(The camera scrolls into the Highwind like it does in Xenogears often.)

(Camera pans to a close shot of a greenish brown orb, then scrolls away to reveal Kafan, who's examining it)

Yuffie:  Professor Kafan?  What are you doing?

Kafan:  Ah... Miss Yuffie...

(Kafan turns her head at the greenish brown materia)

Kafan:  Richiese's materia... I'm trying to figure out how the heck she made this thing.

Yuffie:  She followed her chemistry textbook, didn't she?

Kafan:  Hmm... apparently she didn't do a good job of it.

(Yuffie picks up the greenish-brown materia)

Yuffie:  Well, I'm just glad that we managed to rescue this thing.  If it has as much materia in it as Richiese says, then that's a lot of materia it must have!

Kafan:  .....

(Richiese falls down and lands from the ceiling and snatches the greenish brown materia from Yuffie)

Richiese:  I hardly think it would be very villainous of me to let you have this, thank you!

Yuffie:  Hey!  Give that back!

(Richiese runs away with Yuffie chasing after her)

(Richiese and Yuffie slam into Tifa, knocking her down and the rebound from ramming into her sends them both flying back to Kafan)

Yuffie:  Ack!  What the hell hit me?

Tifa:  Yuffie!!!  Watch where you're going!

(Yuffie grabs the materia from the unconscious Richiese)

Yuffie:  Yoink!  Haha, it's mine, now!

Tifa:  ..... is materia all you care about?  And what kind of materia is that?  It looks like horse dung...

Yuffie:  Yea, I know it does.  And I care about a lot of things besides materia!  Like... um... Wutai and um...

(Cloud walks up to Tifa)

Cloud:  Hey, Ti...

Yuffie:  And Cloud!

(Yuffie runs up to Cloud, snatches his sword, then jumps behind Kafan and proceeds to empty all the materia from Cloud's sword)

Yuffie:  Gee, Cloud, this Ultima Weapon is in really bad shape.  Almost like someone used a throw materia with it.  You should take care of it more.

Cloud:  ....

(Cloud walks up to Yuffie)

Cloud:  Give me my materia and weapon back.

Yuffie:  Drat...

(Yuffie hands Cloud his weapon then stands up and grabs him by the arm and leans towards him)

Yuffie:  Can I keep the materia?  Pleeeeeeeease?

Tifa:  Yuffie, what are you doing?

Yuffie (looking at Tifa):  Huh?

Tifa:  Nevermind.  For a minute there I actually thought you were hitting on Cloud.  But that's silly.

(Cloud grabs his materia from Yuffie)

Cloud:  Yea.  Besides, Yuffie knows I'm married.  Er... you're still mad at me, aren't you, Tifa?

(Yuffie backs away from Cloud and sighs)

Yuffie:  Tifa, you shouldn't hold a grudge against Cloud like this.  I mean, he's a really nice guy and all.  Well, cept for the fact that he won't let me have his materia.  Bastard.  But still...

Tifa:  ....hmph.  Cloud, we need to talk.

(Tifa starts walking away)

Cloud:  Hey, talking is good!  I can talk!

(Cloud runs after Tifa)

Richiese:  Wow, I didn't realize that you were really in love!

(Richiese grabs the greenish brown materia from Yuffie)

Yuffie:  W... what?!  Shaddup!

(Yuffie grabs the greenish brown materia from Richiese)

Richiese:  I imagine you and Cloud would go well together, what with you both being heros and all.

Yuffie:  Really?  You think so?

(Richiese grabs the greenish brown materia back from Yuffie)

Richiese:  It makes me sick to think about it, I know that much.

Kafan:  Miss Yuffie, just drop it.

Richiese and Yuffie:  What?

Kafan:  It's not worth it to break your heart over something which you will never have.

(Kafan grabs the materia from Richiese)

Kafan:  Forget it and move on with your life.  You might regret it for a long time but it's really for the best.

Yuffie:  ...... Yea... I know.  But that's why I'm trying to get Tifa to realize that she needs to appreciate Cloud.  Cloud doesn't deserve to be beat around like that!

Richiese:  I... I think I'm going to throw up.

Yuffie:  Oh please, Richiese.  Someday I'm sure you'll find someone that you'd be willing to do anything for, too.

Richiese:  I highly doubt that...

Heideggar's voice over Loudspeaker:  STOP!  Land your vessel right now!  You are in Shinra territory!  I repeat, land now or we will shoot!  That's it!  MEN!  FIRE!!!

Reeve:  DAMMIT, Heideggar!  That's Reeve Enterprises!!!!  And don't fire yet, you moron!  They're landing!

Heideggar:  Hmph!
 
 

(Costa Del Sol)

Yuffie:  Um... so, Reevie, what's with all the guns?  It looks like you got every mech and soldier in the entire Reeve Enterprises here.

Reeve:  Er... actually, that's pretty much correct.  All of Shinra's armed forces are right in front of your eyes.  Wutai kinda... took over everything from here on to Wutai and the entire Midgar area's overrun by mutants now.

Cloud:  What?!?

Reeve:  Yea, it's really bad.  My last Cait Sith blew up back at the ice continent and I can't make anymore!

Tifa:  If Midgar is gone and Wutai has everything else, doesn't that make this Shinra's last stand?

Reeve:  .......

Godo:  BWA HA HA!!!  You guys are getting your asses whooped by Wutai!

Reeve:  SHUT UP!!!  I don't know why I don't just SHOOT you right here!

Godo:  Well duh!  It's because you... hmm.  Good point.

Heideggar:  Shoot him!!!!!

(A billion bullets fly by barely missing Reeve)

Reeve:  ARGH!!! YOU IDIOTS!  Not while I'm in the way!!!!!

Heideggar:  Shoot him!!!!!

(A billion more bullets fly by and Reeve and Godo dodge them all)

(Godo grabs Reeve and smacks Heideggar using him as a weapon)

Yuffie:  Hmm...this is just stupid.  So, anyone want to go get some mocha?

