Oh, my! What am I up to now?! You're gonna find out, even if you're gonna have to scroll through these grueling pages yourself... as to what happens when you spend Valentine's Day with the characters of... Final Fantasy Tactics! Warning: This story has strong sexual humor!! I don't recommend this story if sexual humor is offensive to you! (You've been warned!!)
(Everyone is sitting around the Round Table in the castle)
Ramza: Shan't we have a party for Valentine's Day?
Orlandu: You all know I'm ever so powerful! Mwa ha ha!
Ramza: You know I'm the hero, as always.
Meliadoul: Of course you're the hero! Or should I say... *MY* hero? Heh, heh, heh...
Agrias: Meliadoul! You know he's *MY* hero!
Meliadoul: He is not!
Agrias: Is too!
Meliadoul: Is not!
Ramza: Anyway... we should all have a party, to celebrate the Saint of Love, St. Valentine!
Meliadoul: Yes, we should!
Orlandu: Then why not?
Malak: Because I don't have a date yet!
Orlandu: You're so stupid! Of course you can find a date!
Rafa: *sigh* This is crazy.
Beowulf: Oh, my sugar plum fairy! Reis, can you please party with me?
Reis: Of course!
Beowulf: Oh yay!
Mustadio: *thinks* (Juicy, juicy, Meliadoul! I can't wait to go to the party with her!)
(A day before the party...)
(Meliadoul is dancing around)
Meliadoul: Ramza, Ramza, Ramza!!
Agrias: *steam blowing out of ears, face red, veins about to explode out of eyeballs*
Bull shit!
(Meliadoul pulls Mustadio over to a corner)
Meliadoul: Mustadio?
Mustadio: Yeah? *thinks* (This is my time to score!! Whooooo!)
Meliadoul: Since you're a guy and all...
Mustadio: Yeah, yeah, yeah? *excited look*
Meliadoul: What do I do to get Ramza to DANCE with me?
Mustadio: *pissed look* You just throw punch over your head, and say, "COME TO ME!"
Meliadoul: Really? That'll really work! THANKS! I think Hawaiian Punch would be nice!
Mustadio: *worried look* Did I say that?! Uh-oh!!
(Valentine's Day...)
(Everyone is partying.)
Orlandu: Anyone wanna dance with me?
Rafa: Oh, please! You're so old, you can be my dad!
Orlandu: *sad look* MAN... can't old people have fun anymore?
Rafa: Not since old people started having AIDS!
Orlandu: WHAT?!?! The devil's spirit of restlessnes... Split Punch!!
Rafa: AHHHHH!! *Flies out of roof, and dies*
Everyone: Oh my God!! They killed Rafa!
Malak: Nooooo!! Rafa!!
(Cloud falls through the roof, and hits Malak.)
Cloud: Where am I...?
Malak: *Knocked out*
Ramza: Ahhhh!! It's the attack of the body snatchers!
Meliadoul: Oh, Ramza!
Agrias: Shut up, you bitch!
Meliadoul: Oh yeah? Look who's talking, Goldylocks! At least I don't wear my bra on backwards!
Agrias: *gasp!* How dare you?!
Mustadio: Bra? Where's the bra?
Meliadoul and Agrias: Shut up!! *both kick Mustadio to the other side of the room*
(Meliadoul starts running off, with Agrias chasing after her around the room)
Ramza: Geez...
Beowulf: Reis? Reis? Where are you...? I need to get my--
Reis: *motions to Mustadio* Shhhh... I'm hiding from Beowulf!
Mustadio: Why?
Reis: Because he won't leave me alone!
Beowulf: Reis??
Reis: *jumps out* I've had it! You're so damned annoying! I TOLD YOU, I don't wanna get laid!
Beowulf: *starts crying* But, Reis...
Reis: NO!
Beowulf: Aww... *sniff*
Ovelia: Mwa ha ha!! I've come back from the dead!
Everyone: ?!?!
Meliadoul: Oh, geez, now, we have a snob princess at our party.
