Tiamat:  Shut up, dad.  Quit living in the past.

Bahamut:  ME?  Look at who has never appeared in another Final Fantasy game!

Tiamat:  Hey!  Not true!  I appeared in Final Fantasy Adventure and the not so very well known Final Fantasy II for the Nintendo Entertainment System!

Bahamut:  Yea?  Well, at least I don't visit the Yuffie Shrine every freaking day.

Tiamat:  ........  Shaddup.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Jessie:  Hey, guys, what are you doing?

Biggs:  Look at this, Jessie, this new internet game is the greatest ever!

Jessie:  Hmm.... FFonline?  What's that stand for?

Wedge:  It stands for F$#&ing F&($ers!

Biggs:  Yeah!  Isn't that cool?

Jessie:  Um.... bye.

(Jessie leaves)
 

Biggs:  Ok, Wedge!  Put on your virtual reality cap!

Wedge:  Hooray!

(Biggs and Wedge put on their virtual reality caps)

(Lightning strikes the computer)

Biggs:  AAHHHH!!!!  What's going on?
 
 
 
 
 

Bahamut:  HA HA HA!!!  I am the greatest!  I am the god that has created the callers and summoned monsters!  I am the strongest summoning spell in the game!  I am a very cool boss too!

Tiamat:  Shaddup.
 
 
 
 

Biggs:  Ungh.  Where are we?

Wedge:  Damn, man!  You smell terrible!  Like a burnt barbeque steak.

Biggs:  Well, what do I do about it?

Wedge:  Hey, let's get out of these charbroiled clothes and put on those nice blue robes and straw hats over there.

Biggs:  Um, ok.

(Biggs and Wedge dress up like black wizards)

Wedge:  Hey, what's this?  Serpent's trench?

Biggs:  Let's try it out!

(Biggs and Wedge transport to Baron)

Biggs:  Whoa!  Hello.  Who are you?

Cecil:  Hi.  I'm Cecil.  An all around nice guy who just has to recieve all the attention and be touted as the main character.  I'm so nice that everyone loves me and sees me as a hero.

Biggs:  Oh, ok.

Wedge:  WOW!!!  Who's the pretty lady?

Cecil:  That's Rosa.  She's quite attractive and always looks to me for comfort.

Cid:  Hey, Cecil!!!  The airship is ready!

(Child Rydia and her mom walk up)

Rydia:  Wow!  Baron castle!  Cool.

Rydia's mom:  Damn stupid Mist grocery store have to run out of chocobo fruit snacks...

Biggs:  And who's th...

Bahamut:  That's Rydia.  She's special in that she's going to become the last caller alive and she will soon be orphaned and outcasted once her mom dies.

Biggs:  Oh.

Rydia's mom:  What?  I don't want to die!  How dare you!  Well, I'll go down fighting!

(Rydia's mom summons the mist dragon)

Cecil:  Watch out!  Don't attack while it's mist or it will counterattack with a powerful spell!

Wedge:  This is stupid.  All we're doing is asking people who they are.  Let's go back to that other place on the other side of the Serpent trench.

Biggs:  Yeah, whatever.
 
 
 

(Back in Mysidia)

Elder:  There you are, you idiots!  I've been looking for you!  How dare you slack off!  You're supposed to help me guard the wind crystal!

Biggs:  Eh?

Porom:  Elder, don't be so hard on them.

Elder:  Shut up, Porom!  You're just a little girl, even though quite mature, who doesn't really do anything to the plot of the story!

Porom:  .......
 

(The wind crystal)

Biggs:  Man, I want to go home.

White Wizard:  EEEK!!!  The Baronians have come to take the wind crystal.

(Cecil charges in with a bunch of soldiers)

Soldiers:  DIE!!!

Biggs and Wedge:  AAAAAAAAAAH!

(Soldiers chop Biggs and Wedge down)

(Soldiers grab Wind crystal)

(Soldiers and Cecil exit)

Elder:  .......... dagnabbit!
 