(Later, inside one of Costa Del Sol's fine luxery coffee dining establishments)

(Yuffie, Lenore, Irene, Nathan, and Richiese are sitting around a table waiting for their orders to arrive)

Richiese:  Haha, I know that Yuffie is in love!!!

Yuffie:  Hey!

Irene:  (Well, of course!  Yuffie has a crush on Cloud.  I like Cloud.  I wonder if he'd like me, too.)

Yuffie:  It's not a crush!

Lenore:  Of course it isn't!  It's true love.  A wonderful feeling which slowly grew as you spent time with Cloud and you both became attached to each other over time.

(Everyone looks at Lenore)

Yuffie (somewhat saddened):  Um... what she said.

Lenore:  Hmph.  Cloud and Tifa obviously aren't meant for each other.  Look at them.  They always fight each other and there obviously isn't any real love between them.

Yuffie:  Hmm...?

Richiese:  I think that Cloud only likes Tifa because she has a unique way of dressing.

Nathan:  Maybe Tifa hypnotized Cloud with those big eyes of hers.

Irene:  I think Cloud likes Tifa because she dresses like a whore and has humongous breasts.

(Everyone glares at Irene)

Irene:  Yipe!  Put that last one in parenthesis, author dragon type person.

Tiamat:  ....

Yuffie:  Please, guys, I don't want to talk about this.

Lenore:  Oh come on, Yuffie.  Cloud and Tifa's relationship of evil is about to fall apart, anyway.  I'm willing to help you.  It seems so much more right this way.  Well?

Irene:  (Yea!  Tifa shouldn't hog Cloud all to herself!)

Richiese:  I'll gladly kill Cloud.  Er, I mean, Tifa.

Nathan:  ..... Yea, of course.  I'll help out.

Yuffie:  This... this isn't right!

Lenore:  No, Yuffie, Cloud's relationship with that

Irene:  Whore?

Lenore:  Er, yea.  With that...

(Everyone looks at Irene)

Lenore:  Anyway, Cloud's relationship with HER is what's not right!

Yuffie:  I... I'm still not sure...

(Cloud walks up to the table)

Cloud:  Hey, Yuffie.

Yuffie:  Oh, hey Cloud.  Where's Tifa?

Cloud:  Er... things are getting better, I think.  I need to talk with her uncle, too.  That guy is just... ugh....

Yuffie:  Wow.  So things are really getting better then?  That's really good to hear!  Can I have your materia now?

(Yuffie gets up from her seat and puts out her hand)

Cloud:  Er... no.

Yuffie:  ........so I get nothing?

(Cloud shakes Yuffie's hand)

Cloud:  Yuffie, thanks for helping me.  I really appreciate it.

Yuffie:  ......

(Yuffie hugs Cloud)

Yuffie:  Yea, you're welcome, spike-head.

(Yuffie backs away from Cloud then he runs off)

(Yuffie slowly sits down while blushing)

Lenore:  Hooboy, we're running out of time.  They're getting back together already.

Nathan:  Well, he still has to get through Tifa's uncle.  That guy like... has a grudge against Cloud for no good reason, it seems.

Lenore:  Right.  So, does anyone have any ideas?  First thing we know is that Tifa doesn't like how Cloud...

Yuffie:  (Ah.... Cloud... and me?  That... seems so silly.  But I... he was always so nice to me... and I was so happy when I was around him, and not just because he had all that materia... I never really wanted just the materia...)

Richiese:  I think that it would be a good idea if we...

Yuffie:  (I love him.  I want to be with him.  I'm tired of seeing him hanging around Aeris and Tifa.  It... it hurts.  To know that they had their clutches so firmly entrenched into Cloud that he couldn't even think about being with me.)

Nathan:  For the last time, killing Tifa is not an option, Richiese!

Yuffie:  (Even if Lenore is wrong... that Cloud is better off with Tifa...  I... I don't care anymore.  Because what... what about me?  I... I don't think I could live much longer going on like this...)

Yuffie:  Well, of course Tifa hates THOSE.  But she doesn't seem to mind when Cloud does that, so we should...

Lenore:  (Why do things have to turn out like this?  Why did it have to be this way?  Cloud and Tifa... friends since childhood.  The knight in shining armour.  It truly does seem like the perfect couple, doesn't it?  But... to win just because of that?  To win by default?  Yuffie doesn't even know what it's like to be peer-pressured into a relationship which, realized deep-down, just isn't working...)

Irene (frowning):  >_<

Lenore:  (It's too bad, isn't it, Jared?  That our friends at Midgar High couldn't understand.  If we had just... if they had just... maybe if I just didn't participate in the exchange program.  If I wasn't so interested in the occult.  If I didn't care so much for everything and concentrated on what truly was important...)

Yuffie:  Really, Irene?  You think so?  Well, yea, assuming they're fake, we MIGHT be able to pull that one off.

Lenore:  (Do I even love Jared?  Or Tenko?  Or even Cloud, since he has that... aura around him?  Or anyone anymore?  Maybe I'm thinking too hard about this.  Maybe love is much shallower than I thought.  Maybe it truly is simply based on who's the prettiest or the handsomest or the sexiest.  But... that can't be true...)

Lenore:  They're definately fake.  It's... it's unnatural.  Only in comic books or video games could a girl POSSIBLY have them THAT big.  We should...

Nathan:  (Hmm... so it comes down to this.  Purposefully ruining what should have been a perfectly good marriage just to help one of my best friends.  What the hell am I doing?  Why am I doing this?  Have I gone insane?  Have I lost all sense of morality that I might have had?)

Richiese:  Kill!  Kill!  Murder!  Stabbity stab!  Kill kill!

Nathan:  (But Yuffie seemed so happy when she was near Cloud.  In fact, I don't think I've ever seen her this happy before, except when we... when we were toying around back in the day with "cool gadgets and gizmos."  Right up until I... blew everything.)

