STUPID CUSTOMER TRANSCRIPTS
Part 6: 5th Blood
July 15th
Grahhhhh!!!!!
1. Zippppppppp!
Me:: (Explaining bill)
Z: Ok, so with these price matches, do you just automatically do it?
Me: No.. actually, it's more or less your responsibility to check the prices.
Z: Huh? That's stupid. So, should I call in every week, then, to check out if the prices have changed?
Me: Well, if you feel that's necessary.....
Z: That's silly. I---
Me: If it's any help, we usually only change prices on the first of the month, so you'd really only have to call in then .
Z: No, I'll call every week..
Me:: Well... if that's what you want to do... it's kind of silly though...
Z: So is your system! You're young- you're a computer whiz. Can't you make a program that checks through all the files like this? (snaps fingers, sweeps hand in irritating fashion) ZIpppppppppp!
Me: Well, perhaps on real computers, but these are from the 80s...
On a side note, this very same customer called earlier in the day and one of my female associates picked up. Upon answering the phone a second time myself, he claimed he'd been on hold for ten minutes and asked if she was talking to her boyfriend in this garrulous Indian accent. :X
Today was this guy's first chance to call, and he has yet to do so. I guess he's not that cheap- or stupid.
2. Animated Shorts
1. " I LEFT MY PATIO SET I BOUGHT A YEAR AGO OUTSIDE AND THE WIND BLEW THE UMBRELLA INTO THE TABLE AND DAMAGED IT! WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO FOR ME??"
2. "THIS IS UNFAIR! YOU'RE NO FAIR! THIS JUST ISN'T FAIR!!!"(Sobbing, leaving store)
3. "Well, this isn't very good service. I'm not satisfied at all. What are you going to do for me?"
4. ":Ok. You know what you can do with that? Just tear it up, and I'll go buy it at Sears."(or go smoke more weed, freakin' pothead... man, that guy smelled).
5. "Oooh... a cross on the wall.. Is this a CATHOLIC business, dear?"
"Uh.. yes. The store's actually been blessed."(So what? Nobody actually cares...)
"That's lovely, dear."
This lady must've run off and joined the IRA, because I saw her three times prior to that encounter and then never again.
These are (mostly real) excerpts. ..
3. Do you want to defraud me, Homo Gay?
Here's a nice tale of a really obvious attempt at fraud which was compounded by the really, really abnormal appearance of the fraudists.
Once upon a time, there were two flamingly homosexual fellows strolling through the furniture store. One was of Asian descent, with spiked, dyed blond hair and a tight black t-shirt. The other was an African-Canadian, with similar appearance. At any rate, after gaying it up in the electronics department for a fair amount of time, they came to the front desk and promptly gave themselves away with the following:
RED FLAG 1 IF YOU WANT TO BE SNEAKILY FRAUDULENT:
Don't stand out. Effeminate racial mixmastery is not the best way to avoid leaving easily memorable impressions on people's minds.
RED FLAG 2 IF YOU WANT TO BE SNEAKILY FRAUDULENT:
Don't buy massive amounts of electronics on credit cards when clearly you are too young to have a sufficient credit limit for said purchases. For that matter, don't try it if you're old, either- it's still suspicious.
RED FLAG 3 IF YOU WANT TO BE SNEAKILY FRAUDULENT:
Don't have said credit card declined for purchase.
RED FLAG 4 IF YOU WANT TO BE SNEAKILY FRAUDULENT:
Don't tack on 500 dollars in gift certificates to round up to an even 4000 dollars... it's stupid AND it's obvious.
RED FLAG 5 IF YOU WANT TO BE SNEAKILY FRAUDULENT:
Don't leave in a whirl of activity, covering up your poorly executed criminal attempts with a charade of telephone tag. It looks stupid, AND we remember the fact that you carry annoying cellphones.
And there you have it. How not to commit fraud.
Yep. They certainly did suck.
We caught 'em, though. Well, not in the strictest sense... they won't soon be back, though.
This section irritates me. Thus, I update it infrequently :)
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