The Main Panic Creator and The Sub-servant
By some fourheaded thing (Tiamat)
(Agrias, Lavian, Alicia, and Ovelia enter the queen's court)
Agrias: My queen? What seems to be the problem?
Ruvelia: Agrias, you've been doing a horrid job with defending my daughter. We can no longer
tolerate your incompetance!
(A bunch of thieves surround Ovelia)
Thief: Why, hello, little girl!
Agrias: I've been doing a horrid job? She's still here, isn't she?
(Lavian kills all the thieves)
Ruvelia: Yes, but she is constantly afraid for her life! We're relieving you of your services!
Ovelia: Oh! What a pretty flower.
(Ovelia kneels down to pick up a flower and two ninjas fly over her head and slam into
each other)
Agrias: You can't relieve me just like that! My family has been working for the royal family
for generations! That and I have really cool sword skills.
Ruvelia: ARE YOU DISAGREEING WITH ME?
(Alicia chops an assassin who was hidden behind Ovelia and about to strike)
Agrias: Um... no, of course not. It's just that I think you're wrong and all that jazz.
Ruvelia: Then I'm sure you won't object to you being relieved. You're dismissed!
Agrias: But.... but... but the sword skills!
(A bunch of big burly bouncers grab Agrias and throw her out. They then grab Lavian, Alicia,
and Ovelia and throw them out too)
Ruvelia: Hmph. Now I have to find someone who sucks so that Ovelia can finally get killed and
my son can take the throne, then I'll have all the power. DELITA!!!
(Delita and Balmafula run into the room and kneel down)
Delita: Yes, my queen?
Ruvelia: I want you to make sure my "daughter" is provided with inadequate protection.
Delita: Yes, my queen.
(Delita gets up and walks away. Balmafula follows him)
Ruvelia: Oh, and Delita...
Delita: Yes, my queen?
Ruvelia: You have twenty-four hours.....
Delita: (EEP!) Yes, my queen!
(A different room)
Delita: What a bitch.
Balmafula: Are you sure you know what you're doing?
Delita: Of course. Now help me find an incompetant knight to protect the princess before
the queen gets my head chopped off!
Balmafula: It shouldn't be too hard. I'll just look it up on the Ethernet.
Delita: Ethernet?
Balmafula: Here, let me get out my commcrystal.
(Balmafula takes out a crystal ball and a quijiboard)
Balmafula: I just have to log on and connect to the Ethernet, then we're all set.
(The commcrystal glows)
Commcrystal: Welcome! You have mail!
Balmafula: Oh? Let me check this.
(Balmafula types some stuff in on her quijiboard)
Commcrystal: Recieving one out of one messages.
Voice from Commcrystal: Hey there, -=S3xYSoRc3r3sS=-! How are things going? It's me,
W0nDerWiZ@rdF0rW0meN! Anyway, wanna get together for a game of CharCraft soon?
Delita: SexySorceress? WonderWizardForWomen?
Balmafula: Um.... you should ignore that.
(An Almighty Instant Messenger window opens up on the Commcrystal)
W0nDerWiZ@rdF0rW0meN!: S3xYSoRc3r3sS!!!!!!!!! SUP?
-=S3xYSoRc3r3sS=-: Not now! I'm busy!
W0nDerWiZ@rdF0rW0meN!: I really liked that pic of you that you sent me, so I decided to
send you one of mine!
Commcrystal: Downloading jpg file
(A picture of Cloud Strife without a shirt is displayed on the Commcrystal. It
has the caption, "W0nDerWiZ@rdF0rW0meN")
Balmafula: WHOA!!!
W0nDerWiZ@rdF0rW0meN!: Do you like it?
-=S3xYSoRc3r3sS=-: I'm... I'm.... I'm very impressed!
W0nDerWiZ@rdF0rW0meN!: By the way, I think you really ARE a sexy sorceress.
-=S3xYSoRc3r3sS=-: Well I...
(Balmafula looks at Delita, who looks quite disgusted)
Balmafula: AAAAAH!!!
-=S3xYSoRc3r3sS=-: DAMMIT!!! I TOLD YOU MY PARTNER WAS WATCHING!!
W0nDerWiZ@rdF0rW0meN!: Oh yea!!! OH SHIT!!!! Um, bye!
(Balmafula quickly closes the AIM window)
Delita: CAN WE GET BACK TO WORK NOW?!?
