Top Secret Microsoft Code

       #include 
       #include 
       #include  /* Microsoft Network Connectivity
                                   * library */
       #include  /* For the court of law */
  
       #define say(x) lie(x)
       #define computeruser corporate_tool
       #define next_year whenever
       #define the_product_is_ready_to_ship   barely_alpha
  
       void main()
       {
               if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
               {
                  if (there_are_still_bugs)
                    market(bugfix);
                  if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
                    raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
               }
  
               while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
               {
			/* Standard Call, in lie.h */
                       make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); 
                       if (rumours_grow_wilder)
                         make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
                       if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
                         {
                           market_time=ripe;
                           say("It will be ready in one month");
                           order(programmers,stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
                           order(programmers,start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
                           order(marketingstaff,permission_to_spread_nonsense);
                           vapourware=TRUE;
                           break;
                         }
               }
               switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
               {
                   case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
                        say("It will be ready in",today+30_days,"we're just testing");
                        break;
                   case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
                        say("Yes it will work");
                        ask(programmers,why_does_it_not_work);
                        pretend(there_is_no_problem);
                        break;
                   case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
                        say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to the 32 bits architecture");
                        inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
                        inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant 'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs");
                        inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
                        get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
                        break;
                   case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
                        say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for everyone");
                        register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
                        when(time_is_ripe)
                        {
                           arrest(journalist);
                           brainwash(journalist);
  
                           when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree) 
                           {
                               order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
                               release(journalist);
                           }
                        }
                        break;
               }
  
              while (vapourware)
              {
               introduction_date++; /* Delay */
               if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
               break;
               say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
              }
              release(beta_version)
  
             while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
             {
               bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
               release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
               introduce(more_memory_requirements);

               if (customers_report_installation_problems) {
                 say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem"); 
               
                 if(smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
                 {
                    ignore(customer);
                    order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this bastard");
                 }
               }
  
               if (there_is_another_company)
               {
                  steal(their_ideas);
                  accuse(company, stealing_our_ideas);
                  hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in  process.h */
                      
                  wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
                  buy_out(other_company);
               }
       }
        /* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at us */
         order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
         buy(nice_little_island);
         hire(harem);
         laugh_at(everyone, for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);
      }
  
  
   void bugfix(void)
   {
     charge (a_lot_of_money)
     
     if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
       say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
     if (still_complaints)
     {
       ignore(customer);
       register(customer, big_Bill_book);
      /* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
     }
   }

    Source: geocities.com/timessquare/castle/4515

               ( geocities.com/timessquare/castle)                   ( geocities.com/timessquare)