War Espionage
 
 
Even after the death of Saint Ajora, his/ (hers?) followers never could believe that the supposedly male that could transform into a female angel was gone forever.  They continued to try to find ways to bring about... um... it's revival, and do so to this day.  Thing was, the bodies of Ajora's followers were kind of destroyed, too.  I guess no one really likes big hideous monsters and decided to slay them all.  But the souls/spirits of Ajora's followers were forever sealed away in 12... I mean, 13? zodiac stones.  Well, not exactly forever.  If someone allowed the stone to take over him (for as far as I know, no females were stupid enough to get possessed by one of Ajora's followers), the monster could live again.  Now Ajora's followers continue to search for just the right gullible people.  However, there are many ignorant people who also want the stone.  Veeery ignorant people....
 
 

Prince Barinten:  Oooooh.... the stone is so shiny!

(Prince Barinten waves his shiny zodiac stone around)

(Malak walks into the empty dining hall)

Malak:  Father?

Barinten:  I have a job for you.  And don't call me that, you stupid boy.

Malak:  .........  What is it?

Barinten:  (Idiot, do you want him to get suspicious like his dumb sister did?)  Oops.  Forget that stupid boy remark.

Malak:  Um..... oook.

Barinten:  Now, anyway, I've heard reports of another zodiac stone being cited.  AND I MUST HAVE IT.  Go get it for me, ok?

Malak:  Yes, sir!
 
 

(Dusty warehouse)

Malak disquised as a frog:  Rafa!

Rafa:  EEEEEEK!!!!  HIDEOUS SLIMY FROG!

(Rafa pounds the frog and splatters it all over the warehouse)

Malak:  ACK!

Rafa:  Oops!  Brother?  Malak?  Is that you?

Malak:  Ein Schmit!

Rafa:  Sorry.  Why do you always do that to me?

(Malak reverts to human form)

Malak:  Ahem.  Father wants us to get him another zodiac stone.

Rafa:  Well, too bad.  He's not our father, Malak!

Malak:  YES HE IS!  Due to my stupid stubborn nature, I must insist that he is!  Well, not biologically, of course, but he took us in when our parents were killed!

Rafa:  That's because he wants our truth abilities!  He IS the one who killed our parents!

Malak:  No he isn't!  Your argument doesn't hold up.

Rafa:  Why not?

Malak:  Why  would father want our truth abilities?  They REALLY suck hosewater.

Rafa:  Hmm..... good point.  Okey dokey!  Let's get that stone.

Malak:  Now you're talking!
 
 
 
 
 

The rat's den.  Also known as the house of the great Holy Knight, Agrias.

Lavian:  AGRIAS!!!!  Alicia's being a real prick again and won't get off the Sony playstation and let me have a turn!

Agrias:  ........ When did I get a Sony Playstation?  Given my paycheck, I can't even afford a lowly Nintendo Entertainment System....

Lavian:  OOPS!  Did I say we had a Sony Playstation?  Um... I was just joking!

(Agrias walks up to Alicia and grabs the Sony Playstaion that they were hiding from Agrias)

Agrias:  Hmm.  Wait a minute!

(Agrias grabs the TV that they were hiding from her too.)

Alicia:  Nice job, moron.

Lavian:  Ulp...

Agrias:  (Cool.  Playstation.  Maybe I can buy FF8 if I save up for a year or two.)

(Gafgarion burst into the door)

Gafgarion:  Hiya!

Agrias:  Uh oh...

Gafgarion:  The magistrate has another job for us!  Oh boy!

Agrias:  What is it this time?

Gafgarion:  They want us to get them a zodiac stone or something like that!

(Ramza and Rad come in, talking to each other)

Rad:  She's really nice!  You should meet her!  And I think she really likes me.

Ramza:  Seriously?

Rad:  Yeah!  Celia is great.  She's beautiful, nice, and heck, she can even fight well!

Alicia:  Celia.... where did I hear that name before?

Gafgarion:  But first....

(Gafgarion puts out his hand to Agrias)

Agrias:  Huh?  What do you want?  A hearty handshake?

Gafgarion:  No, I want my pay, you idiot.

Agrias:  WHAT?

Gafgarion:  Funeral told me that you were going to give you my pay.

Agrias:  $&#@()$&....

(Agrias takes out her wallet, only to find it empty)

Agrias:  Huh?  Where did my gil go?

(Lavian looks at the Sony Playstation and whistles)

Gafgarion:  NO PAY?  This is an outrage!  Come on, guys, we're leaving!

Agrias:  Wait!