Balmafula: Yes, of course!
(Balmafula types some more stuff using her quijiboard)
Balmafula: Okay, I think I found the perfect man. It says he was booted out of the Lionel
Knights by a High Priest himself for being a moron!
(Screen fades out)
(It's raining outside)
Lavian (soaking wet): AAAAAH!!!! That bouncer sexually harassed me!
Alicia: We'll sue his pants off!
Agrias: .......
Alicia: WAAAAAAH!!! Now we're left out in the rain!
Agrias: Oh shut up! We have to get home so I can figure out what to do about this.
(Agrias, Lavian, Alicia, and Ovelia head for the rat's den)
(Agrias tries to unlock the door)
Agrias: Huh? My house keys won't work.
Knight: I'm sorry, ladies. But this house is off limits.
Agrias: Why?
Knight: This is the barracks for the holy knights. And since there currently are no holy
knights, the barracks are off limits. That and the fact that the building was so cheap that
it dissolved in the rain. Oh well.
(Agrias suddenly realizes there is nothing behind the door she was trying to unlock)
Lavian: Omigod! I hope our pet rat, Stinky, is okay.
Alicia: Oh, there he is.
(A bunch of rats scurry past Agrias)
Agrias: Oh gee, how can you tell?
(A rat sticks his head out of Agrias's hair)
Stinky: SQUEEK!
Agrias: Hey!
Lavian: He likes you!
Alicia: Either that or he likes using your hair as a litter box for rats...
Agrias: DAMMIT!!!
(Agrias flings Stinky at the knight)
Agrias: Come on, let's go.
(Agrias bumps into Gafgaron)
Gafgaron: Well well, if it isn't the hagsbeen, Agrias Oaks.
Agrias: Hagsbeen?
Rad: Hehe, Gafgaron called Agrias a hagsbeen. Gafgaron's cool.
Ramza: Er, yea, whatever.
Gafgaron: We'll be taking Ovelia from here. You're not worthy of being in the presence of the
princess!
(Gafgaron yanks Ovelia by the arm)
Ovelia: Ow ow!
Gafgaron: We're being paid big money to help escort the princess back to Orbonne! Rad, Ramza,
let's go!
Agrias: What? You're not a knight! You can't guard the princess!
Gafgaron: No, but I can help HIM guard the princess.
(Beowulf walks up to Agrias)
Agrias: Beowulf?
Gafgaron: BEOWULF?!? WHERE?
(Gafgaron, Rad, and Ramza quickly draw their swords)
Agrias: He's right in front of me.
Gafgaron: HIM?
(Gafgaron, Rad, and Ramza put their swords back)
Gafgaron: That's just Floogleschmoozit, you stupid hagsbeen. He's a knight appointed by Queen
Ruvelia to protect the princess in your place.
Agrias: But... he looks just like Beowulf...
Beowulf: Actually, I'm a palette swap of Beowulf. That's why we look so similar.
Agrias: Oh...
Beowulf: This is my squire, Sier.
Reis: Roar.
Alicia: Looks like a dragon with squire clothes on it to me...
Beowulf: Oh that? That's just because Sier is overweight. She just eats too much.
(Reis eats Ovelia)
Beowulf: See what I mean?
Gafgaron: Well, we'll be taking the princess and heading to Orbonne now. So long, losers!
(Gafgaron, Rad, Ramza, Beowulf, and Reis leave)
Agrias: .......This sucks.
Goltana's castle
Olan: So that's the news. The princess has little profesional protection right now.
She's defenseless.
Elmdor: So this could be our chance?
Goltana: We can't pass this up. This would be the perfect time to take the princess into the
safety of our custody.
Olan: But we can't just blatantly attack her escort.
Goltana: Don't worry, I have a plan. Delita!
(Everyone looks around)
Goltana: AHEM, I SAID, DELITA!!!
(Delita runs into the room, huffing and puffing. Balmafula quickly comes in after him)
Delita: *gasp!* Yes, my liege?
Goltana: Where were you? What took so long?
Delita: Sorry, I had to... um... lie to Ruvelia about some things for your betterment!
Goltana: Oh. Well that's good to hear. Anyway, I have a job for you. I want you to convince
Princess Ovelia to come here. And make sure you don't wear your Nanten colors when you do it!
Delita: Yes, my liege!
