INDEPENDENCE DAY: REMEMBER 1812!!!
07/04
Independence day indeed... Celebrate all you will, but just remember, back in 1812, when Canada still had some semblance of a presence in North America, we burned down the White House! That's right.. torched the joint, and stole back our big ugly sceptre, which to this day rests in the house of parliament for some reason. I dunno... maybe they trot it out at parties to talk about or something. At any rate, Canada day was three days ago. Now that's a holiday! Oh, Canada, our home and native land...
Texas has little or no relation to this particular column. I'm not even sure if it was part of the US in 1812. The point is, there is no point. So there.
TRUE PATRIOT LOVE, IN ALL THY SONS COMMAND...
The Maple Leafs board room is a mysterious thing. When they're not trying to cover up for foolish mistakes they made in throwing away money on old players of dubious quality, they're usually out, throwing away money on old players of dubious quality. Today was a case in point, as they went out and bought up the oldest players money could buy in the NHL, Shayne Corson and Gary Roberts. This is apparently representative of their commitment to winning, which seems to be something of a sham, since really all they did was age the team about five years on average. Conveniently enough, they'll also have to make a couple of trades to save money now, so really, the whole thing was nothing more than a cheap excuse to get rid of a younger player's contract. As if losing Kevyn Adams didn't already alleviate their potentially expensive youthful situation. Don't worry, though- they've got heart! This is always the excuse dredged up by the sports radio types around here, in response to attacks upon a given player. So what if he can't score? So what if he's 38? So what if he can't outskate an old man with a gimpy leg? Who cares if he's half-blind and hasn't scored in 10 years? He's got HEART! Or at least he will until it stops when somebody younger, bigger, faster, and stronger crunches him into the boards. That'll probably alter his hearty perspective on life somewhat. Probably not, though... Many heart-filled players have gone before these two, and each has been able to bask in that excuse for much of their career, so it's reasonable to expect more of the same here.
Hey, sonny! Don't break muh hip now, ya hear? I just got it brand new last week!
WITH GLOWING HEARTS, WE SEE THEE RISE, THE TRUE NORTH STRONG AND FREE...
As the title(and every subsequent title) would indicate, Canada day was this weekend, and accordingly, virtually the entire population in the region decided to flock en masse to a dingy little section of beach in Oshawa more attuned to crackhead seagulls and stubborn geese than any sort of celebration. Naturally, though, carnies were along to make the whole ride so much more enjoyable. The usual horse rides, cotton candy booths, bouncy castles, and a plethora of other carnival attractions littered the waterfront, each with a ravening horde of 'Shwas waiting to leap on for their turn in the sun(to clarify, the term "'Shwa" indicates a denizen of Oshawa; this particular designation involves A) a short-long B) a chain-smoking habit persistent from age 14 or lower and C) a remarkable tendency towards an inbred appearance. It's always just slightly frightening to see a woman, rail-thin from smoking six packs a day, leading around a covey of overweight pig-children, each grimy and with an imperceptible facial defect immediately identifying them as a 'Shwa. I think it's a shared gene somewhere a few generations back, when they were all related. Note that 'Shwa pertains only to a selected segment of the Oshawa population- not everyone who lives there qualifies, and there are residents of the neighbouring districts who also fit the bill. That said, it is a predominant majority.) This cacaphony of noise, smell and overcrowding was enough to turn my stomach, especially after passing the portapotty station, a row of portable washrooms that by the evening smelled like a cesspit. Add to that the birds of prey exhibit that was for some reason taking place right near where my friends and I set up shop, and you can see how my afternoon's enjoyment might've been hampered. It was fun, however, when the air suddenly started to reek of marijuana smoke and then these two kids came boiling out of the woods with a huge cloud of smoke around their heads. They proceeded to move quickly across the field with gross conspicuity, and it can only be hoped that a cop picked them up just because they looked so lame. Anyhow, it wasn't all bad, but after seeing a 250-pound ten year old, about 4 foot 5 and topless, I'd had about enough. Oh, well. The cotton candy was allegedly good, and we had a gigantic yellow rubber ball with which to amuse ourselves, and it wasn't all bad.
