PLANKTON ARE YOUR FRIENDS

01/31 There's some gibberish for you if you haven't already checked out the recent Word of the Week.  If you have, then I guess the title will have to be considered something in the way of bonus. If you haven't, I'll have to kill you. Go read it! Then come read this. If you're here, you know you'll take orders... I hope you'll take orders...Come on, take orders, damn you! Bah. Fine, just read this then. Okay, please read this? I mean, I am writing it for the purposes of someone else reading it. It'll just rot here otherwise... Think about it! The paper will turn... yellow... yes, that's it... Yellow. Okay, so there's no basis in fact for that... But it could happen! And until you can disqualify that, you'll just have to read on in case I say something pertinent. Which chances are, I won't.

Lonely? Depressed? Oh well.

castomel@hotmail.com

Bored? Ugly? Look no further.

The Archives

THE MUSEUM: COOL SINCE 1985

There's nothing like going somewhere and discovering that one of those little half-connected visual images from early childhood has an actual basis in reality.  That was the fun encountered at the Royal Ontario Museum, which I went to for the first time since i was 11 or so on Friday.  With my attention span vastly increased, I was able to marvel at a number of cool-ass things I hadn't seen since I was about six, such as the nifty dinosaur exhibit. It's really quite frightening how much the pelvic bones of some dinosaurs resemble sledgehammers.  At any rate, the best part of the evening occurred when the dude at the beehive explained to us the mysterious workings of a bee colony.  Being in a slightly non-sober state at the time, the lecture seemed vastly more interesting than it might otherwise have, although I suspect our glazed expressions may have induced the dude who went on at length about the wonderful world of bees to talk to us in the first place. To give you an idea of my mental state at the time, I  managed somehow to derive from his explanation that the paint they used to mark the queen represented some sort of lottery which immediately raised the chosen bee to glory...Bah. I'm sure I read somewhere that a bunch of queen eggs are laid and the first one to hatch gets to be queen. It's how African killer bees kill our poor, innocent European ones.  Illogic aside, bees quickly took the backseat to the Black Mamba, a vicious and exaggeratedly deadly snake.  One of our friends, who had an unhealthy tendency to run into the Royal Conservatory of Music and yell "to the Conservatory!" had us half convinced these things would defend their territory at any cost with deadly, deadly venom and super-athletic manouvers. Not a particularly pleasant thought when wandering through a snake exhibit, but kind of funny once it got past the point of believability. And to top things off, I saw a rat the size of a small kitten that was coloured much like my old hamster. Yes, a good evening, in all... provided that rat stays his ass over at the freaking museum. I can live without one that big cavorting about my room...

ORDER OF OPERATIONS

1.  Rats not exactly as shown.

2. Maarvel at the bees, and all the healthy bee-eater birds hanging around the bee escape hatch.

3. Black Mamba or caterpillar? You decide...

RUSSIANS: DRINKING VODKA AND DOING CRAZY SHIT SINCE 1214

You know... Diplomatic immunity is kind of a silly concept in some respects.  It effectively gives people a kill-someone-free card. Sure, you get turfed out of the country and sent back to Russia(literally speaking, in this case) but if you don't like Hal from down the street, or the fishmonger who looked at you funny, or two old ladies walking down the street with a dandified chihuahua, then heck, you can just go ice fishing, get roaring drunk, and then drive along the sidewalk at will! Heck, kill the little rat-dog while you're at it; then the newspapers will have even more to be outraged at.  If nothing else, you'll give them a nice break from the monotony of trying desparately to slow down the economy by talking about how the economy should be slowing down anytime now.  I just love that. They've been dutifully at it for about four months now, and it's only now begininning to have a slight effect.  They're trotting out weird statistics they never otherwise have to use, and gearing up for the recession that probably won't happen. Unfortunately, people are just too hooked on spending money right now. Oh, well.  The only reason a recession would even be 'necessary' is so that all the poor people can feel like things are getting better once we come out of it, so what's the point, really? There isn't one- just like with diplomatic immunity.  Damn, that guy must've had a ton of vodka if he was tooling down the sidewalk... And it's kind of funny how he gets off scot-free, just like that Chinese dude out in Vancouver who was assaulting people for fun and profit. At any rate, maybe Russia will prosecute him, assuming they can scrape together enough money to pay for the court proceedings. If not, it's not particularly a big deal; old ladies with no reflexes are bound to get hit by buses eventually anyway, and if there's anything the world needs fewer of, it's chihuahuas. Or Lhaso Apsos. Or anything else that looks like its face has been pre-smashed in and covered with a dustmop to compensate. Yes, yapdogs suck. And vodka rules. But I guess condoning drinking, driving, and doing so on crowded sidewalks is unconscionable, so I won't. Still, you'd think they could've jumped out of the way....

Awww.. how could I stay mad at you?

THE LEAFS: SHITTY SINCE 1967

Hmm. Another spectacular fallapart is in the works. There just isn't any hope, I'm afraid. On the bright side, the baseball season starts in only a few weeks. Or two months. Whatever. At any rate, the real reason for this section is a discussion of the Super Bowl, which was adequate as far as games went, but had a halftime show from hell. I'll go on the record here as saying I don't particularly like the slutbag look, so Britney Spears didn't really do it for me there. Additionally, Aerosync was the most disturbing, disgusting, and otherwise revolting display of selling out.  I don't know which was worse; that FREAK with his spark gloves(upon consulting the fan site, he  turns out to be Justin Timberlake, so maybe the sparks were to make all the fangirls melt) or Steve Tyler in a yellow jumpsuit. It was just pure awful and everything that's wrong with everything.  On the bright side, the Ravens defense was crushingly good, and there was even spiffy camerawork. Still, they kind of underused it. It was cool to see the rotating shots in slow motion, but they really could have used the cameras in a more.. real time way. ...Eugh. Spark gloves... sapping will.. to talk.. about superbowl... Watched Survivor... after... Even... worse... Stupid... Debb... Muarg. Okay, I think I've recovered from that. At any rate, looking forward to baseball, wishing the Leafs would stop sucking, and really wishing I'd had the good sense to leave the room before the halftime show came on. Yes, that about sums everything up.  A little TOO well, I think(largely because this isn't quite long enough.  Wait for it... wait for it... Ah, there we go. Almost to the bottom. I suppose this'll do.) Yay me!

They may suck, but at least they don't shoot sparks.

AND IN CONCLUSION

Wheehee.  So the third part sucked hardcore... What do you want? I can't be good 100% of the time, and sometimes I just don't have anything worthwhile to say. I think Intrepid Baby does, however, so I'm going to shut up now : ).

INTREPID BABY SAYS:

What? Useful? Me? Never! I refuse categorically to rant in a useful fashion, and you should too! Now fetch me a fresh bottle of milk! I can't preen without milk! This blue background just isn't the right shade to go with this outfit, so I need a nice, giant blue bottle of milk to go with it. Now go!

Go Home! Inmediately!