FINE-FREAKING-ALLY!!!
05/17
Well... Happy Birthday to me... I finally got this stupid thing to work again after my computer decided to screw around with the security options in Netscape all by itself. Remind me to kill it sometime, cuz that was REALLY a pain in the ass. I wanted to update 3 days ago, too... Anyhow, at least I got more junk to talk about now. My sincerest apologies, at any rate, to anyone who actually reads this stuff on a regular basis. Mountie hats for everyone!
For the record, this is actually the whole mountie. On the other hand, I don't really have a mountie hat to give away anyway, so it was just an outlandish claim. Ah, well.
BUSTED
ORDER OF OPERATIONS
Well, my life in the shadowy world o' underage drinking finally caught up to me. On Saturday night, as my friends and I wandered the streets on our way to 7-11, we were sidetracked by the enormous appeal of the invitingly low roof of a local furniture store which will remain nameless (no, it's not where I work). Anyway, one of my friends managed to wander around the back and climb up on the roof, so the rest of us naturally went to find him. Unfortunately, as it turns out, a convenient ladder made access to the roof a breeze, and oblivious to the evil security guard patrolling the parking lot, several of us made our way up onto the roof. I proceeded to run around like an idiot, while my friends made off with a flag, as well as some other flags that had been knocked over in a storm the night before. Well, by that time, the stupid security guard, operating on the half-baked theory that we were going to break into the store through the air-conditioning unit on the roof (??!??) had alerted the cops, so three squad cars and a fire truck had already arrived on the vicinity. We finally got down from the roof(I had minor difficulties with the getting down part, as fear of heights managed to override my severe inebriation), and my one friend, after running around with the flag blowing in the wind for a few minutes, planted the flag in the ground. The other one, unfortunately, had a couple of flags still in his arms, and for some reason, I had a cloak in my arms(it was cold, and it was the first thing I found in my closet :p ) And right then the cops blocked off the exit. Ugh. What follows is the conversation with the officer I'll call Asshole Cop, to the best of my recollection, as well as those of my friends.
1. See the building back there? Low roof? Dude with green hair across the lawn? That's the one we went up. There were a couple of trucks with some goofballs from Anderson CVI(a local high school) between them smoking weed, incidentally. They cleared out when the cops showed up.
AN INTERVIEW WITH A BIG ASSHOLE
2. My friends made off with several flags. No, not American flags. Heaven forbid an American flag ever be desecrated, whether by storm or by drunken bum... I got this picture off a site dedicated to glorifying this flag and the legalization of burning at stake of those who wreck up flags. Rabid, no?
CAST OF CHARACTERS:
AC: Asshole Cop NC1: Nice Cop 1
ACP: Asshole Cop's Partner NC2: Nice Cop 2
AL: Me RC: Roof Cop
AM: My friend K9: Canine Unit
JD: My second friend SS: Stupid Security Guard
BH: My third friend
DT: My fourth friend
3. These three disturbing fellows piled out of a car and demanded we bend over and put our hands in the air. Well, not actually... but I once again have to lament the surprising locations of porn sites... especially male porn :X.
SETTING: Parking lot. Cold. Several squad cars in vicinity. Fire Truck also. Furniture store nearby. Did I mention cold?
ACP(Gets out of car): So, what're you boys doing here?
AC(Storms out of car): Yeah... what's going on? Where'd you get that flag, man?
AM: Uh.. uh.. I found it on the ground back there.
note: This is the classic maneuvre as seen on COPS... you know the "Whose pants are those?" "What pants, these aren't my pants..." exchange. It doesn't work on TV, and it doesn't work in real life :)
AC: When you gonna stop lying to us, buddy? I saw you on the fuckin' roof!(Moves forward threateningly)
AM: All right, I got it on the roof... (looks dumbfounded).
AC(Getting self worked up): All right, jerks... who was on the roof here? Were you? (Points at JD)
JD: Me? Uh... well, what do you mean?
AM: Yeah, he was on the roof(sighing)
AC: You, get over there(points to beside AM, who has been moved over by the squad car. Two more cops arrive at this point, exit vehicle. Two more on roof stick heads over edge)
ACP: What's going on up there? Any damage?
RC: No, nothing wrong up here... (looks nonplussed, mostly disgusted)
NC1, NC2(Look quite amused, trying not to laugh, staring at us)
AC(Seeing whole evening of assholery falling to tatters, becomes more of a dickhead). All right, there was one more! It was you! (Points to arbirtrary person)
DT: No... actually, I didn't go on the roof...
AC: Well, someone in beige shorts was up there.. was it you or you? (Points to me, DT)
AL: It was me... (Steps forward)
AC: Get over there!(points to other two.)
ACP: All right, I need to see your licenses...(Collects ID from BH, DT, AM, JD)
NC1: Any of you boys ever been in trouble with the law before?(Sounds remarkably like something off a bad tv show)
AC: Yeah, cuz if you have, it'll come out real soon!
BH(earnestly): Well, I got a speeding ticket for going 15 over once...
NC1, 2(Snicker, turn around to avoid being seen laughing)
AC: All right. You three go sit down, you three come over here. (Separates roofees from non-roofees)
You boys know what theft is?
JD: Yes... stealing something.
AC: You're lucky I don't charge you with theft right now... what were you doing up there?
AL: Just running around, mostly... they took some flags.
AC: Hmm.. You boys been drinking? Yep.. can smell it on you.
Nice procedure here, eh? I like how he didn't bother to verify that or anything...
AC: So what were you trying to do, anyway? The air conditioning vent has no top on it... were you trying to break in?
JD:(Looks incredulous) no...
AC: Hmm.. well, what were you thinking? Those flags aren't yours...
AL: I didn't touch any flags...
AC: Uh.. ever heard of guilt by association buddy? It doesn't freaking matter.
ACP: Uh.. Canine unit's here... (radios that there's nothing actually going on... NC1, 2, finished talking to other three, leave, along with RC and all other cops)
AC: You're lucky we didn't get here a few minutes sooner... those dogs are mean, and they would've torn up your backside real good.
K9: (Barks with remarkably good timing)
SS: (Drives by, waving vindictively)
AL, AM(exchange sidelong glance)
At this point, AC swaggers a little, gradually getting to the point while we freeze. He makes JD put the flag back up, looks at the wrecked flag, makes him put that up too, and then writes tickets for all.
THE END
Aren't policemen nice? They all were except for that one, at any rate. So the moral of this story is: never drink while near roofs.
If only I'd had a Pokemon at the time... then I could've shown those cops who's boss! Not that that's legal or anything... just a thought.
AND SO, NOW THAT I DON'T REALLY HAVE ANYTHING ELSE TO TALK ABOUT...
Well, that's that. That was pretty much what I did last week, so there's not too much else to tell. The swaggering part I mentioned up there went on for about 10 minutes, during which we remained silent except one of my friends, who asked a couple of questions about his rights. No real excuse for the cop to be such a jerk, but oh well. Life's like that. Anyway, next update will be sooner, I promise :). Till then, later!
Go Home! Inmediately!
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