(Irene stabs a butter knife into a stick figure picture of Tifa)

Nathan:  (Yuffie... Wow, she's pretty when she's happy.  I don't know what everyone else is thinking when they say that Yuffie's hideous or whatever Shake always calls her.  Of course, that doesn't mean I love Yuffie.  I feel the exact same way about Lenore, really.  Unless of course I love both of them as something more than just friends.  But that's ridiculous.  And I'm too much of a loser to get in any kind of relationship whatsoever, even if it's with my own childhood friends.  That would just be the perfect excuse, wouldn't it?)

Nathan:  The most important part would be to prove to Cloud that just because he and Tifa were childhood friends doesn't mean they love each other.

(Everyone looks at Nathan)

Yuffie:  ....yea.... that... might be true.

Lenore:  Well... um... of course that's true, isn't it?  That's the whole purpose of this, isn't it?

Nathan:  ......  (Good going, moron...)

Lenore:  Um... moving back to the main topic here...

Richiese:  (Haha, look at them.  Discussing the topic of love.  I guess they must really enjoy it though.  Always dreaming, always hoping, for that wonderful guy who will be with them forever until the ends of the earth.  But me?  I'm free of all that.  Free to do whatever I wish.  Because I'm not foolish enough to fall for love, not at all!  Because I...)

Yuffie:  Cloud... he... I don't know how to describe the feeling.  It just kinda sneaked up on me and the next thing I knew, I was asking him to go out with me on a date.

Richiese:  (Because I have nothing.  Why do the good guys have such an easy time finding a boyfriend?  Did Sephiroth ever have a girlfriend?  Even if he were still alive today, he'd still be way too old for me, anyway.  No one would like me.  No one ever appreciates the bad guy.  And I'm not even a decent villain.  Shadow stealth?  What kind of craptacular ability is that?)

Lenore:  No, Irene, Yuffie is not going to get plastic surgery.

Richiese:  (Maybe after I slit Tifa's throat I could have Cloud for myself.  That'd be fun.  And it'd be a really evil thing to do, too.  No... that would probably never happen.  Why would Cloud choose me over Yuffie, even?  I'm physically weaker than Yuffie and just as flat-chested.  Besides, the only reason I'm attracted to Cloud is probably because of his Sephiroth similiarity.)

Richiese:  I don't know why can't we just kill Tifa.

Yuffie:  We're not killing Tifa, Richiese.

Irene:  (Ah... I don't see why Yuffie gets Cloud once we're done with this.  Maybe it's because it's her turn.  I guess someone who's been gone for they-know-how-long-but-no-one-bothered-to-tell-that-someone gets to be last in line.  :(  I wonder if Cloud would bother with.... ah, nevermind.)

(Tina and Kaelle appear)

Kaelle:  What the hell are you doing?  Isn't this chitter chatter irrelevant?  Don't you have something more important to do?

Yuffie:  Oh go away.  I'll get back to saving the world later.  I'm on my break now.

Kaelle:  What?!?

Yuffie:  Even the bestest heros get tired after a while!  Shoo!  Away with you!

Kaelle:  ..... You know you aren't supposed to take that tone with me, right?

Yuffie:  Can I just have my break without one of you always popping in and bugging me?

Tina:  ....Fine fine.  Kaelle, just let her.  She's been working hard enough.

Kaelle:  ...... whatever!  I don't have to deal with this.

Yuffie:  Thanks.

(Tina and Kaelle dissappear)

Lenore:  Hmm... we're really not accomplishing anything here.  Maybe we should just move out and see what we can improv.

Richiese:  I think this would be much easier if you just let me kill her...

(Cloud and Da-Cha walk by)

Da-Cha:  Yea, you see, Tifa did the funniest thing.  She would always...

Yuffie:  Oh!  Cloud!  Um... did you find Tifa?

Cloud:  Oh.  Hey Yuffie.  Yea, Tifa's in front of the Highwind at one of the parasol tables at the beach.  I'll be meeting her soon, but I'm talking to her uncle right now.

(Cloud and Da-Cha leave)

Yuffie:  Hmm...

Lenore:  So that's where she is.  Waiting for Cloud?  I think I have an idea.

Richiese:  Hmph.  I could come up with a much better idea than you could.

Lenore:  Oh please, Richiese, killing Tifa does not constitute a good idea.

Richiese:  I still don't see what's wrong with it... well, actually I do, but that just makes it better.

Irene:  -_-

Nathan:  Well.... let's get going then.  We'll meet back here and work something out if none of us manage to be successful.

(Everyone except Yuffie runs off)

Yuffie:  ........

Kafan:  Oh, Miss Yuffie.

(Kafan walks up to Yuffie)

Kafan:  Do you have any idea how Da Chao could be Tifa's uncle?  I can't for the life of me figure out what he's doing...

Yuffie:  Dunno, but Cloud and him seem to be getting along now.  Is he really Tifa's uncle?

Kafan:  It seems like it.  He seems to know a lot of things about Tifa that even Cloud didn't know.  Many of which are... pretty... interesting?

Yuffie:  Oooooo, really?

Kafan:  Did you know that before Cloud joined Avalanche, Tifa was known by many of the 7th Heaven bar patrons as "Touch-Me Tifa?"

Yuffie:  Touch..... Me.... Tifa?  That's.... EW EW EW EW EW!!!! GROOOOOOOOOSSNESS!!!!!!!!

Kafan:  .... Yes, that is what I was thinking.

Yuffie:  Ack!!! EEEEEP!!!  ICK!! GWAAAAH!!!  EW!!  But... Tifa doesn't seem like the type of person to do that.

Kafan:  You know her better than I do.  Cloud sure seemed to be shook up about hearing that, though.

Yuffie:  Really?

Kafan:  You should probably get Tifa so she can defend herself before Da Chao fills Cloud's head with the wrong ideas.

Yuffie:  Why?

