The Tale of Horror
by Red Chocobo
Comments: I hate BSB. I just do. I'm sorry, all you Backstreet Boy fans... I just hate 'em to death! Buuuuuut, I AM curious on what would happen if their boy-band minds would become.... sinister. Hence, this fanfic (it's proberally going to be the closest source to a serious fic). Please don't be offended, BSB Fans!
Disclaimer: Don't kill me. I don't own *ick* BSB, nor do I have any proof that this is what shall happen/happened. But it's true I tell you, TRUE!
Feedback: All feedback of anykind ('cept for those nagnabbit solicitating bloodsuckers who attempt to sell you porno mags. There goes your weekend): Flame me with filth!
Setting: November 11th, 1993. An abandoned alleyway. Brian and Kevin are making conversation as the remainings of the over-now-populated-males walk in, in deep confusion. One addition to the group was another man, named Allen, and another named Justin. They are curious on what they are doing here, and reflecting upon the dark, mysterious man whom had beckoned for them. The mysterious man enters the area.
Man: Ah yes... **scans six males** ...You six shall do just fine...
Nick: Why are we here?
Man: You are all a bunch of deadbeat losers who have no life--
Howie: Heeeey! I have a life! I serve thousands of happy customers at the Pizzaria downtown!
Man: --so I have a proposition for you.
AJ: Proposition?
Man: Yes. To become members of an elite group.
Allen: Like another army?
Man: NO! Your weapon shall be singing. You shall become a singing group!
Brian: An all boy singing group? Like the New Kids on The Block?
Man: New Kids on The Block? Ha! They're flies! They shall have an early death and disband. We shall create a new word: Boy Band.
Justin: Boy Bands?
Man: They shall become totally hot! A group of more than 3 males that are very attractive. The females shall think they have talent, while secretly, *I* shall do all the song writing and play all the instruments, AND I shall form a team of choreographers and make you dance something more better than The Funky Chicken!
Kevin: But Justin isn't attractive. He's a geek!
Justin: Heeeeey! What I lack in looks, I make up for good humor! Heh heh! *snort* And don't you worry about my glasses, the Duct Tape makes it look hot! Heh heh! *snort*
Man: Uhhh... Justin, can you SEE without your glasses?
Justin: What the hell? Why'd you ask me that? *snort*
Man: **rolls eyes** Nevermind! So... will you take my offer?
Nick: Uh, well I do!
Brian: Me too.
Kevin: And me!
AJ: I guess I do too.
Howie: I do too, but if you diss the Pizzaria again....
Allen: I would like to join too.
Justin: Heh heh.. *snort* Can I join?
Everyone: NO!
Setting: 1999. The Backstreet Boys have already released Millenium, and are currently living up to life's full potential. They are in the tour bus. All of a sudden, they start thinking back on their past experiences.
Howie: Remember when we saw 'N Sync?
Nick: Oh yeah! Justin....!
AJ: !@#%!#$%$#^$%&@^^$#&%!!!! I can't believe that Justin Timberlake is Nerdy ol' Justin with the thick glasses and duct tape...
Kevin: Bravo, AJ. Now you can enter the !@#$ing Contest with Cid Highwind. **cracks up on his own joke**
Brian (chuckling): How about the time that Nick decided to try that "There's Something About Mary" Hairgel joke?
Nick: God, my hair was pink for months!
AJ: Hey guys.... remember.... Allen?
Kevin: How dare that punk try to savatage our plans. But we got him good, right? **evil sinister look**
Howie: Speaking of the subject.... remember when we hid our plans for world domination in Allen's burial ground?
Everyone: No.
Howie: You dolts! THINK!
BSB: **reflects upon the subject**
Setting: Somewhere in 1994. The Backstreet Boys are being unknown. However, this makes their lives somewhat comfertable. After discussing current events or whatever, they started making some more conversation.
Allen: Okay, this may sound nerdy but.... what's your #1 goal or aspiration in life?
AJ: Ack! It's silly, really...
Howie: Not sillier than mines!
Nick: Or mines!
Brian: OR MINES!
Kevin: So what ARE your goals?
AJ: World Domination!
Howie: Me too.... oh, and become the Pizzaria King.
Nick: I want the world in my palms too!
Brian: And I!
Kevin: Wow, that's my goal too!
Allen: You guys are insane....!
Future Backstreet Boys: Yeah, and if you tell, then we'll have to kick yo' ass!
Allen: **sweatdrop** You're kidding, right? Come on, we're pals!
Backstreet Boys: **gives an angry glare at Allen**
Allen: Oug!! **turns pale**
Kevin: I guess this band will turn out pretty good....
AJ, Brian, Howie, Nick: BOY Band!
Kevin: Right.... so here's the lo-down... I actually came up with the world domination plan last night!
AJ, Brian, Howie, Nick: ME TOO!
