Prince Barinten: Oooooh.... the stone is so shiny!
(Prince Barinten waves his shiny zodiac stone around)
(Malak walks into the empty dining hall)
Malak: Father?
Barinten: I have a job for you. And don't call me that, you stupid boy.
Malak: ......... What is it?
Barinten: (Idiot, do you want him to get suspicious like his dumb sister did?) Oops. Forget that stupid boy remark.
Malak: Um..... oook.
Barinten: Now, anyway, I've heard reports of another zodiac stone being cited. AND I MUST HAVE IT. Go get it for me, ok?
Malak: Yes, sir!
(Dusty warehouse)
Malak disquised as a frog: Rafa!
Rafa: EEEEEEK!!!! HIDEOUS SLIMY FROG!
(Rafa pounds the frog and splatters it all over the warehouse)
Malak: ACK!
Rafa: Oops! Brother? Malak? Is that you?
Malak: Ein Schmit!
Rafa: Sorry. Why do you always do that to me?
(Malak reverts to human form)
Malak: Ahem. Father wants us to get him another zodiac stone.
Rafa: Well, too bad. He's not our father, Malak!
Malak: YES HE IS! Due to my stupid stubborn nature, I must insist that he is! Well, not biologically, of course, but he took us in when our parents were killed!
Rafa: That's because he wants our truth abilities! He IS the one who killed our parents!
Malak: No he isn't! Your argument doesn't hold up.
Rafa: Why not?
Malak: Why would father want our truth abilities? They REALLY suck hosewater.
Rafa: Hmm..... good point. Okey dokey! Let's get that stone.
Malak: Now you're talking!
The rat's den. Also known as the house of the great Holy Knight, Agrias.
Lavian: AGRIAS!!!! Alicia's being a real prick again and won't get off the Sony playstation and let me have a turn!
Agrias: ........ When did I get a Sony Playstation? Given my paycheck, I can't even afford a lowly Nintendo Entertainment System....
Lavian: OOPS! Did I say we had a Sony Playstation? Um... I was just joking!
(Agrias walks up to Alicia and grabs the Sony Playstaion that they were hiding from Agrias)
Agrias: Hmm. Wait a minute!
(Agrias grabs the TV that they were hiding from her too.)
Alicia: Nice job, moron.
Lavian: Ulp...
Agrias: (Cool. Playstation. Maybe I can buy FF8 if I save up for a year or two.)
(Gafgarion burst into the door)
Gafgarion: Hiya!
Agrias: Uh oh...
Gafgarion: The magistrate has another job for us! Oh boy!
Agrias: What is it this time?
Gafgarion: They want us to get them a zodiac stone or something like that!
(Ramza and Rad come in, talking to each other)
Rad: She's really nice! You should meet her! And I think she really likes me.
Ramza: Seriously?
Rad: Yeah! Celia is great. She's beautiful, nice, and heck, she can even fight well!
Alicia: Celia.... where did I hear that name before?
Gafgarion: But first....
(Gafgarion puts out his hand to Agrias)
Agrias: Huh? What do you want? A hearty handshake?
Gafgarion: No, I want my pay, you idiot.
Agrias: WHAT?
Gafgarion: Funeral told me that you were going to give you my pay.
Agrias: $&#@()$&....
(Agrias takes out her wallet, only to find it empty)
Agrias: Huh? Where did my gil go?
(Lavian looks at the Sony Playstation and whistles)
Gafgarion: NO PAY? This is an outrage! Come on, guys, we're leaving!
Agrias: Wait!
(Gafgarion grabs Rad and Ramza by the ears and leaves)
Rad/Ramza: OW!
Agrias: .......
Alicia: NOW I remember!
Agrias: What?
Alicia: Celia is an evil ultima demon who likes to assassinate... or even EAT humans!
Agrias: So?
Lavian: Omigawd! We have to save Rad.
Agrias: We do?
Alicia: Yeah! Let's go.
Agrias: HUH?
