The Body Revolting

Donate your organs... before they donate you!!

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? My answer would be me, but I own my own eyes and therefore I think the implication of answering me is that by trusting myself I trust my own eyes. Which I don't. But you should! If you don't trust me, then it's only a matter of time before your body comes to kill you too! That's right, in spite of what your psychiatrist tells you, you aren't crazy, or you aren't crazy for different reasons than the reasons that they tell you you aren't crazy. There really is a conspiracy against you, a conspiracy so old and devious that it shames new, straightforward conspiracies like the government's conspiracy to use your DNA from pennies you've handled to clone you for nefarious purposes like taxing you twice. Don't get all ticked off about that now, as we have no time to plot unabomber-esque revenge and hermithood, for we must plunge into the depths of the last unknown frontier to uncover the sinister secrets that lurk in the heart of what I like to call... your Foul Murderous Genes.
The human body is made up of cells, which come together to make up tissues, which come together to make up organs. Ask any doctor if that's not the case, and they will go on at great about how they're a doctor and they know things you can't possibly comprehend and everything you think you know is wrong and then charge you fifty bucks. The last thing any doctor will ever do is tell you they don't know. The next to the last thing they will ever do is provide you any real service. In fact, doctors spend most of their time on golf courses trying to think up more and more sadistic things to do before some patient finally figures it out. Sometimes they actually act like they need to take thirteen vials of your blood, which they won't put back, mind you. You need that blood to continue to live, but they just horde it in case they ever need it themselves or have some big blood drinking party and then make up some diseases to tell you that you have. Your body pretends to be sick in order to get you into the doctor's office or hospital as much as possible, which will surely lead to your untimely death. If you need further evidence that your body is trying to kill you, then just read on, because you'll find it. If not, then read on anyway.
You are the way you are because of genes. So the next time you get busted for shoplifting corduroys at the Extra Wide Outlet, you just tell them that it's a flaw in your genes. Ha ha! Ha ha! Seriously, those genes, or "DNA", that the government is always tampering with contains the bar code of your packaging. Now the genes tell your body to keep regrowing and rebuilding itself, but they don't do a great job of it. Eventually wear and tear gets the better of your cells, which causes your hair and eyeballs to fall out. Then you die. In the meantime, your genes give you all sorts of defects to enjoy, like uncontrollable vomiting, one leg being shorter than the other, and liking NASCAR racing.
The best way to explain how your body is designed to eventually destroy you is to humorously anthropomorphize each of the internal organs and pretend like they have some sort of relationship to each other which results in your death. That is also the only way, so you're stuck with it.
First off, there's the brain. Brain is the smart alec, morose, with an answer to everything and an inflated ego. The one thing that Brain really hates is being out of control, but Brain is very susceptible to peer pressure and bouts of depression. So after a few social drinks, Brain invariably goes into a downward spiral of self-destructive binge drinking and serotonin abuse. All in all, Brain is mostly only hurting itself and is probably the least harmless of all your internal organs.
Next is Heart. Heart is one of those freakish body builders, whose only reason to exist is to reach that next level of pumptitude through nonstop weight training. Heart is constantly working out. Just like its real life counterparts, Heart is superficial and desperate to be loved, but is trapped in the narcissistic and delusional belief that the others shun it because of its near perfect musculature and not because it has the personality and appeal of a rice cake. Now Heart is prone to "'Roid Rage" and has the whole infarction thing going, so if any single organ is going to get you killed, its going to be Heart.
Stomach is a lazy organ, and it pretty much just sits around all the time driving you to eat lots of food by promising good taste and transforming it into bricks of cholesterol and globs of fat which it then deposits wherever it can find a little room, often around Heart. Heart is too busy pumping iron to notice and eventually chokes on it all. But none of the other organs really seems to care what Stomach is up to because secretly stomach shares its food stash. There is an ugly side to Stomach, as it isn't all chilling on the couch. If you don't have food on the table when Stomach expects it, it gets all domestic disturbance on you.
The rest of the organs, except maybe the Lung Twins, are pretty much useless, and they know it. They get mad when they think about it and decide to revolt. In my experience, Colon is the ring leader, convincing buddies Gall Bladder and Spleen to join in, and they rise up, intent on unseating Brain as the ruler of the body. This is usually quelled when they realize that they can't actually do anything, so Colon just gives Stomach cramps and the three of them rile Appendix up until it bursts.