PHASE THREE PLANNING: COMPLETE.
06/14
Yes, I have far too much time on my hands, it's true; however, I do have enough to discuss here to make this a viable update. School's almost over, so soon there'll be updates this frequently... frequently! I just love when I get an excuse to use a word twice in succession :) Anyhow, without further ado, allow me to proceed to the meat of this.. column... if that is your real name!
Oh, wait. I guess as long as I wanna dignify this thing, that is its real name. Curses.
Now here's a couple of characters who know how to disguise themselves, name and all. That moustache would fool anyone, and hell, that dog can dress up like nobody's business! Just look at those skis. I could never tell that dog apart from himself without skis. Go go Gadget.... hmm.. There's no way to finish this without lamitude... so I won't bother.
PERIODIC TALK ABOUT THE TORONTO BLUE JAYS
I figure I ought to go on a little about the Blue Jays every once in awhile, just since they exist and all. Actually, they're pretty much unnoticable, since they do reasonably well, but not well enough to make any impact. It's really what Gord Ash is best at- mediocrity. On the downside, it doesn't look like they'll ever break 30000 in attendance ever again. Not that it matters, since those who were making up that extra few thousand are just the business hacks who've flocked en masse to other sporting events anyhow. It's really rather unfortunate how that's worked out, on the whole. The people who should really see the games(me :) ) get stuck watching them on TV, while the businessmen sit there paying little or no attention to the game at hand. Which is why it's good that they've left the baseball games; the only ones left are real fans. The downside is they now infest the Air Canada Centre like some sort of termite invasion gone horribly wrong. Handily enough, however, MLG sports entertainment co. jacked up ticket prices for both hockey AND basketball, so at least it'll cost them a little more to suck up the seats that I should get to sit in. Evil corporate bastards...
Meh meh meh... maybe now that the team isn't doing so badly, nobody will notice if I eat the Windows restaurant... and with that Microsoft suit, maybe they'll think I'm helping out antitrust laws if they do catch me! Oh, I am SO smart and SO hungry! To the stadium, my pretty!
A POINTLESS ANECDOTE FOR YOUR TROUBLES, GOOD SIR?
In other news, I was nearly brained by a tennis ball today. It all happened when I stepped outside my door to be assailed by my bat-wielding friend, who promptly smacked an alleged fly ball, apparently intended to go over my house, directly at my face. Ducking in the nick of time to prevent certain.. well, headache at the very least, I then watched as the ball rocketed into my screen door. IDIOT!
Ahem. This was leading up to something, though. Everyone has one of those little Cooper bats for some reason. It's crazy... I've never seen a garage without either the little red one, or the slightly less wieldly-for-the-eight-year old blue one. Those were bats, if ever I saw them. Yep.
Okay, I'm done. I should expect better of me.
I hate stupid collectibles, like these ugly, ugly bats. Why would anyone in their right mind want a bat that looks like this? There's easily a million better things to buy, like bottled wweat, for instance. It's probably more practical than these pieces of junk.
PARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS? OH, GOOD.
Pour maintenir le bon humeur de le gouvernemente de Quebec, je ecrirai cet section en francais. Heureusement, je n'ai prenais pas les clases de francais pour deux annes, et aussi les clases de espanol sont causant les problemes de clarite...Ah, well. What can you do? I'll do this in English as well, to maintain the fiction that they actually care if a portion is in English. What's caused me such irritation is the delay de l'entrance en Canada d'un jeu de video en resultat de l'interference de gouvernemente de Quebec. Les politiciens en Quebec ont decide que c'est tres importante a arreter les jeux d'entrant Canada si les n'ont pas des manuels d'instruction en anglais et francais. Now, the stupid part is, the games are in English anyway, so regardless of how well-written the instruction manual is, the game is gonna be unintelligible for all intents and purposes. The stupid part is, our idiot government has decided to block the shipment of this game just to keep the whiney Quebeckers happy. I hope they all catch gout and die!
Well.. at least the ones stopping my game. The rest can just stop complaining and accept the fact that they're part of our country, regardless of how enticing the notion of being a crappy little protectorate with little or no power may be.
