her awesome mighty sword skill, "Shellburst stab", and breaks UncleSam's helmet
while seriously damaging him)
Izlude: *sniff* Why don't I have any cool unique moves, dammit!? I'm a unique job, too! I'm
a blade knight! But noooooooo, the only skill I get is "jump!" What the hell?! I should have
been a divine knight or a holy knight.
(Izlude smacks UncleSam)
(UncleSam dies)
UncleSam: Drat.
(Battle ends)
After the battle
Agrias: Whew. I guess we showed them. Where's Lavian?
Alicia: Don't you remember? She joined the enemy, so now she's gone, permanently.
Agrias: What? That sucks! Where's the reset button?
(Rofel drags Lavian over)
Lavian: Ow...
Agrias: There you are!
Lavian: Um... about me wanting to kill you... I didn't reeeaaally mean it.
Agrias: Oh shut up. I'm suspending your paycheck!
Lavian: Drat.
Agrias: (As if it'll make a difference. Not like we get PAID, anyway)
Rofel: Well, Gafgaron, did you get the stone?
Gafgaron: Yup. Here.
(Gafgaron hands Rofel a rock)
Rofel: What the hell is this?
Izlude: That doesn't look like a zodiac stone.
Meliadoul: Looks pretty, though.
(The "Rock" hatches, and out pops... a chocobo!)
Rofel: A CHOCOBO EGG?
Boco: Wark.
Rofel: Hoo boy. Vormav's gonna be pissed.
Gafgaron: I still get paid, though, right?
Back at the Knight's Barracks
Lavian: Good night!
Alicia: Good night!
Agrias: Yeah, whatever.
Lavian: You have to admit, that was a lot more fun than doing the high priest's laudry.
Alicia: And we can sleep easy tonight because we know we made a difference in the world!
Agrias: Yeah...
Rat: Squeek.
The End
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