Today was so ho hummish, I should have stayed in bed. But no, I had to wake up at 9. Mama left at 11, so there was really no one to entertain me all day. Sad. I actually watched "Sleeping with the Enemy". Bah!

Then about 1 p.m. I got the brilliant idea to do a photo shoot. So I got the skankiest outfits I could find, and took lots of pictures with my web cam thingy. Oh I was highly entertained. But I am feeling a bit bad about it all now. It seems like a very vain and unproductive thing to do. I think I might need to get over myself. I am realizing that this actually might be a problem. Maybe its why I can't get a boy/girl...cuz I love myself too much. Blech! Horrid thought!

And who knows what's going on with this Robin girl that I talk to much about? Tis very hard to tell and I am not one to ask.

Later that day...
I hate when emotions take me off guard and knock me over. That's happening right now. I can barely see the screen through my tears. My mom reminded me that tomorrow is my dad's 53rd birthday. Well, it would be, but he died 4 years ago. Every single birthday of his kills me. My mom says its cuz it was such a happy time when he was alive. So its worse than the anniversary of his death. But usually I don't realize November 2nd is coming until is has actually come. So I don't have a whole day to dread it. But my mom had to remind me. I am so afraid to go to school tomorrow and embarass myself by having another mental breakdown like I did my freshman year. Everyone remembers that. GOD. I so want to skip all of tomorrow. Just get onto the 3rd. And absolutely no one understands how I feel. I called Kum to talk to her, and she said after a few minutes of listening to me cry that she had to pee. And Robin didn't even give me a chance to talk to her. She left. My mom consoled me for a little bit, but dismissed me when she was tired of my crying. I need someone who will take me in their arms and let me cry and cry for hours and just rock me back and fourth. My father would hold me. I know he would. I remember so dearly the feeling of my hand in his. I always felt so safe.

My life would be so different if he were alive. It would be so much more meaningful. I actually have some sort of goal--to try to even be half the person he was. But now that seems so pointless. He was this wonderful, brilliant person who suffered so much, for so long. And I know there is a reason for everything, but really, at times like this, its so very hard to find sense in it. I don't know how I am going to cope tomorrow, but my mom says, "We've trodded along for 4 years without him, we can make it through one day". We'll see.