(Convenience store)
Gafgarion: This place seems familiar. Wasn't this the store mentioned in our mission briefing? Like... I think this was where we were supposed to pick up the Zodiac stone. Nah.
Rad: I want to buy something for her. Something to show her how I feel about her.
Ramza: How about that shiny rock that looks like a zodiac stone?
Rad: Good idea! How much is it?
Shopkeeper who secretly works for Barinten: How much? (Gee, is this the guy Barinten sent over to pick up the stones?)
(Shopkeeper looks at Rad)
Shopkeeper: (He was supposed to send over some guys... who, despite being his elite secret force, really sucked hosewater...)
(Shopkeeper looks at Rad again)
Shopkeeper: Well, he's a squire. How much more can you suck than that?
(Shopkeeper hands Rad the stone)
Rad: For free? Cool!
Ramza: Huh?
(Little does the shopkeeper know that even a lowly squire is a better fighter than Malak.:) )
Gafgarion: Whatever. Let's go.
Rad: Hey, I'm going out to dinner with her tonight! I'll give her the jewel, then!
Ramza: (Gee, now that I think about it, I don't have a girlfriend. Hmm....)
(Gaff, Rad, and Ramza leave as Malak and Rafa come in)
Malak: We're hear to pick up Barinten's stone.
Shopkeeper: Eh?
(Outside the shop, Ramza hears a scream)
Malak: YOU LOST THE STONE!!!!???
Shopkeeper: I'm sorry!!! Please don't kill me!
Malak: DIE!!!!
(Huge thunderblast)
(Silence)
Ramza: ??
Shopkeeper: Ouch. Gee, that thunder blast didn't hurt much at all. You REALLY DO suck hosewater!
Malak: WHAT?
Rafa: Leave it, Malak. Let's just get the stone.
(Rad puts on his tie and looks in the mirror)
Rad: Yeah! I look great!
(Ramza walks in)
Ramza: ACK! Rad, what the hell?
Rad: How do you like the way I look?
Ramza: But... A MEDIATOR? That's the damn lowliest job you can have besides.... a squire!
Rad: I thought that mediators looked the most formal, so I decided to dress like one for this occasion.
Gafgarion: Mediators are actually really annoying. Always sniping your ass with those damn guns...
(Rad and Ramza stare at Gafgarion)
Gafgarion: Well, it's true!
Rad: Well, I'm off! Maybe I'll even propose marriage to her!
Ramza: That'll be the day.
(Rad leaves)
(Alicia bursts into the room)
Alicia: RAD!!! STOP!
Ramza: Too late. He left.
Lavian: Oh no! We have to find him!
Agrias: (no we dont.)
(Cid's Chocobop Restaurant)
Rafa: I heard that the man who took the stone was coming here.
Malak: *goggles at pretty girl*
Rafa: Stop that, you idiot!
(Rafa slaps Malak)
Malak: Ouch! Since when did you become a psycho feminist?
Rafa: It's not that. That's Celia! She's not human.
Malak: You sure?
Rafa: Yes. Didn't you pay attention when Barinten was talking
to Wiegraff and Vormav?
Malak: Nope.
Rafa: Oh! There he is!
(Rad comes in wearing his mediator tuxedo)
Rad: HEYA Celia!
(Celia glares at Rad)
Rad: Oops!
(Rad runs outside and re enters)
Rad: Ah, hello, Celia my dear. You are looking beautiful tonight,
just like you always do.
Rafa: Gag me with a spoon and some junk.
(Rad kneels down and hands Celia the Zodiac stone. Celia stares at it, surprised)
Rad: Gulp. Celia, I have something to tell you. I've never felt this way about a woman before. I really really like you. No wait, I love you dearly. Celia, would you...
Malak: GET HIM!!!
(A bunch of generic ninjas jump out and attack Rad)
Rafa: ......
Malak: What? I figured that was a good time to attack.
Rafa: Sigh. Idiot.
Rad: What the hell?
(Celia pokes one of the ninjas with her stop stitch move and he dies.)
Rad: I'll protect you, Celia!
(Rad smacks a ninja with his puny sword.)