Kafan:  What do you mean, "Why?"  Because it's slanderous, devastating, and could possibly ruin a perfectly good relationship.

Yuffie:  ...And?

Kafan:  You... haven't given up, have you?

Yuffie:  ......

Kafan:  Dear Yuffie, there are things in this world which just are better off left alone.  There are things in this world which were just meant to be.  I guess I shouldn't really be speaking because I don't know anything about Cloud and Tifa's relationship, really, but if you know that they were meant for each other, and if you really love Cloud, then you know what you have to do.

Yuffie:  Maybe it wasn't meant to be?  Even Da Chao seems to be trying to break them up.  Unless he really is Tifa's uncle and he really is serious that she did all that stuff, but the chances of that are slim and if that were true Cloud's better off without Tifa anyway.

Kafan:  Da Chao... he's merely a lesser god.  He doesn't dictate fate.  That's in the hands of Dia and even higher-ups.

Yuffie:  ........Professor Kafan?  Could you please stop Tifa's uncle?  I... have some things to do.

(Yuffie runs outside)

Yuffie:  Lenore!!!  Nathan!!!  Richiese!!!  Irene!!!  Stop!!!

(Yuffie looks around)

Yuffie:  Gawd!  I gotta get to Tifa before they do!

(Yuffie runs to the Highwind.  Outside at the beach, Tifa and Jared are sitting at a table underneath an umbrella.)

Yuffie:  Whew!  They're not here yet.

(Yuffie walks up to Jared)

Tifa:  Hey Yuffie.

Yuffie:  Oh, hey Tif.  Um... Jared, did you see Lenore?

(Jared points to the Highwind)

Yuffie:  Thanks!

(Jared nods, then Tifa continues talking to him)

Yuffie (walking to the Highwind):  I'd better tell Lenore to just forget about it.  I knew this wasn't right.

(Yuffie stops)

Yuffie:  Wait.... what the hell...

(Lenore grabs Yuffie into the Highwind)

Lenore:  Shhh!

Yuffie:  Um... Lenore?  What's going on?  Why's Jared with Tifa?

Lenore:  Oh?  Jared and Tifa?  They're just... hanging out I guess.

Yuffie:  Um... oh.  So I guess you didn't try to start getting Tifa to hate Cloud again, huh?

Lenore:  Nope.

Yuffie:  Whew, that's good.

Lenore:  Jared's going to do it for me.

Yuffie:  Really?  How nice of him... HEY!!  What do you mean?

Lenore:  I figured that Jared would be the perfect person to convince Tifa that childhood relationships are a crock.  He does a really good job of making me doubt my relationship with Tenko whenever I'm around him.

Yuffie:  Um... what will Jared say to Tifa?

Lenore:  Probably nothing, knowing him.

Yuffie:  ???  How does this work again?

Lenore:  Just watch.  You can listen from here using the Highwind intercom.

(Lenore turns the intercom on)

Tifa:  So... you really think that maybe I was just kidding myself?

Jared:  ......

Tifa:  Hmm.... yea, maybe.  But I don't know.  Cloud's just been... so... you know, lately.

Jared:  ......

Tifa:  Yea....

Jared:  Probably.

Tifa:  Uh huh.

Jared:  .....

Yuffie:  O_o

Lenore:  Isn't it great?  Jared will have Tifa deciding that she doesn't want to be married to Cloud in no time.  Yuffie?  Where did you go?

(Yuffie forcefully shoves Jared out of his chair and sits down in it)

Tifa:  Yuffie!!

Yuffie:  Hey, Tif!  What's up?  Anything happen while I was gone?

Tifa:  Yuffie, you weren't gone for a very long time, you know...

Yuffie:  Well, yea, I guess.

Lenore:  Jared!  Are you all right?

(Lenore glares at Yuffie)

Yuffie:  What?  I was just... um, trying to get closer to the conversation.  But I forgot there were only two chairs and Jared was in one of them.

Lenore:  Eh?

Jared:  ......ow.

Lenore:  Ack!  Here, Jared, I'll help you to the Highwind's infirmary.  Irene's there.  She'll help you out.

(Lenore drags Jared away)

Tifa:  Yuffie, are you feeling okay?

Yuffie:  Who, me?  Of course I am!  So, how's everything?  Still have a good thing going with Cloud, right?  I mean, you two look so well together and all that.

Tifa:  .... You're not getting my materia, Yuffie.

Yuffie:  That's what it always boils down to, huh?

Tifa:  Yes.

Yuffie:  Yea....

(Tifa and Yuffie don't say anything for a while.)

Yuffie:  (Whew... that was close.  Well, Irene's back at the Highwind so I'll just have to worry about Nathan and Richiese.  I wonder what they're doing...)

(Yuffie sees Richiese behind Tifa)

(Richiese takes out her claws and smiles)

(Yuffie waves)

Tifa (looking behind her):  Yuffie, who are you waving at.

Yuffie:  Who, me?  Oh.  Um...

(Richiese has already faded into Tifa's shadow)

Yuffie:  Just... ah, waving at you.  To make sure that you were... awake.

Tifa:  That's... nice.

Yuffie:  Yep.

Tifa:  Yea...

(More silence)

(Richiese steps out and behind Tifa, and looks at her claws, then at Yuffie and nods)

Yuffie:  (Hmm.... what is she... OH NO!  She couldn't actually...)

(Richiese prepares to slash Tifa at the neck)

Yuffie:  NOOOOOOOOO!!!!

(Yuffie quickly gets up, grabs her chair, and throws it at Tifa.  The chair slams into Tifa's face and knocks her down, pops into the air, and crashes on Richiese's head.  Richiese stumbles back a few steps before losing consciousness)

(Yuffie runs up to Tifa who's on the floor)

Yuffie:  Tifa?  You okay?

Tifa:  You threw a chair at me.

Yuffie:  Er.... yea, I did.

Tifa:  Why did you do that?

Yuffie:  I... um... I don't know.  It was a reflex.

Tifa:  A reflex?

