Kain: Cecil! Don't attack it while it's mist! It will counter attack!
Mist Dragon: Grr!
Cecil: Die!
(Cecil chops the Mist Dragon. The Mist Dragon dies)
Cecil: Wow. That was easy.
Kain: Let's go.
(Cecil and Kain enter the village of Mist)
(The package opens by itself)
(A whole bunch of bombs burst from the package and burn down the village of Mist)
Cecil: Oops.
Kain: That did no good.
Child Rydia: Mommy!!! You killed my mommy! You killed everyone!
Cecil: Um....
Child Rydia: All gone! Everyone is all gone!!!
(Rydia wakes up from her dream)
Rydia: Gads!
(Rydia picks up the telephone and calls up Cecil)
Cecil: Hello?
Rydia: You bastard!
(Rydia hangs up)
Cecil: What the hell was that all about?
Rydia: .......
Leviathan: Rydia? What's going on?
Asura: Are you all right?
Rydia: Oh! Leviathan! Asura!
(Note: Rydia lives in the Land of the Summoned Monsters, despite the fact that it'll shorten her life span)
Leviathan: You were screaming about your mother.
Rydia: .......
(Edge bursts into the room)
Edge: Rydia! I'll save you!
(Edge chops Leviathan)
Leviathan: Ouch!
Rydia: What are you doing, here?
Edge: I heard you screaming.
Rydia: How? You live all the way over in Eblan.
Edge: Um.... I was spying on you.
(Rydia slaps Edge)
Edge: So, wanna go out on a date with me?
(Rydia slaps Edge)
Edge: Come on! It'll be fun!
(Rydia picks up Edge, and throws him off the edge of the Land of Summoned Monsters)
Rydia: Lousy pest.
Leviathan: You know, you will need to marry someone, someday.
Rydia: Are you implying that I should marry Edge?!
Leviathan: No way! But, you are the last of the caller race. If you don't have a son or daughter, callers will go extinct.
Rydia: Gee, I never thought about that. But, if I do marry someone, my son or daughter won't be a pure caller because my husband wasn't a caller, so eventually callers will disappear, anyway.
Leviathan: True.
Rydia: Surely, there are more callers out there...
Leviathan: If there are, they aren't on this planet.
Rydia: You think there are callers on other planets?
Asura: You should ask Bahamut. He knows everything about callers. He did, after all, create the summoned monsters.
Rydia: Cool. How do I talk to Bahamut?
Asura: Why don't you summon him? You are, after all, a caller.
Rydia: Sure!
(Rydia summons Bahamut on Asura. Bahamut appears.)
Bahamut: Mega Flare!
(Bahamut mega flares Asura, then dissappears.)
(Asura does her signature counter attack on Rydia)
(Rydia dies)
Asura: Oops.
(Asura chants life on Rydia)
Rydia: Ouch! Dammit. It looks like I'll have to visit Bahamut, myself. But he lives on the moon, and I need the Big Whale to get there. But those dumb Mysidians put the Big Whale back to sleep in the ocean.
Leviathan: The ocean? Oh, that's easy! I can get it out for you. I control the ocean.
(Mysidia)
(The Elder is relaxing on the beach)
Elder: La la la.
Leviathan: Big Whale, RISE!
Elder: Eh?
(The Big Whale bursts out of the ocean, causing a huge tidal wave)
Elder: AYIEEEE!
(The tidal wave washes Elder away)
(The Big Whale crushes Mysidia)
Leviathan: There you go!
Rydia: Thanks!
(Rydia enters the big whale)
(The Big Whale flies to the moon)
Meanwhile......
Tiamat: Here! Take it!
Cloud: You're giving this to me?
Tiamat: Sure!
(Tiamat hands Cloud the W-Summon Materia, A Bahamut Zero Materia, and a quadra magic materia)
Tiamat: Connect the quadra magic materia to the Bahamut Zero Materia to summon him four times, and use the W-summon to double that number, and you can summon Bahamut EIGHT times!
Cloud: Cool!
(Cloud leaves)
Warmech: Why the hell did you do that?
Tiamat: Don't you get it? EIGHT TIMES! If Cloud summons Bahamut Zero, Bahamut will be gone for weeks just to cast Terra Flare eight times.
Warmech: Cool. But who's going to make Cloud summon Bahamut Zero?
Tiamat: You are!