Kevin: REALLY? We have something in common....
Howie: *sigh* My plan is never going to work....
Nick, Brian, AJ: Mines isn't either....
Kevin: Another thing in common....
There is brief silence.
AJ: Hey! Think about it, guys.... we ALL put our plans together for world domination!
Howie: Hey... not a bad idea.
Brian: Not bad.... not bad at all!
All of a sudden, the Backstreet Boys started making a fool-proof plan that could be executed at anytime. They've worked for about 10 minutes so far, until Nick took his pants off and flung them around the area, screaming, "We are invincible!!" Luckily, he didn't take off his boxer shorts.
An hour later, the other members of the Backstreet Boys started miming Nick's previous action, for they have finished their fool-proof plan for World Domination. I gotta admit, it's a beautiful work o' art.
Backstreet Boys: WHOOOOO HOOOOOOO!
As BSB continued ensueing their insanity, poor quiet little Allen was reaching for the phone to cry to the police about BSB's devious plans.
Allen (quietly): Hello? 911?
Brian: **jerks his head towards Allen's direction** Hey guys, we got a little nosy guy here...
Remaining BSB Members: **cocks their heads toward Allen's direction as well**
Brian: **slaps Allen's hand off the phone, then tears the line out of the wall**
Allen (snarling): You are NOT going to dominate the world!
BSB: Oh yes we are....
Kevin: I feel so sorry for you, Allen, because you aren't going to be there to see us do so....
BSB: **evil sinister smirk**
Allen: **eyes widen**
There is a scream within the house......
Setting: Night time. The Backstreet Boys are in an empty grassland and are digging with shovels. Allen's body is hidden deep within the tufts of grass. In Allen's collar is the well-preserved plans for World Domination. After a while, BSB is able to find Allen's bloody and battered body, and the plans. BSB peers upon the plans.
Kevin: So what's the quick-glance preparation say?
Nick: Did we bump The New Kids On The Block yet?
Brian: No, but we did make them disband.
AJ: Note to self, take Jordan Knight and Joey McIntyre's heads and throw them in a blender.
Kevin: Did we wait for 5 years so no one could suspect us?
Howie: Yeah, can't you count?!
Kevin: Did we give out a song warning about the Day of the BSB?
AJ: **takes out a boombox and plays "Everybody"** You're listening to it!
Kevin: How about our controlive desire and instinct as a second warning?
Nick: You mean "I Want It That Way"? Yeah, it's covered.
Howie: And we also sent Cher to molest the guy who said that Brian had heart problems.
Kevin: I don't see that on the quick-glance....
Brian: I wanted to have some fuuuuun!
AJ: And yes, we released Millenium, and it's doing quite well.
Kevin: Very, very good. **evil grin**
Brian: Can we start our five-year plan now?
Nick: **devilish smile**
Kevin: Phase one: make a remix for "Larger than Life". You know, add the choir thing like from Phantom Menace as our High Royalty Theme.
AJ: Already done, Kev.
Brian: DONE? How can you be done when you have an affair with the pizzaria girl?
Howie: He WHAT?!?! She was going to be my WOMAN!
Nick: Phase two: Bump Clinton off and have Lewinsky all to ourselves.
Kevin: WE wrote that in 94?
Nick: Who cares? Let's just do it! We'll hire a mercenary, or something...
Setting: The next day on the tour bus. The Backstreet Boys are listening to the radio.
Radio: Yesterday at 2:00 in the morning, 3 million anonymous girls harmed President Clinton and a female prositute hiding in his closet, unclothed. They had very remarkable ways of homocidal acts, such as slicing off the president's arm with 'N Sync CDs by throwing them at him as if it were Xena throwing her Chakram. The CDs were broken in half after the horrible assault. The females were charged of their assault, but were not sent to prison, due to the fact that there were so many females, and there are thousands of bad men and mass serial killers waiting to get their hands on some female booty. Clinton and the female prostitute were found dead, thrown in the White House Fountain. On the prostitute's bra, were the bloody writings of "whore". The broken 'N Sync CDs were found in the fountain as well. FBI is still searching for the employer who had hired these 3 million amazons to attempt such a devestating attack.
Backstreet Boys: Aaaaah, music to my ears!
Kevin: So what's next?
Nick: Phase 3: War.
Setting: Orlando, Florida, the Backstreet Boys' hometown. The Backstreet Boys walk in with nukes, bombs, and other assault weapons. They are greeted by thousands of old neighbors.
Nearby Girls: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! It's the Backstreet Boys! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
BSB: Alright, SURRENDER NOW, OR YOU SHALL ALL DIE!!!!
Everyone: It's THE BACKSTREET BOYS! Of course we'll surrender! You're all so hot!
Howie: Well, that was pretty easy....