Agrias: How dare you?! *Whacks Meliadoul on the head with a fish*
Meliadoul: YUCK!! *jumps out the door, and dives into the river*
Ramza: Umm... I'm lost here!
Ovelia: I'm here to KILL DELITA! That asshole! I'm not gonna stab him... I'm gonna KILL HIM!
Ramza: *Sweatdrop*
Ovelia: Mwa ha ha!
Agrias: Umm?
Beowulf: Ovelia! You're alive? I thought you were dead!
Ovelia: Not anymore... heh, heh, heh...
(Delita runs in)
Delita: How dare you have a party without inviting me?! DIE!!
Ovelia: Not if you die first!
Delita: Ahhhh!! *scream* You're supposed to be dead!
Ovelia: Not anymore, honey. *evil grin* Heh, heh, heh...
Delita: Oh, honey! Don't you know it's your birthday today? *pulls out a bunch of roses*
Ovelia: I'm not falling for that!
Delita: What do you mean? I mean... YOU stabbed me first!
Ovelia: Really? Well... you're gonna DIE first! *goes over to Mustadio, takes his gun, and shoots Delita*
Delita: Oh... my..........*collapse*
Ovelia: That was for lying to me! *shoot again*
Delita: *body heaves up at the shot*
Ovelia: That was for using me! *shoot again*
Delita: *body heaves up at the shot*
Ovelia: AND that was for stabbing me! *shoots 4 times*
Everyone: *staring at Ovelia*
Ovelia: Not my fault I married an asshole! *shoots at Delita again*
Mustadio: Poor Delita!
Ovelia: *aims gun at Mustadio* What did you say?!
Mustadio: No, no!! I just said ummm... 'DIE Delita!'
Ovelia: Okay! You're so nice! *gives Mustadio a hug, and hands him the gun*
Mustadio: Hey, where's Meliadoul?
Agrias: I have absolutely NO clue... *looks away, and whistles*
Ramza: Oh, well!
Cloud: Where am I?
Ramza: ?!
Cloud: Am I in Midgar?
Ramza: ?!
Cloud: Geez...
(Meliadoul steps in, soaking wet)
Meliadoul: BITCH! *runs after Agrias*
Agrias: Ahhhhh!!!! *runs into Cloud, and knocks him over*
Cloud: ^%^$^%*#$%@$@&!!
Meliadoul: Stupid-assed bitch! *pulls Agrias' bra strap*
Agrias: Nooooo!!
Meliadoul: Ha, ha, ha, ha!! You'll never escape now! *lets go*
Agrias: Ahhhhh!!!!!! *hits Orlandu*
Orlandu: My, my! What happened?
Agrias: Meliadoul pulled my bra strap!
Orlandu: Really? What size? I mean, oh my!
Agrias: PERVERT!! *Shoves Orlandu*
(Orlandu lands on top of Malak)
Malak: Ooof!! *wakes up* Ahhhh!! Get off me!! I'm straight!
Orlandu: I'm straight, too!
Malak: Then why you're on top of me?! Ahhhh!!
Ramza: Ummm...
Beowulf: I never knew he was gay!
Reis: I always thought he was just an old guy... never thought of him THAT way.
Orlandu: I'm not gay!
Mustadio: Eeep!
Ovelia: Oh, geez... I'm surrounded by fags.
Agrias: Owww.... *rubs back*
Meliadoul: Bitch! *socks Agrias from behind*
Agrias: You, too! *slaps Meliadoul*
Meliadoul: Oh, yeah? *takes a beer bottle, and hits Agrias over the head with it*
Ramza: Geez... it's a crazy world.
Malak: *runs, and cowers behind Agrias* Agrias!! Save me!
Agrias: Aww... Malak... you're so CUTE! Okay! I will! *socks Orlandu so hard, he flies out the same hole Cloud fell in from*
Orlandu: *shouting, while flying out* I'm not GAYYYYYYYYYYYY!! *out of the castle*
Cloud: I don't like this world.
Malak: Oh, Agrias!
Ovelia: Faggots! *takes out a cigar and starts smoking*
Everyone: Geez....
Ramza: OKAY! Let's just start the party now!
