A Day With Elvis and Ilia
By: Kacie
(Author's note: This is a figure skating parody on Elvis Stojko and Ilia Kulik. It is much more lighthearted than my Michelle/Tara fanfic and is simply meant for a laugh and nothing else. Both of these men are portrayed in the most positive way. It anyone is insulted, it's the commentators...mwahahahaha!!!!)
One year has passed since the 1998 Olympics. Elvis Stojko and Ilia Kulik are skating
together in a very special exhibition/competition where they each skate a program and
then the audience votes on who was the best. The two commentators, Dick Button and
Dorothy Hamill, are arguing on who is better in the TV precomputation hype.
Dick: Elvis will win hands down. He's the harder worker.
Dorothy: Don't insult my precious Ilia! He's sooooooo (giggle, giggle) good!
Dick: Well, Elvis is a better skater.
Dorothy: But he isn't cute enough to win.
Dick: Ilia has potentia, but potential is just potential! He hasn't used it!
Dorothy: Um Dick, he won the Olympics.
Dick: That isn't enough for his potential! Go Elvis!
Dorothy: Go Ilia! (giggle, giggle, squeal)
Elvis enters the building
Dick: (Dramatic voice) Elvis has entered the building!
The audience, who are sitting in the seats and watching the show, cheers loudly as Elvis enters.
Dorothy: Let's interview him! Even though Ilia is better!
Dick: Elvis, could we ask you a few questions?
Elvis: I'd love to.
The audience cheers.
Dorothy: Do you hate being worse than Ili-
Terry Gannon: I ask the questions, Dorothy!
Dorothy: Right, I knew that.
Terry: Do you like being here, Elvis?
Elvis: This is such a fun competition. My friendly rival Ilia and I get to do a fun program, and then the audience decides who is better!
Terry: Is the audience knowledgeable enough to judge your skills?
Elvis: Of course! The audience here is wonderful!
The audience cheers.
Terry: Thank you for your time, Elvis.
Ilia enters. The audience also cheers for him.
Dorothy: Ilia, you're here! I'm such a fan of yours! Autograph, please!
Ilia: Um, uh, my, look at the time! I think It's time for me to leave again.
He starts to walk away from the booth, but Terry stops him.
Terry: We need to ask you a few questions, Ilia.
Ilia: Sure, why not? (whispering privately to Terry) But only if she leaves.....
The phone rings.
Terry: Go answer that, Dorothy!
Dorothy: Great! I love answering phones!
Relieved, Terry begins to ask Ilia his questions.
Terry: Ilia, how do you think you stack up against Elvis?
Ilia: It depends on who's better on any given day.
Terry: Do you find the artistic program more relaxing than a competitive program?
Ilia: I certainly do! And my costume is even better than my competitive ones!
Terry: Um, uh, describe your costume.
Ilia: It's pink and white striped pants with a red and black spotted shirt. I will be wearing dark green gloves.
The audience laughs and boos. Dick and Terry try not to laugh.
Terry: Thanks for the interview.
Ilia: And thanks for getting her away from me!
------------------------------------------------------
10 minutes later, Elvis and Ilia run into each other in a hallway backstage about 3 hours before the event.
Elvis: Hey, nice to see you!
Ilia: You too Elvis. Has your groin healed?
Elvis: It's much better. Thank you for asking.
Ilia: Good luck tonight.
Elvis: Same to you!
The two continue going about their separate ways. They clearly get along much better than some other rivals have in the past.
---------------------------------------------------
Meanwhile, the commentating show is going on...
Dick: I'm telling you, Ilia has no chance!
Dorothy: And I say the same thing about Elvis!
Dick: Well, I'm a 2-time Olympic gold medalist!
Dorothy: I'm still America's sweetheart!
Suddenly, Terry butts in....
Terry: Stop, you two! You act like this is as important as the Olympics or something!
Dick and Dorothy: IT IS AS IMPORTANT AS THE OLYMPICS!
Terry: OK, whatever. Just shut up.
-----------------------------------------------------
The scene shifts to Ilia's locker room two hours before show time. Some teenage girls appear to have shown up in the locker room.
IliaFan1: I love you Ilia!
IliaFan2: You're soooo hot!
IliaFan3: Will you marry me?