(Gafgarion grabs Rad and Ramza by the ears and leaves)

Rad/Ramza:  OW!

Agrias:  .......

Alicia:  NOW I remember!

Agrias:  What?

Alicia:  Celia is an evil ultima demon who likes to assassinate... or even EAT humans!

Agrias:  So?

Lavian:  Omigawd!  We have to save Rad.

Agrias:  We do?

Alicia:  Yeah!  Let's go.

Agrias:  HUH?
 
 

(Convenience store)

Gafgarion:  This place seems familiar.  Wasn't this the store mentioned in our mission briefing?  Like... I think this was where we were supposed to pick up the Zodiac stone.  Nah.

Rad:  I want to buy something for her.  Something to show her how I feel about her.

Ramza:  How about that shiny rock that looks like a zodiac stone?

Rad:  Good idea!  How much is it?

Shopkeeper who secretly works for Barinten:  How much?  (Gee, is this the guy Barinten sent over to pick up the stones?)

(Shopkeeper looks at Rad)

Shopkeeper:  (He was supposed to send over some guys... who, despite being his elite secret force, really sucked hosewater...)

(Shopkeeper looks at Rad again)

Shopkeeper:  Well, he's a squire.  How much more can you suck than that?

(Shopkeeper hands Rad the stone)

Rad:  For free?  Cool!

Ramza:  Huh?

(Little does the shopkeeper know that even a lowly squire is a better fighter than Malak.:) )

Gafgarion:  Whatever.  Let's go.

Rad:  Hey, I'm going out to dinner with her tonight!  I'll give her the jewel, then!

Ramza:  (Gee, now that I think about it, I don't have a girlfriend.  Hmm....)

(Gaff, Rad, and Ramza leave as Malak and Rafa come in)

Malak:  We're hear to pick up Barinten's stone.

Shopkeeper:  Eh?
 
 

(Outside the shop, Ramza hears a scream)

Malak:  YOU LOST THE STONE!!!!???

Shopkeeper:  I'm sorry!!!  Please don't kill me!

Malak:  DIE!!!!

(Huge thunderblast)

(Silence)

Ramza:  ??

Shopkeeper:  Ouch.  Gee, that thunder blast didn't hurt much at all.  You REALLY DO suck hosewater!

Malak:  WHAT?

Rafa:  Leave it, Malak.  Let's just get the stone.
 
 
 

(Rad puts on his tie and looks in the mirror)

Rad:  Yeah!  I look great!

(Ramza walks in)

Ramza:  ACK!  Rad, what the hell?

Rad:  How do you like the way I look?

Ramza:  But... A MEDIATOR?  That's the damn lowliest job you can have besides.... a squire!

Rad:  I thought that mediators looked the most formal, so I decided to dress like one for this occasion.

Gafgarion:  Mediators are actually really annoying.  Always sniping your ass with those damn guns...

(Rad and Ramza stare at Gafgarion)

Gafgarion:  Well, it's true!

Rad:  Well, I'm off!  Maybe I'll even propose marriage to her!

Ramza:  That'll be the day.

(Rad leaves)

(Alicia bursts into the room)

Alicia:  RAD!!!  STOP!

Ramza:  Too late.  He left.

Lavian:  Oh no!  We have to find him!

Agrias:  (no we dont.)
 
 
 

(Cid's Chocobop Restaurant)

Rafa:  I heard that the man who took the stone was coming here.

Malak:  *goggles at pretty girl*

Rafa:  Stop that, you idiot!

(Rafa slaps Malak)

Malak:  Ouch!  Since when did you become a psycho feminist?

Rafa:  It's not that.  That's Celia!  She's not human.

Malak:  You sure?

Rafa:  Yes.  Didn't you pay attention when Barinten was talking to Wiegraff and Vormav?

Malak:  Nope.

Rafa:  Oh!  There he is!

(Rad comes in wearing his mediator tuxedo)

Rad:  HEYA Celia!

(Celia glares at Rad)

Rad:  Oops!

(Rad runs outside and re enters)

Rad:  Ah, hello, Celia my dear.  You are looking beautiful tonight, just like you always do.

Rafa:  Gag me with a spoon and some junk.

(Rad kneels down and hands Celia the Zodiac stone.  Celia stares at it, surprised)

Rad:  Gulp.  Celia, I have something to tell you.  I've never felt this way about a woman before.  I really really like you.  No wait, I love you dearly.  Celia, would you...

Malak:  GET HIM!!!

(A bunch of generic ninjas jump out and attack Rad)

Rafa:  ......