Reis: My special recipe! *takes out some cake*
Agrias: *starts eating some* Ummm... *turns green* you know, I think I'm kinda full
right now! *empties cake in Chocobo's plate*
Chocobo: Wark, wark! *eats the cake, and dies*
Meliadoul: *hack, cough* EXCUSE me... I need to go to the restroom! *runs into the restroom, and starts throwing up*
Cloud: What kinda SHIT IS THIS?
Reis: *gasp!*
Beowulf: Oh, sweetie! I'm sure it's good! *eats cake, and passes out*
Reis: Oh, no!
Ovelia: *keeps smoking*
Meliadoul: *steps out* Ewww...
Ramza: Ack! It stinks!
Reis: Eeeep!
Cloud: GIRL, you need some NICORETTE!
Ovelia: I can't kick this--
Cloud: *stuffs 8 pieces of Nicorette into Ovelia's mouth* EAT IT!
Ovelia: Okay, okay! *chewing* Wow! It tastes just like a cigarette!
Agrias: While you're at it... *pulls out Nicoderm CQ* try this, too! *sticks 10 patches on Ovelia's arm*
Meliadoul: Oh, Ramza!!
Ramza: ?
Meliadoul: *takes out some punch, and pours it all over herself* COME TO ME!
Mustadio: *thinks* (Uh-oh!! She's gonna kill me!)
Ramza: *stare*
(Everyone stares at Meliadoul)
Meliadoul: What? *all soaked in Hawaiian Punch*
Ramza: They should start making contests where women pour liquid over themselves!! *stares at Meliadoul's breasts*
[Author's Note: ^.^ I'd like to note that THIS is how wet bikini contests were started. ~.^ Heh, heh...]
Meliadoul: Oh, YAY! *pulls Ramza into the bathroom with her*
Malak: Geez...
Mustadio: *pissed look* Man!! I was hoping THAT would keep her from getting Ramza!
Agrias: Oh, Malak... *evil grin*
Malak: Yeah?
Agrias: Why don't we *ahem*... go get a hotel room? Let's get... #69!!
Malak: Oh, really? Did you know that if you flip #69 horizontally, it's your zodiac sign, Cancer?
Agrias: *pissed look*
Malak: Okay, okay!
(Agrias and Malak leave to get hotel #69... ~.^)
Beowulf: Reis? Can we PLEASE go somewhere private?
Reis: Ummm.. okay!
Beowulf: You know, I'd like to *ahem*... take you to the universe in my space shuttle.
Reis: Really? *grin* Where might that space shuttle be?
Beowulf: *wide grin* It's down under. Heh, heh, heh...
Reis: Oh, what the hell! Let's go!!
(Reis and Beowulf dive into the moat outside of the castle)
Mustadio: Man!! I'm all alone!
Cloud: This world is &*^%($&#&%$@&$%*$^%#*^!
Mustadio: Duh...
Cloud: I'm leaving here!!
(Cloud walks out of the castle. Loud screaming is heard... wanna listen in? ~.^)
(Outside...)
Reis: OH MY GOD!
Beowulf: It's that dude with the spikey hair!
Cloud: You know, there's nothing wrong with skinny dipping! People have sex in the water ALL the time!
Reis and Beowulf: Ahhhhh!!
(Beowulf uses "Petrify" on Cloud.)
Cloud: *turned into stone*
Beowulf: Reis? Where were we?
Reis: I don't know!
(Inside...)
Mustadio: I'm so lonely, I'm so lonely, I'm so lonely, I'm so lonely, I'm so lonely...
Ovelia: I kicked the habit! YAY! *steps on cigar pack* And it's all thanks to Nicorette and Nicoderm CQ!
Mustadio: *sigh, doesn't notice Ovelia* I'm so lonely, I'm so lonely, I'm so lonely--
Ovelia: NOT ANYMORE!! *jumps out, and tackles Mustadio*
Mustadio: Noooo!! She's trying to rape me!! SAVE ME!
Ovelia: Oh, don't worry! This'll be ONE RAPE you will definately enjoy. *evil grin*
The End