STUPID CUSTOMER TRANSCRIPTS

Part 3: Second Blood

June 1st

Another influx of morons decided to grace me with their presence, so, with this page, which, by the way, uses Rambo-inspired enumeration, I will update.

1. How Not To Dispose Of Furniture

Me:  Hello, how may I direct your call?

HNTDOF: Hi, can I speak to deliveries?

Me: Well, I can  help you out with that.  Can I have your order number?

HNTDOF(Gives order number)

Me(checks order) Hmm...looks like you're fifth on the truck for tomorrow. ..

HNTDOF:  What? Oh, no, no, no.. I specifically said that was for delivery today, after 5 PM.

Me: Oh... oops, sorry.  Wrong order... yes, sorry.  You should receive delivery today.

HNTDOF: Well, it better be, because I already dropped my furniture down the fire escape and it's all damaged!

Me: ...(restraining laughter) Well, I can only tell you it'll be there tonight. .

HNTDOF: Ok...(Hangs up)

This problem is one of the more frequent ones that occur where I work, right up there with old people who only put the man's name on all financial records.  People always seem to feel the odd compulsion to do away with previously trusted appliances and furniture BEFORE they actually receive the new stuff.  It's really kind of foolish if you think about it, since anything can happen, and usually does.  In this case, our deliveries department somehow mixed this order up with another, so they did not, in fact, receive anything today, so they might just be hauling their busted garbage back up the fire escape tonight. Ah, well.. them's the breaks, morons.

2. The Spookified Paper Shredder

This particular order was handled by my co-worker, Neelix Herbort(not his real name).

NH: Hello, how are you today?

SPS: Good, thank you.

NH: (Explains paperwork)

SPS: Excuse me? Delivery? I just wanted to reserve the merchandise!...

NH: Well, yes, sir, that's all you're doing.  You're not putting any money down right now.  There's no deposit.  

SPS: Oh, no... I want to be able to pick it up whenever I want... This says it's coming Tuesday.  No, no, I don't want to do this.  No.  (Gets wild-eyed, rips up invoice, stalks out).

(Entire front office starts laughing as soon as he's around the corner)

This is also a common, annoying reaction to paperwork.  People, upon seeing numbers in the thousands of dollars, get spooked and freak out.  Usually, they can be calmed down by salespeople, since they're basically idiots if numbers make them crazy.  It's USUALLY just a matter of the salesperson having soothed them into forgetting all about the dollar signs, and that can usually be redone if the salesperson gets a moment with them.  In conclusion, people are idiots.

FROM THE VAULT OF CLASSICS: August 1998
Hearing Impairment for the Hearing

Me: (Paging over loudspeaker) Attention, if there's a customer in the store by the name of A. Blockson, could you come to the front desk, please? That's A. Blockson, to the front desk...

My coworker DP:(scans floor, sees people staring off into space) Is that them?

Me: I dunno.. they've been sitting there awhile... here, I'll call it out..(Calls name)

**(no response.. customers continue staring blankly into space)

Me: Hmm.. guess not.  I'll try paging it again... (Pages)

**(Still no response.. customers sit there for about 10 minutes, then old man comes up)**

HIH: I've been waiting for half an hour! Has someone processed my order?

Me: Uh.. what's your name, sir?

HIH: A. Blockson.

Me: Oh, yes.. that was me.. I paged three times; didn't you hear me?

HIH: No! I didn't... you didn't page me!

Me: Well, yes I did, actually... three times..

HIH: No, you DIDN'T! I didn't hear it at all!

Me: Well, that TV is on pretty loud.. you probably just didn't hear it...

HIH: No, you didn't page it! I would've heard!

Me:(Snickers) Well, yes, I did, actually... it doesn't matter though..
DP(Also laughing)

HIH: Are you laughing at us?

Me: No...

HIH: You're laughing at us! This is disgraceful! I've half a mind to talk to your manager...

DP: Honestly, sir, we just thought it was a little bit funny.. we were laughing at ourselves, not you.

HIH: Well, that's still very disrespectful. (Huffs about for awhile, signs order, leaves)

Given the increased volume of idiots in my place of work lately, I'm sure this will be updated shortly.

Now... go back to the Main Page for more.