 
 
 

Bahamut:  HA HA!  I am one of the greatest!  I am the most powerful summoning spell in the game!  I am a very powerful boss!  I am a legendary creature!

Tiamat:  Shuddap.
 
 
 

Biggs:  Ouch!

Wedge:  Man, that hurt!

Butz:  Are you ok?

Lenna:  You guys look like you've been through alot.

Faris:  Yeah.

Wedge:  Owie.

Biggs:  Who are you guys?

Butz:  I'm Butz, an all around nice guy who just has to recieve a lot of attention despite not doing much and everyone loves me.

Lenna:  I'm Lenna.  I'm attractive and I often look to Butz to help me out and seldom do anything myself.

Faris:  I'm Faris.  I'm special because I'm actually royal blood but I don't know it because I was outcasted and orphaned during a tragic accident.

Butz:  We were about to recover the Wind Crystal.

Wedge:  Oh!  You mean the one that was stolen from Mysidia?

Butz:  ???

Biggs:  Never mind.

(Cockatrice like bird boss monster attacks.  You know, the first boss of FF5.  Forgot it's name)

Butz:  Stand guard!  Don't attack while it's wings are open or it will counterattack with a powerful spell!

(Huge meteor crushes Biggs and Wedge)

(Cara walks out of the meteor)

Butz:  AGH!!!  You killed those two guys.

Cara:  Oops.  Sorry.  I'm just a little girl who's somewhat mature yet quite bratty and I don't really do anything for the plot of the game.

Butz:  Oh.  Well in that case, apology accepted.

Cid:  Hey, guys!  The airship is ready!
 
 
 
 

Bahamut:  HA!!!  I'm great!  I'm a lowly magicite that's not even the strongest summoning spell but damn close to it and I'm not even a boss or have a background!  But at least you have to fight a secret boss to get me.

Tiamat:  Shaddup.
 
 
 
 

Wedge:  Ouch!  That's getting annoying.

Biggs:  Yeah, you're telling me.

Kefka:  Hey, you stupid soldiers!  Hurry up to the mission briefing!

Biggs:  Eh?

Celes:  You'll be going to Narsh soon.  Take Terra with you.

Kefka:  Terra's special because she's actually half esper but she doesn't know it and she was outcasted and orphaned due to many tragic things.  This here is Celes, a very attractive woman who's constanly under the stress of being a general in an evil empire and she will need someone who actually likes her.

Tiamat:  Locke.  That stupid lousy wussy thief who is just an all around nice guy and just has to recieve a lot of attention despite being a real weakling.  Why does everyone like him?

Kefka:  You are a two soldier suicide mission.  We might be a huge empire with thousands of soldiers, but we have decided to send only two to Narsh for some stupid reason.

Biggs:  Oh joy.

Setzer:  Hey, guys, the airship's ready!

Cid:  HEY!???  HOW DARE YOU!!!

(Cid crushes Setzer)

Setzer:  Ouch!  What the (&#) was that for?

Relm:  Hooray!!!  I'm going to paint me some magitek!

(Relm paints a picture of a magitek that zaps Wedge)

Wedge:  HEY!!!

Biggs:  Who are you?

Relm:  Excuse me.  I'm just a little girl who is quite bratty and doesn't have much relevance to the big picture.

Biggs:  Something is fishy here.
 
 
 
 

Wedge:  Well, here we are.

Narshman:  We won't let you have the espar!

(Narshman releases the welk.)

Biggs:  Oh no!  Don't attack its shell or while it's in its shell or it will counterattack with a powerful spell!

Wedge:  Something is getting very monotonous here...
 
 

Biggs:  We did it!  We reached the espar!

Tritoch:  Die!

(Tritoch fries Biggs and Wedge)

Terra:  OH MY GOD!!!  You killed Biggs and Wedge!  YOU B(#$@D!
 