Yuffie:  Er... yea.

Tifa:  That makes you randomly throw chairs at people for no reason?

Yuffie:  Er... yea.

Tifa:  You're going through... THAT, aren't you?

Yuffie:  What's "THAT?"

(Yuffie thinks for a moment)

Yuffie:  EW!!!! GROSSNESS!!!!!!!!!!

(Silence)

Tifa and Yuffie:  .......

Tifa:  Yuffie, help me up.  I think my head is bleeding.

Yuffie:  Um... yea, it is.

(Yuffie helps Tifa get up)

Yuffie:  Should I take you to the infirmary?

Tifa:  No!  I think I'll go there by myself.

Yuffie:  Er... okay.

(Tifa walks away towards the Highland)

Richiese (getting up and rubbing her head):  I didn't know it was that time of month for you.

Yuffie:  Shaddup.

Richiese:  Drat, I could have killed her.  I wonder if Irene will have a better plan.

Yuffie:  Irene?  OH NO!!  IRENE!!!!

(Yuffie runs towards the Highwind.  Richiese shrugs and runs after her.)

(Yuffie gets to the infirmary.  Lenore and Jared are outside)

Jared (rubbing his head):  ....

Lenore:  Oh, hey Yuffie.  Wow, Irene's cure magic works wonders.  But I wish you didn't do that.

Richiese:  Yuffie is...

(Yuffie smacks Richiese)

Yuffie:  What's going on?

Lenore:  Tifa came in with a rather nasty bruise on her head.  Irene's like... going to perform some sort of surgery.

Yuffie:  Why would Irene need to do surgery?  She's a magic healer, not a doctor.

Lenore:  That's what I thought.

(Yuffie looks in the window of the infirmary)

(Yuffie sees Tifa lying down on the patient's bed)

(Yuffie sees Irene reading a book on plastic surgery)

(Yuffie sees Irene put the book down and pick up some needles)

Irene:  >:)

Yuffie:  Great heavenly sweet merciful crap...

Tifa:  Is it that bad?  I don't see why I need an operation for something like a hit in the head.

(Irene takes out the sleeping gas)

Tifa (getting up):  Are you sure about...

Irene:  -_-

Tifa:  Okay, okay...

(Yuffie readies her conformer to knock the sleeping gas device out of Irene's hand)

Cloud:  D3Wd!!!!!!!

Yuffie:  EEEEEEK!!!

(Yuffie darts the conformer, then quickly looks at Cloud)

Yuffie:  Um, hiya Cloud.  Just... watching Irene... do surgery... on Tifa... for no reason at all.  And most certainly to not make her... look less... Tifaish and junk.

(A shearing noise is heard)

Yuffie:  Er...

(Tifa bursts out of the infirmary holding a large amount of her hair, which is now... short)

Tifa:  YUFFIE!!!!  GET YOUR DAMN MENSTRUATING SELF AWAY FROM ME!!!!!!!!

Jared:  Wha?

Irene:  ??

Lenore:  Ick...

Yuffie:  .......

Tifa:  Oh, Cloud!  You're back!  Finally.  Let's go somewhere.  Maybe hit the beach or something.  I'm not having much success simply being here.  Especially with Yuffie around while she's... nevermind.

Cloud:  Yo!!!  wH3r3's m@h m0n3y, b1tCH?!?

Tifa:  What?   What did you say?

Cloud:  G1v3 m3 m@h m0n3y, g0d D@MN wh0r3!!!!!

Yuffie and Tifa:  ???

Tifa:  Um... the money you gave me?  I already spent it at the store buying a swimsuit for the beach and....

(Cloud slaps Tifa hard, knocking her to the floor)

Cloud:  B1TCH!!! j00 h@v3 b33n p1mP3d!!!  b3ttah hav3 mY  $$$$ n3xT tImE, b1y0TcH!!!!

(Cloud stomps away)

(Everyone except Tifa blinks)

Tifa:  C... CLOUD!!!  YOU ASSHOLE!!!

(Tifa stomps away in the opposite direction)

Irene:  ??

Lenore:  Wow, we didn't have to do anything.  Cloud's enough of a jerk by himself.

Yuffie:  Dammit!!!  What the hell does Cloud think he's doing?!?

Richiese:  Wow, I didn't know Cloud was so greedy!  I like it!

(Yuffie, Irene, Richiese, and Lenore run after Cloud)

Yuffie:  Cloud!  What the hell do you think you're doing?!?  Hey!  Slow down!

(Everyone follows Cloud into an abandoned Costa Del Sol warehouse)

Nathan:  Oh, hey Yuffie.  It appears I was successful.  What do you think?

Yuffie:  Huh?

Nathan:  Hmm... we'd better make sure Tifa or Cloud can't hear us.

(Nathan presses a button near the garage door to the warehouse and it slams down.  The lights turn on.  Nathan looks at Cloud)

Nathan:  This is my latest invention, the Inferior Clod.  Isn't it neat?  It looks just like Cloud, huh?

Inferior Clod:  D00D!  i will r0XX()r u!!!!!

Yuffie:  Um... how did you...

Nathan:  Make it?  I used spare Shinra parts in this warehouse.  There's a lot of them since Shinra fortified this place.  And the quotes for him I just downloaded from unmoderated message boards on the internet.  Some of those places just seem to be the spawning grounds for assholes, jerks, and general idiots.  Do you like it?

Lenore:  Um.... it really... looks like Cloud, that's for sure.

Richiese:  I was sure fooled by it.

Irene:  :{

Clod:  ROFLMAO.  j00 s1lll13 n00b13z!!!

Yuffie:  Um... what did it just say?

Lenore:  Beats me but I'm pretty sure it was an insult.

Nathan:  Nah, that can't be write.  It only flings insults when I tell it to using my remote control.

Clod:  LOL!!! j00 sUk!!!!

Yuffie:  I'm pretty sure that was an insult.

Nathan:  Hmm.  Maybe I left it on.