(Delita starts to leave)
Goltana: Oh, and Delita!
Delita: Yes, my liege?
Goltana: You have twenty-four hours....
Delita: .........
(Ramza pulls Rad out of Reis' mouth)
Gafgaron: OKAY, Floogleschmoozit! That's it!!! If your stupid squire eats MY stupid squire
ONE LAST TIME I'll...
Beowulf: Whoa, you need to calm down! She wasn't trying to eat him, she was merely trying
to TASTE him!
Gafgaron: TASTE HIM?
Beowulf: Yes! Where we come from it's... um... part of our culture to taste people before
we get to know them.
(Beowulf bites Gafgaron's arm)
Gafgaron: OWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT FOR?!?
Beowulf: And if someone keeps bugging us about our culture, we taste them some more! So...
(Beowulf glares at Gafgaron)
Beowulf: Do you have any other questions?
Gafgaron: Um......... no.
Beowulf: Good.
Gafgaron: Excuse me while I step over there for a moment.
(Gafgaron walks up to Rad and Ramza)
Gafgaron: We have to find a way to get rid of psycho freak over here!
Rad: Yea, but what can we do?
Ramza: I mean, the queen hired him to protect the princess, didn't she? We're just here to
help.
Rad: Yea, the only way that he'd go away is if he were fired.
Ramza: And for him to be fired, he'd have to do a bad job of protecting the princess.
Gafgaron: That's it! We'll kill Princess Ovelia! Then Floogleschmoozit will be fired and
out of our hair! And I'll also have fulfilled Dycedarg's evil contract at the same time! So
we'll kill two birds with one stone!
Rad: Genius!
Ramza: Wait... run that by me again?
Gafgaron: Basically we kill two birds with one stone.
Rad: Genius!
Ramza: Oh... yea, I guess that's a good idea, isn't it? But I really don't like the idea
of killing birds, unless they're wild chocobos. Then they're open game, of course.
(While Gafgaron is talking with his flunkies, Delita is talking to Beowulf)
Delita: Hi there, Floogleschmoozit! I'm Delita, the guy who got you the job!
Beowulf: Oh, hey there!
Delita: I was wondering, can I borrow Princess Ovelia?
Beowulf: Afraid I can't do that, gentleman. You see, the princess is under my custody.
Delita: Aw come on! We're buddies!!
Beowulf: Well.... okay.
(Reis spits out Ovelia and Delita takes her)
Delita (mounting his chocobo): Thanks!
Beowulf: Sure.
(Gafgaron walks up to Beowulf)
Gafgaron: ALL RIGHT, Floogleschmoozit! Tell us where the princess is so we can kill her!
Ramza: Kill the princess? I thought we were going to kill birds! With stones!
Rad: There's a bird! Kill it!
Ramza: Right!
(Ramza and Rad throw stones at Delita's chocobo and kill it)
Boco: WAAAAARK!!!
Ramza: Gee, that took a LOT more than one stone...
Rad: And we only killed one bird, not two. What gives?
Delita: DAMMIT! YOU KILLED MY FUDGING BIRD!
(Delita grabs Ovelia and runs away)
Gafgaron: Ooooookay, that was strange. Now anyway, Floogleschmoozit, hand the princess over!
Beowulf: Afraid I can't do that, gentlemen. You see, the princess is under my custody.
(A picture of Tifa Lockehart in a bikini is being displayed on the commcrystal. It
has the caption, "-=S3xYSoRc3r3sS=-")
W0nDerWiZ@rdF0rW0meN!: I'm sorry about what happened earlier that day.
-=S3xYSoRc3r3sS=-: That's okay. My stupid partner doesn't understand the ethernet, anyway.
He thinks it's just a fad or something.
W0nDerWiZ@rdF0rW0meN!: Shows what he knows.
-=S3xYSoRc3r3sS=-: Wanna join with me on a fragfest in Magic: The Ethernet Gathering?
W0nDerWiZ@rdF0rW0meN!: Sure!
Rofel: KLETIAN!!! Stop downloading pornography off the ethernet and get over here!
W0nDerWiZ@rdF0rW0meN!: Crap! My partner's calling me. Sorry, gotta go! *kisses*
-=S3xYSoRc3r3sS=-: *blows kisses*
(Kletian turns off the Commcrystal)
Kletian: Coming!