ORDER OF OPERATIONS
1. See carnies. See Shwas. run.
2. Laugh at pot-smoking badasses.
3. Wonder exactly where nature went wrong.
FROM FAR AND WIDE, OH CANADA, WE STAND ON GUARD FOR THEE...
And now, for some political discussion. Recently, the CRAP party of Canada(well, that was their original name until one of the geniuses in charge of the whole operation realized what such an acronym was likely to do for the credibility of their party.. then they changed it from the Canadian Conservative Reform Alliance Party to the Canadian Alliance Party) staged their leadership campaign, a drawn-out affair that culminated, after five or six months of tedious punditry and jockeying, in a pointless vote that proved nothing. This was particularly entertaining because CBC unleashed all their second-rate reporters, along with a couple of decent ones, to cover the proceedings. The upshot of all this is that the whole thing was basically free advertisement for the new party; after all, it got prime time coverage on one of Canada's largest television networks, and it really didn't have a lot to do with anything in particular. At any rate, the whole sordid affair resulted in a non-majority vote, so they eliminated the crappier candidates(which seems counterproductive, given the former name of the party) and decided to try again this weekend. The best part is, whoever they elect stands virtually no chance whatsoever of being elected- one of them is a nazi in disguise, while the other is a slightly watered down version of the same. When you couple that with the combined charisma of a heap of brick, you've got some pretty scary competition for the current government in power- at least I would assume the Prime Minister was scared, since when reached for comment he spewed something unintelligible about not being worried and then went back to doing his regularly scheduled nothing. What a good job.. I wanna be a figurehead when I grow up. I won't even have to talk properly.
A kinder, gentler Fascist outlook on life?
At least they know they're desparate... it'd be really pathetic if they actually thought they had a chance of winning any elections. Still, that slogan just reeks of desparation, doesn't it?
Beware my Vulcan death grip!
This is disturbing only because there should be something here, dammit! Dr. Seuss, relegated to a little backalley of randomhouse.com... sad, really..
DISTURBINGLY BLANK URL OF THE DAY:
Conservatism is DEAD, dead I tell you! I am a liberal, intrepid baby, and I'll be DARNED if anyone is going to take away my right to wear this delightful hat! And these cuffs.. the silky-smooth fuzziness is just NOT something I'm prepared to deal without! So I tell you now, if Preston Manning ever takes over, there'll be hell to pay, absolute hell! Why, it'd even be intrepid hell, if only I didn't have to cover this GAY drawing with my left(your right) hand cuff! And another thing! Why does this thing zip up? I can't undo a zipper! I need something more tailored for my intrepid lack of manual dexterity. Time to summon my minions! MINIONS! COME HITHER!
You.. go away! My minions will surely destroy you otherwise.
INTREPID BABY SAYS:
Junk mail gets tedious.. send me something real, and I'll even reply to it on this page!
INTREPID MINION SUNNY LaMORTE SAYS:
Go Home! Inmediately!
Muah! I am Sunny LaMorte, baby Genius extraordinaire! At my young age, I can peform DEADLY addition, which will make you fall victim to my fiendish power! Intrepid, I'll undo that zipper, and then we can SWIM! SWIM in these ugly yellow plastic things... we'll swim like ugly little plastic fish! Or at least we would if I didn't have all this baby fat..
INTREPID MINION ROSA PETULOSO SAYS:
My six fingered death stare will destroy you. Now, quickly! I must lose this hideous pink frilly lampshade thing and away to the intrepidmobile!
Yes, I'm exactly the same baby as Sunny LaMorte! Yes, my parents enjoy bright, ugly colours! Wanna fight about it?
... AS INTREPID BABY DOES.
Shortly after this transcript, the fearsome trio, naked as jaybirds save for their diapers, crawled at madcap speed across a parking lot, hijacked this red vehicle from its terrified 16-year-old driver, and fled to Vegas with 12 cents and some wet naps.