We wanna be our own country... but not really our own country... just our own country in name, with a bunch of support from Canada so that the fact that separation is completely ridiculous financially is swept under the carpet. While we're at it, we'll take your dollar too... no sense in making a new currency that would just be roughly equivalent to a ruble anyway... And let's just keep that Canadian citizenship, canadian transfer payments, Canadian rights, and Canadian freedom while we're at it... But don't forget, we're a country, and a damned unique one too! Oh, yes, we're uniquely unique... We're the only place on earth that wouldn't be a smoking crater right now after all the bitching we've done over the years about imagined slights that haven't been valid for half a century! Bow to us now! You wouldn't want us ripping the country to shreds, now would you? Thought not... that's right, keep the money coming... You know we'd never ACTUALLY separate... this money is just too damned good for our economy.
AND NOW, ON A LIGHTER NOTE...
I've come to conclusion that my bike has a similar effect to a rain dance. Whenever I leave it outside, it rains, without fail, the next day, leaving me with rusty chain and wet seat of pants. The whole messy situation started a while back when I left my bike in the backyard and two weeks of generally rainy weather followed. After earning a rusty bike chain for my efforts, I thought the better of it and put it in the garage. However, yesterday, I foolishly fell asleep an hour before work and didn't wake up until 15 minutes after I was supposed to be there. Naturally, the only way I could hope to arrive at work unfashionably late was by bicycle, so I hightailed it there, arriving a mere 45 minutes late. Handily enough, you'd probably have to blow the place up to get fired, so I didn't even get in trouble. The moral of this story is, at any rate, that by the time I got home, my tires were so flat that I was too lazy to open my garage door from all the hard pedaling I was forced to do (Note: just so it doesn't seem like I'm slipping random details into this sloppily constructed anecdote, allow me to mention: my tires have been slowly losing air for some reason. Sucks, no?) and so I left the cursed thing in the backyard. This, naturally, was an open invitation to a rainstorm, which obligingly soaked my bike, turned the backyard into a flood plain and caused worms galore, several of which I made half-hearted attempts to save on the way to school today, to float about on the sidewalk. Poor little worms..
Immediately upon sensing its location in the backyard, my bike shifted this map to a disgustingly UScentric view, and seduced that giant cloud mass all the way from Butte, Montana to my backyard. After putting the moves on the clouds, my bike allowed itself to be rained on extensively. Some sort of crazy water fetish, if you ask me... anyway, isn't that a lovely weather pattern? It's kind of unfortunate how the southern United States isn't getting any rain, though. Walt Disney will not be amused.
DISTURBINGLY PORNOGRAPHIC URL OF THE DAY:
www.lickme.com
I declare no affiliation, promotion or other affinity to the site above. Know that it is only there to fill space and does not necessarily reflect the views of the Global Television Network.
Well, ok.. I guess I should've expected it with a name like that... but hey, I need to fill space. On the upside, I only had to close 2 browsers to get out of the site.
I've really got to wonder why this picture is included with PageBuilder... who would ever have a practical use for a picture of bread?
INSPIRATION WANING
If only more stuff had happened...
ALMOST THERE....
Yeah, I'm way too lazy to put pictures up here.
I lied.
INTREPID BABY SAYS:
...AND CUT.
Yeuch. Too late to be writing this it is. Sleep now. Yes. Sleep good. Awake bad. School good. Sleep in and miss school bad.
You DARE to associate me with such rubbish? This is your lousiest update in some time, I assure you! If this hat wasn't so delightfully effeminate, I should destroy you with a single blow from my cocked fist! For make no mistake, under that right cuff(my left, your right, smart guy) lurks a fist of death! Now quickly, run along and never read this again, lest I grow irritated!
Although I could never do that in this soft, sensous white coat.
Junk mail gets tedious.. send me something real, and I'll even reply to it on this page!
Go Home! Inmediately!
... AS INTREPID BABY DOES.
Moments after appearing in this column, the babymobile was seen speeding west through Delaware. It stopped to drag race through some ornamental gardens, destroying key diplomatic shrubberies, and then proceeded to burn off down I-74. No word yet on whether I-74 is ACTUALLY in Delaware, but I'm pretty sure that nobody reading this knows either, so in theory, the Babymobile could have gone there.