STUPID CUSTOMER TRANSCRIPTS

Part 4: Third Blood

June 18th

A slew of  idiocy, seemingly worldwide, has occurred, thus compelling another update of this auspicious section.  Enjoy!

1. Learn to speak English!

Ian(a coworker of mine):  Hello, how may I direct your call?

ESL: Hello... lady in freezers?

Ian: Excuse me??

ESL: Freezers...

Ian: You have a problem with your freezer?.

ESL(emphatically): Freezer!!   

Ian: You.. ordered a freezer?

ESL:  Freezer...

Ian: I don't really understand what you mean, ma'am. .

ESL: Freezer! Lady- freezer.

Ian: Did someone sell you a freezer?

ESL: Freezer!

Ian: Ok. I'll put you through.

Through a miracle of good fortune, we happen to have only one female appliance salesperson.  Thus, after an accidental pickup in Customer Service which caused the already frazzled lunatic on the other line to freak out, the call was successfully patched through, and the seemingly insurmountable language barrier was defeated.

2. Pizza, pizza everywhere, and not a slice to eat.

This anecdote is courtesy a person on my ICQ list who goes by the nickname Seta Soujiro.  He works at Price Chopper, evidently another haven of dumb old ladies. 

SS: Hello. How can I help you?

PB: This pizza, it has a taste guarantee here, right?.

SS: (Examines box) I guess so..

PB: Well, I ate this, and it was good, but not excellent.  I want my money back.  ...

SS: Um, I can't do that.

PB(Taken aback, defeated). 

This may or may not have occurred as follows; this is only a secondhand account.

3. And now, for something completely different.

HOW TO IRRITATE A STUDENT WORKING IN A LIBRARY

1. Argue incessantly over 20 cent late fees.  If you do this for more than 5 minutes, you're an idiot. I know you're an idiot, because you could probably make more than twenty cents in that amount of time if you just went back to work.

2. Ask if microfiche or microfilm machines are that neat new "Internet" thing you've heard so much about, and how to work them.

3. Leaving palm-prints on the screens of actual internet terminals.  Are you idiots? Touch activation is only for movie theatres... you certainly don't operate the internet at home by touching the screen, and someone has to clean that off.

4. If you are a bum, crack addict, or psycho on day-release from Whitby Psych, use the library as a sanctuary from the outside world.  It's not as though there's agencies for that sort of thing, after all.

5. Stalk his female coworkers... they can't fight back because they have to be meek, drab, and submissive, as library work dictates.  Apparently, this is an invitation of some sort.

6. Ask him questions.  Due to stupid union regulations, he can't answer, but rather has to direct you to the librarian's desk. She won't be there, but go anyway.  Government institutions were designed with inefficiency in mind, so if one of them actually operated with any sort of effectiveness, the world would probably spin off its orbit and into the sun.

7. Be old. Old people apparently have the notion they own the place, and once they settle into a location, they will remain fixed there- despite polite efforts to move them aside.

8.  Comment " I bet you get a lot of schoolwork done here, eh?" Hey, I bet blackjack dealers get a lot of winning money done while they're in casinos, so the same principle must be at work here.

9. Be a kid, run around, destroy stuff, wipe your dirty hands all over things.  It's better that way, and when your diseases spread, Darwin's theories will kick in and make the world a better place.

And you thought I was bitter...

This particular set of irritations comes from a friend of mine who works at a library.  The complaints within are real. Only the names have been changed, since there were none.

Given the increased volume of idiots in my place of work lately, I'm sure this will be updated shortly.

Now... go back to the Main Page for more.