Author's Notes: This story is only for pokemon fans with a sense of humor. I'm famous for offending people in my stories, and this story is probably no exception. Anyone who will be horribly shocked by (gasp!) swearing from out normally cute and innocent pokemon characters should skip this.
Rating: PG for (duh) language and a teeny tiny bit of sexual humor.
Synopsis: A teenaged boy named 'Oh Crap' hates Pokemon- until he teaches the cast how to swear.
"All right, it's time for pokemon!" yelled a little girl named Gosh Darn It. She put down what she was doing, made a run for the TV set, and touched the power button before anyone else could blink.
One second later, an older boy known as Oh Crap started yelling at her. "Look, Gosh Darn It, put down the remote! I was watching 'Star Trek!'"
"Quit it, Oh Crap!" she yelled. "Mom promised me I could watch Pokemon if I got all my homework done!"
"Yeah whatever!" called Oh Crap, pulling a handful of his sisters' long hair.
"MOOOOOOOOOM, help me!" screamed Gosh Darn It. Their mom, who happened to be named Stop Swearing You Little Beep, walked in.
"Look, Oh Crap, I promised your sister she could watch. You'll have to watch Star Trek somewhere else."
"Errrrrghhhhh," he groaned.
"Hahahahahaha!" Gosh Darn It said with a laugh. "I guess there's a reason Mommy named you Oh Crap."
Stop Swearing You Little Beep shuddered. "That was back when Daddy and I were punks and into swearing," she said with a sigh. "Oh those were the days....anyway, enjoy the show, you two," she said as she left.
"Well, I guess I'll stay and watch your damn show," Oh Crap muttered. "It's either that or read Shakespeare for school."
"SHHHHH!!!!!" Gosh Darn It muttered. "It's starting!"
The opening image of Pokemon turned on, and the theme song began. "I want to Be the very best, like no one ever was...."
"Yahoo!" Gosh Darn it squealed. "Go, Pikachu!"
"Oh, puh-leaze," Oh Crap said, spitting at her face.
"Hey!" she cried. "I was signing along!"
"Too bad."
Suddenly, the real show came on. "Today's Episode is- The March of The Exeggutor Squad!"
Gosh Darn It began crying. "I've seen that one a million times on reruns!"
"Well, I guess it's my turn to laugh," Snickered Oh Crap. "So, I can switch back to Star Trek, right?"
"Whatever gave you that idea? I'll watch it again!"
"You little-"
"Hey, no swearing! Mom's orders!"
Oh Crap looked at the show. Looks like I'll just sit down and watch it, he thought, looking at his sister intently staring at the screen. Sometimes a man just has to back down and admit defeat and not start swearing at- wait a minute! Swearing? That was the perfect idea! Oh Crap waited patiently until the end of the show to announce his plans.
Finally, the episode ended. "Oh what a beautiful scene evolving Charmander into Charmeleon is," sniffed Gosh Darn It. I could just watch it over and over again."
"I've got a GREAT idea!" Oh Crap suddenly burst out.
Gosh Darn It's tears suddenly stopped. "WHAT?" she asked excitely.
"I know how I can be interested in the pokemon show!"
This seemed like a totally impossible feat to Gosh Darn It. She opened her mouth in surprise.
"Yup, all we've got to do is get those Pokemon characters to do something they've probably never even heard of."
"What's that?" asked Gosh Darn It.
Oh Crap realized that if he told his sister exactly what the plan was, she might lose her enthusiasim. "Uh, well, um, you'll have to see," he said.
"Oh," she replied, her face down.
"But don't worry, I won't be gone long. I just have to go pay a visit to Pokemon Island," said Oh Crap, getting up.
"WHAT? POKEMON ISLAND! TAKE ME WITH YOU!" Gosh Darn It yelled, grabbing on to his leg.
Oh Crap continued walking to the front door, with his sister still grabbing onto him. When they reached the kitchen, Stop Swearing You Little Beep was shocked to see her daughter yelling, "I WANNA GO TOOOOOOO!"
"Look, young lady, let your brother go where he's going!" she said in a disciplinary tone, peeling Gosh Darn It off her brother. She then turned to Oh Crap with interest. "Where are you going that interests your sister so much?"
"Uh, well, uh, the grocery store!" Oh Crap exclaimed.
"Good lord, I've never seen someone quite so excited about a trip to a grocery store." she turned to Gosh Darn It. "If you're hankering to go there, you can come with me on my weekly trip tomorrow."
"Thanks Mom!" Oh Crap yelled, running out the door.
"Don't talk to strangers!" she called as she left.
My dumb mom, always telling me not to talk to strangers, thought Oh Crap. I think Pokemon island is full of strangers. Besides, when strangers find out that she and her daughter don't have swear words in their names, we get ridiculed! Why can't she be more like other parents?
After walking a while, Oh Crap suddenly turned around and looked at his surroundings. "Oh shit, I just realized I have no idea how to get to Pokemon Island!" He cursed to no one in paticular.
Suddenly a TV blasted on in a nearby house. "LOOKING FOR THE INCREDIBLY WELL KEPT SECRET OF THE LOCATION OF POKEMON ISLAND?"