 

Bahamut:  ......  Sigh.  I'm just a lowly materia picked off the floor which doesn't even compare to that lousy Knights of the Round materia.  ......

Tiamat:  :)
 
 
 

Biggs:  Damn, that's getting annoying.

Jesse:  What happened to you guys?

Wedge:  Jesse?  Woohoo!!!  We're back out of the computer world!

Jesse:  Nope, sorry.  I tried on the helmet to see what you guys were doing.

Wedge:  So we're still stuck here?!  OH NO!

Jesse:  Actually, this is kind of cool.  We're in a rebel force and we're trying to save the planet.  Sounds like fun.

Wedge:  Cool.  So who are our allies?

Jesse:  This is Cloud.  An all around likeable guy who just has to recieve all the attention.  EVERY girl loves him for some strange reason.

Wedge:  WOW!!!

Jesse:  Oh, that's Tifa.  A RIDICULOUSLY attractive to the point of making all feminists want to puke woman who looks to Cloud for comfort and support.

Biggs:  GAH GAH....

Jesse:  Surprisingly, no one seems to notice, though.

Barret:  Hey, slackers, come on!  We have to destroy the mako reactor!

(Biggs and Wedge run out and slam into Aeris)

Biggs:  Hey, who are you?

Aeris:  I'm Aeris.  I'm special because I'm actually a Cetra but I don't know it and I was outcasted and orphaned due to many tragic things.

Biggs:  Oh.
 
 

(The mako reactor)

Barret:  Watch out!  Don't attack the scorpion while it's tail is up or else it will counterattack with a powerful spell!

Cloud:  Hey, that's my line!
 
 
 

(Later)

Wedge:  Heh.  Watching that reactor explode was cool.

Biggs:  Yeah.

Jesse:  This is neat.  Why do you guys hate this game?

Reno:  DIE!!!

(Huge plate falls down and crushes Biggs, Wedge, and Jesse)

Cid:  Hey, Reno!  The airship is ready!

Tiamat:  If you think I'm going to call Yuffie a little girl who is very bratty and doesn't have any relevance to the story line, you're wrong!
 
 
 
 

Bahamut:  Ack!  I shudder to think of what Square will reduce me to when FF8 comes out.

Tiamat:  :)
 
 
 

Biggs:  Huh?

Seifer:  Quick!!!  Ready the satelite dish!

Tiamat:  Gee, I'm not sure about the roles yet, but I think Squall is the hero and Rinoa is the "look to comfort girlfriend."  Wonder what the outcast and the brat will turn out like...

(Huge monster zaps Biggs and Wedge)

Biggs and Wedge:  ACK!!!  Don't tell me.  From now on, in every Final Fantasy, we die.

Squaresoft guy:  Yep.  Good comedy relief.

Biggs:  NOOOOOOOO!!!!!
 
 
 
 

Pierre:  Guys!!!  Wake up!!!  Norstein Bekklar is pissed that you missed your work!

Biggs:  HEY!!!  It was all just a dream!!! WOOHOOO!!!

Wedge:  YAY!!!

Norstein:  A customer!  Quick!  Get to work.

(Biggs, Wedge, and Pierre run around a lot)

Norstein:  Now tell me which one is Wedge.

Chrono:  Um.... that one.
 
 
 
 
 

Yuffie:  So?

Lenore:  What if Square makes Rinoa's name Lenore?  Then what will Tiamat do with MY name?

Tiamat:  Damn crazy coincidences.  Gee, I guess I'll just do nothing about it even though it'll be strange when I play FF8.

Bahamut:  Stupid square.  I'd BETTER get a better role in FF8.

Cid:  I'd better be the one in charge of the airship, instead of some loser named Setzer!

Squall:  I'd better be the bestest all around good guy ever!

Rinoa:  I'd better be... gee, saying "more attractive than Tifa" really isn't what I'm looking for....

Tifa:  Why does everyone always talk about me like that?