The Inaugural Update of Log's World

04/18

Well, I've grown bored with whiling away my hours with Quake 3, and since i keep getting trashed by my friend's little brother (>:( you know who you are, punkass... if you're reading this, I will defeat you... some day...) I figured I could get more entertainment out of actually making something of this space, which has, after all, been collecting virtual dust for virtually two years.  Yes, I know that's a lame term.  Yes, I know I'm far too lazy to keep this up.  No, you can't laugh at me yet.  Fuckballs... anyway, now that I've (temporarily, at least) shut up anyone I know, time to introduce myself. 

I am Job.

Wait.  Nevermind.  I am Log.  I knew it was something with one word and no class.  See, I developed the unfortunate habit of signing my last name, Long, minus the "n"-- which is to say, the 'n' was rather difficult to distinguish.  Oh, all right... I may have completely forgotten it once, but that shouldn't really matter, now should it? 

Anyhow, starting off a mindless raving with "I am Log" is hardly an auspicious way to begin things, so I figured I'd come up with some clever yet kind of obscure line.  If you've watched enough lame movies you should pick up on it, but if not... well, then, here's a hint:

Moving along, if that particular picture hasn't sworn you off reading this forever, then congratulations... you made it.  Where, I don't really know... I'm not planning this ahead or anything... just sort of writing it as it happens.  Which is rather bad, on the whole, for the flow of this work, but hey... I don't have to hand it in, so what do I care?  Not as if I had dignity or anything. 

My motivation might be worth mentioning here; as I said, I was sitting here getting progressively more bored looking at ancient articles on various websites of indifferent quality and wondering why my own page wasn't at least readable.  Then it hit me- my page sucked shit! It was a lame assortment of shitty pictures that weren't really worth looking at, and hell, I was talking like a goof. 

Fear me! I am demonic! Let me eat your brain!  You are living dregs!

Interesting how some things don't change, eh? Ahem.  Anyways,  I should probably explain about myself.  I really, really, should.  However, as you probably don't give a damn,  I don't think I'll give you the satisfaction of scrolling down past my self description.  Suffice to say I'm 18.  The rest you can probably infer.  Or at least make up... it's more entertaining that way.  So, lame captions aside, I'll keep going here... I can only dig myself in deeper.  Note how often I use "..." It's probably as irritating as hell, isn't it? Well screw you.  I like tailing off into nothing.  It prevents me from saying stupid things that will make me sound dumb. 

Look! This could be me! I could be a pygmy goat, chewing grass, tin cans, and anything that moves by day, writing lame bullshit by night!
Actually, this isn't me. This is Thadwick the Goat.  He's pleased to meet you. 

THINGS ABOUT WHICH YOU SHOULD NOT CARE BUT MAY IF YOU'RE EXTREMELY BORED

You know what's really irritating? Midnight Mint gum.  This stuff has a flavour that 90% of the population can't stand, and the rest won't buy it cuz the other flavours are better. Yet, the freaking cafeteria at my school decided that it would be a wise marketing decision to jam 5 boxes of the shit out for people to eat with two boxes of good flavours and the other 11 or so of the so-so types.  This is the same sort of thing that happens with candy.  You get a bag full of whatever, be it jellybeans or winegums, and no sooner do you open it then do forty pieces of black licorice, along with a couple of cherry and some lumps of hair and cheese that accidentally got stuck in the package, fall out.  Now, nobody in their right mind could POSSIBLY want to eat those freakin' black jellybeans, and yet they jam a million of them in every package! Man, that pisses me off, mostly cuz I couldn't get decent gum today(because the two boxes of good stuff sold out in the first ten seconds of lunch hour, which I can't get to, my pre-lunch class being on the other end of the school), and when I did get some, two thirds of it was promptly mooched. >: ( Good old friends... one of them even had the nerve to defend black licorice.  To him I say... your mother.  To which he would probably say something lame, but hey, your mother is a pretty lame insult itself.  