(Nathan fiddles with his controller)

Clod:   wAZZUP!!!!  g0D@mN bTcH wh0r3!!!!

(Clod slaps Yuffie, sending her flying to the back of the warehouse)

(Yuffie gets up)

Yuffie:  OW!!  Okay, what the HELL was that?!?

Nathan:  Er...

(Clod takes out his Atma Weapon)

Lenore:  Crap!  It has Cloud's sword, too?!?

(Clod slashes Lenore hard)

Nathan (madly smacking his controller):  Er... actually, that's just a replica.  I got that goddess Tina to lend it to me for the purposes of making the Inferior Clod look authentic.

(Irene casts cure spells on Yuffie and Lenore)

(Clod grabs Irene, chokes her really hard, then slams her to the ground)

(Irene, coughing, stumbles back.  Yuffie grabs her and drags her away from Clod)

Yuffie:  Nathan!  Make it stop!!!

Nathan:  I'm trying!

Richiese:  EEP!!

(Richiese jumps behind Yuffie and fades into her shadow)

(Clod cross slashes Nathan)

Nathan:  ACK!!!

Lenore (shooting at Clod):  This isn't working!  We'll have to destroy it!

(Clod catches some of Lenore's bullets and eats them)

Lenore:  Um...

Clod:  I g0tS@ p1mP m@H ho3s!!!!

(Clod slaps Lenore, knocking her down)

Clod:  j00 h@v3 b33n P1Mp3d!!!

Lenore (cringing):  PIMP?!?  It just said it PIMPED me?!?

Nathan:  Er.... yea, like I said, it's from unmoderated message boards.  Most of them were discussion forums about massively multiplayer online role-playing games.

(Nathan's remote control explodes)

Nathan:  Aw crap...

Lenore:  Great... now we get to be pimped to death.  Just wonderful.

(Nathan grabs out his laser gun and fires it at Inferior Clod.  The laser bounces off it's reflective armour and begins rebounding around the room really quickly)

Yuffie:  EEEEP!!

(Everyone frantically dodges the laser blast flying around the room)

Nathan:  Ack!  It appeared that the metal I used to make it was reflective...

Yuffie:  Nathan!  Get us out of here!

Nathan:  Right!

(Nathan hits the button next to the garage door.  The door moves up an inch before slamming shut again)

Everyone but Clod:  .....

Clod:  d3wD! j000 n3wb13s R |-|#||@ 1@|V|$!!!  i VV!|_|_ ()w|V U b1Y()7c|-|3z!!!!

Yuffie:  AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

Lenore:  MY EARS ARE BLEEDING!!!

Richiese:  MAKE IT STOP!!!

Nathan (covering ears):  I CAN'T!!

Clod:  ROFLMAO!!!!

Yuffie:  Die, inferior bitch!!

(Yuffie uses her greased lightning limit break and runs up to Inferior Clod, slashing it with her conformer)

(Inferior Clod catches Yuffie by the arm when she tries to slash it)

Yuffie:  Huh?  Oh crap...

(Clod holds Yuffie up to him/it, and kisses her)

(Yuffie gets electrocuted)

(Clod lets go of Yuffie and she backs up)

(Lenore and Nathan run up to Yuffie.  Richiese jumps out from behind her but is too surprised to counterattack)

Richiese:  I definately wasn't expecting that...

Lenore:  Yuffie, are you okay?

Yuffie (charbroiled):  Ha...ha.... wow... that was like.... really.... yea....

(Clod whips out his Atma weapon and slashes Yuffie, Lenore, Nathan, and Richiese with one swipe, knocking them all back)

Clod:  j00 h@v3 b33N 0wN3d!!!!!

Richiese (coughing):  My head... it hurts... I feel nauseous...

Yuffie:  Oh... gee... I think I'll just black out now.

(Lenore casts a cure spell on herself)

Lenore:  Um, Nathan, if you haven't noticed, this is really bad.

(Irene casts Raise on Yuffie while Nathan and Lenore drag her and Richiese away from the Inferior Clod)

Yuffie:  I am NOT going to let myself get beaten by a robotic version of spike head!

(Yuffie blasts the Inferior Clod with her All Creation limit break)

Clod:  U us3 UOE!!!!

(Clod falls down to the ground)

(Everyone stares)

Lenore:  Is it dead?

Richiese:  I hope so...

Yuffie (panting):  Take that, inferior piece of crap...

Nathan:  I'm really sorry.  I didn't think that... er... well...

(The Inferior Clod shakes then slowly gets up)

Yuffie:  Oh... my... gawd...

Clod:  SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE!!!  SHAKE YOUR BOOTY, D3WD!!!

(A huge cannon bursts out of Clod's chest and his eyes bug out)

Yuffie:  OMIGAWD!!!!

Lenore:  Brea...

(Clod fires a huge blast from his chest, which slams into everyone)

Lenore:  k... nevermind.....

Richiese:  I feel sick...

Yuffie:  Nathan....!!

Nathan:  O...kay, I guess I should have checked out which parts I was using.  Had I known that this would have happened, I would have done that.  Now I know.  Next time this won't happen.

Yuffie:  If we live until a next time!

Clod:  HEY HEY HEY!!!

(Clod begins rattling and shaking extremely quickly while stomping towards Yuffie, Lenore, Irene, Richiese, and Nathan.  His chest cannon fires again, blasting them all against the wall)

Clod:  D13, g0dD@mN wH()r3z!!!!!!!

(Everyone looks up at Clod as he stomps toward them)

Yuffie (struggling to maintain consciousness):  You've killed us all, Nathan...

Nathan:  No!  I won't let this happen!

(Nathan jumps in front of Clod.  Clod smacks him aside)

Clod:  st00p1d L@m3r.

Yuffie:  Oh gawd...

(The Inferior Clod stomps forward)

Lenore:  This can't be happening...

(The Inferior Clod stops)

Richiese:  I don't want to die!