Setting: Windia. Home of the harpies from the Breath of Fire series. The Backstreet Boys arrive at the place, this time, with deadly things for the Windians.
BSB: Surrender!
Harpies: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Nina: Wait! They're the Backstreet Boys! YOU CAN'T DO THAT TO THEM!
Harpies: Shut up! **tears Nina's wings apart** You aren't a real harpy! Infact, in BoF 2, you have BLACK wings!
Nina (bawling): Waaaaaaaaaah! Who told you?!
BSB: ATTACK!
Dozens of Pikachu's lept out of their hiding spots and started thundershocking the poor harpies, burning their wings and themselves to a black, charred, crisp.
Nina: Now YOU guys have black wings! NOW what's YOUR excuse?!
BSB: Do you surrender?
Harpies (painfully): No....
BSB: YOU ASKED FOR IT!
Vending machines were pushed in, and out shot thousands of 'Wind' elements from Magic: The Gathering. They all shot right towards the helpless harpies.
Harpies: Aaaaaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaaaaah! Wind Element! Paper cuts!! WE SURRENDER! CALL OFF YOUR TROOPS!!!
BSB: Mwa ha ha ha ha!
Setting: The New York Museam from Parasite Eve. After beating off the live dinosaurs, they glared at the globe in the middle of the floor. Nick, however, was off to search for the stuffed Chocobo rumored to be in the Museam and marveling at it.
Kevin: Okay, the dots that are all glowy and pretty are the places that we have conquered.
AJ: Wow, look at all of them... they're perty. **glares at the lighted dots**
Brian: There's only one more place where we need to conquer.
Howie: And what is that?
Brian: Japan.
Setting: Tokyo, Japan. The gaming center of the world. Through the bustling streets come a devestating plague: The Backstreet Boy Plane. The plane begins shooting out dozens of bombs, bombarding Tokyo with them all.
Japanese: Gojira! Gojira! GOJIRA! **runs around helplessly**
The bustling streets mixed up into panic, as thousands of Japanese screamed for mercy and help, as BSB continued their plans and strategy for their undying need for domination.
After plowing down the innocent, they headed for the big tamale: Square. The building was filled with workers, each designing and rendering every strand of games. Posters and paperwork were littered all over the place. The Backstreeet Boys awaited Sakaguchi to come out.
Kevin: **pulls out a loudspeaker** Square, surrender now! If you want to live, you must give us our demands!
Tetsuya: What are their demands?
Sakaguchi: Your demands!! Read them!!
AJ (through loudspeaker): The Chocobo's Mysterious Dungeon series and all of Final Fantasy series! Destruction of the Samuri Pizza Cats and their base!
Howie: They take up too much space in the Pizza business! We can kick their cat asses anytime!
AJ: Yes, anyway.... Fix all the translation errors in Xenogears and Final Fantasy Tactics! And finally, domination of Japan!
Sakaguchi: If we refuse?
Nick: WE CALL UPON THE EVIL TED WOOSLEY!
Brian: It's Woolsey!
Nick: No, it's Woosley!
Brian: Woolsey!
Nick: Woosley!
Brian: Woolsey!
Nick: Woosley!
Square: **eyes widen, then pulls out a white flag and waves it around** WE SURRENDER! WE SURRENDER!
Setting: The Base of The Backstreet Boys. They have taken over the world, and are rather proud of it. They invite their female fans to the speech of the new leaders of the world (ick, I can't believe I just said that!)
Females: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!
Kevin: We have to make a few changes, now that the world belongs to us.
Nick: The National Anthem shall now be "Everybody".
Brian: No more Grammies or MTV Music Awards. You shall all know that we are the best and the rest of the bands are shit.
Howie: Pizza Hut and Dominoes no longer exist. Only Howie's Pizzaria exists! And we shall be the only boy band around. 'N Sync, Five, 98 Degrees, LFO, and Youngstown are to be hanged next week.
AJ: No more conspiracies or Terrorist Bombing and all that political battle. I mean, come on, that hurts my stomach.
Mulder, Scully: NO CONSPIRACIES?! Awww maaaan! That's Eight Seasons out of the window!
Kevin: No impeachment allowed. And no more elections. We shall stay supreme dictator of the world.... FOREVER!
Nick: If you ever break any of these amendments, then Saddam Hussein will stroll around naked in your house.
Rest of BSB: Demonstration!
Saddam Hussein skips in the base, unclothed and he..... well, you know what happens due to Nick's explanation. ;)
Everyone: Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! MY GOD, IT'S THE WORK OF SATAN!!!!!!!!!!!
Backstreet Boys: The United States shall now be called The Backstreet States. And finally, our new flag!
The flag unrolls. The Backstreet Boys' faces are on the flag, while the red, white, and blue still clash in the background.
Never has there been such a tale of woe, than this of BSB and Hussein's Cameo...