(Kletian runs up to the meeting table where Vormav, Meliadoul, Rofel, and Balk are)
Vormav: So everyone is here?
Meliadoul: Izlude isn't.
(Everyone looks at each other and then laugh)
Vormav: Seriously, everyone who is important is here, right?
Rofel: Yes.
Vormav: Okay, people. It's that time again!
Meliadoul: Time to condemn that guy who annoyed us to hell?
Balk: Time to tax peasants and tell them that we're not taxing them but just taking donations?
Rofel: Time to assassinate aristocrats and declare them to be heretics?
Vormav: NO! It's time to.... well gee, actually those are all good ideas. But right now,
we have to concentrate on procurring the princess for our own power.
Kletian: That's a good idea, but how do we do it without arousing suspicion?
Vormav: Don't worry, I have someone who infiltrated Goltana's army who'll do the trick.
Kletian: Oh no, not....
Vormav: Delita!
(Everyone looks around)
Vormav: AHEM, I SAID DELITA!!!
(Crickets chirp)
Vormav: DELITA YOU SON OF A B$&#*@) GET OVER HERE BEFORE I CONDEMN YOU AS A HERETIC!!!
(Delita bursts through the wall. Balmafula and Ovelia follow him. Delita dies from exhaustion)
Delita: DEAR GOD! I don't know how much more running across the continent I can take!
Kletian: Damn. It's Delita. And his stupid wench, Balmafula.
Balmafula: Oh joy. If it isn't Kletian, Rofel's boy toy.
Delita and Rofel: HEY!!!!
Vormav: All right, that's enough! We'll have none of that childish argueing in here!
(Izlude runs in)
Izlude: Hey, why didn't anyone tell me there was a meeting going on?
Vormav: Because you're a stupid little turd!
(Vormav boots Izlude out of the room)
(Vormav looks at Rofel)
Rofel: What?
Vormav: Your.... boy toy? Oh nevermind! I don't want to think about it!
Balmafula: Hahaha....
Kletian: Damn you...
Vormav: Anyway, Delita, we want you to bring us Princess Ovelia!
Delita: The real one or the fake one?
Vormav: Um.... the real one, I guess. What's the difference?
Delita: I don't know. Which one's the fake one?
Ovelia: There's a fake me?
Kletian: Was she the fake one?
Rofel: No no no, she's the real one. It's just that Vormav wants to spread a rumour that she's
the fake one, right?
Vormav: ACK! Quiet, you two. She's the fake one!
Ovelia: OMIGOD! I'm a FAKE?
Delita: So I have the wrong one? You wanted the real one. Guess I'll have to set her free.
Balk: But isn't she the one he wants?
Rofel: Yea, because she's the real princess.
Kletian: But Vormav said she was the fake princess.
Rofel: You idiot! She's the real princess. Vormav just wants her to think she's fake.
Ovelia: So I'm NOT a fake, right? I'm the real thing, right?
Vormav: Heavens no! You're an imposter.
Ovelia: I am?
Delita: So do I leave her here or not? Dammit, I have to get going soon! Goltana wants me
to deliver the princess to him within twenty-four hours!
Balmafula: Um, Delita? It's been two days since he told you that.
Delita: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!
(Delita grabs Ovelia, jumps on his chocobo, and rides away with her. Balmafula follows him)
Vormav: HEY! Come back here with the princess!
Kletian: So she IS the princess?
Rofel: NO! Vormav just wants you to think she's real!
Kletian: Oh...
Vormav: Don't just stand there! Go get Ovelia!
Kletian: The real Ovelia or the fake one?
Vormav: ARGH!
(Delita is riding on his chocobo holding onto the princess)
Balmafula (Running alongside Delita): Why don't I ever get to ride on the chocobo?
Delita: Because he's MY chocobo.
Rad: THERE HE IS! THE OTHER BIRD!!!
Ramza: KILL IT!
(Rad and Ramza kill Delita's second chocobo)
Delita: DAMMIT!!! STOP KILLING MY $#&@()ING BIRDS!!!!
(Delita runs off with the princess)
(Gafgaron runs up to Rad and Ramza)
Gafgaron: Well? Did you find the princess?
Rad: No, but we found the other bird!
Boco (beat up and on the floor): OIYO! I gotta get a new job....
Gafgaron: Damn!
Beowulf: Calm down, old chap. It's not the end of the world.
