Try New "Be the Kitty" Diet
Shed unwanted pounds; friends
If you're looking to lose weight, I have a little method that may help, a
fantastically new and edgy method guaranteed to do something. First of all,
you need to constantly think about food. However, thinking is not enough.
To truly succeed, you must whine about how you'd like to eat, what you'd like
to eat, how urgently you need to eat. You must whine constantly, so long as
there isn't any food in your mouth, whine. Whine to anyone who will listen and
then whine to anyone who isn't listening. Don't stop there, though, as you
must not only whine, but imperiously demand that people satisfy your hunger.
The fun part is that when the weak-willed give in and bring you food, refuse
to eat it. Turn your nose up, complain that it isn't up to your standards.
Never eat anything that anyone gives you. You may only eat what you can sneak
out of other people's houses when they aren't looking or what you can steal from
others' plates. When invited to dinner, refuse to eat what is served and ask
to use the bathroom, in order to take food from their cupboard or refrigerator.
When caught, throw the food down and act like nothing is going on. Actually, go
ahead and throw any food you find down. The more you waste, the better.
It's called the "Be the Kitty" Diet, and it's taking the nation by storm.
Never has an attempt to combine the national idiosyncracies of fad diets and pet
ownership been tried in such a self-serving and contemptuous manner. Or at all.
The Diet was based on the behavior of cats. The beauty of this diet is that its
success actually slowly destroys any and all relationships with friends and
family, removing all potential chances to cheat on the diet. Interestingly
enough, the behavior that no one can stomach in a person is loved and
adored in a cat. Why would we model our diet on the laziest, fattest, most
useless animal ever mistakenly let into the common household? We have no
idea! Now how much would you pay?
Seriously, as all cat-owners know, cats have no digestive organs. A
cat is actually a furry flesh bag that contains nothing but a special
chemical that instantly converts anything consumed into cat poop. The
chemical can't be produced by artificial means, but we have reason to believe
that being cranky and ungrateful may induce production of the chemical in cats
and hopefully in people too. If every human starts producing cat poop at a rate
proportional to their cat counter-parts(cats produce three times their own
weight in cat poop in one day), the amount of cheap fertilizer available will
sky-rocket. The sale of that poop will allow people to pay for liposuction.
So the diet works, really works, in a special one-two combination. Now how
much would you pay? The "Be the Kitty" Diet is free! All you have to do is
take one of my cats. Take all of them and get a special free gift: an intense
hatred for all living things.