(Shinobi Wutai Pagoda. Yuffie is going over her "things-to-do-list")
Yuffie: Sigh...
Shake (Yuffie's evil vertically challenged arch-nemesis): Hey! Watcha doing? You seem pretty depressed.
Yuffie: Go away, punk!
Shake: Come on! What is it?
Yuffie: I've just been depressed, lately.
Shake: Hmm....
(Shake reads Yuffie's list)
1. Steal Cloud's Materia
2. Steal everyone else's materia
3. Run like hell
4. Steal Cloud's Materia, again
5. Try to take over the World
6. Find a way to gather up the courage to ask Cloud out on a date
7. Steal Cloud's Materia on the date
8. Steal Cloud's Materia without Cloud noticing
9. And finally......
Shake: Steal Cloud's Materia?
Yuffie: Oh shut up.
Shake: It seems to me that you need more variety in your life.
Yuffie: I have a lot of variety in my life! Now, if you mind, I'm off to steal Cloud's materia.
Shake: ..... Do you know what you need?
Yuffie: Materia?
Shake: No, not materia, you moron! You need some work. Something else to do.
Yuffie: I'm not a moron...
Shake: Besides, if you just keep slouching off like this, you'll become as lazy as your father.
Yuffie: My dad isn't lazy!
Lord Godo (Yuffie's father): Zzzzzzz.....
Shake: Well....
Yuffie: Hmm....
(Turtles Paradise, the official Wutai place to get drunk)
Staniv (A friend to the Kisaragi family): Well, Yuffie. I could set you up with a job as a bartender or something here, since the I know the owner of the Turtle's Paradise, but you must make me three promises.
Yuffie: Sure!
Staniv: First of all, you're a underage, so DON'T DRINK ANY ALCHOHOL BEVERAGES! Lord Godo would really give me hell for that....
Yuffie: Sure!
Staniv: Second of all, don't go near the cabinet that's marked, "Illegal Drugs," okay? Even I'm not allowed to go near that.
Yuffie (not paying much attention): Sure!
Staniv: Finally, um..... er..... well.... I guess that's it. Good luck!
(Staniv leaves)
Yuffie: Cool....
(The next day)
Yuffie: Oh wow! My first day of work!
(Yuffie chugs down a Paradise Cocktail)
Yuffie: Oh wow! Look at all of the pretty colors!
(Yuffie walks around in a daze for two hours)
(Reno, Rude, and Elena walk in)
Reno: Ah, Wutai. My favorite resort town.
Yuffie: Wutai isn't just a resort town!
Rude: Yeah, whatever. Just get us some drinks.
Yuffie: Sure!
(Yuffie heads over to the cabinets behind the counter)
Yuffie: Gee... Maybe I should have learned how to mix drinks before I took this job.
(Yuffie opens the "illegal drugs" cabinet and stares at all of the bottles)
Yuffie: Oh well. As long as it doesn't kill them, right?
Elena: Service!
Yuffie: Yeah! I'm coming! Here, three paradise.... um.... coketails!
Rude: What's a coketail?
Yuffie: Find out, why dontcha?
(Rude drinks the "coketail")
Rude: Hey, not bad.
Reno: This stuff is pretty good.
Elena: Rude? Reno? Are you sure you should be drinking that?
Rude: Lighten up, Elena.
Elena: You look funny. And you smell weird.
Rude: Wha?
Elena: What did you put into that stuff?
Yuffie: Um....Well....
(Rude and Reno are square dancing together)
Yuffie: Uh oh.
Elena: I've never seen those two get that drunk on one cocktail....
Yuffie: Coketail.
Elena: Whatever! How much alchohol was in those drinks?
(Rude and Reno are passed out on the floor)
Yuffie: Gawd. Can this get any worse?
(Cloud and the avalanche gang walk in)
Tifa: Why are we here? The drinks I mix are the best!
Yuffie: Gee, I dunno. Those two really seem to like the drink I mixed up.
(Rude and Reno are taking deep sniffs of some "coketails")
Yuffie: Wanna try one?
Tifa: Um..... no.
Vincent: Milk, please.
Cid: Ha ha ha! Wuss boy always has to get his little carton of milk, now doesn't he?!
(Vincent shoots Cid)
Cid: Ack! You &%@)(*&$)$#@()&*()!* lousy piece
of &%()@#)*@ son of a &%*()@( mother!(#$)*)*$#()*!
Yuffie: Wow!
(Yuffie grabs out a notepad and starts recording the new vocabulary)
Vincent: Get me my milk!
Cid: Tea.
Vincent: Tea? TEA!? HA HA HA! Girly man wants some tea! Why? For your tea party?
Cid: &%$@)(*&%$) Vincent!
(Cid pokes Vincent with his spear)
Vincent: Ouch!
(Vincent transforms into a huge monster and eats Cid)
Yuffie: Here's your milk.
Huge monster: Thanks.
(Vincent drinks the milk)
Cid: %$()@! YOU GOT MILK ALL OVER ME YOU %$)#$*@#)!
Yuffie: Here's your tea, Cid.
Cid: Thanks.
(A hand reaches out of Demon Vincent's mouth and grabs the tea)
Cloud: So, anything happen, lately?
Yuffie: Well, I got this cool job as a bartender at the Turtle's Paradise.
Cloud: Yeah, I see that.
Yuffie: Would you like a drink?
(Cloud glances over at Reno and Rude, who are approaching Elena like zombies)
Reno: Brains.... Must eat Elena's brains...
Elena: HEEEEELP!
Cloud: Um..... no.
Yuffie: Drat.
Tifa: Cloud? Can we go, now?
Cloud: Huh? Oh, sure.
Yuffie: I can't help but think that today is going nowhere.
(Everyone leaves. Elena has to drag Reno and Rude out)
Yuffie: BORING! Now I'm all alone!
(Yuffie sits at the counter for the next ten hours)
(The next day...)
Cloud: Yuffie!
Yuffie (waking up from the counter): Huh?
Cloud: I just realized five minutes ago that you stole all of my materia!
Yuffie: Um...
Cloud: Well? Give it back!
Yuffie: Hey, Cloud? Wanna try a new drink that I mixed up
yesterday while you were gone?
Cloud: Huh?
(Yuffie grabs out a bottle)
Yuffie: I call it, "CLOUD COLA!"
Cloud: Hmm....
(Cloud looks at the alchohol content)
Cloud: Five-Hundred BAC. Sounds good.
Yuffie: Great!
(Yuffie holds the bottle over a cup. A large solid chunk of slime oozes out and slops into the cup)
Cloud: Um, on second thought, maybe I'll take a rain check on that.
Yuffie: Nonsense!
(Yuffie jams the large solid thing down Cloud's throat)
Cloud: Gag!
(Cloud chokes for a while, then stops and looks around)
Cloud: Hey, I can still see. It passed the first test. I didn't go blind!
Yuffie: Want some more?
Cloud: Um..... no.
Yuffie: Sure you do!
(Yuffie jams another piece of Cloud Cola down Cloud's throat)
Cloud: Urk!
Yuffie: Want some more?
Cloud: NOOOOO!
Yuffie: Sure you do!
(Cloud runs away)
Yuffie: DAMMIT! Well, at least I got to keep his materia.