Ramza: Don't worry. I have a plan! Delita!
(Everyone looks around)
Ramza: AHEM, I SAID DELITA!!!
(Crickets chirp)
Ramza: DELITA YOU SON OF A B$&#*@) GET OVER HERE BEFORE I CONDEMN YOU AS A HERETIC!!!
(Everyone starts tapping their foot)
Ramza: DAMN YOU DELITA I NUKE YOU!
(Delita runs up to Ramza with Ovelia, gasping for breath)
Delita: WHAT DO YOU WANT?!?!?
Ramza: Nothing. Just wanted to see if that would work:)
Delita: DAMMIT!
(Delita runs off)
Ramza: Golly, that's the strangest thing that ever happened to me in my life. Coulda sworn
Delita was dead or something.
Gafgaron: Wait a minute! He has the princess! After him!
(Delita slams into Reis)
Beowulf: Hello, my good man! I was wondering if you were done with the princess. I need
her back because it would appear that Gafgaron needs to use her, now.
Delita: NO! I'm not done abusing her for my own power!
Ovelia: Am I the only one who's noticing all the dirty connotations in this?
(Delita shoves Reis aside and runs past her)
Beowulf: Did you see that, Seir? How rude of him to shove a lady like that! I have to teach
him a lesson!
Reis: Roar!
Delita: Great, now everyone's after me!
Balmafula: Where are we going with the princess, anyway? Goltana will behead you since you're
late, remember?
(Delita stops right in front of Goltana's castle)
Delita: ..... Dammit!
Orlandu: There he is! Kill the traitor!
Balmafula: Ha, they're calling you a traitor now.
Delita: Um... er... Orlandu is the true traitor! He's been plotting with the church to kill
Goltana!
Orlandu: Huh?
Elmdor: WHAT?
Goltana: KILL ORLANDU!
Orlandu: Oh shit.
(While the entire army of Nanten chases Orlandu around, Delita is approached by Vormav, Gafgaron,
Larry Boy, and their respective flunkies)
Rad: Is it me or does every adventure we have always loop around?
Delita: So.... ah.... you're here for the princess, right?
Everyone: YEA!
Delita: Well, you see, this one's a fake. The real Ovelia... um, Orlandu has the real Ovelia!
(Delita runs away with Ovelia while everyone else also starts chasing Orlandu around)
Balmafula: How much longer do you think you can scapegoat Orlandu?
Delita: Dunno.
Balmafula: So now what are you going to do?
Delita: Well there is one person who still wants the princess that doesn't want to behead me.
Balmafula: Oh great.
Delita: Better start heading to the capital.
(A pissed off Orlandu stomps up to Delita)
Delita: Whoa! Where did everyone else go?
Orlandu: I killed them all. And you're next.
Delita: SUCKS this does.
Olan: Hey father, you wouldn't have believed the massacre that happened back there. Some guy
went and killed the entire Nanten army as well as several prominent people. Good thing I
arrived in time to get some phoenix downs to everyone before their souls crystallized.
Orlandu: What?
Goltana: GET HIM!!!
(Everyone chases after Orlandu again)
Balmafula: I wonder if they realize that he'll just kill them all over again.
Delita: Queen Ruvelia! I have brought Princess Ovelia back!
Ruvelia: You were supposed to KILL Princess Ovelia! Not bring her back safely!
(A big burly executioner swings his axe and lops off Delita's head)
Balmafula: Um.... I think we're done with the princess for now.
(Delita puts his head back on)
Delita: $@$#$@$ Yea.....
(Balmafula and Delita leave)
(Delita bumps into Beowulf)
Beowulf: NOT SO FAST, my goodman. I still have to teach you a lesson for your rudeness!
Delita: Crap...
(Beowulf slaps Delita)
Beowulf: There.
(Beowulf leaves)
Delita: Just all of them wait... I'll show them all!
Balmafula: Of course you will.
(Beowulf exits the castle. It's still raining outside)
Reis: Roar!
Beowulf: Defending the princess is a hard job, isn't it? I wonder what happened to her
original escorts...
(Beowulf and Reis walk past three bronze statues of three female knights)
Agrias: Note to self. Invest my next paycheck in rustproof armour...
Alicia: But you were fired! You don't get paid anymore.
Lavian: That and the fact that your paycheck was only a measly 50 gil a month, anyway.
Agrias: ........
The End
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