Ilia: No habla ingles.
IliaFan1: How sweet! He knows Spanish!
IliaFan2: I dig guys who know 3 languages.
Ilia: Puta!
Ilia walks off and slams the door in the girls' faces.
IliaFan3: What did he just say? I don't take Spanish.
IliaFan1: Um, I'm not allowed to say it. (Author's Note: don't ask)
IliaFan2: Me either! But I have a good idea. Let's go find the commentating booth and request to talk to Ilia!
The girls grin evilly and start looking.
---------------------------------------------------
Meanwhile, back at commentating:
Dick: Elvis!
Dorothy: Ilia!
Dick: Elvis!
Dorothy: Ilia!
Dick: Elvis!
Terry: Um, speaking of Elvis, he just came here to answer more questions about the event that's happening in an hour.
Elvis: What would you like to ask me?
Terry: What's the meaning of your program?
Elvis: Well, I like to think about it as- wait, who are these girls standing here?
The crows gasps as the crew turns to face the three girls looking for Ilia.
IliaFan1: We want to talk to Ilia Kulik!
IliaFan2: The hot skater!
IliaFan3: can you believe he ran away from us once?
Terry: Um, girls, I don't think this is the time for-
Dorothy: YOU SAW ILIA!!?? WHAT DID HE SAY? DID YOU GET HIS AUTOGRAPH? ISN'T HE HOT?
IliaFan1: yeah, he's so hot!
IliaFan2: I love him.
Terry tries to figure out what to do...
Terry: Girls, since you're here, maybe you'd like to ask Elvis a few questions.
IliaFan3: ELVIS!!!????? EWW!!!!
IliaFan1: He's, like, soooooooo ugly!
The girls run away, screaming.
Dorothy: Thanks a lot for scaring them! We were having a good conversation!
----------------------------------------------------
Finally, it's show time! The two competitors have completed their warm up. Elvis is skating first, followed by Ilia. The two competitors had a short talk as they left the ice:
Ilia: Go get em, Tiger!
Elvis: You're the man!
Elvis and Ilia: ALL RIGHT!!!!!!!!!! Sigh....typical male bonding)
Dick announecs Elvis........
Dick: And now, the best skater, so much better than Ilia, who SHOULD have won the Olympics in 1994, presenting ELVIS STOJKO!!!!
Audience: GO ELVIS!!!!
Elvis starts skating what something stange happens: he trips over his toe pick! Then, five seconds later, it happens again! Elvis spends the entire program slipping all over the ice. After his program, Elvis says:
Elvis: *#&$^@# @*#^%(! #(@(*#@ #@(#@%(@...(you get the point)
Dick: And uncharacteristically bad performance for Elvis.
Dorothy: you wish, Dick!
Ilia skates next, and Dorothy announces him:
Dorothy: And now, the hottest skater alive and the best costume picker ever (audience boos to that remark), the 1998 Olympic gold medalist, ILIA KULIK!!!!
Audience: YOU ROCK, ILIA!!!!!!!
Ilia steps on the ice and suddenly falls down. he barely gets to his starting pose without falling 10 times. The audience notices that his blades look funny. After a program where he can barely stand up, he realized what he did: he left his guards on! Ilia says:
Ilia: I'm such a *@#)(*#@%&@)(#$%*)@)(#&)@#%)*#&@(*@ (and on and on)
Dorothy: Oh, poor Ilia! My poor baby!
Dick: That performance was unnessesary and uncalled for!
Terry is very puzzled after those performances, but says to the audience:
Terry: Vote for your favorite skater by using your electronic devices under your seats.
The audience takes a while to vote. When Terry sees the vote, he looks shocked and then starts laughing. But he says:
Terry: Skaters, take the ice.
So Elvis and Ilia take the ice....and then hit it with a big thud! It turns out they both forgot to take their guards off this time!
Elvis and Ilia: I CAN'T BELIEVE WE DID THAT!!!!!!!!!
Terry: Um, ahem (trying not to laugh), the winner of this event, the person declared the best skater of the evening goes to..........(drum roll)
DICK BUTTON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The audience cheers loudly
Ilia (still on the ice): I guess we both deserved that.
Elvis: Yup. We certainly did.
THE END