TEXAS JUNCTION: THE TOWN OF THE FUTURE!
06/28
This title should confirm your suspicions: I name this thing whatever string of gibberish happens to float into my head at the time of its inception. Anyhow, my updates on the whole have been sparse over the last week as a result of an unexpected gush of business on my part. Hopefully I can return to my regular rhythm of updating now that it's done with. Anyhow, I gotta cram this in before my friends get here, so on with the show. Or whatever you wanna call this.
In Texas Junction, there'll be food for everyone, a perfect climate, and two girls for every boy! Wait, that's Surf City. Oh, well.. 3/4 ain't bad.
BASEBALL AGAIN... HOW PROFOUNDLY UNSURPRISING
Well, this is getting to be a bad habit, but I have to complain about the Blue Jays again; or more specifically, their idiot fans. The 'fans' of Toronto, I have concluded, are the most fickle bunch of hypocritical yuppie slimebags to be found. For the past 3 years, attendance has topped 30,000 all of a few times- and most of them were opening days. Only once have I seen decent attendance prior to last weekend, and irritatingly, it was at a game I went to. After standing in ill-managed lines(having not had to deal with such crowds since 1993, the security types were ill-equipped to manage the high volume of people)for hours, I missed the first 3 innings. Handily enough, the Jays got bombed anyway, fell out of the race, and lost their newfound surge in attendance. This year, however, things are a little different(for one, I have the sense not to go to a game against a good team now). Up until last weekend, different meant profoundly worse; 16000 fans was an accomplishment. It was a good representation of the actual number of real baseball fans in the city. That said, a tangible shift occurred the very game the Jays ascended into first place- namely, the attendance doubled. Yeah, that's right.. twice as many people showed up to the game, probably sending the executive types into paroxysms of spastic happiness. At first, it seemed like it was just because the game was Latin Night, but no-- the attendance remained high for the next game! This shameful display of bandwagonry is DIRECTLY attributable to the fuckfaced yuppies that infest this town like maggots on dead meat. They drive around in their SUVs, guzzling gas like morons, chatting away on their cellphones while they lose attention and smash said SUVs into telephone poles, deploying ridiculously powerful airbags and busting up their spinal cord. When they're not doing that, they're enjoying a delightful game of X, where X is equivalent to the most trendy sport currently available. Right now, it's baseball. We can only hope they don't bring back the 40-something mother crowd that made the games so darned family oriented. Then we're all doomed! Doomed, I say!
Muhaha... I finally overtook that stupid eagle as the most used picture on this site! Now, to feast on the brains that would've been its rightful snack as most used picture! mmm... brains.
Yuppies are this guy's reward for his mismanagement. When he somehow manages to blunder his way to success, they come flocking in droves to support his team. Makes you think- with a reward system like that, would YOU want to build a successful team?
MOOSE UPDATE
You'll recall a while ago I was complaining about the various moose that had infested the streets of Toronto with their beady-eyed, artistic-inspired crapulence. Well, they're back, and this time they're...
sexist pigs!
Yeah, I know. Lame, isn't it? Some stupid bitches on town council were actually wasting taxpayer money arguing this point in council a couple weeks ago. The fact that all the moose in the city are male is apparently " A frightening problem that cannot be ignored", or something to that extent. The councilwomen went on to complain in shrill tones about the horror of little girls walking around and seeing moose stereotype propaganda littering the streets. Oh, NO! Heaven forbid they should grow up submissive and dominated by the evil male world all because of some bad, bad moose that happened to have antlers. Don't even consider the evil of these misogynistic, sexist, moose... it's just too horrific to think about the message this is portraying. Don't even think of pointing out how fucking lame it is that these councillors, of whom there are far too many(as an example, Toronto has 57 councillors, mayor included. LA, a city several times as large? Oh, 4... But don't worry.. government's being trimmed down) have nothing better to do than sit around and criticize porcelain, ASEXUAL(that's right.. the moose had no sexual organs sculpted on, the legs and hindquarters were substantially disproportionate, and the only real sexually defining aspect of them was the antlers) heaps of plaster that happen to faintly resemble males. This is particularly funny when the maker of the moose comes out and says vandalism, which has cost a number of the moose their antlers, will create gender equality in short order. Is it just me, or is this completely ridiculous?
Yeah, that's right. I thought so. Anyhow, next time you do something, make sure it's not politically incorrect- else, you'll have some bitch on your ass, whining about how unfair life is.
D'uh... hey, Archie, I'm sexual discrimination, cuz I'm a male.
Gee, Moose, are you sure? I don't know about that... Besides, haven't you got a big date with Midge tonight? Why are you worrying about that ?
Yeah, but I gotta go visit Reggie in the hospital, cuz I clobbered him fer lookin' at Midge.
AND ANOTHER THING...
What the HELL does "Gleep" mean? It shows up at least once in every Archie comic, usually when someone is overcome by the hilarious stupidity of a situation. Problem is, the situations ceased to be hilariously stupid 40 years ago and are now merely stupid. Besides, who ever says Gleep when their friends do dumb stuff? Gleep indeed..
Gleep.
KEEPING WITH SPORTS...
I just couldn't go forever without talking about the Leafs... it would be criminal... or at least not conducive to completing this column. Anyjhow, the subject of my current ire is the fact they left Kevyn Adams unprotected in the expansion draft when other, older, crappier, less effort-giving players were much more richly deserving of the honour. Loathe to admit the waste of money represented by these players, however, the management instead opted to protect them, ensuring the continued shittiness of the Leaf's 2nd and 3rd lines, while adding the 4th line to that junkheap. I salute the genius of Ken Dryden et al. Good move, idiots!
I would've had a picture of the unceremoniously disposed-of Kevyn Adams, but- oh, wouldn't you know it... he was unceremoniously disposed of, in favour of keeping this... Well, at least he has the stupidest smile I've ever seen. That should count for something, right?
DISTURBINGLY BLANK URL OF THE DAY:
Ok... so a blank page isn't terribly disturbing...wanna make something of it?
I didn't think so...
INTREPID BABY SAYS:
If you're truly in the market for disturbation, look what's gonna have its very own website soon!
Family CIrcus indeed... I'm obviously stolen directly off the Family GUY... and even that stupid footballhead doesn't have such a lustrously exquisite cap to cover up that stupid melon of his! I AM THE ONLY INTREPID BABY! I! ME! Now, quickly! I must flee Idaho! These potatoes are getting to me... not to mention this dopey coat! I really must discard it before it makes me gay, because it's the gayest coat a baby has ever been cursed with! And if that's not bad enough, look at my right hand! That's gonna be a problem if I ever wear tight shirts and an earring with gay blond hair!
Now go. I must perform physical therapy upon my hand .
Junk mail gets tedious.. send me something real, and I'll even reply to it on this page!
Go Home! Inmediately!
... AS INTREPID BABY DOES.
Moments later, Intrepid Baby, his right hand miraculously ungayed, fled in a blue car to Texas, and is now in the custody of the NRA. Intrepid plots are said to be forming this very moment, and the world is in danger! Fear Intrepid Baby!
Yeah, that's right... I reused one million pictures today.. You wanna make something of it?