JULY IS A COLOUR OF THE RAINBOW
07/08
Okay, I lied. July isn't really a colour of the rainbow; in fact, I'm pretty sure it's not a colour at all. The true question that should be asked here is who really cares about any of that? This'll be another quickie, because I'm due to go join in the fun of a surprise party. I never really understand the point of those. Most of the time, people know what's up, and there's no really subtle way to go into an unfamiliar building with the lights dimmed low. Even if you leave the lights on, "Hey, let's go to that friend's house where we rarely go for dinner" is kind of suspect, wouldn't you say? I'd say. I guess I'll have to wait on this one... maybe she'll be surprised.
When asked to attend the proceedings, this alleged 'seductress' declined, opting instead to eat a seven-course meal and her would-be paramour. She sent her apologies, though.
MY GARBAGE: MOUSE - FREE FOR... WELL.. A LITTLE WHILE
On the exciting subject of mice in my damned cupboard, kitchen, and generally everywhere else a mouse might be expected to be (as well as some other irritating and disgusting places), there is much to report. An aggressive plan of... <thunder clash> mouse traps(gee, what ingenuity) was finally enacted, with great success. Fully 19 mice have met their grisly end in the jaws of the good, old-fashioned mousetraps, seduced by good, old-fashioned cheese. No more Super Mouse Treat. No more indifference in the hopes that intangible qualities about my house would render them impotent. Best of all, no more Hanta virus!(Yay! My kidneys can operate properly again). The highlight of the whole sordid affair was when the Rat-Mouse, a legend in its own right, was finally caught. The Rat-Mouse, such as it is known, was first sighted around December(yes, the mice HAVE been around that long... a good lesson to learn is never to leave meat in your garage if there's raccoons in the area... they'll inevitably invade the premises, looking for free meat, and then rip holes in your trash. This, naturally, invites the presence of mice, which in turn invade your home at the first given opportunity. If two parts aggressive inattention and one part useless trapping devices are then combined, the resultant population growth vector is considerable), running across the kitchen and hiding behind the computer. We managed to trap and catch it, but as I was not yet thoroughly rodenticidal, I released it into some convenient nearby wild. Evidently, it's returned, because yesterday, upon returning home from grocery shopping, my dad walked into the kitchen to see a mousetrap attempting to flee to safety down a hole back by some drainage pipes under the kitchen sink. The stalwart Rat-Mouse, entangled in the mousetrap, was miraculously unkilled and attempting to escape down the hole. Unfortunately, the trap foiled his scheme, and he was shortly bashed to death in unfortunate contact with the wall. Such is the life of mice...
If 4 mice are killed at 10 km/ h, and 3 mice die at 6 km/h, and the corpses are all hit by a 4000 kg train running at 200 km/h, at 45 degrees east relative to the mice, which are stationary at the time of collision and each have a mass of 0.2kg, what is the chance that seventeen Peruvian beetles will erupt forth in song on the night of December 17th, 1953? And just where were you that night, anyway?
Arachnoid McFeeters, renowned musical critic, rated the beetles at five stars before eating them in midsong.
TOTALLY UNINTERESTING FACT: The Toronto area has one of the highest concentrations of raccoons in the world, with over 2 million currently residing in the region, tearing up garbage and occasionally getting caught in bear traps set out by sadistic bastards.
A SCARY MOVIE: 2 THUMBS UP
You heard it here in some order(probably not first, since this isn't exactly a sinkwell of information, at least not of the useful sort): A Scary Movie rules! I was expecting it to be kind of crappy, but I was pleasantly surprised to find it to be consistently funny. Even though the humour was relatively low-brow- who cares? It was funny. Not so funny was the irritating bitch who sat beside me. Besides emanating a mysterious, egglike odour, she was also annoying as hell. To begin with, she made a big deal over how I didn't listen to her somewhat insincerely polite offer to switch seats, and started talking to her friend about this, just loud enough for me to hear(which lamentably wasn't the case in the first place, since I had taken my glasses off at the time she said it and for some reason that really effects my hearing). Anyway, this snide garbage was enough to bug me for the rest of the evening, and then she topped it up by leaving periodically to go talk on her cellphone, as well as giggling uproariously at everything, including things that weren't particularly funny. In fact, she had completely opposite taste in movies, opting to cheer excitedly for all the sappy drivel-style teen movies and look with towering skepticism and irritating attempts at sarcasm upon everything else. In her defense, everyone else was laughing pretty loud too- but I didn't like her, so I'll just peg that one up on her too. As an interesting side note, at one point in the movie a scene is concerned with making noise in a movie theatre. During this scene, everyone shut up. Strange, eh?