"Yes!" Oh Crap yelled.
"THIS COMMERCIAL IS LETTING YOU IN ON THE SECRET! GET A PEN AND PAPER, AND WRITE DOWN THESE DIRECTIONS!"
Oh my god, I have to get into that house! he thought. Just then, he noticed a pen and paper lying right next to him, as if the fates had taken over. //Okay, bring on those directions, goddamn TV!// As the TV rattled on, Oh Crap scribbled down the directions.
"AND THOSE WERE THE DIRECTIONS FOR GETTING TO POKEMON ISLAND! THANK YOU FOR LISTENING!" the commercial ended as suddenly as it has begun.
"Hmm, that was strange," muttered Oh Crap. "But now that I have directions, I'd better be on my way!" He took off, with a mission and a determination rare for his lazy personality.
***
An hour or so later, Oh Crap reached the top of a hill. Despite his happiness to have finally reached the top, he gasped for air. "Man, that was tough," he groaned. "I wonder what the next instruction is."
Oh Crap looked down at the paper he had poorly scribbled his instructions on. *Inscruction 5233- Look Down from the mountion.* Oh Crap slowly looked down. Staring him in the face was a sign and a city. The sign read:
'Welcome to Pokemon Island! Please Enjoy Your Stay, and Don't Get Caught With Your Pants Down.'
"I MADE IT!!!!" Oh Crap exclaimed. "YESSSSS!!! Now, the question is, how do I get down?" Oh Crap looked to see other people near him flying down. "I guess I'll have to Ju-AAAHHHHHHHH!!!" he screamed as he began the jump.
He went down and down and down until- 'THUD!' "Oh crap, I hit hard!" He screamed. "What a minute, that's my name. Say, I wonder what city this is?"
Suddenly an old man came hobbling down from what appeared to be a lab. Upon seeing the teenage boy, he rushed over to the scene of the accident. "Are you all right, son?" he asked.
Oh Crap looked up. "Uh...where am I?"
"You are in the tiny, small, boring place known as Pallet Town! This is Professor Oak speaking! Now, tell me boy, what is your name?"
Man, people are pretty damn weird here, he thought. "My name is Oh Crap."
Professor Oak gasped. "You're violating rule 356 of the pokemon rule book!"
"What?" asked Oh Crap.
Professor Oak held out a long list titled, 'Rules of the Pokemon World.' "Rule 356: No swearing," he told Oh Crap.
"But that's my name, old man! Let me see this list!" Oh Crap reached out and started to read the list. "Rule One: All human reproduction is to be done by invitro fertilization. Rule Two: Absolutely No sex. Rule Three: Pokemon must all be unisex except for Nidorans, and they must be separated to prevent sexual relations. Rule Four: No Pokemon reproduction. Rule Five: All children must remain innocent. Rule six: Blood must never go outside the human body. Rule Seven-" Oh Crap slammed the book down. "This makes no frickin sense!"
"Hey, it's not my fault," said Professor Oak. "My great great great great great great great great great (X 12) Grandfather came up with these rules. They've been in effect for generations."
"Well, hasn't it ever occured to you that you can change them?"
Professor Oak thought for a second. "Hmm, I guess so. But certain characters in Pokemon would have to agree with me."
"Which ones would you have to call over?" asked Oh Crap.
"Ash, Misty, Brock, Gary, Jessie, and James would have to be present," replied Professor Oak. "Luckily for you, Nurse Joy doesn't. She'd never vote for your case."
"All right. So, can you call them right now while I ask?"
"Sure, just a minute," said Professor Oak, rushing to get his phone.
"Thanks!" Called Oh Crap. "You're one damn good man!"
Professor Oak turned. "Watch your tongue, boy! The ban on swearing hasn't been lifted yet!"
Oh Crap groaned silently and anticipated the arrival of the characters of Gosh Darn It's favorite show.
***
After a boring, treacherous, wait, Oh Crap finally heard wheels arriving at the house. "They're Here!" He yelled to Professor Oak as he ran out the door.
He came out just in time to see Ash, Misty, Brock, James, Jessie, and finally Gary get out of the car. "Hey guys, I'm really really glad to see you!" He called out.
"A pleasure, Oh Crap," Said Misty, shaking his hand.
Woo woo, she's hot!! thought Oh Crap.Maybe after this is over...nah.
Meanwhile, Professor Oak had also arrived. "Oh Gary, you're such a strong, tall boy! I'm so proud to have a grandson like you! You're the best! I love you! I know you're going to finish that Pokedex soon!"
"Uh, hi," said Gary, trying his best to get away from him, while Ash looked on with a sneer on his face, probably thinking of ways to kill Gary later on.
"You know, it's nice to see you all getting along for once," said Oh Crap. "You're usually getting into fights on the show. Uh, according to my sister, at least."
"GETTING ALONG!!??" Everyone exclaimed.
"It's more like barely tolerating each other," said Jessie.
"Yeah, it's not like I'm best friends with any of them," said James.
Professor Oak held up his hand, and everyone quieted down. "My friends, we are all here in honor of a boy who took a long trek to get here, Oh Crap. Oh Crap would like some changes in the Pokemon Island and TV Show rules."
