Just Ask Etiquette Ninja!

Etiquette Ninja, I summon you!
The other weekend, I was at my mother-in-law's house. I was sitting in the back, minding my own business, when without warning her dog ran in and started throwing up on the floor. When I say throwing up, I mean projectile-spewing. I'm talking gallons here! As with all vomiting animals, it was like someone had turned on some sort of reverse vacuum cleaner, only instead of dust and dirt coming out, it was like pure, concentrated doggy bile with evil mixed in it... and some dirt. What should I have done to improve the situation instead of hiding behind the lamp?

Caninehurlaphobic


Fool,

The divine warrior will find the true path, but you have brought shame on your ancestors with abject cowardice! I have written you this haiku:

Hiding behind lamp
As man's noble friend frees lunch
He turns yellow tail

Your course is clear. Do not hesitate! Bring smiles back to your ancestors with honorable ritual suicide. Choose a suitably dull suicide knife from your collection and release the cowardly demons to torment your enemies.

Etiquette Ninja

Yo Etiquette Ninja!
Recently my fiancé and I were invited to a party by a mutual friend. The problem is that we think it might be a swingers party, but we don't know for sure. How do we go about finding out without having to see things that we would regret?

No Swinging


If only Etiquette Ninja had seven-thousand yen for every time this question has been presented, Etiquette Ninja would be Shogun, and gold-plated as well. Etiquette Ninja recommends asking if anything will be required to attend such a party, such as the delivery of potato chip snack foods or soft drink beverages, or consumable undergarments.
Etiquette Ninja, Take Me Away!
Yesterday I was in the men's facilities and this guy that I don't even know comes in and up and takes the urinal right next to me! And then he wants to talk to me! I was so apalled that I couldn't pee for a week! Etiquette Ninja, could you please re-print the rules of Urinal Etiquette to prevent this from having to happen to any other unfortunate souls.

Tormented by Toiletries


Etiquette Ninja has been known to meet those who interrupt the diuretic sojourn with swift hitotsu tachi. The rules of Urinal Etiquette are an ancient and powerful rite, ignored to the peril of all by the defilers of our most sacred traditions. Meet them with painful and righteous vengeance!

Ceremony of Urinal Etiquette

1. Speak not when entering the catacombs.
2. Do not contact the eyes of fellow petitioners.
3. Seek the recepticle unoccupied and not adjoined by those beset.
      Wait if you must, but watch nothing.
4. Complete the quest at hand with all haste.
5. Wash without delay and exit the premesis, else risk unhappy return.
      If in stall, do not leave observed.

I have composed this haiku for the purpose of remembering how to behave oneself when engaged in combat with the water demons:

Eyes and Lips be stilled
Neither watch nor stand nearby
Be silent shadow