(Warmech nukes Tiamat)
(Warmech walks over to Cloud)
Warmech: Grr!
Cloud: Shit!
(Cloud casts Bahamut Zero)
Bahamut: Oh! That's my call! Gotta go!
(Bahamut leaves his house to chant Terra Flare on Warmech)
(Tiamat enters Bahamut's household)
ServantM: What the hell are you doing here?
Tiamat: I'm taking over!
ServantF: No you're not!
(Tiamat eats the two servants)
Tiamat: Lousy pests.
(Rydia lands on the moon)
Rydia: Bahamut?
(Rydia enters Bahamut's household)
Behemoth: Grr!
Rydia: Eh? What are you doing, here? I thought Bahamut fired you!
Behemoth: Grr!
Rydia: Well, I can't just let you stay in the way. METEO!
(Rydia casts Meteo on Behemoth)
(Behemoth does his signature counter attack)
(Rydia dies)
Rydia: DAMMIT! It's a good thing that I saved it right before I entered Bahamut's cave. I need a way to get past Behemoth. I know! I'll ask Fu So Ya!
Meanwhile.......
Bahamut: Terra Flare!
Warmech: Ouch!
(Bahamut looks at his schedule)
Bahamut: Damn! I have to chant Terra Flare eight times?! Well, that's one.....
Meanwhile.....
(Lunar Subteraneon. Millions of white fluffy mops blanket the floor. Except for two little dots. A black one and a shiny bald one)
(There is a knock at the door)
(The black one moves)
Golbez: Fu So Ya! Wake up! Someone is knocking at the door!
(Golbez pokes the nearest mop)
Golbez: Wake up!
(Golbez pokes it, again)
Lunarian: Huh? riggum raggum rrrea ssdf..... ZZZZZ.....
Golbez: Oops. Wrong one. Hey, Zemus!
(Golbez pokes the shiny bald spot)
Zemus: Eh? Something's poking my ass!
Golbez: Zemus! Which one of these stupid mops is Fu So Ya?
(Golbez looks at his now very dirty and stinky sword)
Golbez: That's the last time I poke you with my sword!
Zemus: Who cares about Fu So Ya? Let me sleep!
(Zemus goes to sleep)
Golbez: I guess I have to get the door, myself!
(Golbez opens the door)
Rydia: WHAT THE HELL TOOK SO LONG!?
Golbez: WHY ARE YOU SCREAMING AT ME!?
RYDIA: YOU IDIOT! OPEN THE DOOR SOONER NEXT TIME!
GOLBEZ: SHUT UP!
(Golbez chops Rydia)
(Rydia dies)
Golbez: Ooops.
(Golbez gives Rydia a life potion)
Rydia: DAMMIT! Why do I always end up dying in every scene?!
Golbez: 'Cause you're weak.
Rydia: Oh shut up. Now come on. I need you're help.
Meanwhile....
Bahamut: Terra Flare!
Warmech: Ouch!
Bahamut: That's two.... damn, this is taking a long time. Why the heck do I take so long to cast Terra Flare? I'm sure it would be a lot better if I didn't have to fly around the moon and re-open my wings every time I chanted it!
(Bahamut wipes away a ton of sweat)
(The sweat fallls on Warmech)
Warmech: AGH! YUCKY! Stupid Tiamat. I'll get him for this.
Meanwhile....
Golbez and Rydia: W-Meteo!
(Golbez and Rydia cast W-Meteo on Behemoth)
(Behemoth does his signature counter attack)
(Rydia dies)
Golbez: Hmm. Oh well.
(Golbez chops Behemoth)
(Behemoth dies)
Golbez: Come on. Let's go!
Rydia: ............%(*#$@#$..............
(Rydia and Golbez approach Bahamut's throne)
Tiamat (in Bahamut disguise): Eh? Who goes there?
Rydia: Lord Bahamut! It's me, Rydia.
Tiamat: Rydia?
(Tiamat licks his chop)
Tiamat (to himself): Cool. Breakfast.
Rydia: I need your help to locate more callers.
Tiamat: Huh? There are more callers out there?
Rydia: Yeah.
Tiamat (to himself): Wow! Lots of delicious snacks for me!
Rydia: Will you help me?
Tiamat: Sure! I'll just use dear ol' daddy's Caller Radar, here....
Rydia: Daddy's? Who's your dad?
Tiamat: Whoa! Um...... I don't have a dad. "Dear Ol' Daddy's Caller Radar" is the name of the device.