I bet none of these people had a dumb bitch beside them.
ExTREME HOCKEY: HOW TO KILL FOR NO GOOD REASON
There's nothing like a totally stupid story in the news to set your teeth on edge. My case in point is the abhorrently idiotic tale that I will now relate to you. It seems that recently, there was a little league hockey game going on somewhere. I don't have specifics or anything, as this was just a segment on a radio show, but it seems that this game was designated as no contact. Unfortunately, hockey being what it is, somebody naturally made contact. Now, in a sensible world, nobody cares. Unfortunately, a fair portion of the population, both adults and children, are morons, and so one of the coaches let his players start throwing checks. One of the parents in the crowd, outraged at this insult to decency, became loud and abusive, and so he was tossed from the rink. This seething ball of rage, an unfortunate affront to the theory of evolution, decided to hang around outside the arena and let the coach know what he thought of his decision to allow players to check each other was. It seems this fellow was of the opinion that two wrongs make a right, however, since he beat the coach into a pulp in the back alley. The unconscious man later died in hospital, so now the resident idiot is facing murder charges, all because he couldn't stand to deal with things in a rational manner. The point here is that if you want your children to behave responsibly, you can't logically expect them to do so if you go around solving all your problems with violence every step of the way. People generally learn by example, and when they see daddy pull out a rocket launcher and blow up his neighbour's house just because their dog ran through his garden, their emotional and physical responses to events are not likely to be much more rational. Good thinking, moron. I hope your kid didn't look up to you before, because he probably doesn't now. Nice work protecting him, though. You've done a bang-up job.
I am Senator, god of hockey violence! All stupid hockey parents will become enslaved by my reckless visage and then go forth, terrorizing referees and making their children's lives hell! Who ever said that youth sports were a positive thing? I want blood, dammit, blood! And while you're at it, break a couple of knees. I like the sound of breaking knees, although nothing can quite compare with a punctured eye, if you can manage it. Muhahahahaha!
INTREPID MINION SUNNY LaMORTE SAYS:
Muah! I would never become involved in such evil and brutish sports as " hockey" or "catching mice"! I have to work off all this awful baby fat while toddling about in my beautiful yellow chair! I look like the freakin' Michelin Tire thingy, and I'm a little GIRL for heaven sakes. At least I'm not a boy that looks like a girl, not like Intrepid. Speaking of Intrepid, he's on vacation today, so don't go looking for him. He's got to put that ratty jumpsuit in the laundry SOMETIME, hm? giggle. Well, just remember, I'm watching you, so don't slip up. I'm not quite as fiendishly intrepid as Intrepid himself, but you still have to watch your step when I'm around. Muah, muah, meh meh meh!!!
I love fiendish laughter in the pool. Now, go!
In other news....
This just isn't working... Send me email, confound you! I don't really want any, so don't actually send it, but I WILL post this link and plead.
Go Home! Inmediately!
BUT WAIT!! THERE'S MORE!
On a parting note, last night I saw the worst softcore porn ever constructed, entitled Snapdragon. Shown on a local TV station, this movie followed the tail of a young girl who was kidnapped by Chinese hoodlums and taken to China... At least I assume it was China, given the dragons parading through the streets(hey, didn't you know? Dragons parade through the streets EVERY day in China!) Anyhow, the girl became dark and disturbed and an evil vampiric seductress from the look of it- I didn't stick around to finish, though, cuz it was too bad. Sadly, the director's name was Worth Keeter. Who would ever name their kid Worth? Or name their family Keeter? Silliness... Anyway, I lost interest shortly after the first six scenes, none of which made any sense, or even had any relation.
Yes, that is Pamela Anderson. No, it didn't really look like her at first... something to do with her face. Not that it mattered- the only shots of her they really got were of her back. That certainly didn't help hold the lame plot together...