I PROMISE... NO MORE FANFARE TILL 50!
10/13
Well, this is the 25th column since my page's inception, so I figured some hoopla's in order. In that particular vein, YEEEHAW!
Now that that's out of my system, to business. I no longer fear OSAP, but rather the awful, awful interest the U of T is going to exact from me because their stupid accounts department is so slow processing it. More about that later, though. For now, it's time to reflect. 25 columns, and only 6 months in between.. why, at that rate, it'll only be another year and a half until 100!
That's so long... maybe I'll shorten my intervals. Maybe not. Whatever the case, this is still fun, so I'll keep it up, if nothing else.
Lonely? Depressed? Oh well.
Bored? Ugly? Look no further.
LIFE, THE UNIVERSE, AND OSAP
So, last time, the trouble was I was sick of english. While that is still the case to a degree(Water, water everywhere, and not a drop to drink? Blech.) I have new and exciting things to gripe about now. Primarily, I'm talking about OSAP, RAFEO to those of you who are of the french-speaking persuasion, and Ontario Student Assistance Plan to the rest of us. For what it matters, at any rate. Currently, their net assistance to me has been to suck up a few dollars in postage, give me infuriatingly contradictory directions on the internet, and to be a general nuisance. So, at this point, I'm still stuck without funding, and I'm gonna get dicked for about 100 dollars of interest all because the U of T can't seem to operate an efficient accounts office. Now this smacks of cahootage to me. I mean, think about it. What better way to screw over people for a few hundred dollars interest than to pull a long face, and wreck up their accounts in various sections of the campus, none of them even remotely interconnected with each other? It boggles the mind. There's about seventeen different departments responsible for taking in tuition payments and such, and none of them have the faintest idea what the rest are doing. It's really very irritating, and I'm kind of losing patience fast with these congenial people. If they a) delay it any longer or b) give me insufficient funds I'm gonna FREAK OUT! Hear me? FREAK OUT!
Okay then. Perhaps that was a little overstated, but this is no longer directly the result of me losing a little paperwork in the mail. This is bureaucratic screwuppery, plain and simple. And another thing!
Well, wait. There really is no other thing. I just wanted to take up more space. Quickly. Admire my spiffy new titles.
You're not admiring!
Maybe I'll move here and beg for government assistance... Then again, I'd probably have to do it in French. Nevermind.
Shot of earth's surface after I vent my rage on OSAP.
GORD ASH'S PICTURE FINALLY MEETS ITS MATCH
Kudos to Reuters for last week, by the way. This week, in the Sporting slot, as it seems to always end up being, we have hockey, and how NHL.com selectively updates its scoreboard. The Leafs won over 24 hours ago, and they STILL haven't put the 2 points up in the standings. This is either a) American homerism to the worst degree, screwing over Canadian teams in favour of 'building new markets' in the south(like they really need hockey in Swamp City, South Carolina) or b) someone at NHL.com is really, really, lazy. In either case, I think some shaping up is in order! Come on, this is a professional operation, unlike my little junkbox here.
In other news, Jim Fregosi got canned for what appears to be no good reason. The perpetrator of said firing? You guessed it: Frank Stallone. Wait, no. That would be Gord Ash, the resident picture to the right of this column for well-nigh on forever. Seems that the team was 'heading in a new direction' or some such.. thing. This is kind of silly, since so far as I can tell, Fregosi was doing a more than adequate job. I guess someone had to take the fall, though, and as the newspapers pointed out, Ash has friends in high places. Not that he's done a bad job either, really. I'll give him credit(finally) because he has managed to pull off some decent trades amidst a fairly adverse situation. However, the Toronto Star gave an interesting statistic: Over the 6 seasons Ash has been in charge, the Jays won an average 77 games. Over Fregosi's 2 seasons? An average 83.5 games. Hmmmm....
Anyway, they had to fire someone, and since Fregosi didn't have a contract, I guess he was as good a candidate for being fodder as anyone.
Sorry, Gord... this picture is just so wrong on so many levels I couldn't resist replacing you. And look! The credits are built right in!
Don't be disturbed by my actual use of paragraphs. It won't happen again, I assure you.
.. then again, maybe it will.
NEXT ON THE BLOCK WE HAVE THIS NEW JOB!
Hey! I'm a low-end occasional writer of news for a reputable gaming site! Thanks to the people that hired me, in case you ever read this. Now, to avoid bragging, I'll leave it to you to find where I got hired.
McDonald's is also not where I was hired.
MIDDLE EAST CRISIS: TOLD YOU!
