MORBO DEMANDS FOOD!

02/11 I highly recommend the above statement when stoned. For some reason, it's just aesthetically pleasing, and I just couldn't stop saying it, or things like it, last night. Of course, I was also unreasonably freaked out by a small plastic rabbit, so I guess this could just be a personal thing, but even so... even so.  So now that that's out of my system, what's up with my horrible eleven day intermittency? I dunno... I've been kinda sluggardly lately, and although I did manage to do all manner of things in the intervening space, every time I sat down to update this, my computer either froze or I got bored within seconds of starting it.  At any rate, this is no excuse. It's time to sally forth and fill this bastard up with all the ranting that's fit to be seen! And on that note, I'll cut out the lamitudes, since I think I've managed to fill this space without hardly talking about filling it, which is an accomplishment in itself, really.

Lonely? Depressed? Oh well.

castomel@hotmail.com

Bored? Ugly? Look no further.

The Archives

BELOIG PER STOICH MES TARGVEL POINK DESMOKO

Well, normally I'd insert a salient anecdote here, but I'm pretty sure I'm fresh out. That said, lemme just think if I can scrounge one up. Lessee.....Well, for now I'm just going to bitch about freaking email and the way it piles up.  I leave it alone for about 2 days, and all of a sudden I've got two piles of mail: The ones promising me all manner of things, be they U N I V E R S I T Y  D i p l o m a s, better sex fast, a way out of debt, seventeen different shades of credit card, and the blank ones, which are the most fun of all, and then the pile of stupid, annoying forwarded messages. I'm sure you've all dealt with the wonders of bulk mail, so there's no real point in harping on that. Suffice to say that I'm going for the U N I V E R S I T Y  D i p l o m a the hard way. At any rate, the main bone of contention that exists here is the fact that one of these annoyances managed to clog up my email account so entirely that I ran out of space. Gee, thanks. All those nude pics of Disney characters were SO worth it. I just cracked the hell up seeing all them cartoon badasses badassing it up. Disney hardcore? Who thinks this stuff up? Idiots? At any rate, the real stupidity lies in the number of times this crap has been forwarded, as evidenced by the long list. This is just one type of forward: the "hey, this is funny cuz it's a picture and it's in EMAIL!" These are things people probably wouldn't even look at otherwise, but because it's in their freaking email, they laugh and call it funny, even though it so obviously isn't. At any rate, then there's the worded derivative of this, usually a pile of jokes centering around the boorishness of men, the self-extravagance of women, or some variation hereof.  These are only slightly less annoying; fortunately, they occupy much less space, so they're less of a nuisance. Next on the slate there's the sappy, gushy, inspirational blather. This, of course, is usually surrounded with some promise of true love(provided it's forwarded 500 times in the next 10 minutes) or the equally poignant promise of grisly death by bus if it isn't sent.  This sort of threat also ends up on the chain mail style forwards, which are by far the most annoying of these insults to decency.  The other annoying part of those is their tendency to be prefaced with "Gee, guys, I know you HATE bulk mail, but I just had to send this one." or "It really works! Try it!" or "I didn't THINK it would work but now I'm a billionaire!".  Right. I believe you. Now go back and suck on the stupid stick a little longer- I don't think it worked quite well enough. Lord, I hate forwarded emails, but everyone persists in perpetuating them anyway. All it takes is one giddy moron with a computer that thinks the internet is something that comes magically sealed in a box, and refers to it as "My internet" to keep the whole bloody cycle going, so unfortunately this sort of junk will continue to recur. Ah, well. What can I do? Mail bombs are terribly expensive, and I can't very well go all the way to Guelph or New Brunswick, so I suppose I'll just bide my time.

Just in case you were wondering, this quote is pure gibberish. I suppose Per is a word in some languages, but let's think context, people! Context....

I am Birdtor! Mweih!

Note: For those interested in a connecting theme to the captions, title and anecdote, please consult irrelevance. It has the answers you're looking for.

Yes, pure, simple irrelevance. Nothing a cat in a miniature bathtub won't cure.

IF THERE'S ONE THING I HATE...