(The Inferior Clod's chest cannon begins charging up)

Irene:  (Goodbye...)

Clod (cannon about to fire):  I w1LL r0xx()r you!!!!!!

Everyone holding on to each other (cept Nathan since he flew somewhere to the side):  AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

Clod:  ()WN3D!!!!!!!!!

(A huge slashing noise rings across the warehouse)

(Silence)

(Everyone opens their eyes and sees Cloud standing besides the Inferior Clod, which is on the floor and split in two)

Cloud:  Are you guys all right?

Yuffie:  C... Cloud?

Lenore:  H....huh?

Cloud:  I heard lots of screaming and came to check up on things.  I had to enter through the side doors because the garage door was closed.

Yuffie:  The... side doors?

Lenore:  We could have.... escaped through those?

Richiese:  Great, now I feel like an idiot.

Yuffie:  But.... ah... thanks for helping us, Cloud.

Cloud:  Yea, when I entered, I saw that.... thing and I figured I'd help out.  Are you okay?

(Yuffie, Lenore, Irene, and Richiese blink)

Yuffie:  Huh?  Were we okay?  Oh!  Well, um, of course we were okay!  Right?

Lenore:  Er... yea, of course!  We were just... screaming at the robot.

Richiese:  Yea, I'd never lose to a craptacular robot like that.

(Irene nods)

(The Inferior Clod's two pieces twitch a little)

Yuffie, Lenore, Richiese, and Irene:  EEEEEEEEEEEK!!

(Yuffie, Lenore, Richiese, and Irene dash behind Cloud and grab onto him)

Yuffie:  It's still alive!!!  KILL IT!!!

Cloud:  I can't breathe!

Clod:  SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE YOUR BOOTY!!

(What's left of the Inferior Clod explodes)

(Everyone stares where the Inferior Clod used to be)

(Yuffie, Lenore, Richiese, and Irene look at Cloud, then quickly let go of him and back up)

Yuffie:  Er.... yea.  Well... we sure showed that... thing.

Lenore:  Aye...

Yuffie:  Nathan?

Nathan:  Er.... yes?

Yuffie:  Do us a favor and beta test your robots next time.  That way if they screw up only you die instead of taking all of us with you!

Nathan:  ..... of course.

Yuffie:  Ack!  Not that I want you to die, of course.  That'd be really bad and junk.

Cloud:  Well... guess everything's okay here then.

Yuffie:  Yea... er, Cloud, thanks.

Lenore:  Oh yes... thanks for saving us.

Richiese:  .....

Cloud:  Huh?  Oh, no problem.

Yuffie:  You just always seem to be there when I really need you...

(Yuffie slowly looks up at Cloud, then kisses him with everyone else staring)

(Cloud gently pushes Yuffie away)

(Everyone stares for a few more moments)

Yuffie:  I... I'm sorry, Cloud!  I shouldn't have done that... I'm so sorry... what was I thinking?  What with you and Tifa and that...

Cloud:  Tifa and I... our relationship... our marriage isn't working out.

Yuffie:  What?  You didn't believe anything that Tifa's uncle told you, did ya?

Cloud:  Huh?  Tifa's uncle?  I don't know.  I was wondering about how Da-Cha said Tifa was a whore that belonged to pimps, then Tifa screamed at me something about pimps and whores before slapping me then angrily stomping off, so I don't know what to believe anymore.

Yuffie:  But... you're married.  You can't just let a little doubt get in the way of something like that and...

Cloud:  Actually, I don't think there is any doubt anymore.  I think I knew for a long time but just wasn't willing to admit it to myself.  I never really even acknowledged Tifa.  Not until after... until... nevermind.

(Everyone is quiet for a little longer)

Yuffie:  I love you, Cloud.

Cloud:  ???

(Yuffie hugs Cloud)

Yuffie:  I knew I did for quite a while.  And... and after that date at the Golden Saucer, I knew for sure.  Cloud, I...

(Cloud lets go of Yuffie and slowly backs off)

Cloud:  .....Yuffie, I'm sorry.  I realized this ever since that night, and knew all this time, but I was hoping that you just had a simple crush and would just forget about it, but I knew you never would...

Yuffie:  You knew?  Then why...

Cloud:  Yuffie... I can't.  When I said I never even really acknowledged Tifa, I meant to mention that I never acknowledged her until after... until after Aeris's death.

Yuffie (looking down):  Aeris...

Cloud:  Yuffie, your professor, Kafan, she told me about this when she came to drag Tifa's uncle away from me.  I'm sorry, but I have to agree with what she said.  Just forget about it, Yuffie.  You'll feel much better for it.  A relationship between you and I would never work out.

Yuffie:  .....ha.  A relationship with you?  Yea... it does sound really stupid, doesn't it?

Cloud:  ....yea, it does, doesn't it?

Yuffie:  What was I thinking?  Maybe I just have too much of a thing for heroics or something.  Stupid school girl crushes.  Heh.  Wow, I feel much better already.  Thanks, spike-head.  How silly of me.  I can't believe I was such an idiot.

Cloud:  Don't worry about it, Yuffie.  Now I... I have to go tell Tifa the truth.  It's about time...

Yuffie:  Oh, yea.  Of course.  See ya around then.

Cloud:  Yea, see ya later, Yuffie.  Til later, everyone.

Lenore:  Oh... ah... bye!

Richiese:  .......

(Cloud runs off with everyone staring after him)

(Everyone stares at where Cloud ran off for a while)

(Nathan walks up to the door and re-opens it)

Nathan:  .... I guess we should be leav...

Lenore:  Cloud!!!

Yuffie:  WAIT!!!

(Everyone tramples Nathan)

Nathan:  Ow.

Jared:  Hey, Lenore, Cloud told me you were here and...

Lenore:  Cloud?  Do you know where he went?

Jared:  Yea, he was going to the Highwind and...

(Everyone tramples over Jared to run after Cloud)

Nathan:  Oh, hey Jared.  I guess this is "boyfriend be girlfriend's footmat" day.