Hmm... somewhere back in the summer when the Middle Eastern peace process was crumbling into something resembling fine sand, I seem to recall saying that something of the sort would probably happen. Well, it's happened. The Palestinians and the Israelis, apparently bored with all that respecting each other's right to exist, have renewed hostilities with a frenzied round of assorted violence, which, if the media can be believed, seems chiefly to be a series of child killings. The 'child' prefix certainly applies in this scenario; however, they seem to have forgotten the 'ish' that belongs on the end of it. Wah, wah, wah! The Israeli soldiers were trying to restore order because a bunch of idiots were throwing rocks. Big freaking deal! Idiots throwing rocks should be subdued, regardless of their ethnicity. Idiots who throw rocks at armed soldiers who are likely to be uncharitable towards them deserve to be shot at. In fact, the soldiers who shot at them deserve to be criticized for doing so because shooting at people isn't a rational response to having rocks thrown at you. The whole situation is just another series of thinly veiled excuses to behave like little children, and it stems directly from behaving like little children. When was the last time you threw a rock at someone? Chances are, you either haven't ever entertained the notion, or you were 5 years old. The other question I have is why they just can't get along in Jerusalem. Deep-seated racial bias aside, it's not that beautiful a city, and periodically ripping it up with firefights, throwing rocks, suicide bombings, and all the other fun that these dimwitted extremists love to engage in isn't likely to enhance the ambience any. Really, if they're so interested in protecting all the religious sites, they should probably just respect each other and leave it at that. Grr... It just irritates the hell out of me that these people can't get along. Toronto has a population immeasurably more diverse than
Jerusalem, but you don't see race riots exploding in the streets every day. In fact, worldwide, I'm sure almost any other place has better levels of tolerance than the schoolyard that is the Middle East. I wish someone would either go in, step on some necks and enforce peace, or else let them blow each other up. It's really betting boring.
mmm... fire. I shudder to think how much gas they waste keeping the stupid torch burning. Why not have a symbolic popsicle or something, that slowly melts while the games progress?
MMM.... ANTIFREEZE
Okay, so the newspaper says that these dumbasses up in Newfoundland were sucking back what they thought was wine from a pop bottle when hey, presto- it turned out to be methanol!
... I can't even comment on the stupidity here. What's kind of funny, though, is that there's precedent for this kind of foolishness. Apparently, methanol just gets left around in the darnedest of places, so there were three other instances when people, evidently stupid, very, very, drunk, or very, very low on the evolutionary chain, mistook methanol for vodka. Sad part is, a shot of methanol will do you in, whereas a shot of vodka will merely simulate the feeling the next morning, at least when combined with ten or more shots of the same. All I want to know is who the hell puts methanol, a lethally poisonous substance, in the same cabinet with their liquor? The potential for disaster here is obvious!
Oh, forget it. I don't even want to consider this... someone's actually dead as a result of this, so it's in rather poor taste to call them an idiot, especially since they thought it was wine they were drinking.
But still...
Methanol: It can make you dark and disturbed too.
RANDOM GARBAGE I TACKED ON THE END TO MAKE THIS SEEM LONGER
People just can't stand to have Pierre Trudeau out of the news. Now they've cooked up a big controversy over how some mountain in the Yukon is being named after him. This may seem controversial to those involved, but really, it's just another excuse to protract this media silliness. GET OVER IT! He's dead. He perished in a manner that thousands of other elderly Canadians perish in each year, and he did it at a ripe old age. What more is there to say? Yes, he had a marvellous legacy. Yes, he was our last great politician. Yes, you feel really old now that he's dead. But please, please, stop writing inane news that isn't news about him! I've had my fill.
Say, that was pretty hypocritical, wasn't it? Oh, well.
Burp.
Dead. Got it?
AND IN CONCLUSION
Okay, maybe I'll hack off the fourth and fifth bits in future.. they were kinda tacky. Oh, well. Look for more updates soon, since my new job is limited to a mere 2-3 articles a week. Pretty nice low demand for me. Although I wish it were higher. Ah, well. Life's like that.
INTREPID BABY SAYS:
Let me be! I have Intrepid indigestion! Those intrepid baby back ribs are NOT sitting well. The diaper situation is out of control, and on top of it all, this hat looks GAY!
And so do these cuffs. Remove them immediately!
SCHEMING MINISTER:
Muhaha! All in good time. First I must scheme.
INTREPID BABY REPLIES:
Ooog... I don't feel so good.
Go Home! Inmediately!