It's dumb bitches. And if there's one thing I hate even more, it's SMUG dumb bitches, chiefly the one whose ugly mug was emblazoned across the Toronto Sun several days ago with what was easily the most self-satisfied smirk I've ever seen. The very sight of it made me want to kick her in the face, but let's just move along from there so I can go on about just why she deserves to be killed. Or at least maimed. Okay. Here goes: During December, at the Sutton Realty Christmas party, this honky, short-longed, stupid, wretched excuse for a dumb bitch decided to get plastered and make a big ass of herself. Now I have no objection to sensible (or at least funny, or at least non-subhuman) people getting loaded, because they are at least blessed with souls. This woman's IQ, unfortunately, sneaks in just below the soul line, and so predictably, she got ass-backwards drunk, refused all requests for a ride home, and drove over to a bar where she proceeded to get MORE drunk, since that's just what she needed.  Then, after getting herself well and truly sloshed(no doubt to the intense discomfort and irritation of any unfortunate enough to come within a mile of her) she got back in her car. Yes, BACK IN HER FLIPPING CAR! Then, also predictably, she went and smashed up the car. As a fringe benefit, her face got mashed and I think she suffered some horrifically emotionally trying injury that she freaking deserved. Ahem. But I'm getting ahead of myself here. So, Drinkin' and drivin's bad, right? Well, evidently, our judicial system has been watching that stupid Italian court that ruled a woman wearing tight jeans can't be raped because the jeans imply consent and that sexual harrassment in the office is okay as long as it's "spontaneous" and "infrequent", because instead of hauling this harridan off to jail where she belongs, they awarded her 300,000 dollars for her suffering. Oh, there's some consistency for you!  First plaster the media with all the horrors of drinking and driving, and tell everyone how awful it is. Then, just to make yourself look completely stupid as fuck, make a judgment like this.  I mean, really! Why in their right minds would they have ruled against Sutton in any way shape or form? 25% liability my ass! They offered her a ride, she declined. I hardly see how that places them at fault for her ridiculous stupidity, particularly in view of the fact she promptly went to a bar afterwards and got herself more tanked. I guess it just goes to show that the dumb bitch demograph rules society, cuz you can bet if that was anyone else, from any other background, they would've been looking at a suspension of their license and a couple months in jail. But no... Perhaps fearing her shrill, shrill voice, the courts buckled under like the weak-ass excuse for a justice system they are and gave her the money. Way to go! I'll remember this next time I'm drunk and thinking of getting behind the wheel. Of course, I don't drive, so that'll be never, and besides, the commercials taught me too well. Even so, I can't help but hope an enterprising piano happens to fall on this harpy while she's out spending her ill-gooten money.

ORDER OF OPERATIONS

1. Get drunk as fuck. Repeat as necessary.

2. Whoever said necessary was any fun? Go to a bar, you dumb cunt!

3. Get rich quick.. buy more booze. Hopefully liver rot will get you. All you deserve is a painful death.

Th3  XFL r0XX0rz my b0XX0rz

Oh, goody. Football and Wrestling, together at last. I don't really know why I capitalized those, but I guess I could make something up to justify it. That, however, would justify justification, which this combination of sports really doesn't deserve, so tangental reference will keep me from attempting a justification. Ahem. Anyway, the XFL crawled out from under a dead log last week, and was quickly proclaimed by a bunch of stupid Americans to blow the CFL away. Then they promptly went off, screwed their sisters some more, and stopped watching. The ratings fell off by half this weekend, and you've got to figure they're gonna keep dropping. It's like some American dude with actual common sense said: "There's not enough lame scripted garbage to keep the wrestling fans interested, and there's too much lame scripted garbage for real football fans to put up with." Well, well well.  I personally couldn't give a damn either way, but it just strikes me as funny that someone would make a declaration like that, particularly when the main focus in the games is on just how scantily clad you can make a cheerleader without offending the FCC. Not that there's anything wrong with that. It's just not football. At any rate, wrestling is all the hooey the world needs, so hopefully this pathetic excuse for a league will fold up in short order, returning the cheerleaders to where they belong- the porn sites! Oh yeah... for the record, this is based entirely on hearsay. I've never actually watched an XFL game, so for all I know it could be great. I prefer to judge ahead of time, though. Preconceptions are so much easier to work with.  Let's move along, shall we?

Now where did I put my brain?

AND IN CONCLUSION

Stupid boring January... it really wasn't conducive to columnumning. Oh, well. This is gonna have to suffice, I'm afraid. I promise, more coherence next time, and who knows, the Intrepid baby back ribs might even make a return!

INTREPID BABY SAYS:

Hmm.. this does not bode well.. those ribs will certainly be the death of me.  I must consult Sunny LaMorte! And perhaps my scheming Minister. Scheming is needed! .. And also Plebes. You always need Plebes for a good scheme. So... Plebes are needed!

INTREPID BABY, AFTER A SUITABLE INTERMITTENT PERIOD, MAKES THE FOLLOWING HOLLOW THREATS:

Oh, I see... so you're too lazy to furnish me with proper minions? YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS YOU SOULLESS TROUT! I WILL CRUSH YOU LIKE THE INSECTLIKE CREATURE YOU ARE! AT LEAST I WILL AFTER I GET MY DIAPER CHANGED! NOW GO! YOU DISGUST ME!

THE INTREPID BABY BACK RIBS SAY:

I'm delicious! And still simmering!

Go Home! Inmediately!