Jared:  ....what are you talking about?

(Yuffie, Lenore, Irene, and Richiese run up to Cloud, who's entering the Highwind)

Yuffie:  Cloud!  Where are you going?

Cloud:  Yuffie?  Are you still following me?  And why are your friends following me, too?

(Lenore, Richiese, and Irene look at each other)

Lenore:  Huh?  Us?  We were... um...

Richiese:  Well, I'm sure it's not because... um... like we like Cloud too a lot because I barely know him.

Yuffie:  They just... enjoy helping me for some reason.  Because they... think that you... and I.... Cloud, please...

Cloud:  ..... Cid's crew is giving me a ride back.

Yuffie:  Back?  To where?

Cloud:  To the Northern Continent.  Even though it's probably ruins by now, I need to go there.

Yuffie:  What?  Why?  What's there, anyway?

Cloud:  ... I need to see her again.

Yuffie:  .......

Cloud:  Goodbye, Yuffie.

Yuffie:  ....Goodbye, Cloud.

(Cloud enters the Highwind and it slowly rumbles before taking off.  Yuffie, Lenore, Richiese, and Irene watch as their hair blows in the wind from the Highwind's propellors.)

(The Highwind flies off into the distance)

Richiese:  I... I guess that's it then.

Lenore:  Yea... that's it.

Irene:  :(

Yuffie:  Why are you guys all sad?  I don't get it.

(The four girls walk right past Tifa, who's wandering around)

Tifa:  Hmm... I wonder where Cloud is...

(Kafan, Tina, Nathan, and Jared stand in front of Yuffie)

Kafan:  Miss Yuffie, are you done yet?

Yuffie:  ...Yea.

Tina:  Good.  Now you have a Gold Saucer to infiltrate.  Judith has already aligned herself with the Light Warriors.  She used Cervas's clockworks to take over the Gold Saucer.  They have the Guardian, a god weapon which was stolen from us.  The Guardian when fully charged by the Gold Saucer has the ability to wipe out the entire planet.  Judith doesn't know that the Light Warriors plan on destroying the world to get their revenge.  You will have to stop them.

Yuffie:  ....Yea.

Lenore:  The Guardian?  That weapon that Niel sicked on us back at Wutai in the pas... er... a while back?

Yuffie:  ....we'll take care of it.

Tina:  That's good.

(Tina grabs her Atma Weapon from Nathan)

Tina:  Next time when you make a robot make sure it can't abuse a weapon like this.

(Tina looks at Yuffie)

Tina:  And... I'm sorry about Cloud.  I honestly did what I could but I suppose I arrived too late.  Just... don't tell Dia about this, will you?  She has this thing about messing with her plans and storylines.

Yuffie:  Her plans and storylines?  The gods set it up so Cloud would love Aeris?

Tina:  Huh?  ACK!  No!  That's not it!  She... just would have preferred that Cloud would love Aeris and no one else.  It's nothing.  Don't worry about it.  Well, this is it then.  I will be seeing you again.

(Tina dissappears)

Nathan:  Abuse the weapon... Yuffie, I'm sorry.

Yuffie:  Nathan, it's not a big deal.

Nathan:  You all almost got killed!

Lenore:  Well... yea.  We did.  But don't worry about it.

Nathan:  ........thanks.

Kafan:  Let's go.

Yuffie:  Is dad coming?

Kafan:  Just let Lord Godo sleep.  He can catch up.

(Kafan leads everyone else to the mountain path to the Gold Saucer, which leads off into the sunset)

(Jared looks at Lenore, who looks back at him, then he turns away and looks downward)

Lenore:  (Jared... hmm... for a moment I thought that Jared was actually the one for me and that peer pressure is what made Tenko and I get together.  But when I was around Cloud... when I looked at him... when he destroyed that evil robot, I... I don't think true love exists anymore.  Because... because when Yuffie kissed Cloud... I... I felt... jealous...)

Richiese:  (I can't believe it.  That I would let myself to fall prey to such.... Argh!  Cloud is evil!  EVIL!  He must have some sort of enchantment around him that makes everyone fall in love with him or something.  How could I allow myself to even think about... hmph!  The society of evil villains would laugh at me for falling in love with a great hero like Cloud.  If there was a society of villains, of course.  The Sephiroth fan club would definately have a field day, though.  And it's no wonder!  Falling in love with Cloud.  Yea, right.  Besides... Cloud and I... that is one stupid combination.  If only... if only things could be that perfect.  But villains... they don't get loved ones.  And the ones they do get generally die tragic death which is what made them into villains in the first place.  I... I'll never fall in love again...)

Irene:  (So that's love.  I guess I wouldn't know.  Maybe he and that Aeris person... they must have had some sort of special bond.  Like... it was pre-programmed or something.  But if love has to be pre-programmed, then why would I like Cloud?  I'm pretty sure my programming doesn't include love for some random spiky-haired hero.  I don't understand...)

Nathan:  (They're all devastated.  Maybe they don't know it.  I'm a bit surprised myself.  How does he do it?  How could Cloud, by just STANDING around, get three other girls to fall in love with him?  So that's Yuffie's "boyfriend."  And they all know that it would never work out.  It's not just a simple crush started at a whim, either.  They wouldn't be so depressed and have that look in their eyes if it were so.  And I think I'd know.  Because I know the feeling all too well...)

Kafan:  (I tried to warn her.  I guess I should have warned them all, too.  Love... sometimes you can not deal with it.  Sometimes you just have to forget about it.  I wish it didn't have to be that way.  If you could go against destiny... if you could go against the will of the gods... if only the storyline weren't set in stone.  I wonder how dear Yuffie feels now.  She's probably thinking about all the ramifications of being in love with someone who could never love you back.  About why one falls in love.  About why another must remain true to his love of a loved one long deceased.  And about why it had to be this way...)

Yuffie:  (Wow, love really sucks.)