Just look at this... it's Midnight Mint lurking in this package, no doubt... just a small mistake with the labelling. I almost had to buy this stuff today, but fortunately they restocked one (yeehaw) box of theWinterfresh or Wintermint or whatever it's called,  so I was spared the indignity of mediocre gum.  In conclusion, candy in Hell is probably black licorice flavoured.

My evil friend looks kind of like the blond one, except male.. and not a ninja.  Fine, there's no resemblance... I just really wanna piss him off on the off-chance he ever reads this : )

To fill this space, I'll call on the wisdom of my Grade 12 History Teacher, whose entire body of quotations will eventually be located on this site.  "The cool kids are in Bobby's basement, freaking out!"
- Doug Annan, sometime teacher

Well, the Blue Jays lost again.  This is becoming a rather disturbing trend, although they're still an invaluable asset if you do over/under betting.  I blame one person: Gord Ash.  His lame assertions that Toronto actually has pitching are evidenced in their falsehood with each passing game.  On the other hand, we're missing the real reason everyone should hate him: he's a big dumb jerk.  He also looks like a pig, which is a definite minus for anyone who needs to have fairly frequent pictures of themselves taken.  This has been a problem which Toronto newspapers have been struggling with for quite some time, and they've come up with a rather novel solution.  Since Ash is so grotesquely fat, over the years, they've progressively raised the lower edge of the photographs, until this week, the end came.  From the humble unflattering waist-to-head shot beginnings of five years ago, to the looking-heartattacular chest level up pics of two years ago to last year's shameful retreat to the neck and higher, this year he's finally hit rock-bottom, with the always-execrable head-at-wacky-angle-to-cover-up-the-fact-that-I-weigh-600-pounds-and-have-fourteen-chins picture.  While I couldn't find that particular photo, and since I'm way too lazy to actually scan it out of the newspaper, I do have at least one picture of the fat man, from his phase last year of trying-to-look-dignified-through-removing-colour phase.  While it does cover up the ruddy red that typically announces incipient congestive heart failure, it still achieves the effect of making him look like a fatass.  But don't take it from me... have a look!(Notice how it's retouched to eliminate 70% of his right shoulder)

I am so fat, I am so fat..

... yeah, I know it's childish to make fun of someone's weight.  I could go on about how he's mismanaged the Jays so admirably over the past five years, but you can't really take my word for it.. I'm still bitter he let Alomar go, even though Alomar's just so-so now. Thus, the fat jokes stand.

Oh, well.  At least the Leafs are good.  Which is more than I can say for the Sabres.  Poor old whiney Buffalo fans... it's almost as if their teams are looking to give them cause to go into extended whine mode... makes you wonder.  Alas, that'd be starting up the ol' chicken and the egg routine, and I wouldn't want to do that.  Not around Easter. 

This logo's so good it gets its own background.

Man oh man... you should hear these bastards whine... You'd think somebody had taken a giant dick and shoved it up the city's ass the way they talk...

PRESENTING: THE SIDE CAPTION

For Easter, that forgotten holiday that people just don't spend enough money buying useless crap for, say you mean it with some useless crap... like this crystal bunny.  Besides being ugly, this thing is also a lame piece of commercial garbage and should be destroyed.  On the other hand, it is made of glass, so if someone gives it to you, you can always just drop it and act sad for a couple weeks.

Anyhow, that's all for today.  I've fleshed this thing out pretty good, so if anyone actually made it this far, at least they'll have learned something.  What, I'm not really sure... maybe a lame quote from my history teacher, a few hidden references to Cantonese Entertainment Weekly, an absolute sinkwell of excellent quotes, and possibly why Toronto sports are so Leafcentric.  Anyhow, in case you care, I'll post more soon, and hey, send me email... I'll respond! The only catch is, you'll have to read these ramblings again to see it >:)
Anyhow, that's all for now.

Send me email, damn you! Castomel@Hotmail.com

Go back to the Front Page... Cedric does get awfully lonely, after all.