"Like what?" asked Brock.
"Um, I believe he wants everyone to have sex constantly."
"Ewww!!" Exclaimed Misty. The others followed suit. Barfing sounds could be heard in the background.
"NO NO NO!!!" Shouted Oh Crap. "He's wrong! I want us to be allowed to swear! For god's sake!"
"Oh, that's different," sighed Ash. "Uh, what's swearing?"
"Huh?" Oh Crap asked, turning to Professor Oak. "They don't know what swearing is?"
Professor Oak suddenly looked even older than he was. "I am one of the last," he signed. "Swearing has been outlawed so long in this land of innocence that what it is has been forgotten by most residents."
"Could you teach us, Oh Crap?" asked Gary.
"Uh, sure!" said Oh Crap. "And after you learn about swearing, you can vote on whether to allow it or not."
"Sounds good!" Said Jessie. "Let's start!"
"All right guys...well, there's lots of swear words. For starters, there's one in my name, Crap. And how about Damn, Bitch, Fuck, Shit, Asshole...."
And late into the day, the group learned the art of swearing.
***
It was nightfall. Slowly but surely, Oh Crap had taught everyone the art of swearing. Now, after the lessons were over, everyone sounded like pros.
"Misty, you're a bitch!" Screamed Ash.
"Well, you're an asshole!" she rebutted.
"Team Rocket drinks their own shit!" Called out Gary to no one in paticular.
Even Team Rocket's theme song had a slightly different sound to it.
"To Protect this damn world from devastation."
"To unite all fucking people within our nation."
"To denounce the crap known as truth and love...."
Finally, Professor Oak felt that enough had been done. "All right, it's time to vote!" he called out. "Uh, I mean, it's time to fucking vote, you bitches!"
"Ok guys," said Oh Crap, "All against allowing bad language, raise your hand."
All the hands stayed down.
"All in favor of allowing swears on Pokemon Island, raise your hand."
Every single hand went up. The characters looked at each other.
"COOL!!!" They all screamed. "I mean, pretty damn cool!"
Oh Crap looked at his subjects with happiness. Pokemon was no longer the picture of innocence. He and his friends just might take the time to watch the show. He turned to Professor Oak. "Thanks, Old man," he said.
"My fucking pleasure," replied Professor Oak. "Perhaps you should be getting home now?"
Surprised, Oh Crap glanced at the clock. It read, 10 pm. "HOLY SHIT!!!!!" he cried out.
"What is is?" asked all the Pokemon characters.
"God damn it, I'm such a dumb ass! My mom's going to kill me for violating my curfew!" Oh Crap took off, reaching his house in record time, before the characters could say goodbye.
"That was....strange," said Misty.
"We can still swear though, right?" asked Gary.
"Of course, grandson," said Professor Oak. "We can now swear whenever we want."
With that satisfaction, the pokemon characters went to bed, with perhaps a couple of them violating another rule of the Pokemon Island they wanted eliminated. [Author: Uh, any further description of the rule doesn't belong in a PG rated fanfic. Hehehe!]
***
One week later, it was time for the Pokemon show to begin. Gosh Darn It and Oh Crap both came running down with excitement.
"Am I going to see the surpise the week?" asked Gosh Darn It.
"You bet. Just watch and listen."
"Listen for what?" Came a voice from behind them. "Uh, why do you want to watch pokemon anyway, Oh Crap?"
Oh Crap looked to see a female friend his age, Super Bitch. "You'll see," he told her. And believe me, you'll want to watch it every week after seeing today's episode!"
"Shhhh, It's starting!" called Gosh Darn It.
Ash's voice came on. "And today's episode is- Attack of the Stupid Swearers!"
"Huh? I've never seen that one before!" said Gosh Darn It.
"Well, this should be interesting," muttered Super Bitch.
The episode continued on. As usual, Team Rocket was trying to get Pikachu, and other normal things. Finally, the moment of truth came.
On the TV screen, Ash yelled, "Let's have a swearing match!" to Team Rocket.
"OK!" said Team Rocket. Oh Crap Grinned with anticipation.
"Team Rocket, you guys are such, *BEEPS!*"
"Well, Ash, Brock, and Misty, You're all *BEEPBEEPBEEPS!*"
"*BEEP*!"
"*BEEP*!"
"Hey, what is this?" asked Gosh Darn It. "All I'm hearing is the TV going insane!"
"I still don't see anything different about this show," muttered Super Bitch.
Finally, Oh Crap couldn't hold it back. "AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" he screamed.
"What?" asked Gosh Darn it and Super Bitch.
"I should have known they'd edit out the swearing!"
Gosh Darn It and Super Bitch didn't understand what he was talking about at first. Then, they finally understood. It didn't take long before the room was filled with girlish laughter.
"I think only one title describes my Oh Crap right now!" gasped Gosh Darn It.
"Uh, what's that?" asked Oh Crap.
After pausing a moment and allowing the drama to build up, both Gosh Darn It and Super Bitch exclaimed:
"Dumb Ass!"
The End