Malak:  What?  I figured that was a good time to attack.

Rafa:  Sigh.  Idiot.

Rad:  What the hell?

(Celia pokes one of the ninjas with her stop stitch move and he dies.)

Rad:  I'll protect you, Celia!

(Rad smacks a ninja with his puny sword.)

Generic Ninja:  HEEEIYAH!

(Ninja smacks Rad with two swords attack and kills him)

(Celia kills that ninja with her own two sword attack)

Rad:  ACK!!!  HELP!!!

Malak:  Damn!  You guys all suck!

(Celia smacks Malak down)

Rafa:  SHIT!!!  Retreat!

(Rafa grabs Malak and runs away)

(Celia uses a phoenix down on Rad)

Rad:  Hey, Celia, thanks.  What was that all about?  Well, I'm glad that's over.

(Gafgarion bursts in and slams Celia down to the ground)

Rad:  WHAT?

Gafgarion:  You idiot!  Why do I always have to go out of my way to save your lousy butt!?

(Gafgarion grabs Rad and drags him away)

Rad:  NOOOOOOOO!!!!  CELIA!!!!!!!!

(Rad reaches out to Celia, who, on the floor, stares at him as he gets dragged away forever.....)
 
 
 

The Rat's Den.

Rat:  Squeek!

Agrias:  OUT!!!

(Agrias smacks the rat with a broom)

Agrias:  $@#*&()&%.....

(Rad is crying)

Rad:  Waaaah.... Celia......  WHY?

Gafgarion:  Oh shut up.

Rad:  You don't understand.  She meant everything to me.  And now... she's gone!  Gone forever!!!!  CELIAAAAA!!!

(Rad dreams of the beautiful lovely Celia)

Alicia:  Um, Rad?

Rad:  *sniff*   What?

Alicia:  Celia is an ultima demon.

(Rad's vision of the lovely Celia mutates into a big ugly hideous Ultima Demon)

Rad:  ACK!
 
 
 

(Marquis Elmdor's house)

Lede:  Hey, Celia.

(Celia walks in and sits down)

Celia:  Hey Lede.

(Celia and Lede transform into their Ultima demon forms)

Lede (in grungy Ultima Demon voice):  How was it?

Celia (in grungy Ultima Demon voice):  Fine.

Lede:  Did you eat him?

Celia:  Stop that!

Lede:  Seriously.

Celia:  No.  Actually, I kind of liked him.  He was really nice and all.

Lede:  Whatever!  I bet you just wanted to eat him.

Celia:  I really didn't.  Too bad things didn't work out.

Lede:  You wanted to eat him.

Celia:  Look at this.

Lede:  Whoa!  A zodiac stone!  Halgamesh will be pleased... hey, that's the stone of our master, the angel of death!

Celia:  Yeah.

Lede:  That's great!  And we know who would be perfect for it!

Celia:  But why would Elmdor fall for it?  He's too goody goody.

Lede:  Don't worry.  I have a plan.
 
 

(Door to Limburry Castle)

Elmdor:  Ah, nothing like coming home to two beautiful ladies after a day of war... er, work.

(Elmdor enters his castle and glares at the two hideous Ultima Demons sitting at the table)

(Celia and Lede glare back)

Celia:  .....

(Celia and Lede quickly reform back into their human forms)

Elmdor:  Whoah!  I must be seeing things.  I could've sworn you two were two hideous OOGLY ultima demons.

Lede:  .....

Celia:  Hey, Boss, we have a gift for you.

(Celia hands Elmdor the stone)

Lede:  And one from me!  Wear it around your heart for good luck!

(Lede hands Elmdor a strange pin)

Elmdor:  Wow!  Thanks!

(Elmdor leaves)

Celia:  What did you just give him?

Lede:  Arrow magnet:)
 
 

(Moonlit hill)

Rad:  Hey Celia.

Celia:  Hey, Rad.

Rad:  So, what now?

(Rad and Celia sit down)

Celia:  .......

Rad:  I've been thinking.  What if I ever went on a quest for good, and you were on the side of bad, and since good always wins, you would get killed or something.

Celia:  .......

Rad:  That be bad, wouldn't it?  Of course, hopefully my love wasn't true love but just love for your beauty or something.  I find that feeling is gone now that I know that.... yucky.

Celia:  .......

Rad:  Then again, maybe not.  You ARE a female Ultima Demon, right? Give me that, at least.  Sigh.  Hopefully Ramza will forget about this.  Farewell, Celia.

(Rad leaves)

Lede:  EAT HIM.

Celia:  Shut up.
 
 

The End