Rydia: That's a stupid name.
Tiamat: Shut up or I'll eat you.
(Tiamat turns on the Caller Radar to locate callers on other planets)
(Rydia and Golbez leave to find more callers)
Meanwhile.....
Bahamut: Terra Flare!
Warmech: Ouch! Damn, that's getting annoying....
Bahamut: Well, that three.
Meanwhile....
(A forest. Kaeli is kneeling in front of a big fat tree)
Kaeli: Oh great wise tree...
(Kaeli stops praying)
Kaeli: Wow! For some reason, I have a strong urge to play Spar in Breath of Fire 2!
(The wise tree wakes up)
Wise Tree: Oh! Itch' a therapy tillow! Now vu can come inchu my mind!
Kaeli: What?
Wise Tree: Never mind. Damn bad translators.
(Note: That was an inside joke mocking at Breath of Fire 2's god-awful translation to English)
Wise Tree: Ah, Kaeli. You have awakened me. Now, I will answer any questions you have.
Kaeli: Cool! How about.... What's the meaning of life?
Wise Tree: The meaning of life? That's easy! The meaning of life is....
(The Big Whale lands and crushes the Wise Tree)
Kaeli: Eh?
(Kaeli looks at the Big Whale)
Kaeli: The meaning of life is a spaceship that looks like a big fish? Weird.
(Rydia exits the Big Whale)
Rydia: Hmm... I don't see any callers, here.
(Kaeli looks at Rydia's green hair)
Kaeli: You must be...... the Plant Queen!
Rydia: Huh?
(Kaeli kneels in reverance at the Plant Queen's imposter)
Rydia: Whatever.
Golbez: Is she a caller?
Rydia: No. She doesn't have green hair.
Golbez: But she wears a green dress.
Rydia: So?
Golbez: Her hair is red. Didn't your mom have red hair?
Rydia: Oh yeah! Maybe she is a caller. Hey, you! Can you summon any monsters?
Kaeli: I can summon trees.
Rydia: Good enough!
(Rydia and Golbez grab Kaeli and head back into the Big Whale to find the next caller)
Meanwhile........
Bahamut: Terra Flare!
Warmech: OUCH!
Bahamut: That's.... um...... gee, I lost count.
Warmech: IT WAS EIGHT! NOW LEAVE ME ALONE!
Bahamut: Okay.
(Bahamut begins to leave)
Cloud: Hey! What's the big deal?! You only chanted Terra Flare four times!
Bahamut: Oh yeah!
Warmech: Drat!
(Bahamut prepares for the next Terra Flare)
Meanwhile........
Scarlet: Kya ha ha!
Heideggar: Let's see how you handle anti-weapon artillery!
(Heideggar and Scarlet's "Proud Clod" begins to attack)
Vincent: Damn. Where the hell is Cloud?
Cid: I heard that he was attacked by some type of mech.
Vincent: Oh well. We can take this thing.
(Cid pokes the Proud Clod with his spear)
(The Proud Clod begins to explode)
Scarlet: AYIEE!
Heideggar: Whoa! Damn, this thing sucks.
Scarlet: Can this be happening to the Proud Clod? Use the ejection seats!
Heideggar: But we never tested those....
Scarlet: Who cares?!
(Scarlet and Heideggar eject from the Proud Clod)
(Scarlet's ejection seat malfunctions, and rockets her to space)
(Scarlet goes SPLAT! on the Big Whale's windshield)
Rydia: Wow! Hey, look! A caller splatted on our windshield!
(Rydia takes Scarlet inside)
Scarlet: That hurt.
Rydia: Hello, fellow caller!
Scarlet: Eh? Who, me?
Rydia: Yeah! You have green hair, so you must be a caller!
Scarlet: Cool!
Scarlet (to herself): I wonder if I should tell them that I dyed my hair green......
Meanwhile.....
Bahamut: TERRA FLARE!
Warmech: OUCH!
Bahamut: This is really getting old....
Warmech: That's five. Damn. Three more to go.
Meanwhile.....
Celes: Ha ha ha! My new Vectorian Empire shall conquer the world!
(The Big Whale crushes Celes)
Rydia: Here we are!
(Terra slashes Rydia with her atma weapon. Rydia dies.)
Golbez: Hey! Another caller! She also has green hair!