Generic Ninja: HEEEIYAH!
(Ninja smacks Rad with two swords attack and kills him)
(Celia kills that ninja with her own two sword attack)
Rad: ACK!!! HELP!!!
Malak: Damn! You guys all suck!
(Celia smacks Malak down)
Rafa: SHIT!!! Retreat!
(Rafa grabs Malak and runs away)
(Celia uses a phoenix down on Rad)
Rad: Hey, Celia, thanks. What was that all about? Well,
I'm glad that's over.
(Gafgarion bursts in and slams Celia down to the ground)
Rad: WHAT?
Gafgarion: You idiot! Why do I always have to go out of my
way to save your lousy butt!?
(Gafgarion grabs Rad and drags him away)
Rad: NOOOOOOOO!!!! CELIA!!!!!!!!
(Rad reaches out to Celia, who, on the floor, stares at him as he gets
dragged away forever.....)
The Rat's Den.
Rat: Squeek!
Agrias: OUT!!!
(Agrias smacks the rat with a broom)
Agrias: $@#*&()&%.....
(Rad is crying)
Rad: Waaaah.... Celia...... WHY?
Gafgarion: Oh shut up.
Rad: You don't understand. She meant everything to me. And now... she's gone! Gone forever!!!! CELIAAAAA!!!
(Rad dreams of the beautiful lovely Celia)
Alicia: Um, Rad?
Rad: *sniff* What?
Alicia: Celia is an ultima demon.
(Rad's vision of the lovely Celia mutates into a big ugly hideous Ultima
Demon)
Rad: ACK!
(Marquis Elmdor's house)
Lede: Hey, Celia.
(Celia walks in and sits down)
Celia: Hey Lede.
(Celia and Lede transform into their Ultima demon forms)
Lede (in grungy Ultima Demon voice): How was it?
Celia (in grungy Ultima Demon voice): Fine.
Lede: Did you eat him?
Celia: Stop that!
Lede: Seriously.
Celia: No. Actually, I kind of liked him. He was really
nice and all.
Lede: Whatever! I bet you just wanted to eat him.
Celia: I really didn't. Too bad things didn't work out.
Lede: You wanted to eat him.
Celia: Look at this.
Lede: Whoa! A zodiac stone! Halgamesh will be pleased...
hey, that's the stone of our master, the angel of death!
Celia: Yeah.
Lede: That's great! And we know who would be perfect for
it!
Celia: But why would Elmdor fall for it? He's too goody goody.
Lede: Don't worry. I have a plan.
(Door to Limburry Castle)
Elmdor: Ah, nothing like coming home to two beautiful ladies after
a day of war... er, work.
(Elmdor enters his castle and glares at the two hideous Ultima Demons
sitting at the table)
(Celia and Lede glare back)
Celia: .....
(Celia and Lede quickly reform back into their human forms)
Elmdor: Whoah! I must be seeing things. I could've sworn
you two were two hideous OOGLY ultima demons.
Lede: .....
Celia: Hey, Boss, we have a gift for you.
(Celia hands Elmdor the stone)
Lede: And one from me! Wear it around your heart for good luck!
(Lede hands Elmdor a strange pin)
Elmdor: Wow! Thanks!
(Elmdor leaves)
Celia: What did you just give him?
Lede: Arrow magnet:)
(Moonlit hill)
Rad: Hey Celia.
Celia: Hey, Rad.
Rad: So, what now?
(Rad and Celia sit down)
Celia: .......
Rad: I've been thinking. What if I ever went on a quest
for good, and you were on the side of bad, and since good always wins,
you would get killed or something.
Celia: .......
Rad: That be bad, wouldn't it? Of course, hopefully my love wasn't true love but just love for your beauty or something. I find that feeling is gone now that I know that.... yucky.
Celia: .......
Rad: Then again, maybe not. You ARE a female Ultima Demon, right? Give me that, at least. Sigh. Hopefully Ramza will forget about this. Farewell, Celia.
(Rad leaves)
Lede: EAT HIM.
Celia: Shut up.