(Golbez kidnaps Terra, and the Big Whale flies away)
Rydia: Hey! Wait for me!
(The Big Whale crushes Rydia)
Golbez: Rydia? Where are you?
Rydia: ..........%@)($#&*#@)(*$&................
Meanwhile........
Bahamut: TERRA FLARE!
Warmech: Ouch!
Bahamut: Only two more to go....
Meanwhile.......
(The Big Whale lands on the planet of....... CHRONO TRIGGER! It lands in front of Magus' castle)
Rydia: Hello? Any callers here?
Ozzie: Ozzie?
Rydia: Are you a caller?
Golbez: Well, it sure is very..... green.....
Ozzie: Ozzie Pants!
Rydia: Do you think it's a caller?
Ozzie: Ozzie Pants!
Kaeli: Even if it is, are you sure you want to take him along?
Rydia: Well, we need a male caller, otherwise, this whole trip will be in vain.
Ozzie: Ozzie Pants!
Scarlet: Hey, I ain't marryin' him.
Kaeli: Me neither.
Terra: He's slimy. Ewww......
Ozzie: Ozzie Pants!
Rydia: You're right. Let's get out of here!
(Rydia and the caller gang leave the planet)
Magus: Congratulations, Ozzie. You're the first Caller reject.
Ozzie: Ozzie Pants?
Meanwhile..........
Bahamut: Terra Flare.
Warmech: Ouch.
Bahamut: Damn. I'm running out of breath. Only one more to go.
Cloud: ZZZZZZZZ..............
Meanwhile......
(The Big Whale lands on the "Secret of Mana" planet! It lands in a dessert)
Rydia: Hello? Heeeelllllooooooooo.........
Scarlet: Gee, all I can see is dessert for miles.
Rydia: Hmm.
Kaeli: Hello, mister cactus!
(Kaeli begins talking to a cactus)
Terra: She's freaky.....
Golbez: It would appear that no one is here.
(A mech bike crashes into Scarlet and explodes)
Scarlet: Oooof! What the hell?
Geshtar: Ouch! Stupid bike. Always malfunctioning.
Rydia: Golbez! Look! A male caller!
Geshtar: Eh?
(Rydia looks at Geshstar's green hair)
Golbez: Hooray! We finally found a male caller! Now we can go home.
Geshtar: What the hell are you people talking about?
Kaeli: I don't like this guy very much.
Scarlett: Wow!
(Scarlett studies Geshtar's bike)
(Geshtar's bike explodes)
Scarlett: What the hell is wrong with that thing?
Rydia: Oh well. Let's go home.
Meanwhile.....
Bahamut: M....eg......a......... Fl........a.........re.
Warmech: Ouch.
Bahamut: Whew! I'm done!
Warmech: Hooray!
(Warmech kills Cloud)
Bahamut: Well, I'd better start heading home.
Meanwhile.......
Rydia: Lord Bahamut! We're back!
Golbez: And we found a whole bunch of callers!
Tiamat: Really? Cool! Lunchtime!
Golbez: Eh?
Tiamat: Surprise! 'Tis I, the great Tiamat!
(Tiamat rips off his Bahamut costume, and eats all of the Callers)
Tiamat: Burp!
Golbez: Hey!
(Golbez rips everyone out of Tiamat's mouth)
ServantF and ServantM: Thank you very much!
(ServantF and ServantM runs away before Tiamat can eat them again)
Tiamat: Well, you can't defeat me!
(Bahamut enters)
Bahamut: Tiamat! What's going on?
Tiamat: Uh oh. Was that eight Terra Flares already?
Bahamut: TIAMAT! How dare you!
(Bahamut eats Tiamat)
Tiamat: What the hell? You never ate people before!
Bahamut: Well, I was hungry after all of those Terra Flares.
Rydia: Lord Bahamut!
Bahamut: Hey! Cool! Rydia found more callers!
Rydia: But there's not enough to keep the caller race going....
Scarlett: I ain't marryin' Geshtar!
Kaeli: Me neither!
Terra: Yeah! That guy is freaky.
Geshtar: Hey, wait a minute.....
Bahamut: Oh well. If it really means that much to you, I'll make more callers.
Rydia: What!?
Bahamut: Hey, I made the summoned monsters, didn't I? Making callers is a cinch!
Rydia: You mean, all of this time, you could have just MADE more callers?!
Bahamut: Pretty much.
(Rydia slaps Bahamut)